All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s07e09 Drew Live III

Hi, I'm Ryan Stiles, coming to you live
from the broadcast booth of the Drew

Carey Show. And this is our director,
Jerry Cohen.

And what you're about to witness is
actual live irritation.

I'm not touching the director. I'm not
touching the director. I'm not touching

the director. I'm not touching the
director.

Don't you like every shot of you from
now on to look like this?

I warn you, whatever part of my body you
zoom in on, I'll play it.

And now here's the host of our show,
Brad Sherwood.

Hi.

That's host talk for hello.

Just to make the show more exciting,
occasionally we're going to surprise the

actors with this improv bell.

That means they'll have to come up with
a brand new line live right on the spot.

Try it at home.

Not so easy, is it?

That's right, I can see you too,
America.

Hey, you in San Francisco, I think
you've had enough cake, fatty.

Hey, you in Seattle, enough with the
flan.

Well, Ryan, you want to start the show
or you want to make up?

Can't we do both? Sure.

Oh, boy. Cue action and design.

Oh, man, I might hung over.

Oh, hey there.

Cliff from Cheers?

Ratzenberger to you there, pal.

Hey, where am I?

Oh, you're in a dog pound in Asheville,
Tennessee.

Population 1 .2 million.

Sister city to Lima, Peru.

What am I doing here?

Well, you were about to jump off a
bridge, so I handcuffed myself to you to

you.

Oh, great. I'm in a dog pound chained to
a celebrity. I'll finally get in the

Enquirer.

Yeah, well, you know, you were really
freaking out there, Drew.

Yeah, you just kept shouting, uh, I
don't want to live after what I've done.

Oh, my God, what'd I do?

Mommy, Daddy, can we get the one with
the glasses?

All this energy calling me Back where it
comes from It's such

a crude attitude It's back where it
belongs

Thanks for keeping me from jumping off
that bridge, John. Yeah, yeah, that's

okay, Drew. Hey, you were really upset.

Helped you polish off a whole bottle of
bourbon just to calm you down.

Oh, hey, by the way, Drew, you sleep
with your butt in the air.

I was pulling schnauzers off you all
night.

Hey, you sleep with your butt in the
air.

Yeah, the chihuahuas were using your
back as a ski jump.

He asked me not to tell you. Oh.

Well, didn't they see the handcuffs? He
knew I was with you.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute, Drew. I think he's trying
to tell us something.

What's that, boy?

You think the dog catcher found us,
passed out, and brought us in here to

out? Hmm.

Oh, he's thinking about something else.
I see that. Yeah. He's one of those...

Thinking breeds.

You know what? I can kind of read his
mind. I think he's thinking about dog

dreams or something. It doesn't matter.

Yeah, yeah. Who cares?

Yeah. Hey, listen, Drew. I got to be the
hasty retreat here. I'm pitching a show

to a couple of network executives.
Really? It's a reality show. Yeah,

they're buying now.

What do you think of this title?

Reality. Do we really need it?

What do you think of this title?

Grapes. Where the heck do they come
from?

Yeah, whatever.

Anyway.

I was wondering if I could get your
autograph because I'm a big Cheers fan.

sure. Oh, wow.

A train ticket.

You know, this reminds me. I'm
remembering something. I was taking a

business trip down here to Nashville.

What we need here is a flashback.

Flashback, dream sequences, fantasies.

I'll take a flashback, please. How far
you want to go back, handsome?

About two days to Drew at his office.
That'll be ten bucks.

All right. Want to go back ten years,
watch me experiment with a girl?

Jerry, can I?

No.

I'll talk to you later.

Flashback. Flashback.

Flashback. Flashback.

You know, when you start bringing your
lunch to work on wheels, there's a

problem.

I'm just jealous because you're not
going to the business conference down in

Nashville. But hey, you did get a week
off to go to your family reunion, or as

it's technically known, the Stampede.

Hey, you guys ready to go? Yeah, man, I
can't wait to get to Nashville. I am

going to go straight to Dollywood. He
loves Dolly Parton. Yeah.

I'm going to be first in line to ride
the areola coaster.

I'm going to be first in line to ride
the nipple whip.

It does sound like fun.

But I can't wait to go to the whiskey
capital of the world and meet Jack

Daniels. I just want to thank him for
giving me the courage to do things I

wouldn't normally do.

Amy, I did it.

I found a babysitter.

Kate's going to take care of King Gus,
and I think she'll be wonderful.

