Original subtitles

Hey, good morning.

Good morning.

Wasn't making love outside great?

Yeah. I love the feel of the wind on my ass.

I'd appreciate it if you kept that between you and me.

Now do you see why I'm so passionate about saving the environment?

Yeah, yeah, I never appreciated the beauty of my pool table and garage

Why do people go to the Grand Canyon when they can just come here?

You know, I never met somebody so passionate about saving things before,

it's really sexy.

Hey, how many spotted owls are left again?

Only like 250, damn it. Oh, yeah.

I can't wait to be with you the day they go extinct.

Maybe not. When I get really upset, I hit.

Yeah, keep talking.

Hey, are you seeing anybody else right now?

No.

Well, neither am I. You want to keep it that way?

Drew, are you asking me to go steady?

Well, if you do, I'll win the big game for you.

All I can say is don't move or it's really going to stick around here.

Come on, we're going steady now. You don't have to worry about that stuff.

No, I'm not.

Drew, there's a skunk right there.

Oh, wow.

I know why the skunk is here. Because we were making ze love.

Don't worry.

All we have to do is just be very quiet and not scare it, and he'll just finish

the food and he'll go away.

Oh.

All right.

Ah,

jeez, what are you, crazy? Not now.

What? You watch them on the Nature Channel all the time.

About time we returned the favor. Hey, watch and learn, little buddy. Watch and

learn.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude.

This is where you're going to be working.

You know, a lot of people don't even like to work in the toy department,

Oh, don't worry.

I love kids.

Well, it's not the kids. It's the electric eye. See, uh, every time

comes into the room... It's open!

Trust me, we need it, because I had my face buried in the books all night.

All right, here's what we do. First we burn the books, then we rebury your

Got it. You want more spit in your coffee on Monday.

Okay, moving along.

Here's my idea for making money for BuzzFeed. Has everybody forgotten my

We go to the site of every alcohol -related celebrity death and sprinkle

beer bottles around.

Okay, we got that.

Or we could use my idea, which is... to invite local bar owners over for a

barbecue and to sample Buzz Beer.

Wow, hey, that's a great idea.

Well, I'll start chasing down some leads on the barbecue.

You know, I hate paying retail for meat.

Yeah, why buy meat when you just kill it with one swipe of your mighty paw?

Drew, if your brake line should snap tonight and you would plunge to a fiery

death?

protesting at drug co the other day you know this styrofoam cup should fit

nicely in a whale's blowhole oh my

god look

at this toy my first delicatessen tiny hands and roast beefs

it even has a meat slicer you know this teaches kids that it's okay to do

terrible things to animals.

Well, you know what it's teaching kids.

They can still get a pastrami sandwich for only 85 cents.

I'll put a three in front of that.

It's still a bargain, but at least you're not in dreamland, huh?

This says that it's normal and natural to eat animals and that a cow's life is

less important than a man's.

I gotta go with the toy on that one.

Cows are stupid.

They stand around naked in their crap all day.

I only did that because I got lost at Oktoberfest.

Aren't you upset about this? I mean, look at the box.

A smiling pig serving up its own feet.

Doesn't seem to bother him. Why should it bother you?

Hey, guys, my sex giver is not laughing. Please leave.

I'm sorry. They were just joking around.

No, I mean, they're your friends. You shouldn't have to apologize for them.

That's who they are. That's who you are.

Oh.

You're dumping me, huh?

Relax, Drew. You're so sensitive.

I was just joking around.

But... I knew it! I knew it!

I don't want to break up.

It's just that I've never been able to make anything work for very long with

someone who wasn't committed to the same things I am.

So what do you mean? You want me to be like you?

Well, you don't have to go that far, but it would be nice if you started to care

about the world around you.

Oh, you mean like separating my cans from my bottles before I toss them out

window of my car?

Well... I would never do that. Never do that. From now on.

I mean, come on. Haven't you ever been passionate about anything?

Yes. My hatred of the XFL.

You know, I guess I can care a little bit about the... environment but what do

you want me to do wear a hemp suit where have you been i've been waiting here

for hours i walked home from work no pollution no waste of natural resources

and it only took four and a half hours

that's an interesting

suit

Did you eat the last potato in the bag and think, hey, why do laundry?

