All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s06e23 Christening

Look what you've done, little man.

Your christening has brought together
three generations of Carrie's.

Right in the house your daddy was born
in.

Who knows, maybe all this will be yours
someday.

Oh, please, I have bigger dreams for my
son than this dump.

He's going to be in a band and live on a
bus with the groupie of the day

servicing his every single whim.

You hear that?

That's a mother's dreams for her son.

me. I bought your guitar, urged you to
grow your hair long. You did this to

yourself.

Hey, Drew. Hey, everybody.

Hey,

is it okay if Commander Bun Bun stays
here for a while?

Sure, I guess. Why? Well, we have rats
in our apartment, but the real problem

we came home early last night and caught
them spooning with one.

Personally, I think a relationship
between a rat and a bunny would be

But would it survive the prejudice of
society?

Come on, let's go make him a home in the
basement. Because Drew has a big dog,

and if he finds you, he's going to grab
you and shake you until you die, and

then you'll be sad.

But listen, everybody, my cousin Vanessa
is going to be here in a minute, and I

really want to make a good impression,
so the first person that opens their yap

is getting a mouthful of fist.

Steve will verify I'm not afraid to hit
old people.

I don't know why you're worried about
making a good impression. You hate your

cousin, Vanessa.

She's always trying to compete with
Mimi.

Oh, so is she on like a 40 -year winning
streak?

I used to hate her, but now I love her.

Well, now because she's rich.

No, because people change, and if you
have love in your heart...

I'm here to see Mimi.

Mimi!

It's so great to see you. I have to
apologize, though. I've just been

around the clock trying to launch this
new fragrance, and I have not had a

minute to get a gift for little King
Gus.

I see. And, of course, there's no gift
shops in the airport.

How about a wad of cash?

My favorite amount, a wad.

Everybody, this is my beautiful cousin,
Vanessa.

Hello, Vanessa.

I'm Beulah, Mimi's mother -in -law, and
I know how you bow -beg girls love

Carrie, boys.

Remember, there's only one left. Get him
while he's hot.

I've opened the bubbly. It's not very
often we drink around here to celebrate.

To Vanessa and Drew, whom we are asking
to be the godparents.

Hey, little guy.

I'm going to be your godfather and your
uncle.

Yeah, don't get too excited, pig.

In the event that, you know, God forbid,
Steve and I should take an early dirt

nap, King Gus's legal guardian will be
Vanessa.

What?

Me, me, Steve. I had no idea.

You know, I've spent my whole life with
my career. You know, I've never made any

time for family, so thank you.

I think Drew should be the guardian.
Yeah, well, I've got a lot of precedence

between my knockers telling me it's
Vanessa.

No offense, but, you know, I really know
Gus better than everybody else does,

and I feel like I'm his father already.
I mean, I already got him a subscription

to Playboy when he turns eight.

guardian you know he's never on date so
we'll always be home you know the boy

has no professional ambition so i mean
he's having to be distracted by work and

no matter how horrible rejection or
humiliation

Joe Lunchpail can squeeze his obese
children into their Sunday overalls and

wallet -sized photographs they can send
off to the rest of their fat families.

Wow, a portrait studio. What kind of
backdrops do you have? Oh, well, let's

We've got New York Street, Old West,
Outer Space.

That's it.

Outer Space.

We'll have our portraits taken as
astronauts.

Yeah.

Now when we tell women at the Warsaw
that we're astronauts, they'll have to

believe us.

of pickled herring.

Wait a second. This isn't fair. Look how
much cheaper it is for family portraits

than individuals. We can't afford this.

We need a family to get a photo.

We need a woman to get a family.

We need a photo to get a woman.

There's no way in. The system won't let
us in.

Strap on the feedback.

You know, holding a baby's not like
holding a beer.

You know, he likes me better than you
anyway, which is why I should be the

guardian.

I hear what you're saying. You love him,
he loves you, you're his only uncle,

and now the Bobeck rebuttal.

He dropped out of me, I can do what I
want, I choose Vanessa.

You know, money doesn't make you a good
parent. I'd be a great dad.

