Original subtitles

Jen Michael Vinson.

Potatoes.

The Milky Way.

Nick Nolte.

I don't get it. What are the rules to this game?

Game?

What game?

Hey, do you have any idea what this new job is that Drew wants to celebrate

tonight? No, all he said was he'd be working at night and that is dangerous.

I hope I'm wrong, but I think I know what it is. He's a night clerk at a mini

mart in a predominantly vampire neighborhood.

Hey, how you doing? Anything?

Whoa!

You're a security guard?

Yep. I'm the guy who gets up from the metal chair to investigate the noise.

So you've moved from an executive position to a job that's frequently done

dog.

It's only temporary, you know, until I find my dream job.

Do you want to see me do it? Yeah, sure.

Can I see your ID?

Very impressive, honey.

Hey,

okay, elevator's right over there.

Hey, you have a good one. Oh.

job, Kate got a new job, and the CEO of Drugco is going to pay me off so I don't

blow the whistle on their illegal dumping.

How much are you getting?

I don't know. I'll find out tomorrow night when I meet him in the woods.

I bet that's a lot because he told me to bring a duffel bag as big as I am.

Kate got a new job?

Oh, yeah.

You know, the promotion at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Sure.

She didn't tell me anything about a promotion. Oh, come on, everybody knows.

She's in charge of the special events department.

You know, I'm just glad she didn't take that other job offer.

It's a good thing it didn't pay as well, or she'd have moved to Chicago.

She didn't tell me anything about moving to Chicago. Oh, yeah, they wanted her

to run the Metropolitan Museum of Polka.

It's not so much of a museum as a basement full of accordions.

Wow, she doesn't tell me anything anymore.

What did you expect? You broke her heart. The only time I talk to my ex is

.M. I get drunk, call them up and say, Ha ha!

Live it in your house and pet your dog.

Hey,

where you going?

Oh, mind if I call in the early night, hon? If I'm going to see you later on, I

have to finish some work. Oh, that's cool.

I tell you what, Mr. Security Guard.

If you come over around 10 .30, you can hold me for questioning.

I predict you'll be found sexy and sentenced to three to five minutes of

labor.

Oh, mushrooms.

The Oxford English Dictionary.

No, I'm a security guard, but, you know, only until I get a management job. Hey,

how come you didn't tell me about your promotion?

You always tell me things first.

Um, yeah, and then you married me second, so that's bound to change

This sucks.

I don't want to be just a guy in her life. I want to be her best friend

Yeah, well, you can have her. We're tired of her yapping about every little

thing. Should I buy the brown shoes? Should I buy the blue shoes?

I'm calling from a closet. There's a strange man in the house.

After a while, it's all just noise.

Well, I'm not worried.

Just going to bide my time, give her some space, try not to push her too

Can I see some ID, ma 'am?

What are you doing here?

Isn't it great? I asked my company to transfer me here. I think working

is going to be really good for us.

Your ID's not valid. It says here you're married.

Oh, wait. That was to me.

Gonna let it slide.

Elevator's over there.

You have a good one.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude...

Man.

First guitar.

We sold a hillbilly jacket.

Looks like you got it off curtains in a trailer.

Yeah, that's my jacket.

Oh. Oh, yeah, right.

Good thing my job doesn't involve noticing things.

Drew, maybe you should go back to your post. You know, if the boss comes by, we

could both get in trouble.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I can take a hint.

Wow,

my keys.

Kind of hard to lose 128 keys, but by God, I found a way.

Hey, what's this doing on Elvis' couch?

I don't know.

Jewish folk songs.

Oh, well, let me see that.

You know, when I was researching this exhibit, I read that when Elvis was

he lived in a house in Memphis with a Jewish family.

This could be Elvis singing.

You know...

That looks like one of those records they made on those old do -it -yourself

booths. Put it on. See what it sounds like. Okay.

Alva, Nautila, Alva, Nautila, Alva.

Oh, my God. That is Elvis.

Wow.

You know what?

I mean, I'll have to get it inspected. to make sure it's real. But, I mean, if

that's Elvis singing on a record that no one's heard before, it'll be huge.

And you'll get the credit. This will be really great for your career here, Kate.

No, no, no, Drew. You found it. Are you sure it's okay?

Yeah, sure.

