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Look what you've done, little man.
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Your christening has brought together
three generations of Carrie's.
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Right in the house your daddy was born
in.
4
00:00:09,060 --> 00:00:11,470
Who knows, maybe all this will be yours
someday.
5
00:00:11,860 --> 00:00:14,840
Oh, please, I have bigger dreams for my
son than this dump.
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00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:21,899
He's going to be in a band and live on a
bus with the groupie of the day
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servicing his every single whim.
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You hear that?
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That's a mother's dreams for her son.
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me. I bought your guitar, urged you to
grow your hair long. You did this to
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00:00:34,690 --> 00:00:35,740
yourself.
12
00:00:39,370 --> 00:00:40,650
Hey, Drew. Hey, everybody.
13
00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:41,960
Hey,
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00:00:42,430 --> 00:00:45,140
is it okay if Commander Bun Bun stays
here for a while?
15
00:00:45,141 --> 00:00:49,309
Sure, I guess. Why? Well, we have rats
in our apartment, but the real problem
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00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:52,500
we came home early last night and caught
them spooning with one.
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00:00:52,501 --> 00:00:57,659
Personally, I think a relationship
between a rat and a bunny would be
18
00:00:57,660 --> 00:01:00,070
But would it survive the prejudice of
society?
19
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:05,519
Come on, let's go make him a home in the
basement. Because Drew has a big dog,
20
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and if he finds you, he's going to grab
you and shake you until you die, and
21
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,170
then you'll be sad.
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00:01:11,620 --> 00:01:16,559
But listen, everybody, my cousin Vanessa
is going to be here in a minute, and I
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really want to make a good impression,
so the first person that opens their yap
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is getting a mouthful of fist.
25
00:01:23,180 --> 00:01:25,710
Steve will verify I'm not afraid to hit
old people.
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00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:30,879
I don't know why you're worried about
making a good impression. You hate your
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00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:31,779
cousin, Vanessa.
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00:01:31,780 --> 00:01:33,839
She's always trying to compete with
Mimi.
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00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,190
Oh, so is she on like a 40 -year winning
streak?
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I used to hate her, but now I love her.
31
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Well, now because she's rich.
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No, because people change, and if you
have love in your heart...
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00:01:57,420 --> 00:01:58,470
I'm here to see Mimi.
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00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:05,170
Mimi!
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It's so great to see you. I have to
apologize, though. I've just been
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00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:16,199
around the clock trying to launch this
new fragrance, and I have not had a
37
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,360
minute to get a gift for little King
Gus.
38
00:02:18,820 --> 00:02:22,200
I see. And, of course, there's no gift
shops in the airport.
39
00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:25,620
How about a wad of cash?
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00:02:26,460 --> 00:02:28,180
My favorite amount, a wad.
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00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,560
Everybody, this is my beautiful cousin,
Vanessa.
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00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,050
Hello, Vanessa.
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00:02:37,620 --> 00:02:42,639
I'm Beulah, Mimi's mother -in -law, and
I know how you bow -beg girls love
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Carrie, boys.
45
00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:47,060
Remember, there's only one left. Get him
while he's hot.
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00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,450
I've opened the bubbly. It's not very
often we drink around here to celebrate.
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00:03:04,330 --> 00:03:08,230
To Vanessa and Drew, whom we are asking
to be the godparents.
48
00:03:08,470 --> 00:03:14,870
Hey, little guy.
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00:03:14,871 --> 00:03:17,309
I'm going to be your godfather and your
uncle.
50
00:03:17,310 --> 00:03:18,970
Yeah, don't get too excited, pig.
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00:03:19,270 --> 00:03:23,129
In the event that, you know, God forbid,
Steve and I should take an early dirt
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nap, King Gus's legal guardian will be
Vanessa.
53
00:03:27,710 --> 00:03:28,760
What?
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00:03:29,150 --> 00:03:31,370
Me, me, Steve. I had no idea.
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00:03:32,190 --> 00:03:36,289
You know, I've spent my whole life with
my career. You know, I've never made any
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00:03:36,290 --> 00:03:38,610
time for family, so thank you.
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00:03:38,611 --> 00:03:42,509
I think Drew should be the guardian.
