All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s07e04 Married To A Mob

Hey, there she is.

That's that new waitress I was telling
you about. She's cute.

Cute?

She's an angel sent down from heaven
like a pure and shining light.

God, I'd love to shove my tongue down
her throat.

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Lewis. This is Oswald.

Hi, I'm Stephanie.

I hope I'm not being too forward here,
but I was wondering if you'd like to go

to dinner or maybe a movie on Saturday?

Things go well?

Perhaps carve you out of ice?

You're kind of cute. I'd like to, but I
work the night shift on weekends.

Hey, how about I fix dinner for you
upstairs and you can join me on your

You live up there?

Why would you want to live above the
bar?

Because they wouldn't let us live in the
bar.

You know what the problem is?

We're two 40 -year -old guys living
together above a bar. Women think it's

creepy.

You know what?

Maybe they're right.

Oswald, old buddy.

It's time we grew up, moved on, and
became men.

It's time we bought a house together.

Hey, I got a big problem.

I just got married to Kate.

You mean you just got married to Nikki?

No, it was the day before yesterday.

So you're saying you divorced Nikki and
married Kate?

Yeah, except for the divorce part.

You married to Nikki and Kate?

Oh, here she comes. She doesn't know
anything about this. Don't say anything,

okay? True, she's our best friend. We
have to say something. Look, here's all

change.

Congratulations.

Oh, that's so great.

May you two have a long and happy life
together. Oh, that's so sweet, Oswald.

Yeah, it's bigamy, ain't it?

I belong in a cage.

What have I done?

Drew, you're never going to get away
with this. What the hell were you

I've loved Kate my whole life. She asked
me to marry her. What was I supposed to

do? Say no?

So what are you going to do? Your house
isn't that big. Eventually, they're

going to run into each other.

I think he's going to live in my place.
Kate doesn't want to live there because

of the old person smell.

It's you, Drew.

No problem at a time, okay?

That might just work when you're with
one of them. You can tell the other when

you're working out of town.

Hey, that's a good idea.

I just gotta figure out who I was meant
to be with, and then I'll tell them both

what a mess I made.

I'll do it, um, I'll do it in the
morning. I'll do it first thing tomorrow

morning.

Well, I don't know why I came here
tonight.

I've got a feeling there's something
right.

I'm so scared, I guess I'll fall off my
chair.

There's a moment I will get downstairs.

Good morning, Joe.

Morning.

Joe, why are you all sweaty?

Oh.

I had a nightmare. Vegetables were
chasing me through a forest.

Why is there a leaf in your hair?

Kate, if I can't wake up sweaty with a
leaf in my hair without you giving me

third degree, what kind of marriage are
we going to have?

I mean, honestly.

It's okay. I forgive you.

All this energy calling me back where it
comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson
lips go Cleveland rocks, Cleveland

Living in sin with a safety net.

Got your daisies.

Oh, Drew, I'm allergic to daisies. I
like roses.

Oh, yeah. Must have bought these for my
other wife.

Drew, you know, I get so lonely when you
only come home every other day. I mean,

you're so tired at night, you never want
to... Well, you know.

How long do you think Mr. Wick's going
to keep you running between Cleveland

Toledo?

I don't know. You know, there's some
guys in Utah. They have to cover five,

stores at a time.

Oh, there's the pot roast.

Can't wait.

You know, they can't cook in Toledo.
They just get by on their looks.

Hi. Hi, Kate. It's me in Toledo.

Why are you whispering?

Because I've been shouting from the
rooftops all day that I love you and I

my voice.

I love my wife!

Drew, I love you too.

Love you too, sweetie.

Anyway, I gotta go.

Okay, see you soon, honey. And hey,
bring me back a souvenir from Toledo.

Uh, you know, I can't. They don't sell
souvenirs in Toledo.

As soon as people leave there, they just
want to forget all about it.

You know, I say we give up. We've been
to ten open houses, and we haven't found

anything in our price range.

Well, let's just look at this one more.
It says it's small, but for this price,

who cares, huh? Okay.

Doesn't look that small from here. Yeah.

But I like how far back it is from the
street.

Sit on down and take a look.

It wasn't far away. It's just an itty
-bitty house.

Well, let's check it out. Maybe it's
just tiny on the outside.

Hey, check

it out. What?

