Original subtitles

Well, I'm off for a romantic evening with my precious angel. Wow, flowers and

candy. She must be something special.

Yes, Carrie, I dare say she's the one. You know, she's so innocent she won't

even let me kiss her on the mouth.

Oh, by the way, could you give me a fresh twenty for this? She likes crisp

bills.

So, you have to pay her and she won't let you kiss her.

Did you ever get the idea that she might be, you know, kind of a professional?

She's not a prostitute, if that's what you're getting at.

She's an actress who's researching the role of a prostitute for going on 14

years.

So, let's see, does she have a very strict acting coach with a velvet suit

beats her with a pipe every once in a while?

Yes. Yes.

Except he was killed when another acting coach moved in and took over her class.

You're a big howdy for me.

Will do.

Jeez. A perfectly doable guy like that's got to buy a hooker. And a crap sack

like you gets two wives.

These are the latter days, people.

Get right with the Lord.

Want to keep it down? I want everybody to know. Too late.

Extra, extra. Read all about it. Drew Carey is impotent bisexual bigamist.

Mimi, haven't you done enough to me already?

I'd like to claim credit, but this one was by someone who hates you more than

me.

Ex -wife Nikki Pfeiffer said the fact that he didn't want to have sex with me

made sense when I learned he was also married to his boss, Nigel Wick.

Well, this sucks.

I didn't have sex with him because I felt guilty, and I only married Mr. Wick

because I could get his green card.

Well, maybe they explain it on the inside.

See, flaccid gay liar, page 12.

Hello, Steven.

Hello, Mimi.

You're looking... not at all bad.

King Gus and I had a wonderful weekend. He's officially tired of everyone poops.

Where's my handsome little man?

Oh, give him all my sugar.

Wow, that baby eats more makeup than a lab rat.

Steve, I miss you. I want you to come home.

I can't. Not until you've shown Drew that you're really sorry for putting him

that mental institution.

All right. I'll swallow my pride.

I'm sorry my little pranks drove you into the loony bin.

I also apologize for crushing your frilly pink eggshell of a psyche.

Okay, Steve, let's go. That wasn't very convincing. I'm not wearing any panties.

Sounds pretty good to me, Drew.

No, it's not good enough.

Well, what do you want?

First of all, put some panties on.

Second of all, put another pair of panties on.

Third, I'm not going to be satisfied until the whole world knows how sorry

you are.

Well, how am I supposed to do that?

I don't know. It's your problem.

Sorry. No, baby.

Forgive me, please.

Forgive me, please. Forgive

me, please. Forgive me, please. Forgive me, please.

I'm

so

sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'll answer you.

Forgive me now.

Forgive me now.

You are...

Thank

you. Was that so hard?

All this energy calling me, back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude,

it's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland

Living in sin with a safety pin, go Cleveland Rocks.

I'm thinking of a number between one and ten thousand.

Six. Oh.

Two hundred forty.

Oh.

I got it. Four thousand.

Six hundred.

Eighty.

Seven.

Oh.

I hate this game. It's stupid.

Well, what else are we going to do? Without Kate, we've got nothing smart to

talk about. That's not true.

Okay, close your eyes and guess what part of me you're smelling.

Christmas game in October?

Why not?

What are you guys doing? It's not Christmas.

Christmas? Isn't the infinite bisexual bigamist?

You saw the paper, huh? No, I watched the local news. The wacky weathercaster

said your two wives will be getting zero inches this weekend.

Is that a good deluxe?

Well, turns out, since I'm already married to Mr. Wick, the only two

never counted.

Makes you think, huh?

Maybe you and Mr. Wick are just meant to be.

Tell that to his hooker.

Well, maybe he wouldn't be going to hookers if he was getting what he needed

home.

I just can't believe how badly I blew it with Kate. You know, she just hates me.

Hey, there she is.

Who's this guy she's with? Oh, my God, those aren't guys. They're baseball

players. That's Jay Johnstone and Bobby Bonds.

And that's that sports guy from News Channel 5.

That's right, Ron Higgins.

Look how thick his hair is. No wonder he's such a great sportscaster.

What's she doing with them?

Well, this just in. Ron Higgins' tongue.

God, she's dating a celebrity.

True. She was just married to you two weeks ago. She's obviously doing this to

punish you.

Um, Kate's hanging out with famous people.

Do you think we picked the wrong friend to side with?

