Original subtitles

Boy, the Lone Ranger really let himself go.

No, I've given Drew the buzz beer taste test. We've got the old buzz beer, a

snotty import, and new buzz beer made by brewmaster Oswald Harvey.

Let's see if this enlarged liver in a suit can tell the difference.

Hmm.

Well, it's got the kick of buzz beer, but it doesn't have that awful turkey

gravy aftertaste you can never seem to get rid of.

I say it's the import.

What would you say if I told you this is the new and improved buzz beer?

Buzz beer.

When we kill a brain cell, it doesn't come back.

It is good. Do you have any more?

Well, not down here, but I have a six -pack upstairs. I'll give it to you if

cut my hair.

If you let me drink the six -pack first. You know, to make the haircut more

exciting. Okay.

You know, I don't normally come up to guys in bars, but I see someone with a

blindfold and 12 beers, and I figure I'm halfway home.

I'm Rachel Murray.

Oh, Dracarys. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Listen, I've got two tickets to see Bob Dylan tomorrow. Oh, I

get it. You're a scalper.

No, I don't like Bob Dylan, but do you have anything for the Sean and I

Don't say anything else to make me change my mind. I'm asking you out.

Oh, well, yeah, sure. I'd love to go out with you. Matter of fact, I love Bob

Dylan and Sean and I.

Blowing your mind, aren't I?

So, it's a date then. Can I get your number?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Listen, here's my home number.

Here's my work number.

Here's my cell phone number.

Here's my fax number.

It's always on.

Here's my email address.

And here's the number of a guy that lives next door to me who looks in on me

from time to time.

I'm also in the book.

Listen, I'll be right back. I just want to go check on my nacho chips.

Okay.

Koniski.

Murray. Murray.

What was that all about?

Do you know her? Yeah, she's one of those nuts that save Mother Earth that's

always picketing drug co.

Stop polluting the rivers. Don't bury your toxic waste in the park.

You know what? Maybe Mother Earth likes to be a dirty girl.

Well, she's an activist, huh? Well, thanks for the tip.

On our date, I'll pretend to have a cause.

Say, are there any bald eagles left?

Because it'd be kind of stupid to try to save them and... You know, we're all

out of them.

You can't get out with her.

She's just using you to get through to me. She wants to know all about Drugco's

secret project, which, by the way, is not illegal, okay?

People always assume that if a gigantic company is loading barrels of chemicals

on the black helicopters at midnight, it's a bad thing.

I don't know anything. If I did, I wouldn't tell her.

I mean, you're my friend.

Good, because I don't want you to let it slip out that I'm the foreman of the

hazardous waste detail, Project Falcon.

Secret location, grid 7 off of Highway 19.

All right, all right. I won't want you to get in trouble at work. I won't say

anything. I won't go out with her.

Great. Thanks, Drew.

Just for that, I'm going to get your Project Falcon jacket, huh?

It says Project Cyclops, but that's just a cover.

Look, I saw you talking to Lewis. I hope this doesn't change things.

Oh, listen, thanks for the nachos and everything, but I don't think I could go

out with you now. You know, I'm best friends with Lewis, and, you know, I

think it'd be right with you going after drug going home.

Hey, you know, I didn't even know you knew Lewis when I asked you out.

I just thought you were sexy.

You know what?

Your honesty transcends my friendship with Lewis.

It's a day.

All this energy calling me back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland rocks, Cleveland

Living in sin with a safe...

I need some help with these disability claims.

It'll be just the thing to get us through another sad, lonely Friday

Then I thought afterwards, maybe we could...

Fire up the old ham radio.

Hola, Mexico.

I'm really sorry, Mr. Wick, but I can't. I have a date tonight.

Really? You have a date?

I have a date, too.

What's yours named?

Rachel.

So is mine.

Mine really exists.

Mine is yours.

I am your boss.

Mr. Wick, you can't do that. That's against the law.

Really?

Then I do owe Rodriguez and his wife an apology.

Hey. Hey.

Is that what you're wearing on your date?

Of course not. I'm going to a concert.

I'm wearing my piano key tie.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I took the liberty of buying you some date clothes.

Oh, that's a lot, Kate.

Rachel, what's going on?

Nothing. I just saw her putting on makeup in the bathroom, and I told her a

brand of eyeshadow did animal testing.

Well, Mimi's wearing it. That is animal testing.

She yanked my eyeshadow right out of my hand and flushed it down the toilet.

Now, one eye's got the proper nine coats on it, and the other one's only got

one. I look like a freak.

Hold out as agreed. Announce official.

Mimi is a freak.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go buy more eye shadow.

