Original subtitles

A playground full of happy children, unaware that a monster lurks among them.

Its name?

Cooties.

Hi, I'm Drew Carey.

Every year, over three million of our young people contract cooties because

don't know the facts.

Fact! You can't get cooties from a toilet seat.

Fact! You can't get cooties from a swing.

How do you get cooties?

By talking to or coming in contact with...

A member of the opposite sex.

I thought it was okay to talk to Bobby Bishop.

He didn't look like the kind of boy who carried cooties.

Fact. All boys have cooties.

Here at the Center for Imaginary Disease Control, we're working around the clock

to find a cure.

Ten years and 60 million dollars later, here's what we've learned.

The most virulent strain comes when you're touched by a boy or girl who

likes you.

So please support your local Cooties Foundation.

And with your help, someday we'll be able to say to Cooties, yeah, yeah,

you're it.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland

Living in sin with a safety pin go Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks,

Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks.

Congratulations. You're a cheerleader.

You're going to get whatever you want in your life because you're pretty and,

let's face it, limber.

Now, cheerleading isn't just for high school. It's a skill you'll use

your whole life.

As your new president, I promise a bipartisan approach. Hey, hey,

can all just kiss my ass. Just kiss it.

Pucker up and kiss it.

I might walk a little funny, but my walk is me. I might start it when I talk,

but I say what I see. I don't want to be with every other little thing that's

proven. I do a lot of things that I shouldn't be doing.

I'm doing everything you might have had in mind. I'm a consistent, belligerent,

solidified mind.

Rhyme's no freak, suburban star. I ain't got no money and I got no car.

I might make far, but it don't take much. You gotta ride very far, cause the

ride on luck. I stay pretty stuck in the rut like I should. You know, I do

prefer the love of everything that's still good.

I don't know why I come here, but I know I'll never leave.

It's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why I come here, but I know I'll never leave.

It's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh,

I'm a long way gone, but I ain't short -lived I got deep, deep pockets that

like a sieve I get one ticket throughout the course of the night If I don't go

home, you know I did things right I'd like to see my dad die I ain't that guy.

Everything I ever did, I always did on the fly. I like to ride the wave.

It ain't that tough. Piling through a lot of stuff, I do just enough.

I drive in a place you might see up there. There ain't nothing you can ever

to make me give up.

Stay pretty stuck in the rut like I should. You know, I do it for the love

everything that's still good.

Don't know why I come here, but I know I never leave.

It's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why I come here, but I know I'd never leave.

It's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like to sit down and do them bars, but my street car straight don't stretch

too far.

On the move, going nowhere fast, and you can tell the whole world they kiss

my... I'll take a pass, be the last in line. If it takes ten years, I'm gonna

just fine.

Oh, I saw the signs, the grass ain't green. If I love, then the bottom of a

bottle of bean.

To go McLean just seems so jaded. If being undirected's underrated, but I

hate it. I'll stay stuck in the rut like I should, and I do it for the love of

everything that's still good.

Don't know why I come here, but I know I never leave.

It's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why I come here, but I know I never leave.

I don't know why I come here, but I know I never leave.

I don't know why I come here, but I know I never leave.

It's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Crackers! Crackers! Crackers! Crackers! Crackers! Crackers!

What's a three -letter word for an Asian mammal?

I don't know.

Yak.

Yep, that's what I have.

Hey, rookie, have a seat.

You're going back to high school.

What? Yep.

You're going undercover.

Word on the street is some students at Central High are experimenting with

illegal drugs.

If we stop it here, perhaps we can keep it from spreading to our nation's

treasured jazz musicians.

Wow. So I'm finally going undercover.

That's right. From now on, you're just another student.

What's up, Gene?

What's the dillio?

Man, those threads are the bitch.

Yo,

yo, my homies. I would like to purchase some marijuana cigarettes.

What are you, crazy man? You're a cop.

Please. Would a police officer wear his hat like this?

This is great.

According to your report, nobody in high school is using drugs.

No, nobody.

They fornicate like rabbits, but no drugs.

Okay, well, we have a new assignment for you.

According to an anonymous tip, the mob is involved in some illegal activities.

Please. Would a police officer be wearing a fedora? Forget about it.

Thank you.

It was juvenile.

It was something wild.

Part of every child.

Yeah, you had to be there. Tough and tough.

It was peace and love.

All of the above.

Yeah, you had to be there.

I can't stand so full of it.

Don't tell me.

It's something that you never knew.

You strangers ain't a stranger.

Always reaching for the other hand.

You were hard to understand.

It was you and I.

It was something wild. Part of every child.

Yeah, you had to be there for Santa.

It was peace and love, all of the above.

Yeah, yeah, that's what we did.

Hello everybody.

At the water.

I want you to stay with me.

Get to be there.

Get to be there.

