Original subtitles

Hey, Drew.

We know you're kind of feeling bad about the breakup of your two marriages.

Yeah, so we decided to do something to cheer you up.

Oh, that's okay. I'm not really in the mood for pedicure right now.

This is better. We've upgraded our regular friendship services to our new

special, very new friendship platinum.

That's right. It includes sincere hugs and appreciative laughter at your worst

jokes.

What are you talking about? I tell good jokes.

Damn right you do.

Oh, man,

is that tooth still bothering you? You should really have that looked at. Hey,

know the script dentist you can go to.

His gloves are cherry flavored and his waiting room is filled with old used

porn.

That's crazy. I'm not going to a porno dentist.

I've got a coupon.

Hey, we're building a house. We can't afford to waste money on tea.

Hey, what's with all the college catalogs, Drew? Well, now that I don't

Kate and Nicky anymore, I figured I'd take some classes.

Yeah, I wanted to do something meaningful with my time instead of just

it.

Good evening, everybody.

I'm Professor Henderson.

Good evening, Professor Henderson.

All this energy calling me back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland

Living in sin with a safety pin.

What happened to Mr. Wick? He didn't get fired, did he?

Nah, the store's been sold again. The new owner's taken over Wick's office, so

he's sticking him out here with everybody else.

Wick doesn't stand a chance.

He'll take a shank in the yard the first day.

Hello, everyone!

Hello! I've got kisses for all my friends!

Please, do you think that's going to turn everybody around after the way you

treated them? Who do you love?

see what it says about our new owner.

Not interested, Gary?

No, my work isn't my whole world anymore.

I don't want to end up some sad, pathetic loser whose work is his whole

Isn't that right, Terry?

Yes, it is, Daddy.

Okay, here's the scoop on the new boss.

Roger Newsome, self -made millionaire.

He's got a zoo in his backyard.

Oh, he likes to watch his employees huddled around a computer as they read

him so he can make a dramatic entrance from behind a cubicle wall. What the

is that?

Hello, everybody.

Oh, yeah.

Hello.

Wasn't that fun? I love having fun at work. Actually, I can have fun anywhere

because I'm rich.

Mr.

Newsome, welcome to Winfred Lauda. I'm Nigel Wick.

Here's the keys to my office.

I'm European, so the pressure on the B -Day is set extremely high.

Actually, I would rather be out here with the workers, but if you really want

lock yourself away in your ivory...

Hi, Mr. Nissen. I'm Drew Carey. It's a pleasure to meet you. Are you sure you

don't want it in your own private office? No, no, no. I'm comfortable

in a cubicle. It's where I spent the first 15 years of my career as the

assistant human resources director of Penny's.

Wow.

That sounds just like my life. Hey, did you read a whole pie in a shed?

What boy didn't?

I wouldn't get too close to this one, sir.

Oh, look. I've uncovered a very disturbing hobby.

Is this yours, Drew?

Yeah, it's just a hobby. I mean, I always wanted to do something to make

happy, so it was either ventriloquism or stripping.

What'd that tell you?

He's a loser.

Did she just call us losers?

I don't believe it. You're into computers? You like ventriloquism?

Wow, if you had cookie dough in your briefcase, I'd have to ask you to marry

Yeah, I'm telling you, if there's anything you need to get settled in

just let me know, okay?

You know, actually, Drew, every Halloween I throw a charity event to

for the children's hospital.

Now, this year, you know, I got my hands full with this place.

So I would take it as a personal favor if you would come up with some

fundraising ideas for me.

Maybe we can have, you know, a haunted house.

Well, that's the lamest idea.

I love it.

And you are?

Oh, Mimi Bobet Carey. I'm manager of the Winford Louder Woman's Store.

Oh, good.

I want to talk to you. Oh. You know, that store is losing money.

And if you don't turn it around, I'm going to have to make some changes in

management.

And on a personal note, could you leave some makeup for the store to sell?

You know, I like the way you think, Drew.

As a matter of fact, I would like to hear a lot more of your ideas. So, have

thought about where we can get a house?

You mean for you and me, sir? No, for the haunted house.

Excuse

me.

I'll be back.

I'm looking for the International Council of Dental Hygiene.

I have a coupon?

Yes, this is it.

Please, come in, come in, come in.

Hi, I'm Dr. Kritik. Oh, why on a boat?

Oh, well, I have a dental degree from Russia, but I don't have working papers

America yet, so until I do, I have to practice in Canadian waters.

Have a seat.

Oh, thank you.

Wait, wait, wait. You're really going to go through with this? Hey.

This thing's killing me, all right? Besides, don't judge a book by its

huh? Did we run out of that restaurant when that rat had its babies in the

bar? Right,

we went and had one of the best meals of our lives, huh?

And we got a pet, huh?

All right, Doc, strap me in.

Okay.

It's time we set sail on Lake...

into tongue.

You would be screaming really loud if I had not paralyzed voice box.

Okay. Third time is charm.

Lake

is

a little choppy today.

Too dangerous to use needle.

I will vaporize tooth with homemade milk!

It is very safe, plus makes pretty light.

Oh, no, it's all right. It will be stiff walking for a couple days.

All right. Now this laser beam, very dangerous.

On three, we both close eyes.

Oh, it's not a costume. The dentist screwed up, so he won't be able to walk,

talk, or see normally for the next couple of days.

