Original subtitles

Previously on the Drew Carey Show. They approved your proposal for the new

woman's store.

It's a woman's store. If anybody should manage it, it should be me.

You don't know anything about managing a store.

Even less about being a woman.

How was work today?

Funniest thing happened, though. You wouldn't believe it.

Man, I can skate in life. I went insane.

You're up for some part -time jobs at Fred's Fireworks. Fred's Fireworks?

that place blow up last month?

Yeah, and a lot of new jobs opened up.

Firecrackers are the birds. What birds?

Oh, I think they were birds. I couldn't see their faces, but I heard their

voices. I think they were up in the trees. They were making fun of me.

I can't believe you guys shooting Roman candles off at each other your first day

of work.

Look at me. I'm in a psych ward.

You're getting hauled off to the Ha Ha House as an unexpected treat.

shown up for work. He didn't go to the Warsaw last night for the beer bust.

I mean, where could he be?

Wait a minute.

Warsaw?

Beer?

I know.

I want a beer.

I know you're experimenting with

different eyebrows.

Why is the salmon browser starting to smell?

Maybe aliens took Drew.

They do have quotas on abductions, just like motorcycle cops.

Yeah, if they don't probe the requisite amount of anuses, it's back to teaching

high school drama.

You know what? I'm worried about Drew.

It's not like him to disappear two days before the new store is going to open. I

mean, he's Mr.

Responsible. President of the Responsibility Club.

Speedy, what's the matter?

I think he's trying to tell us something.

Where's Drew, boy?

Stick to yes or no questions.

This is very important.

Is Drew in a situation where we need to call a specific authority, i .e. the

FBI, or an international authority like Interpol?

Know anything or he's too scared to talk.

Look at this.

Who blew up all the fireworks we were saving?

Who's a dummy? Who's a dummy?

What the hell?

Give me your gun.

Fireworks and a parrot that wants a handgun.

What the hell went on here?

Something diabolical.

Diabolical yet festive.

All right, Lewis.

and Oswald go down to the police station and see if they know anything. I'll

check the hospitals. We'll meet back here in two hours.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why are you giving orders?

Fine. What do you want to do, boss?

All right. First, we need someone to check out the police stations.

I'll go on my own.

Kate, I've got something for you.

You check out all the hospitals, all right?

I'll be back here in 120 minutes.

will be done.

I mean, he's going to pay for what you did to me.

I don't know if it's right for me to do this.

I can't do it. I'm in a straitjacket. They think I'm violent.

But every time I break the rules, they make me wear the electric hat.

I break the rules too, Earl.

I'm giving you my pudding.

I'm going to save the pudding for after they put on the electric hat.

If I eat it before, I won't remember.

Hey!

Let me see what you got to do. Hold on. Just a couple more numbers. Just press

nine now.

Nine. No, no, that's six. I've been doing it all day. It's very confusing.

It's very confusing. Just the nine. There you go. Nine.

Nine. Oh, thank you.

Zero.

Zero.

Yes! You did it! You did it!

Now,

remember when the English man answers the phone, you put the phone in my...

He knows the board are coming over to check out the new store.

Doggone it.

I said to Drew, now that you're a hot shot manager, you don't need drugs to

you feel like a big man.

I said, listen.

Well, he better get here soon. The board want to know all the details about the

big opening, and I don't know any. Nobody tells me anything.

The caterers are here at 7.

9 a .m. the doors open to the media, and 10 a .m. kicks off the big fashion

show.

Well, I may ask you to fill in as store manager.

Moi? This is so out of the blue, Mr. Wick. So unorchestrated by me. I'll

consider that a verbal contract.

Get that for me, would you, Mimi? If it's anyone but a man who likes pudding,

tell him I'm busy.

Nigel Wick, fun foreigner.

Hello, hello, hello.

It's me, old Mike Wick there.

and he'll be back. He's got the craziest hours.

Besides, it's nuts around here. You know, nuts like when a guy hears birds

tries to blow them up with firecrackers.

He's probably gone.

Who is it, Mimi?

Oh, hippies from PBS trying to get a handout.

This is my only phone call. Mimi, please.

For the love of God, if you have an ounce of humanity in you, you'll...

I find our buddy here, Drew Carey.

You may know him as... Yes.

Yes, we have him here.

Are you family?

Hell no.

Are you crazy?

The guy got himself locked up in a nut house.

He's probably walking a piece of furniture now.

