Original subtitles

Hey, I'm Drew Carey. Welcome to the annual April Fool's show where we put a

of mistakes in the episode. Right, Lewis?

Oh, yeah. Well over 50 of them. Like this one. I'm talking, but you're seeing

Kate.

And whoever can find the most mistakes in our official list can win $200 ,000

and a trip to L .A. to bowl with Drew.

And there's lots more prizes that everyone else has the chance to win.

You can find all the rules at ABC .com.

You can enter through ABC .com or send your list to an address we'll be giving

you later on.

So keep your eyes open for mistakes because the game is starting right now.

Okay, I just have a couple of standard questions to ask you before I hire you.

Who's the greatest brother in the world?

Drew is for giving me my wife's job while she's on maternity leave.

Great. Now we know the background story for the whole episode. Why don't you

sign it right here?

And we'll get on with the show.

I'm going to show you where Mimi's desk is.

considered sacred a lot of people think ugly was invented here my favorite

person in the whole world what are you doing here you're not checking up on me

are you no i just forgot a few surprises that i didn't warn you about in my desk

like do not push this button see

you know this is why we can't afford a dvd player

make a deposit.

You make people pay

for messages?

Oh, it's just a nominal fee, except for emergencies.

Be surprised what people with a sick kid will pay for a message.

Well, I'm going to go back to my dressing room and make long -distance

ABC's Dime. Bye -bye.

I think I'm going to like working in an office.

I feel like Steve Tyler Moore.

Oh, Mr. Wick.

Hey, Jim. Who's next?

Louis dragged us downtown for a sci -fi convention. He bid on a red Star Trek

shirt. Oh, wow. Yeah, somebody beat me to it. I got distracted.

There was a girl at the convention that weighed under 200 pounds.

Oh, my God, there's the shirt.

Yes, it is.

Mother and I will be the talk of the arcade tonight.

You know, Frank, that shirt could be turnip.

There's only one way to find out if it's authentic.

That's not it. But now it's worthless, so who cares?

You've ruined it.

Permission to go home and cry, Commander.

Make it so.

And the winner of the Bastard of the Year Award goes to...

I want to talk to you for a second.

Listen, I know this is going to sound crazy, but when I was in my coma, my

heavenly guide told me that you were going to go to hell.

This heavenly guide, was his name Morphine?

Look, even if I did believe you, I'm not going to hell. I'm a good guy. I work

with animals.

You shoveled the dead carcasses into a furnace.

I wish I had a shovel. I'd have to use my bare hands.

Do anything worse than the average guy does, all right? If you'll excuse me, I

have to accidentally walk into the wrong bathroom.

chance of getting Lewis into heaven?

You couldn't even get him into Arby's last weekend.

Hey, what's going on?

Uh, sit down, Lewis. We've got something we want to show you. Yeah, since you

wouldn't believe how bad you are, to prove it to you, we followed you around

with a video camera. Oh, great. Can't wait to see what my ass looks like from

behind.

Are you watching the same video? It worked right there.

See? I could have thrown that gum on the ground, but no, I'm a little more

considerate of other people than that.

I'll do the mashed potatoes at four out of five dentists recommend.

Hey, how'd you get me a drug coat?

Do you remember when I delivered a package to the lab? It was in there.

Hey, Lewis.

mad about me taking that last line jello cube in the cafeteria are you no

problem man it's just jello

bad for you, mumbo jumbo.

Well, how about what you did the other night when we were babysitting King Gus?

Hey, I'm going to get us a couple beers. Why don't you keep an eye on the baby?

Okay.

I'm going to start changing my life around right now, and nobody better get

my way.

I'll get to heaven if I have to ride there on a river of blood.

Don't you hear that?

An angel just got its wings.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Here's your dry cleaning, Mr. Wick.

What? Well, I gave it to you two days ago.

Mimi says it takes a month because I'm English, and by law, my dry cleaning

be sent to England.

That's right. We pulled your pants out of the fire in World War II. We're not

going to clean them.

Hi, honey.

So has the place been the same without me?

How do I say this without hurting your feelings?

I want you to die so I can keep Steve.

What the hell have you done, pig?

You've turned Wick against me.

Why are you taking it out on me? I just gave your husband a job so he could pay

for the food to put in your baby's mouth and keep a roof over your ungrateful

head.

to go home and play the piano.

Amy, I don't have time for this. Don't bother Mr. Wick.

Dag -dag.

What are you guys doing here?

We drove over with Lewis.

He wants to apologize to everyone he's been mean to.

Hello, everyone.

I've come to confess my sins.

Now, if you'll all cooperate, I think we can get out of here by five.

Crimes of the flesh over here.

Ugly people I've made fun of over here.

Frank, I want to apologize for my behavior, so I bought you this new

Oh, thank you.

By the way, I'm having a party this Saturday at the Babylon 2 station.

house. Kate, you want to come?

Oh, I'd love to, but I have to... Please don't make me think of something.

I think I bought him a new Star Trek shirt.

Now he has three friends.

I'm not just stopping there. I'm going on a fast.

Listen, I wouldn't worry about that stuff. I mean, it's great you're trying

get to heaven and all, but you don't have to be skinny. I mean, nobody's

perfect. I mean, look at us. We all drink a little. A little? Hell, we're

drunks.

