Original subtitles

The living room's ready.

Oh, good.

Well, Drew should be home for the mental institution any second. Well, before he

gets here, I want to see that welcome back cake you bought, huh? Okay, here

go. Love it.

Here's to a great parole hearing, Lou.

He's not going to read what the cake was.

Hey, Drew and Steve just pulled up.

I still think we should have thrown a big welcome home party at the Warsaw.

Hey, but the doctor says he needs to be reintroduced to his life slowly, all

right? The last thing he needs now is a big shock to his system.

You know, between you, you killed three grandpas that way. You'd think you'd

learn.

What's wrong with you two?

Lots of stuff. Why?

Mr. Drew. Oh, me too, buddy.

Welcome home. Good day. Save some of that sugar for your brother.

Feels so good to have you back.

Stop grinding me, Lewis.

I'm sending my love through you to Drew.

Hey, bro, I'm going to run and get us something to eat. You want something

special? No, I'm all right. But hey, thanks for staying with me until I get

on my feet.

That's the least I could do after what Mimi did to you.

You know, sometimes I think I was just blinded by that woman's looks.

Sure wasn't the sun reflecting off the ugly? Pow! Hey, first one on the mental

institution.

You seem to be a good spirit.

Yeah, you know, I had a lot of time to think.

I realized I was just dressing out too much from work.

Well, good for you. It's time you stopped focusing your whole life on that

-nowhere job.

Exactly. I'm going to take some classes, you know, meet some new people.

Heck, I just had a little breakdown. It's nothing big.

What are you doing?

I need some pills the doctors gave me in case I get stressed out.

Are you sure you want to throw those out?

I'm not crazy. I don't need pills to handle stress, all right? What kind of

needs a crutch to get through life?

All better.

So how did you finally convince them to let you out? I danced my way out.

What?

Yeah, I worked through all my other issues, and they still thought I was a

little depressed, and they said the only way I could leave and prove I was

healthy was by dancing.

That must have been hard. Mental institutions are depressing.

Not really. I mean, they had movie nights, swimming pool, and the food. The

was good? Oh.

Yeah, there was ham and there was turkey, there was caviar, and there were

tall glasses with wine up the bar. Then somebody grabbed me, threw me out of my

chair, said, before you leave, you gotta dance like Fred.

If you couldn't dance, how'd you get out?

I'm getting to that part.

When?

Now.

You would deference me, and I'm sure that you would understand.

Hmm.

Now, wait a minute.

Of course I can dance. Of course I can dance.

I'm sure I can dance. I'm sure I can dance. I can dance.

a quick step and I'm bossing over little Victor Sylvester and Rudy Valentino you

should have seen me moving right across the floor and they're down my

tuxedo next week I'm coming back

You guys need an accordion player? I play a little accordion.

Oh,

this

energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

Special crew.

You've been a perfect employee for 30 years.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I need 11 squares for the office. Oh, delightful.

Now, in one day, you'll be vested in your pension, which will cost this

a fortune.

If I could find a reason to fire you, I'd be a hero.

Hello?

What is this?

A purple and red scarf?

Those are gang colors.

Seriously? I've had it for 20 years. Enough!

Me. I'm back.

Oh, Gary.

Yes, welcome back. I made you some lemon squares.

Enjoy them. I can't make them again. I, uh, fired the recipe.

Oh, my gosh. Didn't anybody do my work for me while I was gone? Well, don't

think of it as work, Gary. Think of it as a magic fort.

It takes you from early nights into weekends.

At the hospital, they taught me I can handle anything, so go ahead and pile it

on.

I like the new Gary.

You're like an old cat I could pick up by the tail.

Welcome back, pig.

You know, you'd think after what you did to me, you'd be a little nicer.

Yeah, a rumor around the woman's store is that they took out the part of your

brain that makes you want to get revenge.

True,

isn't it?

Yeah, it's in the trash with the part of your brain that tells you to quit

putting on makeup.

I dropped off King Dust at daycare downstairs.

He hit one of the other children. I wonder where he gets that.

Steve, I want you to come home.

The house is really empty without you.

I'm ready to come back. Come back?

I guess it's time that you knew.