Oh, what the hell do you know? You
probably don't even know how to teach a

to sleep through the night.

Yeah, just do what her mom did. Put a
little bourbon on your finger and let

suck on that for a little bit.

Which we now know is wrong, wrong,
wrong.

That was a really tough question.

Ask him another one, only this time, get
it right. All

right.

He's ten years old and he asks you,
what's his mommy like? What do you say,

I'd say she was a very loving mother.

But then the mole people called her back
to defend the planet.

I heard that.

Well, you know, I think the baby's got a
fever.

He doesn't feel hot to me. Oh, my God,
he's a blast furnace.

Oh, the baby's sick.

I would have noticed that sooner or
later. It's no problem. I'll just drive

to the pediatrician.

I'm just no good in a crisis. I just got
to calm down.

Blow out the bees.

Breathe in the butterflies, blow out the
bees.

Now, come on, Steve, just calm down. Be
a man!

Oh, man!

So is Gus going to be sick for his
christening?

No, he just had a little ear infection.
He's fine.

Still, who knows what would have
happened if I hadn't have caught it.

But am I the guardian?

No.

Why is this so important to you? I mean,
what are the odds that Mimi and Steve

are both going to die?

Hey, sooner or later, they're bound to
have sex facing each other.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah. And he's a superhero. His
hands magically tell the difference

between hot and cold.

Ignore the sarcasm. She's really
starting to warm up to the idea of you

guardian. Last night when I suggested
it, she hit me with an open hand.

We came by to feed Commander Bun Bun
before the christening. We made him

We've got to pick a few things up before
the christening.

You could score a few more points if you
would babysit for us. All right. Yeah,

the 13 -year -old that we usually get
from the trailer park can't do it

she can't find a babysitter for her
kids.

So be sure to be at the church with the
baby by 2. Okay.

Hi, little baby.

Wait till you get teased so you can have
delicious Mexican food.

Well, who knew them Mexican food was hot
and messy?

Get his christening outfit off him, and
we'll take it to the dry cooler.

Hey, can you stay here and watch the
baby till my parents get here? Sure,

Okay, I got it. Okay.

Okay, now, don't answer the door. If the
phone rings, let the machine pick it

up. Don't worry about these guys. Their
favorite tape is in the VCR. Just press

play, and they'll...

He'll be asleep in five minutes.

Man, do I feel dumb.

Screwing up his christening outfit on
the day of his christening? Well, you

screw up every day, but this day your
screw -up got us a baby.

And that's a good thing?

Yes, because now we got a family, so we
can afford family portraits.

before Drew.

But wait a minute. Two guys and a baby?

Do you think they'll really accept a gay
family?

Let me see. Let's take a look.

Everywhere but Texas.

Hey,

hey, let's get a move on. We gotta get
to that first thing.

Oswald?

Lewis? Oswald?

I can't believe they left the baby
alone.

Commander Bun Bun?

be back before christening l and o p .s
l and o means lewis and oswald

i'm sure the baby will be fine but
you're not mean he's gonna kill you

i can't believe i trusted a baby with
lewis and oswald i should have just left

him on a high -rise construction site
let him crawl from girder to girder

Ransom should be, is this some cruel
magic trick?

Is all your fault? You really never
should have given him that magic kit

was ten.

Had to go to every one of his crummy
shows. He never was any damn good at it.

Oswald Lewis had the baby.

second, they're going to come

Oswald didn't go to the war zone.
They're not at their apartment. So the

still at large.

This is why we hated giving you pets.

You lost or you killed everything you
ever touched.

Don't touch me.

Sweetie, you did go through a lot of
pets.

I couldn't plant a rose without my
garden spade hitting a tiny...

This thing is supposed to start at half
an hour.

You know, listen, you guys, you wait
here for Oswald and Lewis.

Kate and I will go to the church and
we'll stall them.

We'll bring him over as soon as they get
here.

Joe, Joe, how are we going to stall
them?

I don't know. But, uh, you know, when I
was a kid, I was pretty good at magic.

