Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Ryan Stiles, coming to you live from the broadcast booth of the Drew

Carey Show. And this is our director, Jerry Cohen.

And what you're about to witness is actual live irritation.

I'm not touching the director. I'm not touching the director. I'm not touching

the director. I'm not touching the director.

Don't you like every shot of you from now on to look like this?

I warn you, whatever part of my body you zoom in on, I'll play it.

And now here's the host of our show, Brad Sherwood.

Hi.

That's host talk for hello.

Just to make the show more exciting, occasionally we're going to surprise the

actors with this improv bell.

That means they'll have to come up with a brand new line live right on the spot.

Try it at home.

Not so easy, is it?

That's right, I can see you too, America.

Hey, you in San Francisco, I think you've had enough cake, fatty.

Hey, you in Seattle, enough with the flan.

Well, Ryan, you want to start the show or you want to make up?

Can't we do both? Sure.

Oh, boy. Cue action and design.

Oh, man, I might hung over.

Oh, hey there.

Cliff from Cheers?

Ratzenberger to you there, pal.

Hey, where am I?

Oh, you're in a dog pound in Asheville, Tennessee.

Population 1 .2 million.

Sister city to Lima, Peru.

What am I doing here?

Well, you were about to jump off a bridge, so I handcuffed myself to you to

you.

Oh, great. I'm in a dog pound chained to a celebrity. I'll finally get in the

Enquirer.

Yeah, well, you know, you were really freaking out there, Drew.

Yeah, you just kept shouting, uh, I don't want to live after what I've done.

Oh, my God, what'd I do?

Mommy, Daddy, can we get the one with the glasses?

All this energy calling me Back where it comes from It's such

a crude attitude It's back where it belongs

Thanks for keeping me from jumping off that bridge, John. Yeah, yeah, that's

okay, Drew. Hey, you were really upset.

Helped you polish off a whole bottle of bourbon just to calm you down.

Oh, hey, by the way, Drew, you sleep with your butt in the air.

I was pulling schnauzers off you all night.

Hey, you sleep with your butt in the air.

Yeah, the chihuahuas were using your back as a ski jump.

He asked me not to tell you. Oh.

Well, didn't they see the handcuffs? He knew I was with you.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute, Drew. I think he's trying to tell us something.

What's that, boy?

You think the dog catcher found us, passed out, and brought us in here to

out? Hmm.

Oh, he's thinking about something else. I see that. Yeah. He's one of those...

Thinking breeds.

You know what? I can kind of read his mind. I think he's thinking about dog

dreams or something. It doesn't matter.

Yeah, yeah. Who cares?

Yeah. Hey, listen, Drew. I got to be the hasty retreat here. I'm pitching a show

to a couple of network executives. Really? It's a reality show. Yeah,

they're buying now.

What do you think of this title?

Reality. Do we really need it?

What do you think of this title?

Grapes. Where the heck do they come from?

Yeah, whatever.

Anyway.

I was wondering if I could get your autograph because I'm a big Cheers fan.

sure. Oh, wow.

A train ticket.

You know, this reminds me. I'm remembering something. I was taking a

business trip down here to Nashville.

What we need here is a flashback.

Flashback, dream sequences, fantasies.

I'll take a flashback, please. How far you want to go back, handsome?

About two days to Drew at his office. That'll be ten bucks.

All right. Want to go back ten years, watch me experiment with a girl?

Jerry, can I?

No.

I'll talk to you later.

Flashback. Flashback.

Flashback. Flashback.

You know, when you start bringing your lunch to work on wheels, there's a

problem.

I'm just jealous because you're not going to the business conference down in

Nashville. But hey, you did get a week off to go to your family reunion, or as

it's technically known, the Stampede.

Hey, you guys ready to go? Yeah, man, I can't wait to get to Nashville. I am

going to go straight to Dollywood. He loves Dolly Parton. Yeah.

I'm going to be first in line to ride the areola coaster.

I'm going to be first in line to ride the nipple whip.

It does sound like fun.

But I can't wait to go to the whiskey capital of the world and meet Jack

Daniels. I just want to thank him for giving me the courage to do things I

wouldn't normally do.

Amy, I did it.

I found a babysitter.

Kate's going to take care of King Gus, and I think she'll be wonderful.