It's part of my new passionate caring about the earth lifestyle.

Made out of hemp.

It's got the stylishness of burlap with the feel of sandpaper.

See, Rachel made me a sandwich here. It's got whole grain bread.

Lettuce, tomato, pine nuts, sprouts.

Now, is it tasty?

Jerry, you're doing that thing that Speedy does when he eats grass.

Then quick, drag me outside.

I was hoping to leave her in the car.

Did someone throw a beer bottle at you on the way home from work?

No.

Crap, that means there's two suits like that out there somewhere.

Well, we picked up all the meat for the barbecue.

Mimi has a friend who has a farm outside of town. Yeah, place is really cool.

You got to pick the cow your meat came from.

We could decide which one to choose, and one stepped on my foot, and bingo.

Her name was Janet. She had big brown eyes.

They're in here.

What's in the bag, Oswald?

Oh, as an animal lover, you'll appreciate this.

It's a chopped up cow.

Oh, God.

You're upset by a bag of bloody cow parts?

Why aren't you the proper lady?

Soak your meat in some juice.

Throw it freaking up.

Hey, what's all the meat for?

Oh, it's for the big buzz beer barbecue.

Where we'll be recycling.

No drift nets. We'll trap the poor old dolphins.

And every woman has a right to choose.

I walked home.

I know you did.

I mean, you made such big changes. I don't understand why you would do

this awful.

You're right, but what can I do? I mean, they're already soaking their meat.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm a little giddy. I walked home from work. I had a

for dinner.

You poor sweet man. I think I've pushed you into something you're not ready for.

No, no, no. I can do this. I can do this. We don't have to have meat at the

barbecue. Really? Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Did I leave my bone saw up here?

It's funny.

Still the eyes go right to the makeup.

Uh, there's a slight change at the barbecue, Mimi. It's not going to be any

meat. What?

Yeah, we're going to serve veggie burgers. That way nobody's hurt.

Well, we already sliced up the cow.

It's not a cow puzzle, you know. We can't put it back together.

Drew, BuzzFeed is our business, too. You don't make all the decisions.

Oh, it's my backyard.

Yeah, well, it may be your backyard, but the air above it is free. It belongs to

everyone. That's right.

So all we have to do is solve the problem of weightlessness, which has

confounded scientists for centuries, huh?

Then you'll be having a hovering barbecue an inch above your grass.

In your face.

So, sir, how would you like your veggie burger?

I came here for a barbecue.

I don't want a veggie burger.

I'm leaving.

Hold on now.

I see you're drinking Buzz beer. You know, Buzz beer can make anything taste

great. Here, take a sip.

Okay, now try the veggie burger.

This is great.

Yeah, see?

Of course it's great. That's the magic of buzz beer.

Got an ugly wife?

Matter of fact, I do.

Pour it on her.

Tell you what, I'll give it a try.

I'll take six cases of beer from my bar.

All right.

Hey, what's in these veggie burgers anyway?

Oh, you know, the usual. Nuts and berries.

But mostly cow.

Care to share an evil laugh?

Love to.

Oh, nothing. We just sold some more cases of buzz beer. Oh, great. You know,

can't believe myself, but people really love these veggie burgers.

Do I have to admit, you were right. We were wrong, as usual.

Well, I'm just glad you're not upset anymore.

Yeah. Sorry about our little beef.

Hey, the vegetarian wants another veggie burger.

Wait a minute. You're giving the burgers to Rachel?

Don't ask any questions. Just give it to her.

Mimi, I know it's my third burger, but I don't understand why you want to keep

filming me.

Well, it's hocus pocus.

You're in focus.

You're our star today.

ate bloody red meat.

Hey, what's going on?

It's beef, you idiot.

Veggie burgers don't taste this good.

I'm trying to sell beer. You don't send a vegetable out to do a cow's job.

People are horrible. I can't believe this. Rachel, wait. I had nothing to do

with this.

Rachel, wait.

Well, don't tell me you're going to go apologize.

No, I haven't.

So I've been trying to get a hold of you.

I wanted to apologize.

