Original subtitles

Hey, there she is.

That's that new waitress I was telling you about. She's cute.

Cute?

She's an angel sent down from heaven like a pure and shining light.

God, I'd love to shove my tongue down her throat.

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Lewis. This is Oswald.

Hi, I'm Stephanie.

I hope I'm not being too forward here, but I was wondering if you'd like to go

to dinner or maybe a movie on Saturday?

Things go well?

Perhaps carve you out of ice?

You're kind of cute. I'd like to, but I work the night shift on weekends.

Hey, how about I fix dinner for you upstairs and you can join me on your

You live up there?

Why would you want to live above the bar?

Because they wouldn't let us live in the bar.

You know what the problem is?

We're two 40 -year -old guys living together above a bar. Women think it's

creepy.

You know what?

Maybe they're right.

Oswald, old buddy.

It's time we grew up, moved on, and became men.

It's time we bought a house together.

Hey, I got a big problem.

I just got married to Kate.

You mean you just got married to Nikki?

No, it was the day before yesterday.

So you're saying you divorced Nikki and married Kate?

Yeah, except for the divorce part.

You married to Nikki and Kate?

Oh, here she comes. She doesn't know anything about this. Don't say anything,

okay? True, she's our best friend. We have to say something. Look, here's all

change.

Congratulations.

Oh, that's so great.

May you two have a long and happy life together. Oh, that's so sweet, Oswald.

Yeah, it's bigamy, ain't it?

I belong in a cage.

What have I done?

Drew, you're never going to get away with this. What the hell were you

I've loved Kate my whole life. She asked me to marry her. What was I supposed to

do? Say no?

So what are you going to do? Your house isn't that big. Eventually, they're

going to run into each other.

I think he's going to live in my place. Kate doesn't want to live there because

of the old person smell.

It's you, Drew.

No problem at a time, okay?

That might just work when you're with one of them. You can tell the other when

you're working out of town.

Hey, that's a good idea.

I just gotta figure out who I was meant to be with, and then I'll tell them both

what a mess I made.

I'll do it, um, I'll do it in the morning. I'll do it first thing tomorrow

morning.

Well, I don't know why I came here tonight.

I've got a feeling there's something right.

I'm so scared, I guess I'll fall off my chair.

There's a moment I will get downstairs.

Good morning, Joe.

Morning.

Joe, why are you all sweaty?

Oh.

I had a nightmare. Vegetables were chasing me through a forest.

Why is there a leaf in your hair?

Kate, if I can't wake up sweaty with a leaf in my hair without you giving me

third degree, what kind of marriage are we going to have?

I mean, honestly.

It's okay. I forgive you.

All this energy calling me back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland rocks, Cleveland

Living in sin with a safety net.

Got your daisies.

Oh, Drew, I'm allergic to daisies. I like roses.

Oh, yeah. Must have bought these for my other wife.

Drew, you know, I get so lonely when you only come home every other day. I mean,

you're so tired at night, you never want to... Well, you know.

How long do you think Mr. Wick's going to keep you running between Cleveland

Toledo?

I don't know. You know, there's some guys in Utah. They have to cover five,

stores at a time.

Oh, there's the pot roast.

Can't wait.

You know, they can't cook in Toledo. They just get by on their looks.

Hi. Hi, Kate. It's me in Toledo.

Why are you whispering?

Because I've been shouting from the rooftops all day that I love you and I

my voice.

I love my wife!

Drew, I love you too.

Love you too, sweetie.

Anyway, I gotta go.

Okay, see you soon, honey. And hey, bring me back a souvenir from Toledo.

Uh, you know, I can't. They don't sell souvenirs in Toledo.

As soon as people leave there, they just want to forget all about it.

You know, I say we give up. We've been to ten open houses, and we haven't found

anything in our price range.

Well, let's just look at this one more. It says it's small, but for this price,

who cares, huh? Okay.

Doesn't look that small from here. Yeah.

But I like how far back it is from the street.

Sit on down and take a look.

It wasn't far away. It's just an itty -bitty house.

Well, let's check it out. Maybe it's just tiny on the outside.

Hey, check

it out. What?

This is what we're going to look like when we get old. Cool.

around. Who is this house built for anyway?