Yeah, that's right. I love babies. I mean, I love the way that they walk

the back seat when you drive.

Can't we just leave him with the guy that lives down the street with the

tattooed on his face?

He was busy.

Okay, you're in.

And here's the list of his favorite foods and his feeding times, his

number, and where I can be reached in Nashville.

No.

That's right. Mr. Wick's still on vacation, so I got his ticket.

Oh, and I'm taking Steve because I've never had sex on a train.

You know, that's even more disturbing than when you yell at me.

I know.

Well, while Drew runs off to another set, I would like to introduce Chip,

and Greg, the stall for time player.

Thank you, Brad.

Our first piece is entitled Caffeinated, Decaffeinated.

Jeff?

Decaffeinated.

I'm sorry, no.

Oh, no. You can tell me how long it'll be before we reach the long tunnel,

because we're going to do something we've never done on a train before.

Oh, a couple of minutes.

Yeah, well, tonight, baby, I'm going to be your John Henry. I'm going to beat

that machine that's trying to replace me.

You'll hear it soon. Thank you.

You know, I love trains. It's old -fashioned and mysterious.

I've always wanted to do this.

Someone on this train is a murderer.

Sit down.

It wasn't funny in the Christmas train in the mall. It's not funny here.

What do you guys want to do now?

Oh, man.

I'm going to hit the sack. I don't know what they put in these beers, but I'm

exhausted.

Oh, hey. Whoa, buddy.

Wow.

Hey, you want to go to the observation car and see if we can meet any nice

single gals?

Sounds good. You know, the best thing about a train is women can only run so

before they run out of cars.

Right, and you've got to think there's at least one single woman on this whole

train who'd rather talk to us than leave to her death.

Well, you're probably wrong, but we have to try.

You're probably right, so let's play Yahtzee. Yeah, all right.

Amazing game of chance.

Oh, you look a little sleepy, sir. Let me show you to your cabin. Yeah, it's

right down here. It's right in here, sir.

What? What is it?

What?

I knew this was Mimi's cabin.

I'm just going to lay down just for a minute.

You in here already, Steve?

Ten seconds till the tunnel.

Once again the stall for time players

We'd like to do a simple

game entitled slap -ass leapfrog

I think I might have had sex with Mimi.

Well, it sounds like you were so drunk, nothing could have happened.

Yeah, yeah, because, you know, even on my best days, I have trouble getting...

Yeah, I was drunk.

Yeah.

Schnauzer's on my back, you say.

Yeah, yeah, they're a funny breed.

I guess.

Yeah. Yeah, well, mister, you know, Drew, I think I got some fleas here.

Yeah.

analogy to fleas. I wish you wouldn't have had to mention fleas. I'm starting

itch all over the place, too.

Blue eyeshadow.

No!

No! No!

I did it! I suffered meaning! That's why I tried to kill myself! Why did you

save me? Why?

So what'd you guys do?

Well, I read to him and sang to him and used him to scare the hell out of a

bunch of ex -boyfriends.

One of them's going to start sending me 200 bucks a month.

Oh, yeah.

Sweet con, O 'Brien.

Thanks. When he's old enough to walk, I'm going to teach him the supermarket

slip and fall.

How was your trip?

Oh, it was pretty amazing. A little bit of advice, O 'Brien.

If you're ever in a relationship that gets kind of stale, ride the rail.

Yeah? Yep. He was like a different man in a sack.

Don't you ever just do it in a bed and not tell anyone?

If you think that's fun, you should try it in the caboose.

So, did you have a good time in Dollywood? No.

It had nothing to do with breath.

I thought they'd have breast rides and breath food and people walking around

like breath.

It's just a stinking amusement park.

No, it sucks.

We should have gone to Kinko's. Yeah.

We should have gone.

And hung out at Kinko's all day long.

And suckled at Kinko's.

Oh, well, that reminds me. I brought a little souvenir for the babies.

I went doody.

Each of you come up with an idea for that very interesting souvenir.

You're so handsome.

Let's get on with the show, Mom.

Thanks. Hey, guys. Oh, hey, man. Hey, hey, June. Oh, welcome back, pig.

Thanks, Amy.

Okay, listen, I'm just curious. Did you and Steve ever, you know, do it

on the train?