Yeah, well, I've got a lot of precedence
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00:03:42,510 --> 00:03:44,800
between my knockers telling me it's
Vanessa.
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00:03:46,450 --> 00:03:51,350
No offense, but, you know, I really know
Gus better than everybody else does,
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and I feel like I'm his father already.
I mean, I already got him a subscription
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to Playboy when he turns eight.
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00:04:02,380 --> 00:04:07,919
guardian you know he's never on date so
we'll always be home you know the boy
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00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:14,079
has no professional ambition so i mean
he's having to be distracted by work and
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00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,220
no matter how horrible rejection or
humiliation
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00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:53,959
Joe Lunchpail can squeeze his obese
children into their Sunday overalls and
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00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:57,870
wallet -sized photographs they can send
off to the rest of their fat families.
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00:05:57,871 --> 00:06:03,259
Wow, a portrait studio. What kind of
backdrops do you have? Oh, well, let's
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00:06:03,260 --> 00:06:07,540
We've got New York Street, Old West,
Outer Space.
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00:06:08,260 --> 00:06:09,310
That's it.
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00:06:09,420 --> 00:06:10,470
Outer Space.
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00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:13,050
We'll have our portraits taken as
astronauts.
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00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:14,330
Yeah.
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00:06:14,331 --> 00:06:17,919
Now when we tell women at the Warsaw
that we're astronauts, they'll have to
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00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:18,970
believe us.
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of pickled herring.
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00:06:29,151 --> 00:06:36,379
Wait a second. This isn't fair. Look how
much cheaper it is for family portraits
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00:06:36,380 --> 00:06:38,300
than individuals. We can't afford this.
78
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,060
We need a family to get a photo.
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00:06:41,540 --> 00:06:43,180
We need a woman to get a family.
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00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,460
We need a photo to get a woman.
81
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,530
There's no way in. The system won't let
us in.
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00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:53,980
Strap on the feedback.
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00:06:58,570 --> 00:07:01,100
You know, holding a baby's not like
holding a beer.
84
00:07:01,101 --> 00:07:05,689
You know, he likes me better than you
anyway, which is why I should be the
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00:07:05,690 --> 00:07:06,709
guardian.
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00:07:06,710 --> 00:07:11,150
I hear what you're saying. You love him,
he loves you, you're his only uncle,
87
00:07:11,350 --> 00:07:12,990
and now the Bobeck rebuttal.
88
00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:16,140
He dropped out of me, I can do what I
want, I choose Vanessa.
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00:07:18,570 --> 00:07:21,760
You know, money doesn't make you a good
parent. I'd be a great dad.
90
00:07:22,090 --> 00:07:26,089
Oh, what the hell do you know? You
probably don't even know how to teach a
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00:07:26,090 --> 00:07:27,410
to sleep through the night.
92
00:07:27,411 --> 00:07:30,119
Yeah, just do what her mom did. Put a
little bourbon on your finger and let
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00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,500
suck on that for a little bit.
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Which we now know is wrong, wrong,
wrong.
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00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,140
That was a really tough question.
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Ask him another one, only this time, get
it right. All
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right.
98
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:52,360
He's ten years old and he asks you,
what's his mommy like? What do you say,
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00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:57,720
I'd say she was a very loving mother.
100
00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:01,570
But then the mole people called her back
to defend the planet.
101
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,820
I heard that.
102
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,530
Well, you know, I think the baby's got a
fever.
103
00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:12,040
He doesn't feel hot to me. Oh, my God,
he's a blast furnace.
104
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,180
Oh, the baby's sick.
105
00:08:14,181 --> 00:08:17,639
I would have noticed that sooner or
later. It's no problem. I'll just drive
106
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:18,690
to the pediatrician.
107
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,550
I'm just no good in a crisis. I just got
to calm down.
108
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:24,480
Blow out the bees.
109
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,270
Breathe in the butterflies, blow out the
bees.
110
00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:30,520
Now, come on, Steve, just calm down. Be
a man!
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00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:33,910
Oh, man!
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00:08:34,051 --> 00:08:38,359
So is Gus going to be sick for his
christening?
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00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,519
No, he just had a little ear infection.
He's fine.
114
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,950
Still, who knows what would have
happened if I hadn't have caught it.
