All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s07e05 When Wives Collide

Hey, here's Drew.

Hey, how was dinner with the wives?
Anything?

Man, it must have gone really bad.

I can't tell anything by that. He's an
alcoholic.

Kate's getting suspicious that I'm
married to Nicky, too.

Well, how'd that happen? Because I know
that you told Nikki that Kate thinks

she's married to you because she's
insane and you told Kate that Nikki is

huffed up on pills.

How come there's a pressure puzzle on
your arm? Well, it's a temporary tattoo

show women that I'm smart.

Anyway, Kate found the wedding cake from
when I got married to Nikki.

Hey, Nikki, I just broke a bottle in the
mirror.

You don't clean it up for me?

Why can't you do it?

Well, because I'm afraid you won't think
I'm sexy anymore when you hear the old

man noises I make bending over.

God, I'll be blowing up your hemorrhoid
pillow in a year.

Can you explain this?

What? The wedding cake?

Yeah. Can I explain this wedding cake?

Yeah, now I can.

Well, you know how Nikki's always had a
thing for me. Mm -hmm. Well, she's so

hopped up on drugs now that she thinks
that she's married to me.

Then why is she acting like you and I
are married?

I don't know. She's crazy.

What are you asking me for? Oh, I get
it. You think because I should know all

about crazy people because I've been in
a mental institution? How much longer?

Look, if all this is true, then she
really needs help. We have to help her.

no, we can't talk to her. I know all
about crazy people. I was in a mental

institution.

I think I should talk to her.

Nicky? No, are you kidding me? She's
unstable.

She could snap at any minute. This is
dangerous.

Oh, please.

What is it, Kate?

That jagged bottle, it makes you look
fat. Let me take that.

Now they're going to figure out what
you're up to. You've got to do

I know. I've got to tell them sooner or
later.

Damn it.

Put this off long enough.

I just have to find a way to tell them
where nobody gets hurt.

I'd hate to be in your shoes, Drew.

Oh, yeah. Poor Drew.

Let me tell you something. I, for one,
am getting a little sick about always

hearing about poor Drew.

Geez, what did I do to you?

You forgot my birthday.

Looks like you've got three wives.

All this energy calling me back where it
comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson
lips go sleeveling rock, sleeveling

I'm here. What do you want?

You still haven't broken down last
week's sales figures from the woman's

It's hard to focus on work when the only
man you've ever loved has left you.

Ah, look.

Now, here's something that cares more
than I do.

Get back to work!

Now, now, don't cry.

I'm not concerning you. That's an order.

Steve is going to come by with a present
for the baby, and I've got to figure

out a way to get him back.

Now, let's see.

Why not offer to explore something new?
You know, sexually speaking.

Steve and I make videotapes the porn
stars want to rent.

Well, what about jealousy?

Are you familiar with the green -eyed
monster?

Oh, what am I saying? You see it every
morning when you look in the mirror,

Watch it.

I mean that all men respond to the
threat of being replaced by another.

I don't have a suitor right now.

What's going on here?

Well, I guess word's out that you left
me and the men are pretty anxious to

send...

Bite them off.

Instead of pulling these cheap stunts,
perhaps you should focus on a real

problem. Why you are so evil to my
brother.

He's evil to me, too. You had him
committed, Mimi.

Sorry. Is it my fault I'm better at it
than he is?

Honestly, Mimi.

Okay, look.

I'm sorry the baby and I missed Daddy.

I swear I will not torment or insult
Drew Carey again.

Thank you.

Well, look what ran the blue ribbon at
the fair.

Mimi.

Crap.

Forgive me.

I can tell your lady parts are ready to
come home, but your heart isn't.

Well, cover yourself in brush because
there's poachers out there.

I can't even make one marriage work.

How are you doing with two?

You know, not so good.

I was up all night, but I just can't
figure out what to do.

Oh, come on, Drew. I think you know deep
down who you should be with.

And I think I can help you get there.
Now, let's try this.

What do you usually do when you have a
huge decision to make?

Well, I usually talk it over with Kate.
I mean, she's my best friend. She's

known me my whole life. She knows me
better than anybody else.

Oh, my God. It's Kate.

I think I should be married to Kate.

Good news. You already are.

You should go to her right away because
if you tell her about this double

marriage thing, there's a chance she'll
forgive you. Right.

Are you on drugs?

No.

Are you crazy?

No.

Okay, I think I'm on top of this thing.

Tim, have you seen our husband, Drew?

That's right, ours.

The bastard married the both of us.

Oh, sorry, I haven't seen him.

Maybe he's upstairs.

And you, whatever you hear, ignore it,
or you'll have two angry women all over

you.

Yeah, nice threat. Now you've got them
all sexed up.

Hey, Tim, you see Kate or Nick in here?
Yeah, they're both upstairs.

They're here together?

Both of them?

Yeah, and by the way, I think your wife
just came on to me.

My wives? You mean you know? They know?

Where the hell is he?

He's not upstairs.

I swear to God, I'm so angry I can smell
his cheap aftershave.

All right, Tim.

Here's 20 bucks.

If you see him...

I am the Grim Reaper. I have come for
you.

Oh, man.

Here's another one.

I'm up to my ankles in squirrel blood.

Hey, Lewis.

You really think we're going to get away
with building a house in the park?

Hey, that's why we're wearing these
orange vests, okay? If anybody sees us,

they're going to think we're city
workers, huh?

Jogger. Okay, remember, we're city
workers. Stop working.