This isn't over between us. I'm coming back, and hell's coming with me.

Yeah, hell follows her around, kind of like some people used to follow the

Grateful Dead.

Uh, hi.

I'm Kate. You must be Rachel. Oh, hi.

Hey, listen, uh, I'm gonna go change.

No talking about my awkward years, you know, between the ages of 6 and 38.

So, Rachel, I love your shoes.

You know, you hurt Drew, I'll beat you with them.

That is sweet. You're protective of Drew.

I don't blame you. He's really special.

Yeah, I know. He's my best friend.

Really? Yeah.

I'll bet it's hard for him to be just friends with you. You're so beautiful.

Wow.

You are so perceptive.

Hey, how come you never went out with Drew?

Actually, I did. We just broke up a few months ago.

Really? I bet he's still carrying a torch for you.

But I'm sure there are lots of guys who are.

You have no idea.

Rachel, you get me. You really get me.

I bet we'd shop well together.

Yeah, but we're not going to try on things in the same dressing room. Your

is just too perfect.

I know. Oh, it is.

Hey, so I thought maybe we could go get a bite to eat before the concert. Great.

I know this great vegetarian restaurant. If you eat dairy, they also have lacto

-ova dishes.

Or, you know, you could just give me my ticket and I'll meet you there.

You know, I like going to see old rock stars.

Music's not too loud.

Everybody's too tired to stand.

People smoke a dope through the neck.

Yeah, that rush to the stage took about ten minutes.

Hey,

this is pretty good.

I never had a buzz beer.

Oh, yeah, we own the company. Oh, you know, me and Mimi and Oswald and, well,

Lewis. But that's all I'm going to say about him.

Good, because I don't want to talk about him either.

In fact, I'm kind of tired of talking.

Oh, I get it. You'll probably have to get up early tomorrow.

Oh, you're making the first move.

Wow, that never gets old.

I've had some pretty good sex in my day, but do you have any bones in your body

at all?

Yeah, this was fun.

The last few people I've been with have been women. I was in the mood for a guy.

Oh, my God, you're bisexual.

Oh, that explains why you're so good with my nipples.

You know, I'm really sorry. I thought you were using me to get to Louis.

No, I understand. I mean, he's one of your best friends.

I'm just worried about his health.

Well, you know, Lewis told me everything was safe, so... Well, of course, that's

what Drug Co. says. I mean, employees don't like it when you tell them to lose

their hair and their teeth and their testicles.

Yeah, I mean, we found out Drug Co. is dumping some pretty dangerous stuff, and

Lewis is handling it. We just don't know where or how they're dumping it.

Oh, crap.

What do you know?

I promised Lewis I wouldn't tell anybody about anything he's doing. If he found

out, he'd kill me.

You're right, I'm being crazy.

I mean, Lewis would have to be some kind of lunatic to handle toxic waste just

so he could wear a hat that said Foreman on it.

He has a jacket, too.

Listen, he's not too smart. Would you promise to leave his name out of it?

All right, I'll see what I can do.

Okay, it's grid 7 off Highway 19.

Whew. Man, I feel so much better that I got that off my chest. I'm probably

saving my friend's life.

You should feel better.

And it's very sexy.

You know what?

In about 12 hours, I'm going to be all over you.

What a night.

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

Yes!

What are you guys doing here?

You can't be here right now. It's not a good time. You guys got to go.

Wait a minute.

Twinkle in the eye.

Six eggs on the griddle.

Speedy hiding underneath the pool table with that haunted look in his eyes.

You scored last night, huh?

Yeah, I scored last night, but when I got up this morning, I did not like what

saw. I really hit rock bottom here. You guys got to go.

Well, we got to see her now.

Well, well.

Look who it is.

Erin Brockovich.

My God, Murray, you'll stop at nothing to get what you want.

You'll even stoop so low as to sleep with Drew.

Listen, I'm just making everybody uncomfortable.

I need to get some rest anyway.

You crazy two -and -a -half -timer, you.

You told her.

You told her about Project Falcon, didn't you?

I didn't tell her nothing.

All right, I know how to make you talk.

Oswald, hold him.

Hey, what are you doing?

Tell me, or everything in this kitchen goes down my pants.

You're bluffing. Am I?

Say goodbye to Mr. Spatula. No!

of washing will get that clean.

You dirty, rotten son of... One scoop or two. Okay, I'll take it.

I told her everything.

But only because I was worried about your health. She said you were working

stuff that could kill you.

She just said that to get information out of you, Drew, and you fell for it.

You stabbed me in the back.

He's always sticking things down his pants.

Hey, have you talked to Lewis yet?

