Original subtitles

Hey, honey.

Try one of these crab rolls. I want to see if I put in too much curry.

You're perfect.

And thanks for putting this party together.

Yeah, well, you know, you're busy, and I like helping you. I know you help me

when I'm a big executive.

Oh, I love the way your eyes twinkle when you laugh at my life.

Boy, you smell so good.

True, not here. This is a business party.

Behind the plant.

Don't you think people will get suspicious when the plants start shaking

they won't slap my ass?

Uh -oh, Sylvia Simon just walked in. Put your hands where God can see them.

She's one of the vice presidents at Bloomingdale's. We should introduce

ourselves.

Boy, that photosynthesis is really something when you see it up close.

Sylvia, I'm Christine Watson with Winfrey Louder.

Yes, Christine, it's a pleasure to meet you. And thank you so much for hosting

this cocktail party.

Oh, my pleasure. And this is my boyfriend, Drew. He's also with Winfrey

Drew, you must be new at the store. I haven't heard of you.

Actually, I worked there for 20 years. But don't worry, the guy sitting next to

me never heard of me either.

Oh, he's charming, Christine.

Don't let him get away.

It's so important to laugh.

My boyfriend, Jeremy.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Why don't you two get acquainted?

We've got to talk business.

It'll just be boring for you.

I love your shirt. Where'd you get it?

Uh, Sam's Club. It was at a den.

Well, anyway, throw a great party.

Thanks. How'd you know I'd put this together? Hey, you know what they say.

Behind every powerful woman is a guy with a bunch of dead dreams making it

It's back to my Sylvia. I'll kill you.

Oh, Jeremy, there you are. Oh, cool.

Drew, this is Bob. Bob's with Judy Anderson from Saks Fifth Avenue. Hey,

I crashed Judy's Jag into the pool.

I wish to God they never fished me out. Yeah.

What's this guy's deal?

Drew's dating Christine Watson from Wind From Loud. Oh.

Well, congratulations.

Yeah. Welcome to hell. Yeah.

It's not like that with me and Christine. She respects what I do for a

We're a team. We're equals.

True. I was just telling Evelyn from Penny's over there about the amazing

that you've been doing, and she would love to talk to you about it.

Oh, do you hear that, Bob? She's interested in my work at Winford Louder.

Actually, sweetie, she wants that artichoke dip recipe.

Sorry.

Artichoke dip, huh?

My specialty is the seven layer.

Kill me, please.

Just take it.

I am not going to end up like you guys.

You bet you're not. Because you're going to turn around, you're going to walk

right out that door and not look back.

Go! Go!

Go!

Oh, hi, honey. Hi, God, I love you.

Get the minivan for the kid.

Gonna miss that old rambler.

Need a lot of men happy in that car.

And when you let him out of the trunk.

Look for Mimi Bobeck.

Wow! Aren't you Dee Snider? Yeah, I am. How you doing? Wow, I love Twisted

Sister. My dad said if I listened to you too much, I'd go to hell and I'd burn

there for all eternity.

Never get tired of hearing that.

bobeck president of your fan club now i know where my old makeup went

gotta warn you before you go on with this i am married

sure you are i don't want to come down and break this news to you personally

you're fired what why mimi you're dropping the ball you're missing all the

meetings you haven't been answering the fan mail and look at this newsletter

there's typos everywhere

He sold his soul to satin?

I mean, it's a great fabric and all, but it doesn't make me look badass.

Sorry, I've just been so busy raising my little boy.

Yeah, look, I got kids all over the world. You don't see me slacking off.

Give me my stuff.

I want the Twisted Sister handbook, the fan's database, the backstage pass, and

that plaster cast of my love muscle.

Not bad. considering my grandmother was in the room.

I mean, you know, you know Tommy Lee, but not that.

Hey, Drew, ready to go to Cakes and Steaks?

I'm trying to lose some weight. You want to go to Fork and Pie instead?

Sounds good.

Hey.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Christine.

You going out with Drew again today?

How come a couple of nice guys like you don't have girlfriends?