Well, some people say it was built by a leprechaun, some by hobbits, and others

believe that it was a midget banker that was transferred to Atlanta six months

ago.

I don't believe in midgets.

So, what do you think?

Well,

it's a big decision.

I wish we could get some sort of sign.

What's that?

That's from the church down the street.

They ring every day at noon.

That's it. That's our sign. We don't need no freaking church bells waking us

Hey, pig.

I heard you got yourself a wife.

Yeah, yes, I have a wife.

You know, I saw the weirdest thing this morning on my way to the woman's store.

I thought I saw you jogging down the street in your pajamas.

That wasn't me. That was the big slow kid that lives next door. He runs away

when they try to brush his teeth.

Hmm. I wonder what he's trying to hide.

what's in the bag oh I bring you Snow White's heart my queen

it's a surprise for Drew

that looks like a wedding photo of you and Drew

that's right hold the pony O 'Brien

Are you trying to tell me that you and Drew got married?

Mm -hmm.

What's so funny?

Pig got married and I got the gift.

I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.

I've heard of gorillas testing luggage, but never office chairs.

Gorillas, that's rich.

Oh, and I see someone's been trying to get into my desk.

I'll tell you what, Mimi, if you want to see what's in there so badly, here,

have a look.

I don't care. You have nothing to hide. Go ahead.

Well, you know, I can't stand not knowing what's in a locked drawer.

I just hope it isn't some nasty prank.

Because then I'd have to tell your wife what a rotten thing you did, and then

I'd have to tell your other wife.

Freeze!

Don't turn the key.

Don't take your hand off the key.

For God's sakes, don't perspire. Anything can stay...

Yes, yes.

And you can play. Here.

Take this.

All right.

Grab these wires. All right.

Now, when I say the word, I want you to cut the blue wire, okay?

All right. Well, how do I know if I win?

If you lose, the Lord Jesus will tell you so.

Okay, on the count of three.

One.

Two. So it's the red wire, right? Blue!

Three.

Four.

Well, that's a big old ball.

Listen, before you go judging me, I happen to love Kate and Mickey.

You know, I hate to break it to you, but getting two women halfway there is not

the same as getting one all the way home.

You know, I ought to call O 'Brien and give her a heads up. Wait.

Look, this... It's none of your business, but I'm not having sex with

of them. Okay? Because it just wouldn't be right.

Oh, really? Nothing?

No, nothing. Trust me. And it's not easy spending two weeks lying next to

beautiful women you can't touch.

Would you please stop the gentle rise and fall of your bosom?

Okay.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll keep your little secret.

If you stop trying to get back at me for putting you in the loony bin... Deal.

Okay. Even.

From now on...

No more nasty surprises.

Uh, have you been up to your car lately?

No, why?

If I'm not back in a half an hour, call animal control.

Okay, so you think your sick little game's all right?

As long as you don't have sex with them, huh?

Well, we're going to show you what you're missing.

Oh, hello, Mimi Bobeck, slutty undies, account number 4681.

I want to order two of your sexiest outfits that no man can resist.

And sign them from your loving husband, Drew.

Damn. Hold on.

Winford Louder, may I help you? What?

Please hold.

Hey, honey, I'm home.

Hi. I'm sorry. I didn't know you weren't decent. I'll come my way outside.

Oh, no. You haven't seen indecent.

Drew, I'm so glad you sent me this. I was starting to think you weren't

interested.

Oh, yeah, I'm glad you like it. You know what would make that really sexy?

The terrycloth robe my grandmother dyed in. I'll go get it.

Drew, you've been avoiding me since the honeymoon.

But tonight, that's going to change.

Okay, I think somebody's starting to get in the mood.

Oh, holy Toledo, it's Kate.

And I just got that negligee you sent.

You're a very, very naughty boy.

Yeah, agreed.

Call her back.

You know, I have to admit, I was getting worried about you. But now I can't wait

for you to come home.

And you know what I think that we should do first?

To tell you you're doing chores for the wife.

She's really upset. You know, between you and Toledo, I hardly see her at all

anymore.

Well, I guess it must be hard. I mean, our best friend's suddenly getting

married. Lord knows I try to soften the blow.

