Original subtitles

Look what you've done, little man.

Your christening has brought together three generations of Carrie's.

Right in the house your daddy was born in.

Who knows, maybe all this will be yours someday.

Oh, please, I have bigger dreams for my son than this dump.

He's going to be in a band and live on a bus with the groupie of the day

servicing his every single whim.

You hear that?

That's a mother's dreams for her son.

me. I bought your guitar, urged you to grow your hair long. You did this to

yourself.

Hey, Drew. Hey, everybody.

Hey,

is it okay if Commander Bun Bun stays here for a while?

Sure, I guess. Why? Well, we have rats in our apartment, but the real problem

we came home early last night and caught them spooning with one.

Personally, I think a relationship between a rat and a bunny would be

But would it survive the prejudice of society?

Come on, let's go make him a home in the basement. Because Drew has a big dog,

and if he finds you, he's going to grab you and shake you until you die, and

then you'll be sad.

But listen, everybody, my cousin Vanessa is going to be here in a minute, and I

really want to make a good impression, so the first person that opens their yap

is getting a mouthful of fist.

Steve will verify I'm not afraid to hit old people.

I don't know why you're worried about making a good impression. You hate your

cousin, Vanessa.

She's always trying to compete with Mimi.

Oh, so is she on like a 40 -year winning streak?

I used to hate her, but now I love her.

Well, now because she's rich.

No, because people change, and if you have love in your heart...

I'm here to see Mimi.

Mimi!

It's so great to see you. I have to apologize, though. I've just been

around the clock trying to launch this new fragrance, and I have not had a

minute to get a gift for little King Gus.

I see. And, of course, there's no gift shops in the airport.

How about a wad of cash?

My favorite amount, a wad.

Everybody, this is my beautiful cousin, Vanessa.

Hello, Vanessa.

I'm Beulah, Mimi's mother -in -law, and I know how you bow -beg girls love

Carrie, boys.

Remember, there's only one left. Get him while he's hot.

I've opened the bubbly. It's not very often we drink around here to celebrate.

To Vanessa and Drew, whom we are asking to be the godparents.

Hey, little guy.

I'm going to be your godfather and your uncle.

Yeah, don't get too excited, pig.

In the event that, you know, God forbid, Steve and I should take an early dirt

nap, King Gus's legal guardian will be Vanessa.

What?

Me, me, Steve. I had no idea.

You know, I've spent my whole life with my career. You know, I've never made any

time for family, so thank you.

I think Drew should be the guardian. Yeah, well, I've got a lot of precedence

between my knockers telling me it's Vanessa.

No offense, but, you know, I really know Gus better than everybody else does,

and I feel like I'm his father already. I mean, I already got him a subscription

to Playboy when he turns eight.

guardian you know he's never on date so we'll always be home you know the boy

has no professional ambition so i mean he's having to be distracted by work and

no matter how horrible rejection or humiliation

Joe Lunchpail can squeeze his obese children into their Sunday overalls and

wallet -sized photographs they can send off to the rest of their fat families.

Wow, a portrait studio. What kind of backdrops do you have? Oh, well, let's

We've got New York Street, Old West, Outer Space.

That's it.

Outer Space.

We'll have our portraits taken as astronauts.

Yeah.

Now when we tell women at the Warsaw that we're astronauts, they'll have to

believe us.

of pickled herring.

Wait a second. This isn't fair. Look how much cheaper it is for family portraits

than individuals. We can't afford this.

We need a family to get a photo.

We need a woman to get a family.

We need a photo to get a woman.

There's no way in. The system won't let us in.

Strap on the feedback.

You know, holding a baby's not like holding a beer.

You know, he likes me better than you anyway, which is why I should be the

guardian.

I hear what you're saying. You love him, he loves you, you're his only uncle,

and now the Bobeck rebuttal.

He dropped out of me, I can do what I want, I choose Vanessa.

You know, money doesn't make you a good parent. I'd be a great dad.