I don't care who the hell that guy is. I'm gonna go give him a piece of my

Hey, I got two things to say.

You, I miss you.

And you, I saw you at the mall on HGTV.

Nice ear hair.

Guys,

this is my ex -husband, Drew.

How you doing? Wow.

I guess you really don't have a type.

Listen, me and my friends were just sitting over there. You guys want to

us? Hey, big guy, just being near us won't make you better.

That was a good one. You really are the clown prince of baseball.

Actually, we're just here for a few minutes. Then we're going to Shivers.

Oh, yeah, that new club.

I was there for the pre -opening when it was still the supplantation.

There, for the grace of God, go I.

Well, how'd it go?

They won't hang out with us. Our favorite supplantation is closed.

My face of Drew who lost her.

She's got new friends and a new life.

No, I can live without her not being my wife, but I can't live without her not

being my friend.

Yeah, I gotta go.

Oswald, what do we owe him the bill?

Well, if we split it three ways, it's $3 .95.

Must you make these revolting, smacking noises?

There's worse noises coming.

Please, God, don't let me hear a zipper.

This is taking all the fun out of my carpool.

Besides, Steve doesn't even work at the store. Hey.

We've been apart for a long time. I want to be with my Mimi as much as I can.

Yeah, besides, you're just jealous because you can't get any.

Actually, I am getting some.

Someone's hand is under my bottom right now.

Sorry.

Can we please talk about something else? Anything.

Yes, good idea.

Sports.

We'll talk about sports. My hair isn't thick and beautiful enough to talk about

sports.

Is that the rule here?

My God, they say England is a class system.

Sorry, it's just I keep digging that sportscaster around here. It's driving

crazy. I may be from England, but certain things are universal.

If you want to win a woman back, first take her out for a nice skirling.

Then buy her a set of cankles and gunt.

Then finish off the evening with a nice sweet poppy.

Making those words up, aren't you, sir?

Would you prefer listening to that terrible sucking sound coming from the

seat?

It's like wet dog food plopping out of the can.

Drew, if you want to get a woman to forgive you, buy her a trinket for her

And everybody likes calendars, especially calendars with cats on them.

think that's going to work, Nora.

I know it won't, but every time Kate gets a cat calendar, she gives it to me.

And Professor Caddington likes to cross off the days with a paw print.

You do know Professor Cattington will eat your eyes when you die alone, don't

you?

I try not to think about it.

If you don't want to wind up like Eleanor Rigby here, you better win Kate

with a grand gesture.

I know, but how do you apologize to someone when they don't want to talk to

You make sure Pete's going to take the bus today, right?

Yep. I don't think she'll be taking her car without this.

What is that, anyway?

I don't know.

That's the great thing about being a vandal. You don't have to know.

Well, the good news is, if she misses this bus, there's five more driving

with the same sign on. Well, how could you afford that?

Half -size ads, twice as many signs.

Hey, here she comes. Act nonchalant.

You know what nonchalant means, do you?

Yeah.

Means you got no chill on.

What are you guys doing here?

Uh, we just came down here to watch the buses, right guys?

Right, right. Oh, I forgot my binoculars.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here comes the bus now. Let's see what this one has to say this morning.

You took out an ad saying I beat up kids?

No, no, see, this is supposed to be a scene of me begging for forgiveness.

I didn't know it was going to be next to that.

Drew, this bus goes right by my mom's house.

The other five don't.

What? Oh, my God, it's the child beater.

Listen, this woman has never hurt a child in her life.

Hey, aren't you the imminent bisexual bigamist?

I thought I recognized him.

Listen, Kate, just remember, I loved you before you were fins.

Look at this.

I got it off the side of one of the buses.

It's the first crime I ever committed.

It's a rush.

Better grab his ankles, he's floating away.

Well, I just got off the phone with the city to get him to take the signs down

early. Oh, what'd they say?

Well, I pressed one for English, got put on hold for 45 minutes, and a robot

voice told me you're next, and then they hung up on me.

Sorry, Drew.

But here's one you don't have to worry about.

Anybody else get any?

No, we didn't even try.

Admit it, Drew, you pushed her too far this time. She's never going to be our

friend after this.

Right. We kind of figured our time would be better spent just looking for a new

Kate.

What are you talking about?

Drew, we love Kate, but everybody can be replaced.

I mean, Oswald was just a replacement for Adam.