Oh, well, let me just say thank God it was pitch dark because I did things to

that man that I am not proud of.

I see.

Close your eye, little fella. Something's going to hurt for a minute.

I passed out in Mimi's cabin. I'm the one she had sex with on the train.

What are you talking about?

As soon as Mimi found you passed out in her cabin, she left.

She did? Yeah, I heard her and Steve did it in the back in one of the boxcars.

Yeah, where did a bunch of hobos gather around to warn themselves?

You know how Mimi loves boxcar Willie.

better now? Yeah, I feel a lot better. Sure.

I have the boxcar willies.

I feel better.

But if I didn't have sex with Mimi, how did I get all this blue on me? I think I

know. I was walking down the hallway to look for the restroom, and out of Mimi's

cabin I heard the weirdest noises. Come with me.

Flashback, montages, musical numbers that progress the story.

Hey, flashback girl.

Can I go back to my place and lie there for a half hour while I make excuses?

You know, they say they want honesty, but they don't want honesty.

you should never touch a whistle you find on a train.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to once again present the stall for time

players.

After that applause, you won't have much time to use all the sentences in this

little bowl. They've been written by the audience members. Use them in a scene.

Hey, we don't have a lot of time, but I do want to tell you people at home, it's

not nice to shave your dog in winter.

That's true if he thought we were doing a good job and I was really kind of

puzzled because he looked me right in the eye and he said, if smacking your

is a crime, then I am guilty, but God, I'm guilty.

You know, Mimi is such a flirt. She walked up to me and said, my dog likes

dig up the plants in the yard.

That made me hot.

Thank God.

Thank God I didn't have sex with Mimi. I just got molested by three blue guys.

Why did you just stand there? Why didn't you stop them?

Hey, have you ever tried to get tickets to the Blue Man Group?

I wanted to see the show that Clive Barnes of the New York Post called A

Rollicking Good Time.

Can't believe I slept through that whole thing. I must have put something in my

beer. Wait a second.

I think I remember something.

Really? Yeah.

New beer, sir.

Oh, it was Ratzenberger.

And he probably was the conductor that told me to go into Mimi's cabin. I knew

that voice sounded familiar. Oh, why would a former cheer star try to drug

Obviously.

Obviously, he was trying to get me to kill myself, so he hired the Blue Man

Group to make me think I had sex with Mimi. It's so simple.

Come on, Drew. Why would he do that?

Because I think that he... Drew, it's your line.

Have those camera operators always been blue?

All right. All right. What the hell's going on here?

Oh, great. They went out into the crowd. We'll never find him now.

Hey, they dropped this tape.

I hope it's not some kind of weird blue man porn.

Wait, in the event of Drew Carey's death, submit to ABC.

Did Mr. Wick give me a hard time at work today?

And Mimi's makeup is reminiscent of that of a circus clown.

That bastard's trying to take over my show. I can't believe it.

You can't do that to me. These are my people.

This is my family.

Out of my way. There's a star coming through. Out, out, out.

Move it.

You like your job? You like your job? Get the hell out of my way. Out of my

Ratzenberger.

I saw the tape. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to take over

show. Ah, geez. I'm sorry, Joe. You know, I was a little desperate.

I mean, it's so hard to get a hit show on the air nowadays. I just figured I'd

take over yours. What the heck?

That's why I had that episode cooked up where you kill yourself.

God, you're evil.

You're nothing like the piggy bank in Toy Story.

Uh,

no, no, I'm not so bad. You know, when push came to shove, I didn't let you

into the drink.

Look, I'm sorry, Drew. I'll, uh, I'll 86 now.

I guess that's okay. Yeah, thanks for the bathrobe.

Hey, listen, uh, I was thinking, can you give me a part on Toy Story 3?

Oh, uh, can you dance the hully gully?

Yeah. Okay.

And mash potatoes.

You're good.

Yeah.

True, you're just letting him go. You're not going to have him arrested or

anything? I would, except for one thing.

He's my father.

I didn't see that one coming.

Wow,

he's your father?

Didn't see that coming.

You know, I knew that was going to happen.

I read the script.

Oh, that's not really fair. Come on, buddy, I'll buy you a beer. Oh, thanks.

Hey, you know, those are the guys that tried to kill me.

Yeah, Drew, but they spray free beer. Don't make us choose between you.