Original subtitles

All right, Jenny, I'll just get us some bait. We'll go down the old fishing

hole. Well, hurry up. The limo's waiting.

Drew, what are you doing dressed like that? We've got a show to do.

Come on, man. I'm on vacation.

I don't want to go back to work yet. Besides, I've got Jenny McCarthy to go

fishing with.

Well, you know, we don't have to do a regular episode. We could do something

new. Get some bands, do some sketches, you know, give it a back -to -school

thing. That sounds like really fun. Hey, Jenny, you want to do a sketch show?

Look, Drew, it's your money. If you want me to go fishing or do a sketch show,

whatever.

We already started.

Damn it, Ryan, I'm drunk. I'm just like a hillbilly.

That's just actor talk for Let the Show Begin.

happening, Doc? My voice is getting deeper. I'm growing hair all over my

I'm scared.

Well, you're becoming a man.

Except for that scared crab baby crap.

Rob Roy, son.

You're going through puberty, which is why we have to talk about your changing

body. My what?

Your changing body.

Drew.

You just turned 13 and hormones are being released and that sleeping giant

your pants is awakened and it's angry.

Is that why I enjoy roughhousing with my dog so much? What kind of dog?

It's called a retriever.

Handsome breed.

Wow, so everything that's happened to me is normal?

Perfectly normal.

You just stay away from wild dancing, cigarettes, and rock and roll.

You'll be just fine.

You got it, Doc.

All this energy calling me back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips.

Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Living in sin with safety bent. Cleveland

Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

Ohio!

Boys,

welcome to Woodshop.

There is only one rule in here and one rule only.

Safety first.

Take your eyes off the thought. for a second, you could lose a finger.

Lose an arm. But hey, I'm not here to scare you.

You, spit out that gum.

See? That's why I never take these goggles off.

Well, that and I have no hands.

Jeremy, Bob, roll me over to the band saw.

Easy there.

I'm not glued to this thing.

All right.

Put that board in my mouth. Fire up that baby and push me towards the blade.

Good. Good.

A little left. Left. Left. No, no. No.

Damn it, Jeremy.

I have half a mind.

Look what I said.

No, I'm going to play with the guys.

Get lost, small fry.

He calls me a small fry now.

But if I keep drinking milk, I won't be a small fry anymore.

Because milk builds strong bones and teeth.

And eventually, I'll look like this.

Hey, you're looking good.

You want to go out? I'd like to, but I can't seem to stop this accelerated

process.

What's happening to me?

Whoa. Milk. It does a body good.

Unless it's mixed with sudden accelerated aging powder.

How's it going?

Hey, okay.

Hey, is that your nose -operated Lincoln Navigator out there?

The green one?

Yeah, that's mine. Why?

Somebody parked behind you. You're blocked in.

Should have known when my water heater exploded this morning this was going to

be a crappy day.

I know what'll take your mind off your troubles.

Little TV.

I won't be the price you want.

I won't be your master weapon or your all -night

restaurant.

I will, I will, I will be your everything if you make

me feel.

I will, I will, I will be the cross for faith. You know

I will.

But I won't be your crutch to lean on.

I won't wear a little heel.

I won't walk a mile in your shoes.

Just so I know how it feels.

I won't be your obligation.

I won't be your by the door.

I won't be the port.

I will

be

your

lifetime girlfriend.

I won't be just one of the guys.

Don't you know what you need?

What? You need a couple of really hot male backup singers.

Do you happen to know any?

Do we?

Stand back, please.

You're going to stand behind us and sing our name over and over again.

For $1 million a year. Yes.

We'll give you $100 to go away.

$100?

I don't think so.

Shit, Daisy.

Shit, Daisy.

Shit, Daisy.

Daisy, Daisy, Daisy.

I can't believe Monday is our first day of high school.

I'm really bummed.

I'm going to be a freshman and I've never even kissed a boy.

What?

It's not so weird. I've never kissed a boy either.

Oh, my gosh.

Not even Mr. Gardner, the science teacher?

No.

Wow.

How'd you pass science?

This is horrible.

I mean, boys are going to know I've never kissed anyone before.

I know. I heard high school boys are really picky. They won't just kiss

Well, why don't you guys practice?

On who?

On each other. My two moms, they do it all the time.

That's a great idea.

You wanna? Okay.

Is anyone going to yell cut?

Yeah.

What's the point of this sketch? I mean, I don't see what's funny about it.

Me neither. All Jenny and I are doing is making out.

You're right. You know, we were just trying to do something a little

and experimental.