We split up because she put you in the mental institution.

I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you.

Upset? I'll show you how upset I am.

I'm okay with it.

Wait a minute.

First, we have a test to see if he's really sane.

We have a Mounds.

And we have an Almond Joy.

Do you feel like a nut, or do you don't?

Well, it's easy. I'll just take the Almond Joy.

I'll have the Mounds. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Drew.

I haven't seen you in forever. Where have you been?

Well, I was... He was on vacation for three months. Okay, he was in jail for

pistol -whipping Mary Tyler Moore.

What the hell is that all about?

Mental illness has such a stigma.

So, Drew, while you were gone, I started your car so the battery wouldn't die.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, and I took it to Atlantic City so the battery wouldn't

And twice to Florida so the battery wouldn't die.

Long distance a couple times a week so your phone wouldn't freeze up.

That's okay.

You know, it's just stuff.

New Drew has never been stronger. I'm ready to stand on my own two feet, take

all the life's challenges. Oh, crap.

Maybe he's trying to lift the table to prove how strong he is. You can do it,

Drew. Let's get on top.

I know why he's under there.

Nikki just walked in.

Nikki? Yeah, the last time you saw her was at her wedding. Do you remember

Let him be humiliated again.

Hey, guys.

Good to see everybody again.

So, um, is Drew around?

Drew? You mean the, uh, junior senator from Ohio?

Hi, Nicky.

Well, Senator, I hope we can count on your vote on the gum under the table

issue.

How you doing, Drew?

Well, I'm okay now, but I had kind of a rough summer.

Yeah, you know, hey, nothing to be ashamed of. I was, uh, I was

institutionalized.

Oh, he's not crazy.

I'll tell you who's crazy. The people from the great state of Ohio who sent

to Washington.

Hey, uh, let's talk over here where it's a little less stupid.

So, Drew, what happened?

Well, I just let a lot of stuff get to me, but I'm fine now.

Matter of fact, you'd be amazed all the stuff you can learn in a mental

institution. Like how to hold a pill under your tongue all day without

swallowing it.

Well, being locked up agrees with you. You look great.

Thanks.

You too. So, uh, how are things?

Well, I got divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Oh, no, no, no. Actually, I'm better off.

I guess you must have realized your mistake and let me go, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I kind of did.

I don't like Drew talking to her. He's still emotionally fragile.

What do you think she's doing here?

I don't know, but she's looking good. She's always had a hold on him.

Even when she was so fat it obscured her gender.

After my marriage broke up, I realized how much I missed you.

Really? Yeah, I mean, you always treated me so great, you know? I mean, you

always accepted me for who I was, who I am. I am still alive.

You shouldn't be talking in the bathtub.

My ex was a freaking grammar police.

Well, I ain't that, baby.

So, uh, did you really come here just to see I?

Yes.

Well, I'm glad you did. I really missed you, too.

Yeah, so, um, are you seeing anybody?

Well, I had a couple of sponge baths in the institution that meant something to

me, but apparently I was crazy.

Look at the way he's looking at her. This can't be good.

But she's married.

Yeah, well, maybe she's trying to charm him out of money or something. Just

don't trust her.

I think I have a way to get him out of this. Guys, follow my lead. Right.

This never goes well. No.

You know, I thought seeing you again would be weird, but it was really kind

nice.

Hey, Drew!

Someone's letting the air out of your... Actually, it's the car next year's.

Oh, no, it's getting the crap beaten out of him.

I think me and Nikki are going to set me off, and I'm fine. I don't need an

emotional babysitter.

You want us to go?

Not the face!

No, no, go back to the face!

Sorry.

My friend just thought I was going to do something stupid.

So listen, um... Do you want to get married?

What?

I said, do you want to get married?

Yes.

To me?

No,

seriously, to me?

Yes, Drew.

Come on, we went out for a year, and it was great. I should have married you

back then.

That's exactly how I feel about you.

Wait,

wait, wait, wait.

Drew, I mean, you did have kind of a rough summer. I mean, are you sure about

this? I mean, maybe this is some sort of reaction to that. No, no, no. I had a

lot of time to think, and being with someone I love is very important to me.

I love you, Nikki.