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00:08:45,420 --> 00:08:46,500
But am I the guardian?
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No.
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00:08:47,851 --> 00:08:51,899
Why is this so important to you? I mean,
what are the odds that Mimi and Steve
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00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:52,980
are both going to die?
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00:08:53,020 --> 00:08:56,330
Hey, sooner or later, they're bound to
have sex facing each other.
120
00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:02,710
Yeah,
121
00:09:05,340 --> 00:09:09,399
yeah, yeah. And he's a superhero. His
hands magically tell the difference
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00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:10,720
between hot and cold.
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00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:16,539
Ignore the sarcasm. She's really
starting to warm up to the idea of you
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00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:19,980
guardian. Last night when I suggested
it, she hit me with an open hand.
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00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:27,850
We came by to feed Commander Bun Bun
before the christening. We made him
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00:09:27,851 --> 00:09:32,379
We've got to pick a few things up before
the christening.
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00:09:32,380 --> 00:09:35,839
You could score a few more points if you
would babysit for us. All right. Yeah,
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00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,939
the 13 -year -old that we usually get
from the trailer park can't do it
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00:09:38,940 --> 00:09:40,990
she can't find a babysitter for her
kids.
130
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,980
So be sure to be at the church with the
baby by 2. Okay.
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00:09:46,860 --> 00:09:47,910
Hi, little baby.
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00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:52,800
Wait till you get teased so you can have
delicious Mexican food.
133
00:09:58,310 --> 00:10:00,910
Well, who knew them Mexican food was hot
and messy?
134
00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:09,010
Get his christening outfit off him, and
we'll take it to the dry cooler.
135
00:10:09,011 --> 00:10:12,949
Hey, can you stay here and watch the
baby till my parents get here? Sure,
136
00:10:12,950 --> 00:10:14,130
Okay, I got it. Okay.
137
00:10:15,770 --> 00:10:20,869
Okay, now, don't answer the door. If the
phone rings, let the machine pick it
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00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:24,389
up. Don't worry about these guys. Their
favorite tape is in the VCR. Just press
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00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:25,530
play, and they'll...
140
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,440
He'll be asleep in five minutes.
141
00:10:33,780 --> 00:10:35,240
Man, do I feel dumb.
142
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,879
Screwing up his christening outfit on
the day of his christening? Well, you
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00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:45,080
screw up every day, but this day your
screw -up got us a baby.
144
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,480
And that's a good thing?
145
00:10:49,780 --> 00:10:54,000
Yes, because now we got a family, so we
can afford family portraits.
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00:11:00,140 --> 00:11:01,190
before Drew.
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00:11:01,340 --> 00:11:03,640
But wait a minute. Two guys and a baby?
148
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,310
Do you think they'll really accept a gay
family?
149
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,100
Let me see. Let's take a look.
150
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:12,780
Everywhere but Texas.
151
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:18,030
Hey,
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00:11:18,031 --> 00:11:21,599
hey, let's get a move on. We gotta get
to that first thing.
153
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:22,650
Oswald?
154
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,300
Lewis? Oswald?
155
00:11:24,820 --> 00:11:26,870
I can't believe they left the baby
alone.
156
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,090
Commander Bun Bun?
157
00:11:38,190 --> 00:11:43,469
be back before christening l and o p .s
l and o means lewis and oswald
158
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:49,909
i'm sure the baby will be fine but
you're not mean he's gonna kill you
159
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:54,089
i can't believe i trusted a baby with
lewis and oswald i should have just left
160
00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:57,760
him on a high -rise construction site
let him crawl from girder to girder
161
00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:13,790
Ransom should be, is this some cruel
magic trick?
162
00:12:14,850 --> 00:12:18,589
Is all your fault? You really never
should have given him that magic kit
163
00:12:18,590 --> 00:12:19,640
was ten.
164
00:12:20,290 --> 00:12:24,170
Had to go to every one of his crummy
shows. He never was any damn good at it.
165
00:12:27,470 --> 00:12:28,730
Oswald Lewis had the baby.
166
00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:40,440
second, they're going to come
167
00:13:04,811 --> 00:13:11,179
Oswald didn't go to the war zone.
They're not at their apartment. So the
168
00:13:11,180 --> 00:13:12,230
still at large.