This is what we're going to look like
when we get old. Cool.

around. Who is this house built for
anyway?

Well, some people say it was built by a
leprechaun, some by hobbits, and others

believe that it was a midget banker that
was transferred to Atlanta six months

ago.

I don't believe in midgets.

So, what do you think?

Well,

it's a big decision.

I wish we could get some sort of sign.

What's that?

That's from the church down the street.

They ring every day at noon.

That's it. That's our sign. We don't
need no freaking church bells waking us

Hey, pig.

I heard you got yourself a wife.

Yeah, yes, I have a wife.

You know, I saw the weirdest thing this
morning on my way to the woman's store.

I thought I saw you jogging down the
street in your pajamas.

That wasn't me. That was the big slow
kid that lives next door. He runs away

when they try to brush his teeth.

Hmm. I wonder what he's trying to hide.

what's in the bag oh I bring you Snow
White's heart my queen

it's a surprise for Drew

that looks like a wedding photo of you
and Drew

that's right hold the pony O 'Brien

Are you trying to tell me that you and
Drew got married?

Mm -hmm.

What's so funny?

Pig got married and I got the gift.

I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.

I've heard of gorillas testing luggage,
but never office chairs.

Gorillas, that's rich.

Oh, and I see someone's been trying to
get into my desk.

I'll tell you what, Mimi, if you want to
see what's in there so badly, here,

have a look.

I don't care. You have nothing to hide.
Go ahead.

Well, you know, I can't stand not
knowing what's in a locked drawer.

I just hope it isn't some nasty prank.

Because then I'd have to tell your wife
what a rotten thing you did, and then

I'd have to tell your other wife.

Freeze!

Don't turn the key.

Don't take your hand off the key.

For God's sakes, don't perspire.
Anything can stay...

Yes, yes.

And you can play. Here.

Take this.

All right.

Grab these wires. All right.

Now, when I say the word, I want you to
cut the blue wire, okay?

All right. Well, how do I know if I win?

If you lose, the Lord Jesus will tell
you so.

Okay, on the count of three.

One.

Two. So it's the red wire, right? Blue!

Three.

Four.

Well, that's a big old ball.

Listen, before you go judging me, I
happen to love Kate and Mickey.

You know, I hate to break it to you, but
getting two women halfway there is not

the same as getting one all the way
home.

You know, I ought to call O 'Brien and
give her a heads up. Wait.

Look, this... It's none of your
business, but I'm not having sex with

of them. Okay? Because it just wouldn't
be right.

Oh, really? Nothing?

No, nothing. Trust me. And it's not easy
spending two weeks lying next to

beautiful women you can't touch.

Would you please stop the gentle rise
and fall of your bosom?

Okay.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll keep your little secret.

If you stop trying to get back at me for
putting you in the loony bin... Deal.

Okay. Even.

From now on...

No more nasty surprises.

Uh, have you been up to your car lately?

No, why?

If I'm not back in a half an hour, call
animal control.

Okay, so you think your sick little
game's all right?

As long as you don't have sex with them,
huh?

Well, we're going to show you what
you're missing.

Oh, hello, Mimi Bobeck, slutty undies,
account number 4681.

I want to order two of your sexiest
outfits that no man can resist.

And sign them from your loving husband,
Drew.

Damn. Hold on.

Winford Louder, may I help you? What?

Please hold.

Hey, honey, I'm home.

Hi. I'm sorry. I didn't know you weren't
decent. I'll come my way outside.

Oh, no. You haven't seen indecent.

Drew, I'm so glad you sent me this. I
was starting to think you weren't

interested.

Oh, yeah, I'm glad you like it. You know
what would make that really sexy?

The terrycloth robe my grandmother dyed
in. I'll go get it.

Drew, you've been avoiding me since the
honeymoon.

But tonight, that's going to change.

Okay, I think somebody's starting to get
in the mood.

Oh, holy Toledo, it's Kate.

And I just got that negligee you sent.

You're a very, very naughty boy.

Yeah, agreed.

Call her back.

You know, I have to admit, I was getting
worried about you. But now I can't wait

for you to come home.

And you know what I think that we should
do first?

To tell you you're doing chores for the
wife.

She's really upset. You know, between
you and Toledo, I hardly see her at all

anymore.

Well, I guess it must be hard. I mean,
our best friend's suddenly getting

married. Lord knows I try to soften the
blow.