You know, a little French. Tilt the camera a little bit.

Turned out a little, you know, exploitation -y.

So, you know, we'll not do it anymore. We'll just stop it.

Will you forgive me?

Yeah.

This is

our back -to -school special.

We have a responsibility to use this hour to enlighten and educate.

All right. I'm sorry.

You want to enlighten and educate? Write your own educational sketch.

All right. We will. Fine.

And that's what I will do to keep the union together.

Thank you.

Mr. Lincoln.

Four score and seven years ago, I had an amazing freaking body.

Now you see why humans are great at preaching.

65 yards and scored the winning touchdown.

Wow. I love athletes.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

What's the matter?

Oh, this old sports -related injury of mine is acting up.

Wow, how'd you do that?

High school.

Football? What else?

I don't want to talk about it.

It was the winner of 76.

It was an away game.

I've been trying to get into this state championship my entire life.

When this season first started, we were a joke. We were nothing. We were lower

than a boil on a snake's ass. We were a spineless, pestering toilet of failure.

Yeah, we sucked. No, that's losing time.

You're champions.

Oh, they might be bigger and stronger and faster than you all, but you all got

hot. Especially you, Jimmy. You got the heart of a lion.

Well, actually, it's a pig's heart, coach.

Yeah, well, whatever.

The point is, your body is slowly rejecting it, so this may be your last

You make it count, because this team ain't going to a loser's funeral. Are we

team? No!

My God, they're loving it.

We're going all the way.

We

lost

the man. We'll never win now.

I can do it.

That's a square.

Spray it.

This is disinfectant.

Merlin, some ribbon.

I could go either way.

Come on!

So then this 280 -pound linebacker came at me, nailed me. Right here.

I know you're not a football player.

Huh? I'll find a flashback.

Is there anything I can do to impress you?

Well, you could introduce me to that band over there.

Smash Mouth? Jenny McCarthy.

Jenny McCarthy?

Smash...

California in a state one Pacific Coast party If you get to

work today Get yourself a new vocation Pacific Coast party

You don't have to mind Top of town, mother nature Just cut the line,

think yourself And watch it slip away

Quick, your pitch in, bite your tongue, save it for a rainy day, son.

The Santa Claus Party.

Get your ticket, pack your bags, come and join the celebration.

The Santa Claus Party.

If you want to find peace of mind, come and get it. Get your top in line, take

your time, and watch yourself away.

The Santa Claus Party.

Hey, I heard somebody say, well, why don't you play?

But I never missed a single tape. Bonnie Wood, I never heard of Wood. I turned

the other way.

Pacific Coast Bonnie.

Come on, man.

You don't have to mind all the time. You don't have to mind all the time.

Get yourself in line. Take your time. And watch your step away.

Hey, I heard somebody say, what kind of game you play?

But I never missed a single day. I thought it was.

I never heard a word.

I've come the other way.

Hey, I heard somebody say Work harder than you think Thought I'd never miss a

single day Party, what?

I never heard a word I've turned the other way Pacific Coast

Party Pacific Coast Party Pacific Coast Party

Pacific Coast Party

Thank you.

Hello!

Have you guys ever thought about recording a speed metal version of

Lightfoot's The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald?

No.

I'm good.

Because I'm going to do it. And if I find out that you did it, I'll kill you.

Who scored in my foot?

I don't know.

Hey, Orville. Hey, Henry. Thanks for coming over to hang with me.

The risk game's all set up. I got red.

Pepsi's in the freezer getting fleshy just like we like it. That's great,

Is your mom home?

Yeah, she's in the kitchen.

Hey, where are you going? You're going to miss the reading of the rules.

Hey, Mom, what's going on?

grab this can.

Ask me again, but use my name.

My goodness, Henry.

You seem to grow an inch every time I see you.

Want to go for two?

Anybody want a freeze pop?

Your mom does.

You know what this reminds me of?

Oh, God, yes.

I was 16 on a really hot summer day.

I'd wrap my lips around one of these.

Oh, wow.

I gotta go home and change.

No, don't leave.

Yeah, you're about the same size as me.

Hey, maybe you can get into my pant.

Do women ever explode?

My dad says, yeah, but it takes forever.

Honey, pizza's here.

Pizza? Yeah.

So then the 280 -pound linebacker came at me.

Nailed me. Shelby Warren. Right here.

Oh, my God. I didn't even recognize.

the flashback. Okay.

You! Spit out that gum.

Towel, please.

Your mom does.

You know what this reminds me of?

Oh, God.

hot summer day, I'd wrap my lips around one of these and...

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