Original subtitles

Oh, see, that's why you should wait to get to the stadium before you start

chewing tobacco.

That's not chewing tobacco. What is that? We didn't want to get addicted to

nicotine, so we were chewing on the patch.

Well, well, well, look who's loitering in my office.

We're here to pick up Drew for the Indians Fantasy Baseball Day. Yeah, we

actually get to play with our childhood heroes. Now that they're old, we're

going to kick some decrepit Hall of Fame ass. Kick me?

Well, that's your uniform, Gary. Oh, I don't want to wear mine to work, but I'm

showing my excitement in other ways.

Look, baseball socks.

Check this out.

My, you are excited.

Not that I couldn't break glass in an emergency, if you know what I'm saying.

Well, I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but I'm afraid I can't give you

the day off as I promised. I need you to enter all the personnel files for the

last ten years into the computer.

Just wait.

I don't get to go.

This is just like that time in high school when I had to walk back from

because I didn't sell enough magazines.

Well, it just won't be fantasy day without you, Drew.

Just be incredibly amazing once in a lifetime.

Spend a day with your idol day.

No, I don't even want to go.

Hey,

Peg, I just came by to pick up my check for maternity leave.

Oh, yeah, it's right there in the old right -hand drawer.

There's nothing in here.

Crap.

mistake.

Let me help you out. You got a little face showing still.

Hey, what happened to you?

What in the world is going on here?

Just a second, honey.

Mama's got to take care of a little business.

might want, bacon and eggs.

You scared the baby with your gun, Mimi.

It's okay, King Gus.

I'm sorry. We didn't mean to upset the baby. You're doing more than upsetting

him. I read an article about how a baby who was raised in a violent atmosphere

grows up to be violent himself.

Oh, that's a load of crap. Like my mother always said, a slap is just a hug

stings.

I'm sorry, but you two are going to have to find some other way to deal with

your aggressions.

Well, I don't want to.

I don't bake. I don't knit. I blow him up.

Yeah, I don't go to plays. I don't collect stamps. I put itching powder in

toilet paper.

That was you?

Thank God. I thought Steve was cheating on me.

Now, if you both love this baby, you were going to promise me there will be

more pranks.

All right, for the baby.

Yeah. I guess.

Let it be known that on this day, hostilities have ceased between Mimi

Carey and Drew Carey.

In fact, let's put it right out.

Did you look at that?

How did you know we were going to be making peace today?

I didn't. This is my panel.

Zizzler and a church production of Pippin.

I'm so glad we're not playing pranks on each other. This is the first Friday

night in years I haven't spent in the workshop.

Yeah, the other day I found a dead rat and I thought, hey, I can just throw

away. I don't have to make it into a muffin.

There's so much love here. The only thing missing are the words Oprah

presents.

Wow, that was weird. You and Mimi having a civil conversation.

It's like when my mom slept with my dad, didn't need the money.

It's just not natural.

Guys, I want you to meet Eric.

Hey, Eric.

We were going to come by earlier, but I wanted Eric to meet the real you, so I

thought I'd wait until you're all drunk.

Hi. Let me guess.

Drew, Lewis, and Oswald.

He's smart, but he looks like a dumb model.

Tell me you're dating anybody.

Oh, it's just been a few dates.

Eric's a paramedic. We met at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when he was giving

us a demonstration on how to inject adrenaline straight into someone's

We all had to learn because Keith Richards is coming next week.

Excuse me. That's Mark. I've got to take this.

Well, what do you think?

Good -looking jerk.

Kids seeing somebody, I'm happy for her, huh?

Wow, that is so healthy.

I was worried since Eric is the first guy, you know, since you.

Sounds to me like somebody hasn't moved on.

No, I just know that after a breakup, it's kind of tough when one person gets

into a relationship before the other person.

Oh, so now you're in a relationship with this guy?

Well, I hope to be.

See, I knew you'd be upset.

I'm not upset.

And for your information, our breakup wasn't that bad. I just made it look

harder on myself for your benefit.

I'm happy for you. As a matter of fact, let's get some champagne. Tony, let's

have some champagne over here. We're going to celebrate.

Listen, Kate, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to go. There was a fire on sorority

row, and we have to go out and treat some of the girls for smoking elation.

Sorority girls?

That are frightened and homeless?

If you're going to sorority row, we know a shortcut.

If we do nothing more than cover one poor girl's exposed breasts with our

then by God, we can say we've done something noble. Ah.

Thanks, I don't need your help.

You know, at first I was kind of threatened that your three best friends

men.

I feel better now.

Listen, you want to ride an ambulance?

May I sit on your defibrillator?

Be peace, certainly.

Wow, so, Drew, Kate's got a new boyfriend. You seem to be taking this

well. Why shouldn't I?

Everybody deserves to be happy. Why not Kate? She deserves happiness.

If I couldn't give it to her, maybe Mr. Hero Paramedic. Hey, Drew, what's for

you to put in that bottle, man?

Oh, sorry.

This really could hurt somebody.

Ah,

stupid truce.

Ah,

it's just not the same thing.

You haven't slept in a few days, and a few days ago you met Eric.

I think the answer is quite obvious.

He's a witch who put a spell on you.

I'm sorry, I'm being idiotic. I meant warlock.

Oswald, don't be ridiculous, okay? He's just jealous, all right? Besides, if

Eric was a warlock, he could do a lot better than Kate.

I'm not jealous.

You're jealous.

You'd be better off if you just admit it, man.

Why is that?

Well, Kate's not going to be joining us for lunch. She'd rather be with Eric.

Oh, and why wouldn't she?