Hey,

let's see what the other side is.

Yes, it seems management's little experiment has failed.

Well, I'm glad that the walls are back up, but I feel bad for the other

employees. I mean, now they're not going to be able to look over and see what

I'm wearing.

Yes, it's true. The fear of the unknown is always worse than actually seeing it.

Wait!

You're not going to sit there, are you?

Why wouldn't I?

Well, the pig sat there, rotting from the inside.

at mimi are you suggesting that in some way i'll be possessed by the spirit of

drew's failure bobbycock oh

you felt a presence didn't you yes yes i

did i'm being sucked down into the bermuda cubicle help me please

mimi i'm my own man i'm not afraid of any drew cooties now if you'll

That's odd.

I've never had any trouble seeing the screen before.

It's a really nice look for you. Devil, come out!

All right.

It didn't work. Stay here.

I got to go kill a chicken.

So, Kate told us about the Elvis record.

Yeah. She was so excited about it, she actually hugged me for the first time

since the divorce. Isn't that fantastic?

Yeah, that's great, Drew. You're a 40 -year -old security guard who got a hug

from a girl.

How you doing? Hi, Drew.

Drew, I called you at work, and they told me that you were assigned to the

and Roll Hall of Fame.

Yeah. Isn't that where Kate works?

Whoa. Lights a little bright in here, detective.

Drew, why do you want to be close to your ex -wife so bad?

Oh, isn't that cute?

You're jealous.

Drew, I am a top executive who's dating a security guard.

little margin for error.

Hey, do you guys really want to settle this? We've got a makeshift thunderdome

in our backyard.

Hey,

what's the big deal? Kate's just a friend of mine.

Oh, you were married too?

Yeah, but I need Kate.

You know, I depend on her for woman advice.

Know that bracelet I got you for your birthday?

Yeah. Well, if it wasn't for Kate, that would have been a box of cigars and a

subscription to Penthouse.

Aww, that's so cute. You chose the policeman pajamas.

Joe, Joe, good news. I just got back from the studio, and the sound expert

he's almost positive that it's Elvis singing Jewish folk songs. Wow,

congratulations. Thanks. I still can't believe it. Jewish folk songs.

I'm not surprised. I mean, look at his other songs, like Blue Suede Jews.

Anyway, I... I called my boss, and he's going to set a press conference for the

day after tomorrow for the exhibit.

Wow. I have a great feeling about this. I could end up running the whole Rock

and Roll Hall of Fame. Oh, wow.

What a crock. You're going to screw it up like you do everything.

That is where you are so wrong, Mimi. I've got everything covered.

See this record case?

Triple reinforced.

You could send an egg to the moon in this thing. Oh.

Yeah. Look.

Check it out.

Titanium cover.

protective foam interior.

Now the best part is the lining.

Velvet and silk.

Feel how soft it is.

It's okay.

There's just a little dust on there.

tells me you need a beer right now.

Well, you still got the case.

Maybe you can live in there after they fire you over this.

Oh, my God. I can't believe I screwed up again. I'm going to get fired.

All right, wait. I can still call the Polka Museum before they hear about

I am not letting her go to Chicago.

Well, what can we do about it?

I don't know, but I got to get another beer. I think the king went down the

wrong pipe.

I can't believe it.

It was going so great, I was going to be her best friend again. Now she's moving

away. Hey, you know, just because Kate's moving to Chicago doesn't mean we still

can't be friends.

No, but it's never going to be the same.

We're going to talk to each other a few times a year, then eventually it's only

going to be just Christmas cards. And then one day, the Russian orderly in my

nursing home is going to hear me whisper her name on my deathbed, and he's going

to just shrug and steal my shoes.

Well, I predict you'll stay, friends. And I predict you'll never end up in a

nursing home. You do?

Yeah. You know, in the future, they're going to shoot old people with no money

into space.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, it's okay. I just can't believe I'm moving.

It's hard to get too depressed because I've been listening to a lot of polka.

Oh, well, we're still going to see you every once in a while, right? Yeah. When

I was packing, though, I found some things of yours I wanted to get back

I leave.

Um, Lewis, here's your Men Without Hats album.

Oh, that's not mine.

Okay, fine. I just don't want it.

Here's some things you want me to hold on for you two -year -old enough to play

with them. Your lawn darts, your clackers, your wood -burning kit.

