Original subtitles

Check it out. Look what we got.

Come here, boy.

Oh, did you get a dog?

Better.

A lot cuter than some of the girls you brought over here.

Hardy har har. No, it's our battle bot.

Yeah, we built it to fight in the competition at the Warsaw.

Aren't you afraid it's going to outsmart you and make you slaves?

Through its head as a toaster.

I repeat.

Okay, laugh if you want, but if this baby wins, we get a thousand bucks to

into our new house. That's right. It's a lot more expensive to build the house

than we thought, even when you're doing it yourself.

Well, if you need extra money, why don't you just get second jobs or something?

Oh, we could.

But could a second job do this?

See the spider on the table?

I think we've earned ourselves some cookie dough. No, no, that's for my

They're coming to visit me for a couple of weeks.

Oh, two weeks.

Sorry, man. What a hassle.

No, it's great. I mean, it's all cake mix and cookie dough and stuff. I'm

looking forward to my mom baking all of it for me.

You know, between the insane asylum and the bigamy, it's been kind of a rough

patch.

I like having the folks around. You know, it kind of reminds me of the good

days.

Stealing lumber with your dad at midnight.

Faking a fit at the 7 -Eleven while your mom shoves bologna down her bra.

Hey. Hey, Kate.

What do you think of our new robot?

Wow. Talk about a chick magnet.

Hey, Kate.

Glad you came over.

So, you still mad about her breakup?

Yeah, I was pretty upset after what you did to me.

But I found a way to channel my anger. I'm taking yoga classes.

Oh, good.

Yeah. Look what I can do now.

she's just trying to punish you Drew be strong I also learned this

grandchild would have come out of.

Oh, Drew.

Oh, Oswald. It's so good to see you.

And Lewis.

There you are.

Oh,

look, there's a spider in your kneecap.

What the hell is this?

It's our new robot. We built it.

Really? I think you should take another look at the picture on the box.

Oh, Kate, we were so sorry to hear that Drew married you and that other poor

girl. But since he's our son, we're telling everybody that you cheated on

Yeah, if you ever come to Florida, you remember, you're the cheater.

Oh, so they think I'm a slut in Florida?

So what? I've been known as a slut in Florida since spring break 1981.

Ha!

I have a lot of plans.

I was hoping that you could bake me some cookies while Dad and I shot some pool.

Well, we'd love to, dear, but we were thinking about doing something a little

different this time.

Let's go, Mom and Dad. We got a lot to do.

What's going on?

Oh, no, honey, I hope you don't mind, but just this once, we were planning on

staying with Steve and Mimi.

You don't have a problem with this, do you, son? No, I'm fine.

Fine. Oh, great. Cookie dough. Now I don't have to go to the store.

Oh, we're going to the zoo all day tomorrow.

Oh, that's good. Your parents are finally going to meet my parents.

Leave your sister -in -law alone.

We'll see you on Thursday.

Actually, we're going to take little Gus to his first brewery.

Just stay by the phone. We'll call.

We'll call.

I can't believe this.

My parents would rather stick with Mimi than me?

It's not as nice as a hug from my mom, but it'll do.

We're not controlling it, Drew.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

One of these days takes me about an hour to get ready.

I've got 11 different things I've got to do with my teeth.

Oh, it's so nice to have the whole family together.

Yeah, but all but Drew. I can't believe that he didn't show up.

Mimi, are you sure that you called him?

Oh, yeah, I clearly told him where to be at 8 o 'clock.

Mind if I join you?

Actually, I'm waiting for my mom.

In the next hour, couples drink free.

I'm Drew. Good to see you.

Well, you know Drew. He's probably off with the boys.

I'm going to bed, Mom.

Oh, Stephen.

Good night.

We'll see you later.

Take your mom hat off for one minute and admit it. That boy's got a great butt.

You say just whatever's on your mind.

Sometimes I envy that.

Oh, Mom, leave that.

You sure?

Oh, yeah, you can get it later.

Okay, what do you want to watch?

Tenet.

Gardening.

Oops, that's a naughty channel. Turn that off.

That's okay, Mimi. You know, last night, I couldn't sleep. I came down here. I

watched that exact same movie.

Really? Yes.

She gets the job.

I can't believe you watched a dirty movie.

Way to go, Mom!

Well, you know, we don't get that channel at home, and I was kind of

Although, I must say, the acting was a little over the top.

Well, you know, they're not professional actors. They're mostly strippers and

runaways.

No, I didn't mean that. I meant that, you know, in real life, there's no

for a woman to scream and thrash around like that.

You're telling me you never had a reason?

No.

I shouldn't complain. George has been a wonderful provider. He's put a roof over

my head, and I've been staring silently at it for 45 years.

Beulah, you know what you got to do?

You got to tell George, if he don't blow the whistle, he don't ride the train.

a little passion in their life.

Hey, hey, hey.

It was just for the drinks.

There is no weed, Kevin.

No, I would have gone over to Mimi's house and killed her for sending me that

place if it hadn't been two -for -one apple martini night.

Hey, guys.

We have perfected the ultimate killing machine.

Nothing on earth can stop this juggernaut from hell.

So, what do you want to try?

I've always hated the hat rack in the living room.

Actually, it can't go over a rug.

But, watch what it does to this banana.

Now we know it's a boy.

I told you we should have used the spinning saw.

No, no, the death hammer will work. We just need to weight it differently.

I love it. I wouldn't change a thing. It's a little something for the ladies.

Hey, Dad.

This is the suitcase.