Maybe this is a job for the great Drew
Dini. No!

first time okay now we're being chased
by a moon monster

you know the baby's halfway out of these
pictures oh thanks

Maybe more now, Drew.

The one who lost it or the one who's
going to turn it over to a top -notch

nanny?

I'm sorry. I only have a few more
minutes. There are other babies that I

baptize. Wait.

Great Giardini.

I have in my hand an everyday common
household item.

What is it, Great Giardini? Watch!

Everyone watch.

I can't believe the pig is ruining a
christening.

It's a rare and sacred event.

As a Catholic mother, this may only
happen to me, what, seven or eight more

times.

I'm sorry we're late.

We don't exactly have the baby.

You wrapped up Commander Bun Bun? Well,
we have to because Lewis and Oswald

never showed up. And we didn't want Mimi
choosing Vanessa over you as the

guardian. Yeah, and get off our backs.
We know it's a... stupid idea. We're

We used up all our good ideas.

You'll be holding the baby for most of
the ceremony, so nobody will know it's a

rabbit. Then, when King Gus gets here,
your father will fake a stroke. Yeah, I

do it whenever scary -looking teenagers
approach us in the park.

Oh, crap. Here comes Mimi.

You're late, but at least you're here.
Give me the baby. Sorry, the godfather

holds the baby during the ceremony. Post
orders.

Just...

What the hell's going on here? I demand
an explanation.

Uh, you know, I explained it to you,
but, uh, boy, Dad's having a seizure.

at that.

Which closely resembles a stroke.

I don't have that kind of range, kid.

I'm sorry, folks. I'm out of here. You
call me when you have a kid to sprinkle.

Where's my baby?

It's with the loosen ass wall.

It's right here.

Might it be time to name a guardian?

You're it.

Yes.

And to quote a great philosopher, bite
me, pig.

Drew, it's okay that you're not the
guardian.

You'll be a great dad someday.

You have the look. Remember that time at
the movies when somebody thought you

were my dad?

Deep look.

We know you're so mad at us, so we got
you a present.

Yeah, the photographer thought King Gus
was so cute, he took some extra pictures

of him.

Wow.

Aw.

The baby looks so cute.

Yeah. Who'd have thought if you rubbed
Steve and Mimi's privates together,

get something this beautiful?

You know what?

I have an idea.

Hey, wait a minute.

You really want to see something
beautiful?

Take a look at these art photos. the
photographer took of us over at his

were naked.

That's what Mapplethorpe would have done
if he'd had the guts.

Great pig. It's going to be good. You
ruined my wedding. You peed on my first

house.

Now you ruined my son's christening.

I'd blow your head off if I didn't think
you'd find a way to suck the...

Amy, let's just listen to what he has to
say.

Look, I'm really sorry about what I did,
but I think I'm going to make it up to

you this time.

Look at our baby.

Oh, he's beautiful.

Look, I know this doesn't make up for
what I did, but I wanted Gus to be Chris

and Bride, even if I'm not going to be
the little guardian.

So I'm going to go. You be a good little
boy, huh? Do whatever Father Seymour

tells you to.

Gus, you'll be all right. You're at
church now. You'll be fine.

Shh,

come on. It's okay. Oh, Mimi, anybody
can see he's crazy about Drew.

Well, I know that.

But if something happens to me, he's
going to tell him that I was a terrible

mother, and I don't want that.

No, I won't. I swear. I'll only say good
things about you.

Oh, yeah. Like what?

Um, I'll say he had a fantastic mother,
would do anything for him, and...

If you grew up with half the love for
life that your mom did, you'd be a very

lucky guy.

Really? You'd say that?

Yeah, what the hell? You'd be dead. I
got what I want.

This goes against every single thing in
my nature.

But, all right, you could be the legal
guardian.

Yeah. Excuse me?

Oh, sorry, Vanessa. I've got to go with
love here instead of money.

I know. I can't believe it either.

Okay, so let the baby be raised by
trailer trash.

Hope he likes white bread and cheese
whiz.

Don't let the church door hit you in the
ass on the way out.

I know when I'm not appreciated.