Get to be there.

You had to be there.

You had to be there. You had to be there. It was juvenile.

It was something wild. Part of every child.

Yeah, you had to be there. Tough and tough.

It was peace and love.

All of the above.

Yeah, you had to be there.

Juvenile. It was something wild. Part of every child.

Yeah, you had to be there.

Tough and tough.

It's for peace and love, all of the above.

Yeah, you have to be there.

This is a little awkward.

It's okay, Mimi. I'm over you. I've moved on.

Look me in the eye and tell me that.

I can't.

Peter, I'm married now.

You've got to get on with your life.

How can I forget you when I have to look at this every day?

Ten minutes in a bathroom in a state park. Get over it.

Whiskey.

Hey, Julie.

Looking good today?

Hey, Julie.

Would you like to dance?

Oh, no.

Ah, what a time to get a zit.

Ah,

ah, ah.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, my friend.

Who are you?

I'm just a pimple about town who's forgotten more about women than you will

know. Now, if you want to win over this Julie, you better listen to me.

First of all... It's Julie

right now.

What do you think?

Ah, say, she's a pretty lass.

Reminds me of a whitehead I dated back in 42.

Now, let's onward to victory.

Hi, Julie.

Max. Tell her her eyes are as crystal blue as the Mediterranean.

I don't know.

Don't worry. I'll be right here.

Um... Your eyes are as crystal blue as the Mediterranean.

Max, that's so sweet.

It worked.

The deal is closed. Now yank your panties down.

What?

Did I stutter?

Yank and spank, my boy.

Yank and spank. I don't want to do that. I don't want to yank and spank.

What are you talking about?

Well, my zit wants me to yank your panties down and spank you.

Your zit?

Yeah, see, look.

Gross.

Gross, am I? Kill her, Max. Kill her.

Unless it wants me to kill you, you'd better run.

You'd better run, you snobbit, or I swear by all that's holier!

Hey, look, it's Sugar Ray.

Hold on, I'll stay here by your side. We head up to the sky, then we'll slide

back down.

Upside down, try to figure out.

Not sure if we can work it out. I wanna be alone, but you feel

like home.

It's the fall, I know that you're home.

I wanna get you alone and do it again, do it again.

Answer the phone, I am at your home.

I wanna get you alone and do it again, do it again.

The signals are flashing red. It doesn't matter what we say.

This bed is much too big without me and you.

This all seems so ridiculous.

Why can't we just get over this?

Don't make me say the obvious without you. Answer

the phone.

I know that you're home.

I want to get you alone.

And do it again.

Do it again.

And stop the phone.

I know that you're home.

I want to get you alone.

And do it again.

Do it again.

I practiced all my life to tell him why he was sleeping.

I practiced all my life to tell him why he was sleeping.

I practiced all my life to tell him why he was sleeping.

I practiced all my life to tell him why he was sleeping.

I

want

to get you.

Do it again, yeah!

Do it again, do it again I wanna do it again, do it again Come on, do

it again, do it again I wanna do it again, do it again

ready to go back to my house?

You know, the Drew Carey show is a big show. I seem to get a hotel for us.

Yeah, you'd think.

So do you have a guest room for us?

Nope. Extra beds?

Nope.

So we're not going to get any sleep tonight?

Nope.

You look like a woman on Peter Frampton's chest.

Yep. Let's go.

I'm going to do something later that's going to need a little drum roll.

Hi, everybody. Hope you had a good time tonight.

You know, we make fun of teachers in school a lot tonight. I just want to be

serious just for a moment.

You know, teachers in America are one of our most valuable resources.

The sad fact is that they're overworked and underpaid, and they deserve a lot

more respect than they get.

Except for one.

This is Irene Freeman, my grade school teacher from Cleveland, Ohio.

You suck! Freeman!

I don't know if you're still alive or not, but if you're not, I hope you're in

hell, and they have television there, and my show's on 24 hours a day.

Right, here.

This is this, Freeman.

Look there.

Spooch on that.

You know something else? I was right.

You don't need math after you graduate. I don't use math.

Anyway, that's your show. Good night.

Hey! Hey, Drew, what's up, man? Hey, Drew, we're having a great wrap party,

Everybody's going to be there, beautiful women, and all the free beer you can

drink. Oh, cool. Just tell me where it is. I'm there. All right, check it out.

We're going to take a train from Cleveland to Chicago, traveling 30 miles

hour, and after 50 minutes, we're going to get off, and that's where the party

is. We'll see you there.

All right.

Hi,

Mom.

Yeah, hey.

Sorry to bother you during West Wing, but, uh...

I was on a train from Cleveland to Chicago, and I was going 30 miles an

and I gave up.

Hi, Chewie.

You!

Spit out that gum.

When I was 16 on a really hot summer day, I'd wrap my lips around one of

and...

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