How about Kate?

Sure, she sleeps around, but does she hurt anybody?

Not unless you ask her to.

so much he doesn't have a blood alcohol level, he has an alcohol blood level.

What about Drew?

There's only two man -made things you can see from space, the Great Wall of

China and Drew's porn collection.

Hey, Drew, for some reason, my pig won't make.

Oh, yeah?

Why's that?

I don't know. I guess he doesn't find me attractive.

God,

you know what this means?

I'm going to heaven.

But you guys are going to hell.

No, you don't understand. See, you don't have to be perfect to get into heaven.

God wants you to get in.

He's like one of those hippie teachers.

All you have to do is show up and try.

No, no. I am going to make it my personal mission to save you all.

Now, let's start off with a prayer. Everybody get down on their knees.

Except you, Kate. You seem to get in trouble in that position.

my hometown of Cumbernauld, Scotland.

Population 48 ,800.

Sir!

Good evening, Kate.

Lewis, what are you doing here?

Oh, I was just in the neighborhood. Thought I'd drop by and say hi.

Hey, while I'm here, why don't I...

It's our first date. It's kind of a special night. Who is this guy?

He's nobody.

Nobody? I'm only God's voice on this earth. I

am so sorry about that.

So, tell me more about your career.

It must be exciting to feel the wind in your hair as you stand on the side of

the garbage truck.

The Independent Film Channel has a 15 -hour Harvey Keitel's naked butt

Where's my piano?

Where's my bad lieutenant?

Well, I took the liberty of canceling all of our cable channels except for the

family channel, PAX TV, and the Bible Network.

I want the mean old Lewis back.

Hey, let's get some leaf blowers and go down to the park and see if we can blow

the towels off the women that are breastfeeding.

Hey, you really want to have fun? Sure. Let's rap about the Lord.

Michael row the boat ashore.

Steve's going to keep doing my old job. I'm going to be a stay -at -home mom.

This would be a good chance for me to spend more time with my baby. I'll be

best friend.

Oh, it didn't hurt Norman Bates.

She's got too much pride for that. You've got to fire me. I'm not going to

you. You're doing a great job.

Besides, with her gone, there's no more night sweats, so I sleep great. Look at

my hands. I'm a surgeon.

I put my dirty underwear on your head, spit in your mouth when you were asleep,

made you drink aquarium water, and you won't do one bad thing to me?

Man, Lewis is making our life a living hell. He threw out everything in our

apartment that has any alcohol in it, even the cooking wine. Now how am I

to marinate anything?

Well, he may go a little overboard, but it's better than him going to hell.

Oh, so you don't mind that Lewis has spread your pornography all over the

lawn?

What are those kids doing out there?

It's cute to see a fleet of red wagons loaded down with pornography.

We're not going to see kids playing on the street for years.

Hello, my children.

You threw out all my pornos, you creep.

Those were just women. Those were my special naked friends.

If you want to get into heaven, you're going to... You have to make some

sacrifices, people.

It's all right, Drew. You have the backup for it in the garage.

Come on, Lewis. This is a little hardcore porn. I've never heard anybody.

Get back, whore, sloth, and pervert.

I'm doing God's work.

If he doesn't like it, let him stop me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure that was just a coincidence.

third time. It's not a coincidence.

Dang, damn it.

I said dang.

You gotta hide me from God.

He's got out of his mind. He's really peeled.

Okay,

you win.

I'll smoke.

I'll drink. I'll masturbate.

If somebody helps me I'll do them all at once.

I guess you're going to have to fire me, huh?

Why? Good Lord, you're a secretary, not a surgeon.

Okay. Okay. Well, look at what I'm wearing.

Oh!

You copycat!

All right.

Let's get back to work.

You got an appointment with the chairman of the board to talk about...

His ideas on your marketing proposal.

He read it? He sent it? You're not meant to send it. Mimi never sent it.

Well, maybe he liked your proposal.

I wrote out Mary had a little lamb 70 times. What do you think he's going to

make of it?

You're fired.

Thank you.

I'm going to go home.

Hey, I'm a drunk guy wearing a bra.

Wish me luck on the bus.

got struck by lightning.

And I've never felt better.

There's my watch.

And my old retainer.

Hey, we got you a present.

Louis felt bad about all your Playboys being destroyed, so he wrote a letter to

Hugh Hefner.

And Mr. Hefner replaced your entire collection.

He says with all the money that you spent on Playboy over the years, no

should ever have to suffer the shame of a bee cup again.

Hey, pig!

Remember me? I'm back!

Well, at least I'll get my minimum daily requirement of ugly.

Kiss my bricks.

Is that her catchphrase? Because I don't watch this show.

his attitude afterwards.

When he now becomes the righteous one, he's absolutely convinced that he now

possesses the totality of all that is true.

Yeah, but I don't know. Lewis is a pretty major creep. I don't know what

redemption is possible.

He not only was a jerk to begin with, and then he became a self -righteous

and decided to go back to his old ways.

He became a religious jerk. That's right.

So, you know, there still needs to be some repentance there, I think.