Yeah, that's right. I love babies. I
mean, I love the way that they walk

the back seat when you drive.

Can't we just leave him with the guy
that lives down the street with the

tattooed on his face?

He was busy.

Okay, you're in.

And here's the list of his favorite
foods and his feeding times, his

number, and where I can be reached in
Nashville.

No.

That's right. Mr. Wick's still on
vacation, so I got his ticket.

Oh, and I'm taking Steve because I've
never had sex on a train.

You know, that's even more disturbing
than when you yell at me.

I know.

Well, while Drew runs off to another
set, I would like to introduce Chip,

and Greg, the stall for time player.

Thank you, Brad.

Our first piece is entitled Caffeinated,
Decaffeinated.

Jeff?

Decaffeinated.

I'm sorry, no.

Oh, no. You can tell me how long it'll
be before we reach the long tunnel,

because we're going to do something
we've never done on a train before.

Oh, a couple of minutes.

Yeah, well, tonight, baby, I'm going to
be your John Henry. I'm going to beat

that machine that's trying to replace
me.

You'll hear it soon. Thank you.

You know, I love trains. It's old
-fashioned and mysterious.

I've always wanted to do this.

Someone on this train is a murderer.

Sit down.

It wasn't funny in the Christmas train
in the mall. It's not funny here.

What do you guys want to do now?

Oh, man.

I'm going to hit the sack. I don't know
what they put in these beers, but I'm

exhausted.

Oh, hey. Whoa, buddy.

Wow.

Hey, you want to go to the observation
car and see if we can meet any nice

single gals?

Sounds good. You know, the best thing
about a train is women can only run so

before they run out of cars.

Right, and you've got to think there's
at least one single woman on this whole

train who'd rather talk to us than leave
to her death.

Well, you're probably wrong, but we have
to try.

You're probably right, so let's play
Yahtzee. Yeah, all right.

Amazing game of chance.

Oh, you look a little sleepy, sir. Let
me show you to your cabin. Yeah, it's

right down here. It's right in here,
sir.

What? What is it?

What?

I knew this was Mimi's cabin.

I'm just going to lay down just for a
minute.

You in here already, Steve?

Ten seconds till the tunnel.

Once again the stall for time players

We'd like to do a simple

game entitled slap -ass leapfrog

I think I might have had sex with Mimi.

Well, it sounds like you were so drunk,
nothing could have happened.

Yeah, yeah, because, you know, even on
my best days, I have trouble getting...

Yeah, I was drunk.

Yeah.

Schnauzer's on my back, you say.

Yeah, yeah, they're a funny breed.

I guess.

Yeah. Yeah, well, mister, you know,
Drew, I think I got some fleas here.

Yeah.

analogy to fleas. I wish you wouldn't
have had to mention fleas. I'm starting

itch all over the place, too.

Blue eyeshadow.

No!

No! No!

I did it! I suffered meaning! That's why
I tried to kill myself! Why did you

save me? Why?

So what'd you guys do?

Well, I read to him and sang to him and
used him to scare the hell out of a

bunch of ex -boyfriends.

One of them's going to start sending me
200 bucks a month.

Oh, yeah.

Sweet con, O 'Brien.

Thanks. When he's old enough to walk,
I'm going to teach him the supermarket

slip and fall.

How was your trip?

Oh, it was pretty amazing. A little bit
of advice, O 'Brien.

If you're ever in a relationship that
gets kind of stale, ride the rail.

Yeah? Yep. He was like a different man
in a sack.

Don't you ever just do it in a bed and
not tell anyone?

If you think that's fun, you should try
it in the caboose.

So, did you have a good time in
Dollywood? No.

It had nothing to do with breath.

I thought they'd have breast rides and
breath food and people walking around

like breath.

It's just a stinking amusement park.

No, it sucks.

We should have gone to Kinko's. Yeah.

We should have gone.

And hung out at Kinko's all day long.

And suckled at Kinko's.

Oh, well, that reminds me. I brought a
little souvenir for the babies.

I went doody.

Each of you come up with an idea for
that very interesting souvenir.

You're so handsome.

Let's get on with the show, Mom.

Thanks. Hey, guys. Oh, hey, man. Hey,
hey, June. Oh, welcome back, pig.

Thanks, Amy.

Okay, listen, I'm just curious. Did you
and Steve ever, you know, do it

on the train?

Oh, well, let me just say thank God it
was pitch dark because I did things to

that man that I am not proud of.

