Original subtitles

Hey, what's going on with all this crap?

The board hired a new efficiency expert to take Wick's place while he's on

vacation. She put in these desks so that we couldn't hide any personal stuff,

and chairs are supposed to help us concentrate.

Mostly, I'm just concentrating on not...

falling ass over tea kettle on the floor.

You just can't come in here and take my personal stuff. How come nobody ever

told me about this efficiency expert?

Because, Mr. Carey, you are low -level management who's out of the loop and ten

minutes late. You hear that?

I told you I was management.

May I have everyone's attention?

My name is Christine Watson.

I've been hired... to cut costs and make this place profitable.

Now, some of you may lose your jobs, but if you work hard and apply yourselves,

you'll still probably lose your jobs.

If you work at a superhuman capacity with a pay cut, maybe, just maybe, you

can save your jobs.

Okay, now back to work.

Oh, and don't forget, have fun.

Hold on a second there, Ms.

Watson.

You just can't come in here and threaten everybody like that, push us around.

There's a lot of hard -working people here. I'm going to protect my employees.

Really? And how are you going to protect them from the softest retail market in

decades? And how are you going to protect them from that mall going up

town? I'm only going to say this one time.

I don't know.

I'm going to enjoy kicking your ass, Carrie.

Like a butt I can lose my foot in.

All this energy calling

me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips.

then with a safety pin go

It's just so hard leaving Trevor in the morning.

You have a boyfriend.

Shower massager.

I know

you've been brought here to make us more

efficient, but your driving is crazy.

We're not machines. We're people. We have outside interests.

We have lives. We have families. I was here one time, and I have a family. It's

Winfrey and Louder. I have children, Winfrey and Louder. I have outside

interests. I like to write songs about Winfrey and Louder. Want to hear one?

Woke up this morning. Get your butt and get on your fire.

Hey, sorry I'm late. Sat in a donut and had to change my pants.

Thank you,

Drew. Very efficient, as always.

I have something for you, Drew.

I brought it up from the furniture department. It's a little gesture to

appreciation. I want people to know that hard work has its rewards.

Wow, this is great. This is the best chair they have.

I heard Elvis had a toilet made out of one of these.

And let me know if there's anything else you need.

Well, what is this?

A romance novel at work.

Oh, I have a romance novel for you.

Norma's High Love.

In unemployment...

Why does she have to be so evil?

You heard her. She doesn't have any personal life. That translates, she

getting any.

I know what'll ease her off of us. We gotta fix her up with somebody.

Hey, I don't know what it does, but there's a button here called spread them

get them.

Let's do it.

Drew. You have to help us. Miss Watson's turning this store into a living hell.

Yeah, a living hell.

Look, I don't know why, but she's got the hots for you. That's why you've got

take her out and romance her a little and then slip her the Carey family

I'm not going to do that.

All right, maybe this will help.

Pity sex for the boss, $500.

That's pretty good pay.

For you, that works out to about $250 a second.

Hey, let me tell you something.

Drew Carey can't be bought.

Just think about it, okay? Because she's killing us.

You know, maybe a little hard work is what we need around here to turn the

back around.

What's that?

Miss Watson's giving us a break from Mr. Anderson's retirement party.

Oh,

I guess it can be denied.

I'll have a talk with her, but that's it. I'm just going to talk with her.

Nothing else.

I'm already involved with somebody.

You miss me, baby?

he's home and he brought the good stuff guys how's it going oh i'm

exhausted building a house is hard and we're not this tired when we stay up all

night drinking different muscles i hate to tell you this buddy but i don't think

we're going to be in the house by winter we never should have given notice in

our apartment maybe we could talk to him and let's keep the apartment for a

couple more weeks we don't have any money for rent i got it covered

Hey, Tim.

Hey, we were wondering if you'd let us have the apartment back for a couple

weeks, but we can't pay rent.

No.

Look, we can't pay rent with money, but there are other forms of payment.

Have you ever seen the movie Indecent Proposal?

give him our copy of the movie Indecent Proposal. Oh, thank God.

