Original subtitles

Oh, hey, check it out.

Got a brand new way of getting a job, a video resume.

Well, why do you have a video resume? Why don't you just use a regular paper

one? I tried that, but I only had one regular job.

It said Winford Louder, 1983 to 2001.

Looks like a headstone.

So, yeah, so we pick to shoot the resume.

After watching all those videos at the Rockwell Hall of Fame, I've developed an

instinctive feel for what works. An artist's eye, if you will.

It's her camera.

Anyway, we sent this baby out to every corporation in Ohio.

Good for you, bro.

Yeah, I decided to go for it. From now on, I'm going to do whatever it takes to

get whatever I want. Here.

Check it out.

Here.

Here.

He's the big man you want on top.

But is he ready to tackle the job?

Damn right he is. He's yours 24 -7 because he's got no wife,

no kids, no exercise

regimen.

Not only is he a hard worker, he's good with people.

You can't say Carrie without care.

Huh? What do you think? Well, I liked it until you killed the baby at the end.

I caught him.

It was a fumble that took ten years off my life, but I caught him.

Excuse me.

Hello?

It's Doctor and Cammy.

Wow. Yeah, really.

You like the video?

Well, great.

Yeah, why would I need special furniture?

No, that was just a camera angle. I'm all under eight feet tall.

Thank you very much. Okay, see you then.

It worked. I got a dinner appointment tomorrow night with Procter & Gamble for

regional vice president of marketing.

Hello.

Excuse me.

Hello.

It's Citibank.

Citibank. From New York City.

New York City.

Oh, that's awfully nice of you.

Well, thank you very much.

Yes. All right, bye.

They said if I wire $300, they're not going to cancel my credit card.

All the little chicks will be crimson.

Mr. Wick's not ready for you.

It's a lot of garbage.

Oh, Wick offended the head of the janitor's union, so nobody's picked it

two weeks.

Good thing you're here. I mean, you know, to keep the rat population under

control.

I wish there were rats. They all died last week on the same day. That can't be

good.

Is that my replacement?

Yeah. See if you can figure out where Wick found her.

Oh, Tawny.

Can you be... me the Newsome file?

So, she's a stripper. Doesn't mean she can't do the job.

Hello, Carrie.

Glad you could drop by.

I have a business proposition for you.

Come back, or I'll kill myself.

Intrigued?

I'm sorry, sir, but I already have an interview tonight with Procter & Gamble.

Ah.

Then my offer of your old job back and 700 free hours of AOL.

You know, nine of those just fell out of my TV guide today.

All right, let's stop messing around.

You always did good work here and you deserve to be rewarded.

How would you like to be co -manager of Winford Loudon?

Really? Run the store with you?

You know, a couple of months ago I would have jumped at that, but not anymore.

I can do better.

Well, that's it, then.

I'll get fired.

I'm ruined.

I'll go back to England a loser.

City boy, no son of mine could ever be a loser.

Mommy!

Gary,

this is my mommy, Maggie Wig.

Nice to meet you. What a handsome woman you are.

Thank you.

Nigel has told me so.

much about you, but you don't walk like a girl.

May I return the compliment?

Oh, you must be the one who married my sweet Nigel so that you could stay in

country.

Yeah, it's kind of creepy.

I'll look what I'm talking to.

Whoa.

Menopause hit her hard and then dragged her for 50 yards.

That's a funny joke. Why don't we go outside and tell a few more like that?

We'll take the stairs. You first.

What are you doing here? I knew you were in trouble the moment I heard your

morbid little voice on the telephone.

You never could hide anything from your glamorous mannequins.

You had to have sex with either a hammerhead shark or... Hammerhead shark.

I'm sorry to interrupt. I have to be going.

Let's see about my other job. I'm sorry I can't help you, Mr. Wick.

Mrs. Wick, it was nice meeting you. Aw.

My, the hair on your knuckles is so soft.

Now, darling boy, tell Mavicans what's bothering you.

Well, I can't run the store myself, and Drew won't help me, and I don't know

what I'm going to do.

if we knew who he was. I'm sorry,

I've just ended my rope. Oh, there, there, there. Mummy will take care of

everything for her sweet little boy.

