All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s07e06 Bus-ted

Well, I'm off for a romantic evening
with my precious angel. Wow, flowers and

candy. She must be something special.

Yes, Carrie, I dare say she's the one.
You know, she's so innocent she won't

even let me kiss her on the mouth.

Oh, by the way, could you give me a
fresh twenty for this? She likes crisp

bills.

So, you have to pay her and she won't
let you kiss her.

Did you ever get the idea that she might
be, you know, kind of a professional?

She's not a prostitute, if that's what
you're getting at.

She's an actress who's researching the
role of a prostitute for going on 14

years.

So, let's see, does she have a very
strict acting coach with a velvet suit

beats her with a pipe every once in a
while?

Yes. Yes.

Except he was killed when another acting
coach moved in and took over her class.

You're a big howdy for me.

Will do.

Jeez. A perfectly doable guy like that's
got to buy a hooker. And a crap sack

like you gets two wives.

These are the latter days, people.

Get right with the Lord.

Want to keep it down? I want everybody
to know. Too late.

Extra, extra. Read all about it. Drew
Carey is impotent bisexual bigamist.

Mimi, haven't you done enough to me
already?

I'd like to claim credit, but this one
was by someone who hates you more than

me.

Ex -wife Nikki Pfeiffer said the fact
that he didn't want to have sex with me

made sense when I learned he was also
married to his boss, Nigel Wick.

Well, this sucks.

I didn't have sex with him because I
felt guilty, and I only married Mr. Wick

because I could get his green card.

Well, maybe they explain it on the
inside.

See, flaccid gay liar, page 12.

Hello, Steven.

Hello, Mimi.

You're looking... not at all bad.

King Gus and I had a wonderful weekend.
He's officially tired of everyone poops.

Where's my handsome little man?

Oh, give him all my sugar.

Wow, that baby eats more makeup than a
lab rat.

Steve, I miss you. I want you to come
home.

I can't. Not until you've shown Drew
that you're really sorry for putting him

that mental institution.

All right. I'll swallow my pride.

I'm sorry my little pranks drove you
into the loony bin.

I also apologize for crushing your
frilly pink eggshell of a psyche.

Okay, Steve, let's go. That wasn't very
convincing. I'm not wearing any panties.

Sounds pretty good to me, Drew.

No, it's not good enough.

Well, what do you want?

First of all, put some panties on.

Second of all, put another pair of
panties on.

Third, I'm not going to be satisfied
until the whole world knows how sorry

you are.

Well, how am I supposed to do that?

I don't know. It's your problem.

Sorry. No, baby.

Forgive me, please.

Forgive me, please. Forgive

me, please. Forgive me, please. Forgive
me, please.

I'm

so

sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'll answer you.

Forgive me now.

Forgive me now.

You are...

Thank

you. Was that so hard?

All this energy calling me, back where
it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude,

it's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson
lips go Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland

Living in sin with a safety pin, go
Cleveland Rocks.

I'm thinking of a number between one and
ten thousand.

Six. Oh.

Two hundred forty.

Oh.

I got it. Four thousand.

Six hundred.

Eighty.

Seven.

Oh.

I hate this game. It's stupid.

Well, what else are we going to do?
Without Kate, we've got nothing smart to

talk about. That's not true.

Okay, close your eyes and guess what
part of me you're smelling.

Christmas game in October?

Why not?

What are you guys doing? It's not
Christmas.

Christmas? Isn't the infinite bisexual
bigamist?

You saw the paper, huh? No, I watched
the local news. The wacky weathercaster

said your two wives will be getting zero
inches this weekend.

Is that a good deluxe?

Well, turns out, since I'm already
married to Mr. Wick, the only two

never counted.

Makes you think, huh?

Maybe you and Mr. Wick are just meant to
be.

Tell that to his hooker.

Well, maybe he wouldn't be going to
hookers if he was getting what he needed

home.

I just can't believe how badly I blew it
with Kate. You know, she just hates me.

Hey, there she is.

Who's this guy she's with? Oh, my God,
those aren't guys. They're baseball

players. That's Jay Johnstone and Bobby
Bonds.

And that's that sports guy from News
Channel 5.

That's right, Ron Higgins.

Look how thick his hair is. No wonder
he's such a great sportscaster.

What's she doing with them?

Well, this just in. Ron Higgins' tongue.

God, she's dating a celebrity.

True. She was just married to you two
weeks ago. She's obviously doing this to

punish you.

Um, Kate's hanging out with famous
people.