Okay. Tim, you help my friends out, and I will give you this used chapstick

that's been all over my lips.

You have a $2 ,000 bar tab.

$2 ,000.

$2 ,000.

You're like a broken record.

We get over it, you're not getting it.

Well, I'm just saying you should lighten up a little. I don't know why I have

to... ride people so hard all the time.

You know, I know you all think I'm like some kind of drill sergeant, but it's

for a reason.

The board wants me to fire 20 % of the staff.

Really?

Yep. But if I can get productivity up, I think I only have to let go of 5%. Oh,

oh, I get it. It's like tough love.

Like the time the owner of the adult bookstore told me to get out and get

sun.

You know, you seem like a smart guy. How come you've been stuck in the same job

for the past 15 years?

My theory is I'm just too good looking to be taken seriously.

How did you get into the efficiency business?

Well, I graduated from Northwestern with a degree in philosophy and a minor in

art history.

So after selling tires four years, I got into this.

Oh, so you've wasted half your life and you're still ahead of me. Great.

This is fun. I'm glad we did this.

Yeah, me too.

It's still early. You want to do something else?

Do you like bowling?

I love bowling.

There's a bowling alley not far from here that's league night, but if they're

crowded, we can always find something else to do.

So, you know, if you want, we should go down to the bowling alley and see if our

names have come up on the list yet.

I don't think so.

In about half an hour, you've got a spare to pick up.

Hey, I'm going to get a beer. You want one?

Sure.

Okay. Right back.

I know we just had sex. I'm not ready for you to see me in my underwear yet.

$500? Hey, I got an idea.

Let's play a game where you're the angry boss and I'm the naughty employee

that's done something bad.

You dirty bastard!

And you'll start starting without me.

Watson is five minutes late. Do you think last night she and Drew disgraced

themselves?

I'll find out.

Good morning, Ms. Watson.

Good morning.

So, last night I was watching Animal Planet and a guy was wrestling a bear.

Big, hairy thing rolling and slobbering around on top of him.

Now, this is where you respond with a similar anecdote from your life.

Okay. Last night I was watching the Firing Channel and I saw a woman on it

looked just like you.

Well, cut your break lines. That does make me laugh.

Hey, Ms. Watson.

I know a productive day starts with a good breakfast, so I got you a muffin.

A stud muffin.

Thank you, Mr. Carey. Hey, you were gone when I got upstairs last night. Did

something happen? I mean, this isn't going too fast for you, is it?

Can we talk about this in my office?

Oh, please.

Hope I don't get a tongue lashing.

do have a problem.

Well, I don't understand it. You seemed happy last night. I mean, I wasn't the

one screaming like a girl. I feel pretty. I feel pretty.

Yes, you are.

Oh, well, then what then? What's the problem?

We're going to pretend last night never happened. Okay, listen, I can explain.

They wanted to pay me to have sex with you, but I told them there was no way

do something that disgusting.

Oh, thank you. That makes it all better.

No, listen, I can really explain. Quiet!

If you bring this up again, you're fired.

Yeah, but if you just hear me out... Say one more word, and you're gone.

Way to go, Mimi.

She found the check.

It's everything screwed up. You ruined everything.

Mimi, can I talk to you in my office for a second?

Of course.

I'll be right with you.

Just trying to remember who had my checkbook last.

It's nice of you guys to help out on Thanksgiving.

Maybe we can actually finish building the house before the first snow.

Yeah, I think we're going to be okay. We got all the supplies.

Now we need a positive attitude and a magic tornado to pick up all this wood

drop it in the shape of a house.

What the hell?

Is everyone okay?

No, wait a minute. My neck hurts.

You got whiplash?

No, I think I got whipped cash.

I think we're writing the check on this one.

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages in the center lane.

A two -vehicle non -injury accident.

And it's all our fault.

Oh, my God. We got hit by the circus.

Move along.

Nothing to see here. It's not a show.

I'm really sorry. At least there's not too much damage. Well, we don't care

about the truck. We spent all our money on those construction supplies and

they're ruined.