Oh, what the hell do you know? You probably don't even know how to teach a

to sleep through the night.

Yeah, just do what her mom did. Put a little bourbon on your finger and let

suck on that for a little bit.

Which we now know is wrong, wrong, wrong.

That was a really tough question.

Ask him another one, only this time, get it right. All

right.

He's ten years old and he asks you, what's his mommy like? What do you say,

I'd say she was a very loving mother.

But then the mole people called her back to defend the planet.

I heard that.

Well, you know, I think the baby's got a fever.

He doesn't feel hot to me. Oh, my God, he's a blast furnace.

Oh, the baby's sick.

I would have noticed that sooner or later. It's no problem. I'll just drive

to the pediatrician.

I'm just no good in a crisis. I just got to calm down.

Blow out the bees.

Breathe in the butterflies, blow out the bees.

Now, come on, Steve, just calm down. Be a man!

Oh, man!

So is Gus going to be sick for his christening?

No, he just had a little ear infection. He's fine.

Still, who knows what would have happened if I hadn't have caught it.

But am I the guardian?

No.

Why is this so important to you? I mean, what are the odds that Mimi and Steve

are both going to die?

Hey, sooner or later, they're bound to have sex facing each other.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah. And he's a superhero. His hands magically tell the difference

between hot and cold.

Ignore the sarcasm. She's really starting to warm up to the idea of you

guardian. Last night when I suggested it, she hit me with an open hand.

We came by to feed Commander Bun Bun before the christening. We made him

We've got to pick a few things up before the christening.

You could score a few more points if you would babysit for us. All right. Yeah,

the 13 -year -old that we usually get from the trailer park can't do it

she can't find a babysitter for her kids.

So be sure to be at the church with the baby by 2. Okay.

Hi, little baby.

Wait till you get teased so you can have delicious Mexican food.

Well, who knew them Mexican food was hot and messy?

Get his christening outfit off him, and we'll take it to the dry cooler.

Hey, can you stay here and watch the baby till my parents get here? Sure,

Okay, I got it. Okay.

Okay, now, don't answer the door. If the phone rings, let the machine pick it

up. Don't worry about these guys. Their favorite tape is in the VCR. Just press

play, and they'll...

He'll be asleep in five minutes.

Man, do I feel dumb.

Screwing up his christening outfit on the day of his christening? Well, you

screw up every day, but this day your screw -up got us a baby.

And that's a good thing?

Yes, because now we got a family, so we can afford family portraits.

before Drew.

But wait a minute. Two guys and a baby?

Do you think they'll really accept a gay family?

Let me see. Let's take a look.

Everywhere but Texas.

Hey,

hey, let's get a move on. We gotta get to that first thing.

Oswald?

Lewis? Oswald?

I can't believe they left the baby alone.

Commander Bun Bun?

be back before christening l and o p .s l and o means lewis and oswald

i'm sure the baby will be fine but you're not mean he's gonna kill you

i can't believe i trusted a baby with lewis and oswald i should have just left

him on a high -rise construction site let him crawl from girder to girder

Ransom should be, is this some cruel magic trick?

Is all your fault? You really never should have given him that magic kit

was ten.

Had to go to every one of his crummy shows. He never was any damn good at it.

Oswald Lewis had the baby.

second, they're going to come

Oswald didn't go to the war zone. They're not at their apartment. So the

still at large.

This is why we hated giving you pets.

You lost or you killed everything you ever touched.

Don't touch me.

Sweetie, you did go through a lot of pets.

I couldn't plant a rose without my garden spade hitting a tiny...

This thing is supposed to start at half an hour.

You know, listen, you guys, you wait here for Oswald and Lewis.

Kate and I will go to the church and we'll stall them.

We'll bring him over as soon as they get here.

Joe, Joe, how are we going to stall them?

I don't know. But, uh, you know, when I was a kid, I was pretty good at magic.