Do you think we picked the wrong friend
to side with?

I don't care who the hell that guy is.
I'm gonna go give him a piece of my

Hey, I got two things to say.

You, I miss you.

And you, I saw you at the mall on HGTV.

Nice ear hair.

Guys,

this is my ex -husband, Drew.

How you doing? Wow.

I guess you really don't have a type.

Listen, me and my friends were just
sitting over there. You guys want to

us? Hey, big guy, just being near us
won't make you better.

That was a good one. You really are the
clown prince of baseball.

Actually, we're just here for a few
minutes. Then we're going to Shivers.

Oh, yeah, that new club.

I was there for the pre -opening when it
was still the supplantation.

There, for the grace of God, go I.

Well, how'd it go?

They won't hang out with us. Our
favorite supplantation is closed.

My face of Drew who lost her.

She's got new friends and a new life.

No, I can live without her not being my
wife, but I can't live without her not

being my friend.

Yeah, I gotta go.

Oswald, what do we owe him the bill?

Well, if we split it three ways, it's $3
.95.

Must you make these revolting, smacking
noises?

There's worse noises coming.

Please, God, don't let me hear a zipper.

This is taking all the fun out of my
carpool.

Besides, Steve doesn't even work at the
store. Hey.

We've been apart for a long time. I want
to be with my Mimi as much as I can.

Yeah, besides, you're just jealous
because you can't get any.

Actually, I am getting some.

Someone's hand is under my bottom right
now.

Sorry.

Can we please talk about something else?
Anything.

Yes, good idea.

Sports.

We'll talk about sports. My hair isn't
thick and beautiful enough to talk about

sports.

Is that the rule here?

My God, they say England is a class
system.

Sorry, it's just I keep digging that
sportscaster around here. It's driving

crazy. I may be from England, but
certain things are universal.

If you want to win a woman back, first
take her out for a nice skirling.

Then buy her a set of cankles and gunt.

Then finish off the evening with a nice
sweet poppy.

Making those words up, aren't you, sir?

Would you prefer listening to that
terrible sucking sound coming from the

seat?

It's like wet dog food plopping out of
the can.

Drew, if you want to get a woman to
forgive you, buy her a trinket for her

And everybody likes calendars,
especially calendars with cats on them.

think that's going to work, Nora.

I know it won't, but every time Kate
gets a cat calendar, she gives it to me.

And Professor Caddington likes to cross
off the days with a paw print.

You do know Professor Cattington will
eat your eyes when you die alone, don't

you?

I try not to think about it.

If you don't want to wind up like
Eleanor Rigby here, you better win Kate

with a grand gesture.

I know, but how do you apologize to
someone when they don't want to talk to

You make sure Pete's going to take the
bus today, right?

Yep. I don't think she'll be taking her
car without this.

What is that, anyway?

I don't know.

That's the great thing about being a
vandal. You don't have to know.

Well, the good news is, if she misses
this bus, there's five more driving

with the same sign on. Well, how could
you afford that?

Half -size ads, twice as many signs.

Hey, here she comes. Act nonchalant.

You know what nonchalant means, do you?

Yeah.

Means you got no chill on.

What are you guys doing here?

Uh, we just came down here to watch the
buses, right guys?

Right, right. Oh, I forgot my
binoculars.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here comes the bus now. Let's see what
this one has to say this morning.

You took out an ad saying I beat up
kids?

No, no, see, this is supposed to be a
scene of me begging for forgiveness.

I didn't know it was going to be next to
that.

Drew, this bus goes right by my mom's
house.

The other five don't.

What? Oh, my God, it's the child beater.

Listen, this woman has never hurt a
child in her life.

Hey, aren't you the imminent bisexual
bigamist?

I thought I recognized him.

Listen, Kate, just remember, I loved you
before you were fins.

Look at this.

I got it off the side of one of the
buses.

It's the first crime I ever committed.

It's a rush.

Better grab his ankles, he's floating
away.

Well, I just got off the phone with the
city to get him to take the signs down

early. Oh, what'd they say?

Well, I pressed one for English, got put
on hold for 45 minutes, and a robot

voice told me you're next, and then they
hung up on me.

Sorry, Drew.

But here's one you don't have to worry
about.

Anybody else get any?

No, we didn't even try.

Admit it, Drew, you pushed her too far
this time. She's never going to be our

friend after this.

Right. We kind of figured our time would
be better spent just looking for a new

Kate.

What are you talking about?

Drew, we love Kate, but everybody can be
replaced.

I mean, Oswald was just a replacement
for Adam.