Don't worry. Our insurance will cover it. We can't wait for any insurance.

winner's coming. We've got to get our house built or we're screwed.

Oh, thank you. Now we won't freeze to death.

I think I know how I can help you guys.

Funny two hours ago, still funny.

Hey, did you find all these guys from Home Depot?

This is great. The circus reminded us, and they felt so bad about it, they're

helping to fill their house.

It's a true Thanksgiving miracle.

I'm glad somebody's having a good holiday.

Get the hell away from me.

What's the matter, little brother?

Well, I went on with my boss, and one thing led to the other.

I swear to God. I will beat you into a puddle of colors.

Anyway, I wasn't looking for this, but I really like Christine, and now she

won't talk to me because she found a check that Mimi gave me to sleep with

So you were paid to have sex, you say?

It was obviously sleepwalking.

Don't wake him up or he'll die.

I'm serious.

She hates me now, and if I try to talk to her about it, she says she'll fire

Well, Drew, it sounds like she just needs some time to cool off. Give her a

couple of weeks. See what happens.

No, I can't wait.

I feel terrible that she's sitting at home thinking I'd do something that

to her.

That's for scared children everywhere.

Oh. Hi, Drew.

You're fired.

Fine.

Fine, I'm fired.

But if you let me in, I have a couple of tricky dinners here. Maybe we can sit

down and talk about this whole... You're making a liar out of this welcome mat

here.

I'll leave a message. I came here to say what I'm going to say, and you're going

to hear me out.

Yes, I had sex with you. They paid me to have sex with you. But I didn't want

it, and I didn't ask for it. That's not why I had sex with you anyway.

I had sex with you because I liked you.

You know, I've kissed a lot of bosses' asses in my time, but I've never kissed

their breasts, too.

Uh, excuse me, Reverend. That's a business call I have to take.

talk about sex with your family? No.

Then why are you doing it with mine?

Oh, hey.

Happy Thanksgiving.

He's not staying.

Now, honey, honey, don't be rude.

You're joining us for dinner. I'm Christine's mother, Elizabeth.

Hi, I really can't. I just came here to talk to Christine. That'll be on my way.

Oh, nonsense. We don't turn anyone away on Thanksgiving.

Yeah, but I really think I should... Sit.

Gerard, get your sister's boyfriend a chair.

Oh, I'd love to.

Guess that's what Thanksgiving's all about.

White folks showing up when they're not wanting.

I'm sorry, Drew.

Gerard's working through some issues.

And he's not my boyfriend.

The Reverend heard you slept with him.

He's your boyfriend.

Thank you.

Is that okay, Drew?

Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Let's eat.

Actually, we'd like to thank the Lord before we eat.

We were about to say grace when you left your dirty message.

Reverend, let us hold hands and bow our heads.

Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful food we are about to receive.

Gerard, you're hurting me.

Now imagine 400 years of that.

Amen. Amen.

I'd like to say something about this young man who showed up unannounced to

dinner.

Thank you, Lord, for sending him into Christine's life to prove that her

did not turn her into a lesbian.

You were married before?

Uh -huh. And he left her.

And she hasn't had one date in eight years.

You haven't had a date in eight years? Then you thought they paid me to go out

with you? No wonder you're so mad.

Want to know why I'm mad?

I think I got a pretty good idea.

Drew, can I talk to you over here for a minute?

Please don't let your art touch my food.

Look, Drew, I have to admit, I like you too. You're the first man in a long time

that I actually felt something for. Really?

Yeah, but I thought about it and I realized that... This is a bad idea.

I worked hard to get where I am. I'm not going to jeopardize it by dating an

employee.

Oh.

So, well, I guess we're through. Nothing I can say?

No.

Guess I just better go, then.

Man, that was amazing.

You know, I know you're going through kind of a moral dilemma now, being the

boss and all, but, uh...

I promise I won't do anything to jeopardize your career, okay?

I guess you deserve that. After

all, you did do most of the work.