Here's something to make you feel better.

Chetney? Chetney? Chetney?

Anyway, thanks for helping out with the house. What are you going to come as

tonight, Oswald? I'm going to come as a zombie, but Lewis can't make up his

mind. What do you think?

I think it should be, um...

Groucho Marx?

Or do you think he should come as Cher?

Hey, I have an idea, and you only have to use a costume. Why don't you just

as Frankenstein?

Place looks great.

Thanks. You know, Mr. Newsom's the one we really have to impress. He's going to

be here any minute.

What are you dressed as? I'm a Florida tourist.

Kate. Hi. How you doing?

I wasn't going to come to your party after the way you screwed me over.

But it is for charity. And I did think of the perfect costume.

Guess who I am.

Kate O 'Brien.

Yep.

Hey, hey.

She came to my party.

Yeah,

they rented out the zombie costume they promised me, so I yelled at them

until they gave me this.

The last mushroom they had.

I even tricked him into giving me a discount. For once, I'm thinking with

Oh, hey, good for you, Lewis. You decided to come as Frankenstein after

No, no, no. It's Don Johnson from Miami Vice.

See the rolled up sleeves?

No. Oh, for crying out loud, Lewis, you're...

You're Frankenstein.

Thanks

a

lot, Drew. Now I have to go out into the night and find him.

Hey, Mr.

Newsome. Great costume.

Turtle, huh?

Scariest animal that carries his house on his back.

You know, I think it's almost impossible to kiss my ass through a show, but by

golly, I think you found a way.

No, no, seriously, Drew, I am so proud of you. You have done a wonderful job

here tonight. As a matter of fact, you've done a great job in everything.

Tomorrow, I am telling the board to implement your health plan. As a matter

fact, all of your plans.

Really? Oh, yeah. And you know what else I'm going to tell them?

I'm going to tell him that I want you to take over managing the store for Mr.

Bidet. I mean, Mr. Wick.

That... That is the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me.

Sorry, I got a little sad in my happy.

You know, we're going to be a great team running that store.

Now, I would like to see the rest of your haunted house.

Oh, you're going to love it. I got all kinds of surprises all over the place.

Come on, I'll show you.

Sir? Oh, my God, no!

Drew, we've got big problems.

Yeah, I know.

I'm beginning to think this isn't a mushroom costume.

Sir, I'm sorry. We did everything we could for him.

The number of the coroner? He'll come pick up the body.

Thanks.

I can't believe it. He was such a nice guy.

If this were a scary movie, this would be the part where he comes back alive

kills us all.

Let's get the hell out of here.

I cannot believe that you guys are afraid of a dead body.

Ah! He's trying to kill me!

I can't believe this. You know, he was the only owner that went for the lot of

her head or ever gave a damn about the place. You know what makes it worse?

Right before he died, he said he was going to promote me to manage the store.

Wow, that's some responsibility, fulfilling a final request.

Yeah. That's why I don't let anybody dying tell me nothing.

I remember when my grandmother was on her deathbed, she whispered, Come here,

honey. I took three steps back and said, No way, Nana.

No one's going to believe me anyway. I mean, nobody heard him promote me.

They're going to think I just made the whole thing up.

Too bad Mr. Newsome couldn't have hung on until that board meeting tomorrow.

Yeah. Then he could have told everybody what he wanted himself.

Maybe.

He still cares.

Oh, guys, this is kind of creepy.

Oh, come on, Drew.

Remember your boss's last words? Take care of the store for me.

Good luck,

Drew. And remember, if you start off with a joke, people forget you have a

guy on your lap.

Everybody sit at the end of the table. He has a bad cold. He doesn't want

anybody catching it.

Hello, Mr.

Newsome.

Carrie?

Well, nobody else is going to say it. I will. Why are you sitting on Carrie's

lap?

Uh -huh. Okay.

I'm going to do a lot of talking for Mr. Newsome today because he has a terrible

cold. Get to the lap. Why is he sitting on your lap?

Well, he has the chills and he's sitting on my lap to keep warm.

You know, in Amsterdam, this is quite common.

I agree. Let's get down to business.

Thank you, everybody.

I'm going to keep this short because I can't talk very long.

You're officially fired as manager at a loan store.

What?

Newsom, you're going to pay for this. Who can run that store as good as me?

I don't know.

How about a monkey?

He said monkey. M's are hard to say when you have a cold.

Thank you, Drew.

I now would like to talk about instituting a new health plan.

What did he say?

I don't know. I thought he said, toot, toot, toot, I want a healthy plan.

Here, here, here, a healthy plan.

He said health plan. He wants a new employee health plan. All the paperwork

right here.

I would now like to discuss the leadership of the store.

All right, now I heard that, the leadership of the store.

Uh, this concerns you, Drew.

Me, sir?

Me, sir.

Me, sir.

Quit talking like a numpty.

I will now drink a

glass of water while Mr. Newsome speaks.

You know,

you went wrong. You got too cocky. Shut up.

Attention, everybody.

I've been demoted from manager of the woman's store.

I am now Mr. Wick's assistant. again.

I could be angry, but I'm not, because I'm drunk.

No, you have the wrong extension.

Please let me transfer you to accounting.

Mimi, I know you're drunk, but I hope you still remember this in the morning.

You little...

See how tough you are without a hand up your butt.

Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape.

Holy crap!

Ever see a wooden tongue?