169
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,220
This is why we hated giving you pets.
170
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,480
You lost or you killed everything you
ever touched.
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00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,000
Don't touch me.
172
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,020
Sweetie, you did go through a lot of
pets.
173
00:13:32,260 --> 00:13:36,220
I couldn't plant a rose without my
garden spade hitting a tiny...
174
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,220
This thing is supposed to start at half
an hour.
175
00:13:44,221 --> 00:13:47,639
You know, listen, you guys, you wait
here for Oswald and Lewis.
176
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,839
Kate and I will go to the church and
we'll stall them.
177
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,070
We'll bring him over as soon as they get
here.
178
00:13:52,071 --> 00:13:54,199
Joe, Joe, how are we going to stall
them?
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00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:58,060
I don't know. But, uh, you know, when I
was a kid, I was pretty good at magic.
180
00:13:59,860 --> 00:14:02,480
Maybe this is a job for the great Drew
Dini. No!
181
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:17,959
first time okay now we're being chased
by a moon monster
182
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:24,780
you know the baby's halfway out of these
pictures oh thanks
183
00:14:46,860 --> 00:14:47,910
Maybe more now, Drew.
184
00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:52,019
The one who lost it or the one who's
going to turn it over to a top -notch
185
00:14:52,020 --> 00:14:53,070
nanny?
186
00:14:53,420 --> 00:14:57,919
I'm sorry. I only have a few more
minutes. There are other babies that I
187
00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:58,970
baptize. Wait.
188
00:15:01,220 --> 00:15:02,380
Great Giardini.
189
00:15:03,180 --> 00:15:07,080
I have in my hand an everyday common
household item.
190
00:15:07,620 --> 00:15:09,620
What is it, Great Giardini? Watch!
191
00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:11,030
Everyone watch.
192
00:15:23,850 --> 00:15:26,320
I can't believe the pig is ruining a
christening.
193
00:15:26,590 --> 00:15:28,210
It's a rare and sacred event.
194
00:15:28,211 --> 00:15:31,989
As a Catholic mother, this may only
happen to me, what, seven or eight more
195
00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:33,040
times.
196
00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:37,650
I'm sorry we're late.
197
00:15:37,930 --> 00:15:40,970
We don't exactly have the baby.
198
00:15:40,971 --> 00:15:45,609
You wrapped up Commander Bun Bun? Well,
we have to because Lewis and Oswald
199
00:15:45,610 --> 00:15:50,409
never showed up. And we didn't want Mimi
choosing Vanessa over you as the
200
00:15:50,410 --> 00:15:54,680
guardian. Yeah, and get off our backs.
We know it's a... stupid idea. We're
201
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,220
We used up all our good ideas.
202
00:15:56,221 --> 00:16:01,399
You'll be holding the baby for most of
the ceremony, so nobody will know it's a
203
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:06,739
rabbit. Then, when King Gus gets here,
your father will fake a stroke. Yeah, I
204
00:16:06,740 --> 00:16:10,620
do it whenever scary -looking teenagers
approach us in the park.
205
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,380
Oh, crap. Here comes Mimi.
206
00:16:13,381 --> 00:16:17,999
You're late, but at least you're here.
Give me the baby. Sorry, the godfather
207
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,939
holds the baby during the ceremony. Post
orders.
208
00:16:19,940 --> 00:16:20,990
Just...
209
00:16:23,261 --> 00:16:28,449
What the hell's going on here? I demand
an explanation.
210
00:16:28,450 --> 00:16:33,169
Uh, you know, I explained it to you,
but, uh, boy, Dad's having a seizure.
211
00:16:33,170 --> 00:16:33,669
at that.
212
00:16:33,670 --> 00:16:35,670
Which closely resembles a stroke.
213
00:16:36,510 --> 00:16:38,250
I don't have that kind of range, kid.
214
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:48,110
I'm sorry, folks. I'm out of here. You
call me when you have a kid to sprinkle.
215
00:16:49,690 --> 00:16:50,910
Where's my baby?
216
00:16:51,270 --> 00:16:52,710
It's with the loosen ass wall.
217
00:16:53,630 --> 00:16:54,680
It's right here.
218
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,440
Might it be time to name a guardian?
219
00:17:02,441 --> 00:17:03,699
You're it.