Hang on, I got another call.

Hello? I just called to say nighty -nighty.

I am gonna kill you!

PBS pledge drive.

Drew, you know what? Let's invite Kate to dinner tomorrow night.

No, no, no. She cries all the time. It's depressing.

No, come on. She really needs to be with friends right now. If you don't invite

her, I will.

All right, great.

We'll all have dinner together.

Did you guys know I was here?

We heard you were having dinner tonight with Kate and Nikki.

We know this is one of your favorite places to come and think.

Yeah, I haven't been here in a while.

I have an idea.

You could tell Nikki that Kate is insane and just thinks she's married to you.

You know what?

That just might work.

I could just tell Nikki that Kate flipped out when we got married.

My God. God, Drew, are you really thinking of doing this? What am I

do? If I tell the truth, the two women I love most in the world are going to

hate me forever.

You know, we should come out here more often. It's really one of my favorite

places in town.

It's so quiet and peaceful.

Trees. Best part is, nobody knows it even exists.

You'd build a house out here and nobody would ever know.

I swear you're supposed to tell us it's a stupid idea and that we're idiots.

I got two eyes. I have nothing to say.

I still can't get over what you told me about Kate. It is so sad.

Yeah, well, you know, it's true. She just flipped out when she heard we got

married. Oh, I believe it. It can make you crazy being unmarried at her age.

Same age as you.

Yeah, but I'm married.

Hey, uh, speaking of which...

Tonight, don't say a word about you and me being married, because the doctor

said that you could just set her off.

And just go along with whatever crazy story she makes up about being my wife.

I don't know if I like the idea of another woman thinking she's your wife.

Oh, honey.

You're the one I'm coming home to every other night.

Hey. Hey. How are you?

Nikki,

I'm so glad we could finally get together with you.

We? Oh, oh, oh, you and Drew, of course, yes.

I'm very happy for you. You make a lovely couple.

Thank you. I'm so lucky.

Oh.

Listen,

Drew told me how difficult your divorce has been.

I'm so glad we could let you stay here while you get on your feet again.

Me too.

That's right. I'm a great guy, all right? No matter what happens tonight,

not forget that.

Hey, who wants wine?

Drew, do you really think she should be having wine?

Why are you asking him?

Kathy, it's just a mistake, a stupid mistake.

Nobody has to die over it.

I'm going to get the wine.

What's going on?

Well, I didn't want to say anything, but she's on medication.

Oh, she's so strung out now, she actually thinks that you and I are

We are.

That's right.

Who wants wine?

You know, a gentleman should always taste it first.

Oh, I'm not quite sure.

I wasn't really paying attention.

Yeah, it's okay. Go ahead and pour it.

Thank you.

Oh, Nikki.

Yes. How are you?

I am good.

How are you?

Fine.

Sure you are.

One day at a time, huh?

I'll get the door. Don't say anything. I don't want to miss a word of the

conversation.

Hey. Hey, Drew.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, we were just in the neighborhood. We thought we'd drop by, see how the

dinner's going.

What's with the first aid kit?

That's to sew your genitals back on.

Thanks, but things are going great.

It started out a little shaky, but now they actually think the other one's

Wow.

So you did it. Now, you sure you don't need us to stick around just to make

you don't do anything stupid?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, then can we borrow your power tools to build a house in the park?

Is he really going to do it? Yeah, we read a bunch of stuff about squatters'

rights. Turns out if you improve and maintain a parcel of unused land for at

least ten years, you can legally claim ownership.

So you guys really went to the library and researched all this?

Well, yeah, we're there every Thursday for story time anyway.

May I help you with anything?

You could get ice for the water glass.

Uh -huh.

Drew and Nicky.

Well, thanks, Drew. I'll grab tools from the garage.

Yeah, hey, good luck with the dinner.

Thanks. I don't think I need it.

I think for once God is going to back up the crap truck and bury some other poor

bastard.

Drew, may I talk to you?

Come in, honey.

Are you sure this is where you lost your wallet?

I've looked everywhere else. It has to be in this little house.

You see anything?

Wait. I think I see something by that chair.

Huh? Get out of my house, you big -headed bastards!