First, let's tidy you up a bit, shall we?

Vodka and chewing tobacco. It smells like her.

Hey, Joe.

Yeah. Hey, before you head out on your interview, can we borrow your laptop?

Uh, yeah, sure, what for? Well, we need it for editing.

You got so lucky with your video resume, we're going to make a commercial about

ourselves to get women. Yeah.

Uh, yeah, look, hey, don't take this the wrong way, but more information about

you guys may not be the key to success.

This will work, okay? We're going to show it on the TV down at the Warsaw, so

all the women there know that we're respectable homeowners. Then they'll

date us.

Kate's going to direct it, and I'm going to narrate it.

How's this sound?

From the director of the Drew Carey resume, and a homemade sex video she

she'd erased.

Lewis and Oswald are done in 60 seconds.

Thanks for the computer. Good luck on your interview. Oh, by the way, Kate,

willing to do nudity if it advances the story.

What do you guys want now?

Good evening, Mr. Cary.

My, don't you look dashing.

You rogue, you... Oh, I spy a little spot of lint just here.

Mrs. Wick, what are you doing here?

Why... darling, I thought you might like a little drinky to calm you down before

your job interview.

Remember, wine isn't the only thing that improves with age.

Oh, what a shame. I just quit drinking a couple minutes ago.

I want to talk to you about coming back to the shop to help my dear Nigel.

Well, I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. I have my mind made up. I'm going to

go after this other job.

I see.

Darling,

proper impression with your tie all askew.

I'll change your mind, dear.

I've changed a lot of men's minds in my time.

Really? Was one of them Dalton John?

We're both adults here.

Let's settle down and have a reasonable discussion, shall we?

Oh, naughty boy, let's make this a quick one, shall we?

If you can find it, you can have it.

Allow me.

Trash, white trash, white trash, trash.

You see, if I shove this in far enough, I can blow your glasses off.

Maybe later.

I'm here to see Wick. Have you seen him around?

Nope. He didn't come in today.

What are you doing here? I thought you'd be working at Procter & Gamble by now.

I was a half hour late, so the guy wasn't there. They gave the job to

else. Gary!

Good morning, Mr.

Stansfield. I don't know if I ever mentioned this to you or not, but I've

thought you were the most attractive man on the board.

Carrie, I'm glad you're here. I've been trying to reach you. Me, sir? Why?

Wick has been screwing up ever since you left. He hasn't even shown up for the

past two days.

Really? That's weird. I haven't been able to get a hold of him either. It

doesn't matter.

We need you, Carrie.

How would you like to be manager of Winford Louder?

Manager?

Boy, I really appreciate it. I feel uncomfortable taking the job under these

circumstances. Well, if it's not you, it's going to be somebody else. Yes or

It's your decision.

Wow.

Just think.

All this could be mine.

Hey, there's some duties. Roll the tape, Tim.

Now, I don't care if you're rich and handsome. If you don't own a house, get

out.

girl have to go to find a guy with a house?

The bar of the Warsaw.

Right below the television.

Built by clowns and decorated by gays.

Imagine yourself here.

I'm going over to the bar. How about you?

Oh, man, I can't believe it. We build a house, we make a commercial.

You think it's us?

Yeah. Obviously, this bar is full of fatties, whiners, prudes, baldies,

and she -males.

Hello, Bob!

could I purchase with this?

It's only 39 cents.

All right. I also have a ketchup packet and a

citation for public urination.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, my God, Mr. Wick, you're drunk.

Yes.

Well, Mr. Wick, what happened? You've been sober for three years.

Well... I'm allowed special dispensation on certain days.

Christmas Day, New Year's Day, and Drew pounding it to my mother day.

That must be an English holiday.

Wait a minute. You're telling us that Drew had sex with your mom?

I saw it with my own eyes.

That's not all.

given my mom the old Twig and Berries.

He stole my bloody job.

All right, come on.

You're drunk, you're babbling.

Let's get you to rehab. Everything will be just fine. Wait, wait, wait.

Drew loves you, right? The best revenge we could have is for you and me to do it

right here. No, no, no.