Well, the general consensus is I'm a painful lover.

on, let's just talk about the weather, okay?

And what about you? If I wasn't on a diet, I'd eat you up. No, there's parts

me that are hard smart.

And I don't have a girlfriend because I'm always two beats behind in the

conversation.

Honey, I'm really swamped today. I hate to ask this, but can you say you could

do a couple more favors for me? Yeah, sure.

Wow, this is a lot of stuff. I don't know if I get all this done in my work,

too.

Drew, don't take this the wrong way. But you helping me would actually be more

important to the company than all this violent here.

What'd she say? That Drew just says monkey work.

Yeah, well, staying up to date on my work is important to me, so... You're

right. I'm sorry.

I'll just move my 2 o 'clock with the reps and my 4 o 'clock with the buyers.

I'll reschedule them for Saturday.

Well, Saturday's our naked day.

You just have to be naked by yourself.

No, I'm bored with that. Here, give me another one.

Wow. You have a very eunuch relationship.

It's just very eunuch.

Out of the ordinary.

Eunuch.

You're just jealous as I get a girlfriend who cares about me. All you

sock puff with some lipstick and a wig on it.

You're not going to watch it by yourself today. I have a very important

appointment with a Mr.

LeFou.

Eunuch.

There's my handsome man. There you are.

Hey,

you still didn't ask for a puffy topknot. This doesn't look like a puffy

to me.

And the tail is supposed to be a cotton ball. That doesn't look like a cotton

ball. You shoot the line quarters way too close. Look at those buttocks.

And it's the sissy in the mirror.

I think you'll be very happy with this minivan.

It's the perfect family car.

What other colors does it come in?

White, beige, and Pacific Sea Mist.

Pacific Sea Mist. That sounds kind of pretty. What color is that?

Well, it's kind of a hazy, misty sort of... It's gray.

Nice.

There's a lot of big windows.

So I can watch life passing me by. Okay.

It's also got 24 -hour roadside assistance, so you'll never get

global positioning system, so you'll never get lost.

With this baby, you'll never experience any surprises in your life.

Ever.

But I like surprises.

Like excitement.

You want excitement?

Get your cholesterol up to 400 and work at a job you hate.

Just kidding.

So we can start the paperwork.

Yes, we can.

Mimi? Does Christine know you're fooling around on her?

Look at that. 300 horses under the hood and one behind the wheel.

Let's see what that thing can do.

It can. It's Christine's car.

Oh, sorry. I couldn't hear you over the sound of you being whipped.

And you're tough, not buffoon. You got a lesson to teach.

To lay out.

Can you make it one?

I have to get up early in the morning, I have to get the car washed, and I have

to get Mr. LaFoon's anal glands expressed.

You know, anal glands, then a car wash.

I'm trying to get it out because he's getting his picture taken tomorrow.

Can I get some more club soda over here, please?

What can we add to this picture to make it even more emasculating?

I guess if you were wearing a diaper and licking a big lollipop.

Go ahead and laugh.

I found a way to be very comfortable with all of this. And we know what that

You're always covered with grease and you're always in your garage.

So? Please, Drew.

We're not idiots.

You've been eating chicken in the garage.

this sweet chicken operation and I'm not cutting nobody in, see?

Look who finally showed up at the Warsaw.

It's all right, Kate. We figured out what he's been up to. Yeah, so have I.

been drag racing with Mimi.

You're going to fool yourself.

Come on, Kate. He's hanging out in his garage covered with grease. Where do you

get drag racing from that?

Actually, Kate's right.

Boy, for two guys who are never, ever right, we sure are cocky.

Well, my battery died, so I went to the auto parts store to pick up a new one

and, you know, a guy who could put it in for me.

Dammit, she's supposed to keep her mouth shut about this.

Yeah, well, I guess she couldn't resist bragging about how many times she's

beaten you. She also replaced my battery, changed my oil, and gave me

shirtless mechanic calendar.

There is one month... Ugh, that's right.

May.

I actually think he's straight, don't you?