Let's get married right now.

Oh, this is going to be so great. I love you so much.

I'm going to treat you like a queen. I'm going to give you everything you want.

Hey, listen, can you loan me 50 bucks?

Hey,

hey, I found a picture we can put on Drew's missing person poster. Oh, great.

You know, he's been gone for a couple days. He didn't take his razor with him.

I'll add some beard stubble.

What? He didn't take his toothbrush. I'll blacken out his teeth.

I left his soap here. I'll add some stink lines. Okay.

And he might have become a pirate.

Let's find a picture of Kate and pretend she's missing. Okay.

I can't find Drew, and the only number I have for Nikki is disconnected.

Well, he isn't with Nikki. She's a married woman. He wouldn't be with a

woman.

Unless she's using Drew to get her husband out of the picture, if you know

I mean.

Drew is a divorce lawyer?

It doesn't make any sense. It takes years to get a law degree.

Not in Mexico.

So you're saying Drew ran off and became a Mexican divorce lawyer?

Es posible, no?

Drew is not a Mexican divorce lawyer!

Drew didn't shoot himself back into the mental hospital.

It's not like him to just disappear.

I'm really worried about him because... Why does Drew look like a smelly pirate?

We were just trying to get our mind off what might have happened.

It's so weird.

You know, when I saw Drew with Nikki, I know she's married, but I actually got

jealous.

When he was gone all summer, I really missed him.

I think I'm still in love with him.

Well, Kate, if you really feel that way, the next time you see him, you should

tell him.

I don't know. What if he doesn't feel the same way about me?

Are you kidding? He's always loved you, and he's going on and on about how he

wants to settle down. Your timing couldn't be more perfect.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

No, I'm still mad at you.

a dog on the road wasn't the worst thing we'd see today.

What you saw here today is a gift.

Yeah, sure, a gift.

Look what that car gave that dog.

I want you to gouge out my short -term memory.

Think about you.

Everybody, meet the new Mrs. Drew Carey.

But you're already married.

I got divorced.

Oh, really?

And who was your lawyer, Senior Carey?

Guys, you just got married. Isn't anybody going to congratulate me?

Congratulations.

Yeah, we realized we still loved each other, so we drove to Pennsylvania to

the knot.

Because you really don't know someone until you spend 500 miles in a car with

them.

Well, I know I made 45 of those miles go pretty quickly for you.

Sorry I didn't get to see Pittsburgh, honey.

Well, this is good news.

Welcome to the family, Nikki.

Thank you.

Ow!

What'd you do that for?

I thought that's what brothers do. You hit me when I got married.

It's because you married Mimi.

I got off easy. According to the Bible, I could have stoned you to death.

Well, I guess I better get my...

Stop and get going upstairs.

Isn't it ironic? One Carrie marriage begins while another founders.

Oh, Drew told me. Listen, I'm sure things will work out between you and

hope so.

She sure is special.

You know, when they made her, they broke the mold.

Heard the mold shot itself.

Drew, we're happy for you, but are you sure about this?

Yeah, I know it's sudden, but we really do love each other.

Hey, I got to tell Kate the good news. She called me in the car and said she

wanted to meet me downtown to tell me something you know what it's all about.

Hey. Huh?

Can I talk to you in the kitchen? Oh, yeah, sure.

As soon as Kate sees Drew, she's going to tell him that she loves him. That

could be humiliating for her.

Maybe we should just tell Drew how Kate feels about him. Well, that'd be

humiliating for her, too. Maybe he'll tell her he's already married before she

says anything.

I know one thing we should have done. What?

We should have told Drew to wait. He already left to meet Kate.

Damn.

Do you think seeing Mimi like that will do any permanent damage?

I'll tell you one thing. I'm not gay.

I'm sure as hell not straight anymore either.

Hey.

I'm just going to come right out and say this. If I don't say it now, I never

will. I love you.

I've always loved you, and I think you've always loved me.

I want to have a family with you, Drew.

City Hall's right next door. Will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes, I'll marry you, Kate.

Can I help

you? Good news.

We found your friend down at the Dax.

Oh, man.

Can't believe we lost Drew's house to a pirate.

You never think it's going to happen to you.