Maybe this is a job for the great Drew Dini. No!

first time okay now we're being chased by a moon monster

you know the baby's halfway out of these pictures oh thanks

Maybe more now, Drew.

The one who lost it or the one who's going to turn it over to a top -notch

nanny?

I'm sorry. I only have a few more minutes. There are other babies that I

baptize. Wait.

Great Giardini.

I have in my hand an everyday common household item.

What is it, Great Giardini? Watch!

Everyone watch.

I can't believe the pig is ruining a christening.

It's a rare and sacred event.

As a Catholic mother, this may only happen to me, what, seven or eight more

times.

I'm sorry we're late.

We don't exactly have the baby.

You wrapped up Commander Bun Bun? Well, we have to because Lewis and Oswald

never showed up. And we didn't want Mimi choosing Vanessa over you as the

guardian. Yeah, and get off our backs. We know it's a... stupid idea. We're

We used up all our good ideas.

You'll be holding the baby for most of the ceremony, so nobody will know it's a

rabbit. Then, when King Gus gets here, your father will fake a stroke. Yeah, I

do it whenever scary -looking teenagers approach us in the park.

Oh, crap. Here comes Mimi.

You're late, but at least you're here. Give me the baby. Sorry, the godfather

holds the baby during the ceremony. Post orders.

Just...

What the hell's going on here? I demand an explanation.

Uh, you know, I explained it to you, but, uh, boy, Dad's having a seizure.

at that.

Which closely resembles a stroke.

I don't have that kind of range, kid.

I'm sorry, folks. I'm out of here. You call me when you have a kid to sprinkle.

Where's my baby?

It's with the loosen ass wall.

It's right here.

Might it be time to name a guardian?

You're it.

Yes.

And to quote a great philosopher, bite me, pig.

Drew, it's okay that you're not the guardian.

You'll be a great dad someday.

You have the look. Remember that time at the movies when somebody thought you

were my dad?

Deep look.

We know you're so mad at us, so we got you a present.

Yeah, the photographer thought King Gus was so cute, he took some extra pictures

of him.

Wow.

Aw.

The baby looks so cute.

Yeah. Who'd have thought if you rubbed Steve and Mimi's privates together,

get something this beautiful?

You know what?

I have an idea.

Hey, wait a minute.

You really want to see something beautiful?

Take a look at these art photos. the photographer took of us over at his

were naked.

That's what Mapplethorpe would have done if he'd had the guts.

Great pig. It's going to be good. You ruined my wedding. You peed on my first

house.

Now you ruined my son's christening.

I'd blow your head off if I didn't think you'd find a way to suck the...

Amy, let's just listen to what he has to say.

Look, I'm really sorry about what I did, but I think I'm going to make it up to

you this time.

Look at our baby.

Oh, he's beautiful.

Look, I know this doesn't make up for what I did, but I wanted Gus to be Chris

and Bride, even if I'm not going to be the little guardian.

So I'm going to go. You be a good little boy, huh? Do whatever Father Seymour

tells you to.

Gus, you'll be all right. You're at church now. You'll be fine.

Shh,

come on. It's okay. Oh, Mimi, anybody can see he's crazy about Drew.

Well, I know that.

But if something happens to me, he's going to tell him that I was a terrible

mother, and I don't want that.

No, I won't. I swear. I'll only say good things about you.

Oh, yeah. Like what?

Um, I'll say he had a fantastic mother, would do anything for him, and...

If you grew up with half the love for life that your mom did, you'd be a very

lucky guy.

Really? You'd say that?

Yeah, what the hell? You'd be dead. I got what I want.

This goes against every single thing in my nature.

But, all right, you could be the legal guardian.

Yeah. Excuse me?

Oh, sorry, Vanessa. I've got to go with love here instead of money.

I know. I can't believe it either.

Okay, so let the baby be raised by trailer trash.

Hope he likes white bread and cheese whiz.

Don't let the church door hit you in the ass on the way out.

I know when I'm not appreciated.