Sorry, Kate, you don't get abs like this by having sex with other men.

Really? Street racing? What are you thinking?

People get killed doing that kind of stuff. What are you trying to prove?

Nothing. Maybe I'm just trying to get some kicks.

I get it. During the day, you take orders from your girlfriend, and at

you reclaim your manhood by speeding around in a giant metal penis.

No, it's a Corvette, so it's a giant fiberglass penis.

Whatever. If you ask me, your life is pretty pathetic.

I have to go because I have a romantic evening planned with someone very, very

special.

Where's my calendar?

Who took my calendar?

Drew, if you don't like taking orders from Christine, why don't you just talk

her about it? I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen? She breaks up

with you? Yes, that is the worst thing that can happen. I happen to like

Christine. I just blew two relationships with people I really cared about. I'm

not going to let it happen again.

Yeah, well, when she finds out you've been lying and sneaking off and racing

car, she's going to break up with you anyway.

Yeah, well, she's not going to break up with me because she's not going to find

out. Ever.

Hey, I heard you talking about street racing.

You guys race for money, right?

Oh, my God, you're Jeff Gordon.

No, but I get that a lot.

Yeah, dude, you're Jeff Gordon.

I see you on TV. You got Jeff Gordon running your jacket, number 24. All

I'm Jeff Gordon. Hey, I just need a race.

I need some money back.

You? Yeah, I got this problem, man. I'm seriously addicted to eBay.

Look at these socks.

Stallone wore them in tango and cash. Eight thousand bucks.

Well, maybe you can trade them to me for some magic beans.

Maybe. Magic beans. Tell me what they do.

Who are you going up against?

She's in the valet, Parker.

Oh, what's he driving tonight?

Oh, he's working a wedding, so he's got a... except the 57 Chevy.

I'm not worried, though. The can should slum down.

Hey!

Look who's here.

It's Christine.

How's it going?

Oh, just fine.

Look what I got in the mail today.

Oh, look. One of those photo traffic tickets with a picture of Drew and me

racing through a red light.

ashamed of yourself.

Watch how I blame this on you.

Drew told me that if I didn't race him, he would eat our baby.

Amy, we have to talk.

You said you bought that helmet for the bedroom.

Drew, why are you doing this?

Does this answer your question?

No.

being a mother, but I just need more.

I used to live on the edge. I liked it. I don't want to be a soccer mom. I want

to be a rocker mom.

I'm sorry, Mimi. I will not have my wife street racing. It's just too dangerous.

I put my foot down.

I've got to do it.

If I back out now, then I'll just be some boring old mom.

Well, fine.

You just take a look at little Gus and you tell him you still want to race.

I can't believe this, baby!

I want to be in a relationship where we're equals. I'm sick of being your

boy. You're not my errand boy. You're my errand boy friend.

Come on. You know what I mean.

I hear what you're saying, but I like calling the shots. I'm kind of bossy. I

can't help it.

Yeah? Well, maybe there's some new rules.

Maybe I'm going to be the boss now. Maybe I'm giving the orders. Maybe

going to listen to me.

This is the part where you get all hot because I'm standing up to you.

I said maybe.

be so damn cute.

Look, it's hard to change after being like this my whole life, but I'm willing

to try for you.

You're not going to break up with me?

No. You want to think I'll leave you just because we had one fight?

You are so damaged.

I want to fix that.

I'm going to fix everything that's wrong with you.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Then I'm going to fix that.

Let's go, Kerry. We're up.

Uh, hey.

Why don't you go ahead? I'm not going to race anymore.

Here's your keys, honey.

Wait a minute.

You're racing your girlfriend's car?

Hey, guys.

Carrie's a wuss.

Let's just get out of here.

Could you do one more thing for me?

What's that?

Kick that guy's butt.

Well, you know, when it lands, I'll get some estimates on fixing it.

Oh, my God.

They did it again.

Look at my hair, too.

They know I'm a guy, right?

They must have shaved me everywhere.

I wish I could get someone to shave that groomer's ass and send him out to the

public.