Wow, cool. I forgot about these. Yeah.

And, Drew, here's your wrist game.

Oh, that's my wrist game. That's mine. No, that's mine. It's mine!

So,

uh, how'd your boss take it when you told him you crushed a record?

I kind of haven't told him yet.

He doesn't take bad news well. I mean, I will tell him the press conference is

tomorrow morning. You know, a press conference for an old Elvis record? I've

to admit, I never got it for the guy. I mean, what's so special about a guy who

talks like this?

Hey, man, tell the colonel to gas up the catty. We're going out for some ribs.

You know what, Kate?

I know a way you might still be able to keep your job and stay here.

You have one of those do -it -yourself recording booths down at the Hall of

Fame, right?

No, it won't work.

Yeah, yeah, sure it will. Look, we get Oswald to do it as Elvis, huh?

It won't sound perfect, but it doesn't have to. Nobody at the press conference

will have ever heard the original.

Drew, please tell them it's a stupid idea. It's a stupid idea, but... I don't

want you to leave town. If there's a million and one chance at work, why not

give it a shot?

Yeah, and if you ever destroy anything by Christopher Walken, I can do him,

You know, I would have been a bigger star if only I wasn't so creepy.

Where's the record, Kate?

We were supposed to make the announcement an hour ago.

You are harshing not only on my mellow, but on the mellow of the entire Rock and

Roll Hall of Fame.

Sorry, Mr. Metcalf. I told one of our guards to bring it down, but I don't

what's keeping him.

You screw this up, O 'Brien, your ass is grass.

That reminds me, do you have a cupcake on you? No. A hostess Twinkie? No.

You set me up!

Sir, it's our security.

Oh, are they cool? Yeah, they're cool. Oh, cool.

I have your record here, Miss O 'Brien. Where were you? I wanted to listen to

this first. Sorry, it took longer than I thought.

But it came out pretty good. Oh, you heard it?

No, but there it is.

It's about time.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our new exhibit, The Unknown Elvis.

The centerpiece, as you know, is a lost Elvis recording discovered by our own

Kate O 'Brien.

I said that too fast, didn't I?

I know, don't I?

Why can't you just let me live my life?

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Mr. Metcalf.

We are proud to unveil Elvis' recording of two Jewish folk songs never before

played in public.

Remember, these were recorded in 1952 on very primitive equipment, so they may

sound a little crude.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Elvis.

From 1952.

Shut that window in the recording booth.

Hey, man.

The king don't shut no windows.

Hey.

Are you going to lunch?

Sure.

Hey, I talked to Oswald and he told me how that fake record didn't fool

It's really sad, but maybe Chicago would be good for a cake. You know, a fresh

start. Actually, she's not even going to Chicago.

You're kidding.

They didn't fire her?

Well, they were going to fire her.

I took the blame, and they fired me instead.

Let me see if I understand this. You gave up your job for Kate?

Yeah, it was going to happen sooner or later.

I kind of lost my gun two days ago.

True, you're still in love with Kate.

What? No, I'm not.

Oh, yeah? Then why'd you get yourself transferred to the Hall of Fame?

Why did you give her credit for firing the record, and why did you take the

for breaking it?

Because I like her.

I like her a lot.

You know, what do you, you know, what do you call when you're, when you like

somebody real, real a lot?

Love.

Okay, love.

But I'm sure there's someone in your life that you kind of love that you

go out with anymore.

Yeah.

You know, I can't believe you don't want to go out with me anymore just because

I'm in love with... Yeah, you're right.

Hey, Joe. Hey. Hey, Kate.

How you doing?

Not bad.

You want to hear about my day?

when you're going to tell about it?

Yes, you're the first.

All right.

How was your day?

The guy at work did the nicest thing for me.

He gave up his job to save mine.

Really? Was he a good -looking guy?

In a certain light.

What are you watching?

Oh, it's Spanish News Channel.

I have a crush on the anchor woman, so I watched it with the volume down and

make up my own words.

What's that creepy, is it?

No, when I caught you in your shorts watching the Golden Girls in a room full

candles, that was a little creepy.

It was their final episode.

the overwhelming evidence to your ears, I am not Christopher Walken.

And I am not Michael Caine.

And I am not Connery. Sean Connery.