Hang on, I got another call.

Hello? I just called to say nighty
-nighty.

I am gonna kill you!

PBS pledge drive.

Drew, you know what? Let's invite Kate
to dinner tomorrow night.

No, no, no. She cries all the time. It's
depressing.

No, come on. She really needs to be with
friends right now. If you don't invite

her, I will.

All right, great.

We'll all have dinner together.

Did you guys know I was here?

We heard you were having dinner tonight
with Kate and Nikki.

We know this is one of your favorite
places to come and think.

Yeah, I haven't been here in a while.

I have an idea.

You could tell Nikki that Kate is insane
and just thinks she's married to you.

You know what?

That just might work.

I could just tell Nikki that Kate
flipped out when we got married.

My God. God, Drew, are you really
thinking of doing this? What am I

do? If I tell the truth, the two women I
love most in the world are going to

hate me forever.

You know, we should come out here more
often. It's really one of my favorite

places in town.

It's so quiet and peaceful.

Trees. Best part is, nobody knows it
even exists.

You'd build a house out here and nobody
would ever know.

I swear you're supposed to tell us it's
a stupid idea and that we're idiots.

I got two eyes. I have nothing to say.

I still can't get over what you told me
about Kate. It is so sad.

Yeah, well, you know, it's true. She
just flipped out when she heard we got

married. Oh, I believe it. It can make
you crazy being unmarried at her age.

Same age as you.

Yeah, but I'm married.

Hey, uh, speaking of which...

Tonight, don't say a word about you and
me being married, because the doctor

said that you could just set her off.

And just go along with whatever crazy
story she makes up about being my wife.

I don't know if I like the idea of
another woman thinking she's your wife.

Oh, honey.

You're the one I'm coming home to every
other night.

Hey. Hey. How are you?

Nikki,

I'm so glad we could finally get
together with you.

We? Oh, oh, oh, you and Drew, of course,
yes.

I'm very happy for you. You make a
lovely couple.

Thank you. I'm so lucky.

Oh.

Listen,

Drew told me how difficult your divorce
has been.

I'm so glad we could let you stay here
while you get on your feet again.

Me too.

That's right. I'm a great guy, all
right? No matter what happens tonight,

not forget that.

Hey, who wants wine?

Drew, do you really think she should be
having wine?

Why are you asking him?

Kathy, it's just a mistake, a stupid
mistake.

Nobody has to die over it.

I'm going to get the wine.

What's going on?

Well, I didn't want to say anything, but
she's on medication.

Oh, she's so strung out now, she
actually thinks that you and I are

We are.

That's right.

Who wants wine?

You know, a gentleman should always
taste it first.

Oh, I'm not quite sure.

I wasn't really paying attention.

Yeah, it's okay. Go ahead and pour it.

Thank you.

Oh, Nikki.

Yes. How are you?

I am good.

How are you?

Fine.

Sure you are.

One day at a time, huh?

I'll get the door. Don't say anything. I
don't want to miss a word of the

conversation.

Hey. Hey, Drew.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, we were just in the neighborhood.
We thought we'd drop by, see how the

dinner's going.

What's with the first aid kit?

That's to sew your genitals back on.

Thanks, but things are going great.

It started out a little shaky, but now
they actually think the other one's

Wow.

So you did it. Now, you sure you don't
need us to stick around just to make

you don't do anything stupid?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, then can we borrow your power
tools to build a house in the park?

Is he really going to do it? Yeah, we
read a bunch of stuff about squatters'

rights. Turns out if you improve and
maintain a parcel of unused land for at

least ten years, you can legally claim
ownership.

So you guys really went to the library
and researched all this?

Well, yeah, we're there every Thursday
for story time anyway.

May I help you with anything?

You could get ice for the water glass.

Uh -huh.

Drew and Nicky.

Well, thanks, Drew. I'll grab tools from
the garage.

Yeah, hey, good luck with the dinner.

Thanks. I don't think I need it.

I think for once God is going to back up
the crap truck and bury some other poor

bastard.

Drew, may I talk to you?

Come in, honey.

Are you sure this is where you lost your
wallet?

I've looked everywhere else. It has to
be in this little house.

You see anything?

Wait. I think I see something by that
chair.

Huh? Get out of my house, you big
-headed bastards!