I don't want to talk about it. Well, let me make it up to you over lunch. I'll

take you to Tofu Town.

No more beef for my baby.

of horses, hounds, and beautiful English countryside? No.

No, this fox hunt was in the backyard of my friend's condo.

We're going to chase the little bugger around the pool, and when he gets near

the filtration system, brammo!

Rachel, aren't you going to say anything?

Whatever.

Whatever. Doesn't it bother you that he's about to kill a...

seemingly defenseless animal?

Well, who am I to judge? I eat animals that are let up a ramp to slaughter. At

least the fox has a chance to hide in the cabana.

Really? Care to join me?

After the hunt, there'll be cold cuts and Manhattans on the diving board.

Mr. Wick, this is my girlfriend.

Really?

And now that I'm eating them, what's my life about?

I can't even show my face at work. They'll get one whiff of me and know I'm

the beef.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

Make you feel better. I'll take the rest of the day off. We'll get a six -pack.

We'll go to a nice secluded spot in the park.

And I'll let you do to me what President Bush and his oil buddies are doing to

the National Forest.

I don't even feel like having sex.

It takes too much effort.

I don't have the energy.

I don't think I'll ever... have the energy to ever care about anything else.

Ever again.

Hey, Rachel.

What's up? Is she still mad at us? No, she's not mad, but she's not happy

either. She doesn't care about anything. She's us.

I could be a receptionist in a dental office.

That should put some meaning back in my life. I've always believed in teeth.

Come on, there's got to be something here you can throw yourself into.

Oh, here's one there.

Do you have what it takes to cook for the criminally insane?

Good guess.

Job's a job if you're just going through the motions.

Oh, I could stay home and lick envelopes. I could make up to $2 ,000 a

maybe even more.

Listen, if you're making $2 ,000 a week, I don't think envelopes is what you're

licking.

I was thinking of making dinner tonight.

I just need to know what cut of beef you'd like.

I don't care. I'll eat whatever you cook.

Well, I kind of want you to pick. Here, come on.

Boy, it sucks trying to meet women walking with a cow.

The type of chicks you get with a cow, you can get with anything.

Hey, Drew, did you know cows go to the bathroom while they're walking? It's a

real time saver.

Why is there a cow in your backyard?

It's what's for dinner.

So, what do you want tonight? You want the rump roast?

Prime rib?

Or if you don't want anything fancy, we just have good old, you know, meatloaf.

Look at those big, brown, beautiful eyes.

Sure, how do you want them? Scrambled? Sunny side up?

Stop it. What are you talking about?

Look, I'm just trying to show you why I became a vegetarian in the first place.

You really don't want to eat that beautiful animal, do you?

No, I don't.

I'm so sorry, Cal.

How can I make it up to you?

You can ride him back to crazy land.

Did you hear that, Cal?

We're not going to eat you. You're going to be safe.

Well, you know, it's safe for me, but it's not going to be safe for me.

What are you talking about?

Look, I'm a meat eater.

This isn't going to work.

You're meant to save the world. I'm meant to use up its resources callously.

What we're trying here is just impossible.

You're right.

I got to admit, down deep, you disgust me.

And I've had to restrain myself from slapping you.

I felt that.

Well, thanks for the cow.

Well, you know, I didn't buy the cow. I just rented them from Mimi's friend's

ranch. What are you saying? You're going to take her back to be slaughtered?

Well, you don't have to put it that way. I think if I was taking her home, I'd

get my $1 ,000 deposit back.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to take her to a no -kill shelter where she's

going to live a long and happy life. So long. Come on. Come on, sweetie.

Wow.

If I knew it was going to cost me $1 ,000, I would have got a chicken.

little bugger around the shallow end of the swimming pool with my shotgun, when

I tripped over a bottle of Coppertone and accidentally blew off my toe!

What happened to your face?

As I was crawling to safety, the furry little bastard leapt upon me, clawed my

face, and bit off one of my nipples!

He ran off with it in his mouth!

And then, just before he leapt over the fence, he turned around.

And he looked at me right in the eye.

And he wolfed it down.

Like it was personal.

You only got one baby toe, one testicle, and one nipple.

You're running out of things that God gave you two of.