220
00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:04,750
Yes.
221
00:17:05,619 --> 00:17:09,920
And to quote a great philosopher, bite
me, pig.
222
00:17:14,180 --> 00:17:17,099
Drew, it's okay that you're not the
guardian.
223
00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:19,180
You'll be a great dad someday.
224
00:17:19,181 --> 00:17:23,159
You have the look. Remember that time at
the movies when somebody thought you
225
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,210
were my dad?
226
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,940
Deep look.
227
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,560
We know you're so mad at us, so we got
you a present.
228
00:17:32,561 --> 00:17:36,439
Yeah, the photographer thought King Gus
was so cute, he took some extra pictures
229
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:37,490
of him.
230
00:17:37,980 --> 00:17:39,030
Wow.
231
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:40,810
Aw.
232
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,440
The baby looks so cute.
233
00:17:42,441 --> 00:17:45,679
Yeah. Who'd have thought if you rubbed
Steve and Mimi's privates together,
234
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,240
get something this beautiful?
235
00:17:51,011 --> 00:17:52,979
You know what?
236
00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:54,030
I have an idea.
237
00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:55,110
Hey, wait a minute.
238
00:17:55,111 --> 00:17:56,999
You really want to see something
beautiful?
239
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,179
Take a look at these art photos. the
photographer took of us over at his
240
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:01,400
were naked.
241
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,050
That's what Mapplethorpe would have done
if he'd had the guts.
242
00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:21,699
Great pig. It's going to be good. You
ruined my wedding. You peed on my first
243
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:22,750
house.
244
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:25,060
Now you ruined my son's christening.
245
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:28,970
I'd blow your head off if I didn't think
you'd find a way to suck the...
246
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,990
Amy, let's just listen to what he has to
say.
247
00:18:33,991 --> 00:18:36,619
Look, I'm really sorry about what I did,
but I think I'm going to make it up to
248
00:18:36,620 --> 00:18:37,670
you this time.
249
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,660
Look at our baby.
250
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:47,660
Oh, he's beautiful.
251
00:18:49,220 --> 00:18:52,959
Look, I know this doesn't make up for
what I did, but I wanted Gus to be Chris
252
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,279
and Bride, even if I'm not going to be
the little guardian.
253
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:59,479
So I'm going to go. You be a good little
boy, huh? Do whatever Father Seymour
254
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:00,530
tells you to.
255
00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:09,070
Gus, you'll be all right. You're at
church now. You'll be fine.
256
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:11,850
Shh,
257
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:18,680
come on. It's okay. Oh, Mimi, anybody
can see he's crazy about Drew.
258
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,490
Well, I know that.
259
00:19:20,491 --> 00:19:23,599
But if something happens to me, he's
going to tell him that I was a terrible
260
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,040
mother, and I don't want that.
261
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,070
No, I won't. I swear. I'll only say good
things about you.
262
00:19:28,140 --> 00:19:29,560
Oh, yeah. Like what?
263
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:34,920
Um, I'll say he had a fantastic mother,
would do anything for him, and...
264
00:19:34,921 --> 00:19:38,229
If you grew up with half the love for
life that your mom did, you'd be a very
265
00:19:38,230 --> 00:19:39,280
lucky guy.
266
00:19:40,510 --> 00:19:41,770
Really? You'd say that?
267
00:19:41,990 --> 00:19:44,520
Yeah, what the hell? You'd be dead. I
got what I want.
268
00:19:50,770 --> 00:19:54,730
This goes against every single thing in
my nature.
269
00:19:55,510 --> 00:19:58,590
But, all right, you could be the legal
guardian.
270
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,230
Yeah. Excuse me?
271
00:20:00,770 --> 00:20:04,170
Oh, sorry, Vanessa. I've got to go with
love here instead of money.
272
00:20:05,230 --> 00:20:06,930
I know. I can't believe it either.
273
00:20:08,850 --> 00:20:11,970
Okay, so let the baby be raised by
trailer trash.
274
00:20:12,690 --> 00:20:14,800
Hope he likes white bread and cheese
whiz.
275
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,420
Don't let the church door hit you in the
ass on the way out.
276
00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:39,209
I know when I'm not appreciated.
277
00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:43,760
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