Remember Adam?

Of course I remember Adam.

Dear, sweet, wonderful Adam.

Who's Adam?

Just a moon -faced little kid who
thought the ice was thick enough to

Before he went, he recommended you,
Oswald.

It's okay, Oswald.

You're here and Adam isn't.

I hope it makes sense to the Lord
because it sure as hell doesn't make any

to me.

Hey, Kate.

Over here. Hey, Oswald.

Hey, Kate.

This is Drew.

Hey, Drew.

Made me so bright in your ass at work.

Yeah, I guess she is.

I see, so you just got someone named
Kate and fed her a bunch of information?

Oh, no, her name's not Kate, it's Judy.

But she's new in town, she doesn't have
any friends, so we can pretty much call

her anything we want. Right, Kate?

I don't care what you call me, it's just
good to be out of that cult.

Ask her anything, Drew. Ask her about
when you two first met.

Oh, first day of first grade, I showed
you my underpants for a juice box.

All right, I got one for you.

Which one of us haven't you slept with?

We didn't go over that, but I'm going to
go with him.

Wow, she's good.

Wouldn't it have been just as easy to
find someone new and then eventually

to appreciate her for who she is?

We're in our 40s, Drew. We don't have
that kind of time.

Nice going, idiot.

Thanks to your stupid ad, Ron dubbed me.

Apparently, the station doesn't like
their newscasters hanging out with the

Cleveland baby beater.

Kate, who are you?

I'm Kate O 'Brien.

I'm attractive and always thought that
that would be enough.

What the hell does that mean?

Who's that bimbo?

Hey, nobody calls Kate O 'Brien a bimbo.
I'd have to kick your ass. Oh, you want

a piece of me? Why not? Everyone else
has.

I'm stupid.

Like watching a chicken peck itself in
the mirror.

Kate, relax.

I will not relax. I have had it with
you, Drew. I've had it with all of you.

totally humiliated me. And you two just
stood by and watched. You just stay

away, okay?

And you, if you're going to pretend to
be me, I'd hit the gym and bleach those

teeth.

I'm sorry, Drew. I just don't know what
to say.

Adam would have known.

Shoot this way so we can see the crowd
and

we can catch the highlights of my hair.

Ron, it's us, Keith's friends.

I don't want to talk to you guys. I'm
going live in one minute.

Wow, look how shiny and clean his scalp
is.

Look, this will only take a second. I
need you to get back with Kate.

I'm on TV.

I can't be seen hanging out with her.

Look, the last thing I want is for Kate
to be with another guy, but I want her

to be happy.

And trust me, she's never hit a kid in
her life.

Look, I can't talk right now. I'm going
live in two seconds.

Don't worry, Drew. We'll get him to talk
to you.

Hi, Ron Higgins, News Channel 5 Sports.

We're here live at the Game Awards.

Spirits are high here at the stadium.

It's a beautiful night and fans are on
course for what should prove to be a

great game.

Despite the fact I'm two games behind
the division leaders, Cleveland feels

confident that Jacob's back in the
lineup.

Back up to you, the people.

Well, that certainly was embarrassing.

Hey, look, it's the infinite bisexual
bigamist.

Hey, the heart wants what the heart
wants, okay?

Here's the stuff you wanted from my
house.

What's so urgent about two frozen pizzas
and a loofah?

Well, I was kind of hungry and my skin's
been pretty rough lately.

I'm lying. My skin hasn't been rough
lately. If you don't want your stuff,

is it that you want?

I've got something for you. Ron, Kate's
here.

Hey, Kate.

Ron, what are you doing here?

I want to get back together.

Isn't it great?

I went down to the ballpark and talked
to him into getting back with you.

I know this isn't exactly even the
score, but I think I'm only a few runs

to use some jargon from Ron's world.

Is this your idea of staying out of my
life? Who the hell said I wanted to get

back with this spineless jerk anyway?

Whoa, that kind of hurt.

I'm sorry, man.

This is killing me.

I'll never get another woman again.

Just kidding. I mean, look at me.

How many times do I have to tell you?
Stay out of my life. I don't want to see

you anymore.

I don't accept that. You can say it all
you want because I won't accept it.

Okay, just tell me what you want to hear
and I'll say it. Or tell me what you

want to do and I'll do it. Anything to
make you feel better.

After what you did, there's nothing that
you can do to make this better.

I just thought of something.

What?

Glad to see you got that out of your
system.

Ain't feel better?

A little.

Not dead yet, Professor Caddington?