I see.

Close your eye, little fella.
Something's going to hurt for a minute.

I passed out in Mimi's cabin. I'm the
one she had sex with on the train.

What are you talking about?

As soon as Mimi found you passed out in
her cabin, she left.

She did? Yeah, I heard her and Steve did
it in the back in one of the boxcars.

Yeah, where did a bunch of hobos gather
around to warn themselves?

You know how Mimi loves boxcar Willie.

better now? Yeah, I feel a lot better.
Sure.

I have the boxcar willies.

I feel better.

But if I didn't have sex with Mimi, how
did I get all this blue on me? I think I

know. I was walking down the hallway to
look for the restroom, and out of Mimi's

cabin I heard the weirdest noises. Come
with me.

Flashback, montages, musical numbers
that progress the story.

Hey, flashback girl.

Can I go back to my place and lie there
for a half hour while I make excuses?

You know, they say they want honesty,
but they don't want honesty.

you should never touch a whistle you
find on a train.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to
once again present the stall for time

players.

After that applause, you won't have much
time to use all the sentences in this

little bowl. They've been written by the
audience members. Use them in a scene.

Hey, we don't have a lot of time, but I
do want to tell you people at home, it's

not nice to shave your dog in winter.

That's true if he thought we were doing
a good job and I was really kind of

puzzled because he looked me right in
the eye and he said, if smacking your

is a crime, then I am guilty, but God,
I'm guilty.

You know, Mimi is such a flirt. She
walked up to me and said, my dog likes

dig up the plants in the yard.

That made me hot.

Thank God.

Thank God I didn't have sex with Mimi. I
just got molested by three blue guys.

Why did you just stand there? Why didn't
you stop them?

Hey, have you ever tried to get tickets
to the Blue Man Group?

I wanted to see the show that Clive
Barnes of the New York Post called A

Rollicking Good Time.

Can't believe I slept through that whole
thing. I must have put something in my

beer. Wait a second.

I think I remember something.

Really? Yeah.

New beer, sir.

Oh, it was Ratzenberger.

And he probably was the conductor that
told me to go into Mimi's cabin. I knew

that voice sounded familiar. Oh, why
would a former cheer star try to drug

Obviously.

Obviously, he was trying to get me to
kill myself, so he hired the Blue Man

Group to make me think I had sex with
Mimi. It's so simple.

Come on, Drew. Why would he do that?

Because I think that he... Drew, it's
your line.

Have those camera operators always been
blue?

All right. All right. What the hell's
going on here?

Oh, great. They went out into the crowd.
We'll never find him now.

Hey, they dropped this tape.

I hope it's not some kind of weird blue
man porn.

Wait, in the event of Drew Carey's
death, submit to ABC.

Did Mr. Wick give me a hard time at work
today?

And Mimi's makeup is reminiscent of that
of a circus clown.

That bastard's trying to take over my
show. I can't believe it.

You can't do that to me. These are my
people.

This is my family.

Out of my way. There's a star coming
through. Out, out, out.

Move it.

You like your job? You like your job?
Get the hell out of my way. Out of my

Ratzenberger.

I saw the tape. I know what you're
trying to do. You're trying to take over

show. Ah, geez. I'm sorry, Joe. You
know, I was a little desperate.

I mean, it's so hard to get a hit show
on the air nowadays. I just figured I'd

take over yours. What the heck?

That's why I had that episode cooked up
where you kill yourself.

God, you're evil.

You're nothing like the piggy bank in
Toy Story.

Uh,

no, no, I'm not so bad. You know, when
push came to shove, I didn't let you

into the drink.

Look, I'm sorry, Drew. I'll, uh, I'll 86
now.

I guess that's okay. Yeah, thanks for
the bathrobe.

Hey, listen, uh, I was thinking, can you
give me a part on Toy Story 3?

Oh, uh, can you dance the hully gully?

Yeah. Okay.

And mash potatoes.

You're good.

Yeah.

True, you're just letting him go. You're
not going to have him arrested or

anything? I would, except for one thing.

He's my father.

I didn't see that one coming.

Wow,

he's your father?

Didn't see that coming.

You know, I knew that was going to
happen.

I read the script.

Oh, that's not really fair. Come on,
buddy, I'll buy you a beer. Oh, thanks.

Hey, you know, those are the guys that
tried to kill me.

Yeah, Drew, but they spray free beer.
Don't make us choose between you.