Hey, nothing to lose from going on here.
You have to report to the city, baby.

Hey,

Drew. What's going on?

Screwed. Kate and Nikki found out
everything, and now they're looking for

You fool. You've killed us all by coming
here.

I was all set to tell Kate that she was
the one.

Now it looks like I'm coming clean just
because I got caught.

Okay, let me get this straight.

If I understand you correctly, Nikki's
available?

Did your spine even touch your brain?

I came to you guys for help here.

Okay, picture this.

In all those old movies, people had this
problem all the time, okay? But because

they were dressed so nice and so
sophisticated, nothing bad ever

You say tomato, I say tomato. You say
potato, I say potato.

Tomato, tomato, potato, potato.

Let's call the whole thing off.

Drew, that is absolutely the perfect way
to leave me.

More champagne, darling? I'd love some.

You know what?

I just got to tell Kate what happened
and tell her I love her and hope she

forgives me.

Yeah, that's probably the best way to
go.

Be sincere.

Open up your heart.

Women really respond to that.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Shake it. That's right. Shake it, mama.

Yeah. You are fine. Oh, it's a guy.
Hide.

Here's your sales figure.

Hello, Mimi.

You know, when you slapped me before, I
was so embarrassed, I went out and took

a self -defense course.

Try and slap me now.

Not now, I wasn't ready.

I'll say three, two, one, and then you
slap me, all right?

Three, two, one. Now!

Not on one, after one.

Try it again.

Three, two, one.

See what I'm doing? I'm using your own
strength against you.

My teacher was right. My hand's a
dangerous weapon.

Mimi, have you seen Drew?

At least he has your picture on his
desk.

Yeah, well, don't feel bad.

What do you say we go kill him?

Let's go.

Maybe Mimi can help us.

She's better at torturing Drew than
anybody.

Damn right I am.

But I can't help you. My husband doesn't
approve.

I'm out of the game.

Oh, come on, Mimi. You're the best.

Of course I'm the best.

I got a family.

Guess we'll just have to put the itching
powder in his underwear.

Oh, God, I miss the smell of that.

Okay, I'm in. But we do things my way.

Okay, Lady Hawk, you take notes.

Codenames. It's going to be so much fun.
What's mine?

How about girl who's nice to me only
when she needs something?

How about tramp?

Okay, look. I know you know that I'm
married to Nikki, too. It was a stupid,

stupid thing to do. I really regret it.

But believe me, you're the one I want to
be with. And I'm willing to wait as

long as it takes until you forgive me.
You have my word.

And $1 ,000.

First of all, you can't buy my
forgiveness.

And... I'm going to be mad at you for a

very long time.

I even thought about getting revenge,
but I can't. I still love you.

You do?

Yeah. Do you know who I'm really mad at?

Oh, if it's not me, I really don't care.
Shall we go, my love?

I'm really mad at Nikki.

She pounced on you the day you got out
of the mental institution.

I mean, she knew you were thinking
straight, and she took advantage of

Well, actually, I was the one that
proposed.

You know what? I'm interrupting the
truth. Go ahead.

You know what?

I've been thinking about what she did to
you all day, and I'm going to have a

little word with that manipulating
skank.

Let me talk to her first and tell her
how sorry I am.

Okay. Drew, do you still have that
flashlight on your keys?

Oh, yeah.

World's smallest.

I'm going to handle Nicky on my own.

Hey! Hey!

I would start right back there.

I only had the world's smallest
flashlight.

The Nicky Dummies.

Why is your head a pillowcase?

You married two women, you jerk. Oh,
thank God you're alive.

Don't touch me!

You know, you have every right to be
angry.

How dare you give me the right to be
angry? Maybe I don't want to be angry.

You're not angry? Of course I'm angry.
What you did to me was ugly enough, and

it just got uglier.

Oh, I guess Kate told you that I chose
her over you.

Oh, look what I did. I just made it
worse.

There's no way I can pay you back for
the pain you caused me, but I had to do

something. Seven things in your house,
two of them in the fridge, have been in

hobo's butt. Good luck.

Oh, come on. That's just gross, man.

You are the last person in the world I
wanted to hurt.

Nice words.

All better.

Let's go make love.

Okay, so listen, we can either stay
married and you'll automatically win

argument for the next 50 years.

If you start fresh with a new guy,
you're going to have to give a little. I

I hate that.

Ever since I can remember, you were my
best friend or my boyfriend.

Now you're nothing.

Oh, damn it.

Jess, Jess, Jess.

Jeez, Drew.

What were you rehearsing for?

I blew it, man.

They both left me.

Oh.

Sorry, buddy.

Hey, you know, if you get lonely, you
can always come stay with us once we

finish building our house in the park.

We could turn the gift wrap room into a
guest bedroom.

You mean the solarium into a guest
bedroom.

Here's an idea.

Let's build a house, not tear us down.

Oh.

Thanks for the offer, guys, but I still
haven't given up on the idea of getting

Kate back.

Could take a while, buddy.

Well, that's one thing I got is
patience.

Hey, Gerald, how about we go get a beer?

Nah, it's okay. I just want to be alone
right now.

You sure?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Can we take that with us? Yeah.

house. Hey, let's celebrate. Have some
beers. Hurry up. The game's almost over.

Oswald, enough of the Grim Reaper crap,
all right?

Where's my beer, you moron?

Right here.

Oh, my God.

So, you must be here for Lewis.

Hey...

You're looking for Mrs. Peterson. She
lives down the street.