Remember Adam?

Of course I remember Adam.

Dear, sweet, wonderful Adam.

Who's Adam?

Just a moon -faced little kid who thought the ice was thick enough to

Before he went, he recommended you, Oswald.

It's okay, Oswald.

You're here and Adam isn't.

I hope it makes sense to the Lord because it sure as hell doesn't make any

to me.

Hey, Kate.

Over here. Hey, Oswald.

Hey, Kate.

This is Drew.

Hey, Drew.

Made me so bright in your ass at work.

Yeah, I guess she is.

I see, so you just got someone named Kate and fed her a bunch of information?

Oh, no, her name's not Kate, it's Judy.

But she's new in town, she doesn't have any friends, so we can pretty much call

her anything we want. Right, Kate?

I don't care what you call me, it's just good to be out of that cult.

Ask her anything, Drew. Ask her about when you two first met.

Oh, first day of first grade, I showed you my underpants for a juice box.

All right, I got one for you.

Which one of us haven't you slept with?

We didn't go over that, but I'm going to go with him.

Wow, she's good.

Wouldn't it have been just as easy to find someone new and then eventually

to appreciate her for who she is?

We're in our 40s, Drew. We don't have that kind of time.

Nice going, idiot.

Thanks to your stupid ad, Ron dubbed me.

Apparently, the station doesn't like their newscasters hanging out with the

Cleveland baby beater.

Kate, who are you?

I'm Kate O 'Brien.

I'm attractive and always thought that that would be enough.

What the hell does that mean?

Who's that bimbo?

Hey, nobody calls Kate O 'Brien a bimbo. I'd have to kick your ass. Oh, you want

a piece of me? Why not? Everyone else has.

I'm stupid.

Like watching a chicken peck itself in the mirror.

Kate, relax.

I will not relax. I have had it with you, Drew. I've had it with all of you.

totally humiliated me. And you two just stood by and watched. You just stay

away, okay?

And you, if you're going to pretend to be me, I'd hit the gym and bleach those

teeth.

I'm sorry, Drew. I just don't know what to say.

Adam would have known.

Shoot this way so we can see the crowd and

we can catch the highlights of my hair.

Ron, it's us, Keith's friends.

I don't want to talk to you guys. I'm going live in one minute.

Wow, look how shiny and clean his scalp is.

Look, this will only take a second. I need you to get back with Kate.

I'm on TV.

I can't be seen hanging out with her.

Look, the last thing I want is for Kate to be with another guy, but I want her

to be happy.

And trust me, she's never hit a kid in her life.

Look, I can't talk right now. I'm going live in two seconds.

Don't worry, Drew. We'll get him to talk to you.

Hi, Ron Higgins, News Channel 5 Sports.

We're here live at the Game Awards.

Spirits are high here at the stadium.

It's a beautiful night and fans are on course for what should prove to be a

great game.

Despite the fact I'm two games behind the division leaders, Cleveland feels

confident that Jacob's back in the lineup.

Back up to you, the people.

Well, that certainly was embarrassing.

Hey, look, it's the infinite bisexual bigamist.

Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants, okay?

Here's the stuff you wanted from my house.

What's so urgent about two frozen pizzas and a loofah?

Well, I was kind of hungry and my skin's been pretty rough lately.

I'm lying. My skin hasn't been rough lately. If you don't want your stuff,

is it that you want?

I've got something for you. Ron, Kate's here.

Hey, Kate.

Ron, what are you doing here?

I want to get back together.

Isn't it great?

I went down to the ballpark and talked to him into getting back with you.

I know this isn't exactly even the score, but I think I'm only a few runs

to use some jargon from Ron's world.

Is this your idea of staying out of my life? Who the hell said I wanted to get

back with this spineless jerk anyway?

Whoa, that kind of hurt.

I'm sorry, man.

This is killing me.

I'll never get another woman again.

Just kidding. I mean, look at me.

How many times do I have to tell you? Stay out of my life. I don't want to see

you anymore.

I don't accept that. You can say it all you want because I won't accept it.

Okay, just tell me what you want to hear and I'll say it. Or tell me what you

want to do and I'll do it. Anything to make you feel better.

After what you did, there's nothing that you can do to make this better.

I just thought of something.

What?

Glad to see you got that out of your system.

Ain't feel better?

A little.

Not dead yet, Professor Caddington?