You're not looking your best tonight, but that's all right.

willing. Come on, Mr. Wick. Hey, what's the rush? Let's stay here and think

about this for a while.

We're going to take you to rehab now.

All right, all right, but I have to go to the men's room. I haven't relieved

myself since 9 .32 this morning.

Man, I have never seen him this bad. I mean, he thinks that Drew stole his job

and slept with his mom?

Hey, everybody.

Guess who's the new manager at Winford Lauder?

Isn't that Mr. Wick's job?

Not anymore.

Hey, Drew, have you seen Mr. Wick's mom lately?

Yeah, started the other day. Man, what a wrestling match that was.

It's true.

Poor Mr.

Wick. You know, the guy's in the bathroom right now probably puking his

because of you. Is he really? I've been looking all over for him. Let me go talk

to him. Oh, man.

Must have pulled something when he rolled over on his mom.

Oh, my God.

Well, he did say he'd do whatever it took to get ahead.

But making Wick crazy by having sex with his mom?

Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna have sex with anybody's mom, it really should be

Oswald's mom.

Hey, you're talking about my mom.

Come on, you don't think your mom is hot?

Of course she's hot. She's super hot.

Could somebody please say something?

I think he went out the window. I'm going to try to see if I can find him.

knows what he might be up to.

Huh. I can't believe it. Our best friend is a ruthless bastard who has no

respect for other people.

Wow. Do you think he still respects us?

Oh, sure.

Except for you, mother lover.

That's a betrayal!

That's a betrayal!

I'm trying to kill you.

Help me up.

Geez, are you drunk? Yes.

And let me tell you another thing.

Even though you impregnated my mother and made me your brother, I will never

call you father.

This might be hard to believe, but your mother came on to me, okay? Nothing

happened. Oh, please.

You know me? You know your mother? You know how she is? Would I do something

like that?

Well, it is kind of hard to believe.

Hello. I hate to think of mother that way.

Then, you know, then they fired me and everything.

God, it's just too much.

Come on, you weren't doing the job anyway. You were hurting a lot of

know.

She misses as much as I do.

I'll tell you what.

I'll take you to rehab. I can take you tonight.

And I promise I'll do my best to get you down back at the store, okay?

As manager?

No, no. Something you can handle.

All right.

Do me a favor.

Don't judge my mother too harshly.

She wasn't always a tramp, you know.

used to dance topless in a cage.

And that's how you should remember her, sir. Oh,

hey,

Drew, did you talk to the board? What did they say?

I'm sorry, they won't give you your job back. They're concerned about your

drinking.

That's crazy. They should be concerned about my drinking.

with Mr.

Stansfield here, and he's agreed to give you a job at the store again.

Really? What could you have told him? I'd probably get down on my hands and

knees.

Carrie, I thought it over, and with you and Mr. Wick as... Co -managers. Co

-managers. You make a fine team.

Are you kidding me?

You can't do this job. You'd practically ruin the place. A deal is a deal, Mr.

Carey. You cannot take this job away from my Nigel.

Wait a minute, Mummy. What?

Well, I learned at my AA meetings I have to take responsibility for my own life.

Carrie, this is your decision.

You must do what you think is right.

Why do you have to turn into a human being now?

I suppose I'd better give him his job back, otherwise he'll just show up at my

house dressed in God knows what.

Perhaps something of yours, dear.

I've been told I look quite fetching in a man's shirt.

I mean, I can see you fetching.

I'll tell you what.

He can be co -manager, but I defintely say so on all the decisions.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. I can change, I promise I can. You can

count on me.

That was a belch, not an evil laugh.

You are a good man, Drew. You just saved my son's life.

Can I buy you a beer?

Yeah, sure, why not?

Hey, you know, maybe after you can help me get my refrigerator out of my

basement.

This is an old family recipe to thank you for helping my adorable Nigel. Oh,

looks great.

Oh, I got lemon juice in my eyes.

It's okay, I know the highway.

I can't believe he thought through such a jerk.

I mean, if he was so ruthless that he never would have hired Mr. Wick back,

right? Yeah, and then thinking he would jump Wick's mom.

He must have been nuts.