Your mother and I are through.

Lord knows she's always been hell to live with, but this time she went too

Well, I left her.

And I'm coming home to die.

My God, what happened? None of your damn business.

And now, I'm going to go soak in the tub for an hour.

Loosen things up.

And then I need you to go at me with the loofah.

You know, I wouldn't mind so much, but he always fights it.

Hey, pig.

Hey, I wanted to talk to you. What did you say to my mom?

Oh, I don't think you want to know.

Oh, yeah, I want to know.

I don't think you do.

Look, my dad left my mom, and now he won't talk about it until you damn well

better tell me what she said.

Your mom's upset because she's never climaxed.

she's never climaxed a thing?

That's right. She's not happy and you're going to have to talk to your dad about

pleasing her. Oh, I don't want to hear it.

Well, you're going to have to hear it.

Now, I talked to your mom.

You being an adult about this and go teach your dad your mom's launch code.

Man,

I could use an appletini right now.

Your parents love each other.

If you want to save their marriage, just help me out here. Well, help them out.

All right, I'll do it. I'll talk to my dad.

Good.

It won't be so bad. I'll just casually bring it up tonight while I'm bathing

him.

Hey, bro.

Thanks for the invite.

Rash did pretty good today.

Yeah. Hey, listen, I thought we'd watch the game a little bit, then at halftime,

instead of tossing the ball around, we could teach Dad how to get Mom off.

Excuse me?

That's why they're fighting.

He's not, uh, you know.

True, it's just a fight. I mean, they'll work it out. I don't want to talk about

this.

We have to talk about this. Dad isn't making Mom happy in bed.

Well, I am not going to talk to Dad about how to make love to our mom.

Look what you made me say.

Mom, you have sex with Mimi. You already have a taste for the macabre.

Knock it off.

Besides, if anybody should talk to him about it, it's you. I mean, you're more

familiar with Mom's private parts.

What kind of comment is that?

Well, you're younger. You were the last one out.

We'll both talk to him about it.

Oh, boys, you're ready for the big game.

Yeah. It's going to be a good one. Yeah.

Let's do it. You think the Browns got a shot this year? Yeah, if they stay

healthy.

Yeah, I hope they don't get shut out. You know, it's a shame when both teams

play a game and one team doesn't get a chance to score.

That's right.

And then one of the teams has to roll over and go to sleep crying.

I hate that.

Your boys never were too good at the sports patter, were you?

But I'm willing to work at it until my sports patter satisfies you.

Oh, jeez. All right, I see where this is going.

Oh, boy, I suppose you guys want me to give you orgasms, too, huh?

Glad we didn't do this in a restaurant.

Look,

Dad, we know this is a sensitive topic, but Mom isn't happy and we just want to

help you work these things out. You can't help because what she's asking for

impossible.

Everybody knows women don't really have.

What? The female orgasm is a myth.

Like the unicorn.

Yeah.

Look, Dad, I know you come from a time when all that matters is what the men

want. But we live in a different time now.

All right.

Now you listen to me, boy. You listen to me good.

I spent three years in Korea torching commies out of caves.

I raised two boys.

I worked 40 years at a job I hated.

I'm tired.

I just want to lay there and get mine.

Well, who doesn't want to do that?

How about mom getting hers? I mean, after all these years of marriage, don't

think you could talk to her and find out what it takes to make her happy?

I'm not Don Juan. I'm an old man.

You can do it, Dad. Maybe we can help.

Great. The two playboys in the Western world are going to tell me how to please

a woman.

You know what?

Maybe we know a little bit more about this stuff than you might think.

Now, listen.

Now, pretend that this potato...

Pretend this is Mom's...

Mom's area.

A potato.

They must be having the talk.

Look, maybe you guys could come back a little later.

With all due respect, I hardly think a potato can convey the subtleties and

nuances of human sexuality.

On the other hand, Ultra Death and Murder Saw just might be what the doctor

ordered.

Okay, Mr.

Carey, that's you, and this is Mrs. T, and you're coming at us.

and tell her parts fly all over the room.

Hey, Kate.

You see my dad? I've been looking for him all day.

I was going to give him my Better Sex Over 60 video.

Your Better Sex Over 60 video?

I didn't buy it. I just rented it and never returned it.

Yeah, excuse me. Someone's robot is having sex with my foot.

Attention, losers.

I'm going to be unavailable for gawking in the next few minutes because I'm

going to go to the ladies' room and find myself a proper lesbian mate, okay?

Hey, me.

I've been worried about you. Where have you been? Good to see you, son, of

course, but your mom and I are heading back to Florida a little early.

Oh, you finally worked out your problems with her, huh? Yeah, you were right. I

couldn't throw 45 years of marriage down the drain, so...

I asked your mom what she wanted.

I did it.

It took me, and I'm not exaggerating, ten minutes.

Well, Drew, it was wonderful to see you.

Come on, honey. Yeah, babe. Let's get going.

Bye, Mom.

See you, kid. We'll see you at Christmas.

No surprises.

Don't come barging in. Call first.

Check it out. We took the wreckage from Ultra Death and Murder Thaw and combined

them into one devastating death machine.

Attention, geeks! Behold your doom!

Terror has a name, and it is... Lloyd!

Um,

excuse me.

But my robot can kick Lloyd's butt.

Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on!

Okay, you ready?

Three, two, one.

Let's see what the judges say. It could go either way. Okay.

There he is.

Hey.

You should have told us.

You don't have to be ashamed.

Be proud of who you are.