So can we see him?

The only people who get through that door are family members or patients.

How can we become patients?

You can voluntarily admit yourself, but not just anybody can be a patient. You

have to see a doctor first.

We have really good insurance.

Welcome to the Mary Todd Lincoln Mental Institute.

I'm not Larry King, all right?

Larry King's on TV.

How can you be on TV and here at the same time?

I taped that show earlier today.

All right, if you're Larry King, then what's Angie Dickinson really like?

A dynamite lady.

Ten pounds of glass and a five -pound sack.

Hey, buddy.

Thank God you guys are here. You can get me out of this place. Is it just me, or

does Ann Miller have a great set of gams?

It's about time.

What did you get in here? Mimi set me up so she could take over the store.

Alice, you have to get me a lawyer tonight. Get me out of here by tomorrow.

Oh, we can't do that. We checked ourselves in. We're patients now.

Look at us, huh?

The three musketeers.

We're patients. What the hell were you thinking?

Well, we wanted to see you and make sure you're all right.

And they wouldn't let us visit because we're not family. So it was either this

or wait until tomorrow for non -family visiting day.

If your patient's here and you're locked in here with me, then how are you going

to get me out?

Whoops.

Quentin and I win.

Hey, that's not fair.

Where were the psych ward rules when we were playing Scrabble and my partner ate

all the vowels?

Oh, Drew, you smell awful.

Try to sneak out in the garbage truck, which would have been a lot easier if

of you would learn to eat your macaroni and cheese.

Cheer up, buddy. Look, I drew a picture of you.

Do you like it?

Yeah, that's pretty much me now.

I found through the window.

Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew!

Drew! Drew!

Drew!

Drew!

Drew!

Drew!

So if you're going to give anybody an angry bath, it should be me.

So come on, soak me up, you big German man -woman.

I like the size of your shoes.

All right, but it better be a hard scrubbing. I'm not fully sane until I'm

zestfully sane.

I'm not like you and Lewis. I wasn't meant to live like this.

I want to help you, buddy. What can I do?

Smuggle me on that.

The bald guy?

That's a great idea.

We'll kill him, scoop him out, and then put you inside him. And then you walk

out of here wearing him like a suit.

No, no, no. I meant the laundry cart. Oh, thank God. I didn't want to kill

guy. He showed me a picture of his kids.

If we get caught, there's no telling what they'll do to us.

Don't worry, buddy. You'd do the same for me.

Yeah. Thanks, Oswald.

You know, I kiss you, but it doesn't take much to get these guys going.

Oswald, Lewis, are you here?

Damn it, you're supposed to meet me two hours ago.

Stop by Doris' Video World and pick up Flesh Peddler 3.

They'll only hold it for a couple of days.

You know,

Drew just wanted to be snuck out on a laundry cart. He didn't say anything

a bomb.

Hey, we need a hole big enough to push a laundry cart through, all right?

to break out of a mental institution once in his life. Don't you want to make

special?

ingredients from the gardener's shed.

Don't they keep that stuff locked up?

Well, yeah, duh. It's a mental institution.

Lock up the cotton balls.

That's why we lifted the janitor's keys.

This is the master key. It opens every door in the place.

Why don't we just...

I'm a good squeezer.

That's all I know how to do.

Constitution, I'm going to miss your angry baths.

Wait!

Wait, come back!

I'm in a town! I'm in a bad neighborhood!

Wait!

It's not my fault. It's your fault.

What are you kidding? You're the one that said Drew was in the back of the

Very good, Miss Murple. You caught an idiot in a lie. Bravo!

We have to do something. Let's just tell Woody the truth.

No, we can't do that. Then he'll think Drew's crazy and he'll lose his new job.

Maybe his old job, too.

So for now, let's just relax, enjoy some champagne, and see what Milan has to

offer this year.

She's in my beer company.

She's everywhere.

Which one is the real me?

So I'll just kill all of you.

I'm afraid Mr. Carey is suffering from prolonged duress stress disorder.

Oh, that's horrible.

What's it mean?

His hatred for this meanie person has caused him to lose contact with reality.

Oh, my God.

How long does he have?

from something like this.

Oh.

Then why all the drama?

He's gonna come out of it, though, right?

We'll do everything we can to help, but there's really no way of knowing.

Hey, Todd, it looks like he's trying to say something.

Yes, it is true.

I don't know it's real anymore.

You're real, Drew.

Look in here and say, I believe in me.