Yeah, he's still mad at me. This morning I came downstairs, I caught him

sticking my remote down his pants.

Well, I don't blame him, especially since Rachel told the EPA where the dump

site was and Drug Co. found out and busted him back down to janitor.

Oh, great. I hate to get Lewis in trouble at work.

Stella, your girlfriend thinks she can give me crap about my makeup.

I think the Blue Man Group could give you a crap about your makeup.

Well, I have an ex -boyfriend who's a computer hacker, and I had him get some

dirt on her from the Internet.

Did you know that your little environmental activist is on the payroll

Pharmaceutical, Drugco's biggest competitor?

No way.

Way?

Well, that's just great.

My girlfriend's a spy.

I've wanted to say that since third grade, but now it's ashes in my mouth.

You know, seeing you upset's better than a chocolate sundae on a summer day.

Damn, I really liked her, too.

Boom! And that is the cherry on the top.

So Rachel's been lying to me this whole time.

And I got Louis in trouble for nothing.

I owe him a big apology. Do you know where he is?

Well, by now he's probably sitting around feeling sorry for himself, half

Oh, gee, I hate to bother him at work.

I got your present.

You want to smell something nice and pretty?

For the last time, Frank, that's sexual harassment.

What the hell are you doing here, Drew?

I brought you an I'm sorry candle. I know Rachel was going to blow the

on you.

Look, we can't talk here. The place is a bug and there's cameras everywhere.

Let's go in the bathroom.

This is what a men's room looks like.

I always say that when I drag a guy into one of these.

Drew, Louis, I think you should make up over one of my special beers.

You know, every time my father and I had an argument, we always made up over a

cold beer.

I think it's one of the reasons the county took me away from it.

Here's to you, Louis. I should have never taken Rachel's word over yours.

Thanks, Drew.

I thought you said there were no cameras in here.

Oh, I forgot. We show the tapes at the Christmas party.

You know what? I'll turn off the light. They'll think nobody's in here.

Louis, you work for a really creepy company.

Look, Drug Co. may do some creepy things, but they've never exposed people

anything dangerous.

Are

we

glowing?

Beer is glowing, too.

This is almost got in there. What did you put in this beer?

Well, just the regular stuff. Barley hops and water I stole from Drug Co.

You stole water from Drug Co. and put it in the beer?

Yeah, I was making a delivery and I got thirsty. I saw a water cooler and I took

a drink and it tasted all tingly.

This is very important.

What part of Drug Co. did you take the water from?

A big concrete part with no windows where the astronauts walk around.

You know where you work, Lewis.

Project Falcon.

We're drinking depleted uranium and phosphorus derivatives.

My God, you've killed us!

We're all gonna die!

We're all gonna die!

Lewis! You're holding yourself!

I can't help it. I'm just so...

You can die with or without your arms.

Hello, Carrie.

While you were at lunch, snuffling in your trough, your doctor called

your phosphorus poisoning.

He said it's a very important message, but before I give it to you, you have to

answer three ancient riddles.

Why are you doing this?

Because I have ten minutes to go before my next appointment, I have nothing to

do. Now, six human passengers are in a boat.

Two of them men, four of them women. Three of them are their mother's arts.

Who's driving the boat?

Oh, thank God, I'm fine.

And the glowing is going to go away in a month.

Great. Now I have to spend the next nine minutes looking into the vast emptiness

of my soul.

Hey, Johnson.

You're fired.

Or are you?

Answer my riddles three and find out.

Hiya, Drew.

Hey, what's going on? Why haven't you returned my calls?

I was busy calling the Academy to recommend you for an Oscar.

Bravo!

Stellar performance.

Way to go. Good for you.

What are you talking about? You lied to me.

You're not an activist.

You work for United Pharmaceuticals.

And I can't believe a thing you say anymore. You're probably not even

No, I'm bi.

Oh, thank God.

I also don't work for United Pharmaceuticals anymore. That's old

I quit when I found out what horrible things they were doing.

I wish you had trusted me, Drew. I really liked you.

Oh.

Listen, I don't know what I was saying. I was crazy.

I was acting crazy. I haven't slept in a couple days. You know how hard it is to

fall asleep and go in the dark?

Listen, let me make it up to you, and let me take you out, and I'll show you a

good time.

Hey, why don't you come with me tonight? I'm protesting down at Dodson's

Discount, because they carry clothes that were made by children.

Oh, good.

I bought this shirt at Dodson's. Look at this. I like to spend a half hour with

a little brat who sewed this together.

True, we're against child labor.

Of course you are. Look at the shoddy work they do.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. Who did that?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Not me.

That doesn't prove a damn thing.