You know, she better hurry up. She doesn't have much time because those

-looking guys, they don't age very well.

I mean, you look at your, like, Harrison Ford or Paul Newman or Sean Connery

or... Damn it, I can't think of one guy.

See, huh? This is the face of jealousy, huh? Notice the bulging neck vein, the

tight chin, the flared nostrils, huh?

I bet an ant couldn't crawl up his anus right now.

Justine, I'll get the answer. All right.

I just came by to say hi.

Would you look at that?

Clumsy me.

How refreshing to be able to pick up a pencil and not have to worry about my

behind being vulnerable to a kick, jab, or maybe the possible application of a

humorous bumper sticker.

You're waving a stick in front of a hungry dog.

God help me, I want to hurt that butt.

It wants to be hurt.

What are we watching here?

I guess it's good that you're honoring the truth.

Wow, for you being jealous and all, you really showed some restraint there.

Can I tempt anyone to some microwave popcorn?

It's as much fun to make as it is to eat.

It was an

accident.

Drew, you think you'll be fired for hitting your boss?

He's not just my boss.

Well, you know, he's still my husband.

The hell?

It is so great the way you hit the boss.

We think you are the coolest guy in the store. Love the girls and lingerie.

P .S. We still won't go out with you.

Oh, here he comes. I've got to get rid of these.

Angel, you can be anything you want to be.

I'm sorry, Mr. Wick. I apologize. There's no excuse for what I did.

Ordinarily, I'd fire you right now.

But then you'd divorce me and I'd get deported.

So here's my proposal.

I get to hit you just as you hit me.

I guess it's only fair.

Besides, I'm always ready to take a punch. I'm an accordion player.

yummy you'll never know where or when it's coming

Sometimes I wonder why I married him, and then he does something cute like

Hey, guys. I'm glad I caught you. Eric has something he wants to tell you.

Well... He feels bad that I had to ditch lunch, so he wants to invite you all

for dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, you don't have to do that. Oh, no, no, no. Eric insists. He won't take no

for an answer. Yeah. Guys who let their women do the talking for them are tough

that way.

So, tomorrow night, 8 o 'clock, Tuscanos. And remember, it's my treat.

Got a good fellow there, Kate. Don't let him get away like he did me.

without my little Katie Bug.

I miss Katie Bug.

Katie Bug. Katie Bug and Eric Jackass.

I don't think this dinner is such a good idea. How are you going to get through

it? I don't know. You know, when I used to be able to take my frustrations out

of me, I could get through something like this, but now I don't know.

I'm screwed, man.

I lost my good ugly thing.

So, I get the two kids out of the burning building, but I know if I don't

back into that bunny, there's no way I'm going to sleep that night.

We didn't sleep that night.

Hey, uh, listen, you know what I'm going to order for dinner?

Rabbit. Maybe you can run to the kitchen and save that one, too.

Mimi, Steve, over here.

What are they doing here?

Don't you remember, dude? You asked us to invite them.

I can't believe it. My brother inviting my wife to dinner? Ooh, I knew this

truce would work out.

We're having peace for dinner, and I'm going back for seconds.

I just came because it makes the big guy so happy.

I scratch his back, and he scratches mine.

Oh, well, I won't continue because I don't know you very well.

That sure as hell ain't my back.

Hey, what is that over there, a nook?

I don't even know they made those anymore. Come on, let's go stand in it.

Are you crazy? I don't want Mimi here. What's gotten into your head?

Look, we're trying to help you get through dinner without making a scene

ruining your friendship with Kate. Now you've got Mimi here to take your anger

out on.

And before you call us idiots, yes, we know there's a truce. But there's ways

getting around it without Steve finding out. Show them, Louis.

Did you see that?

Yeah, I did see that.

Yeah, but Steve didn't.

Let's just order and get this damn magical dinner over with, shall we?

Later, please.

Good evening.

Would you like to hear about tonight's specials? No, I think we're all just

going to have the spaghetti, right?

Uh, Drew, I think we'd like to order for ourselves.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Spaghetti. Spaghetti.

Spaghetti. Spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Lasagna.

Can you cut it into long skinny noodles and form the meat into balls, please?

Well, if you can't make that kind of lasagna, then yeah, fine, forget it.

So, Eric, I hear you're a paramedic.

It's really not that big of a deal.

Oh, please.

He's like a doctor. A really ripped, pouty -lipped doctor.

Ow! My eye!

Oh, gee, I thought it was an accident.

Ah, but that really stings, huh?

What do you think?

Now, Amy, let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

Citrus can be unpredictable.

so much about me, but Kate's job is pretty special, too. I mean, today she

just telling me about some guy who did something.

You really listen. I love that.

What's the matter, sweetie?

Um, nothing.

So that's the game you're playing, huh?

I think I got a charley horse.

Oh, that's really tough.

Very often when you have it in one leg, you have it in the other.

You know, I used to get charley horses until I started stretching out in the

mornings.

You know what just happened here? I'm having a nice dinner, all of a sudden

not flexible.

Drew, I think Eric was just trying to be helpful.

You know how you can help me? You can shut up.

I don't like being told to shut up.

And I don't like telling people to shut up and they don't.

What do you make me, you dumbass?

Don't talk to my friend like that. Thank you, Kate.

Shut up.

Good.

I don't tell that jerk to shut up.

Shut up. He's not a jerk.

Wait a second. I don't get it. Whose side are you on?

I've known him all my life. I'm not taking sides.

Well, I think you just did.

Excuse me. I think someone I told to shut up is still talking.

You coming, Kate?

I know.

Fine.

How about a big thank you for Drew?

Oh, it's just great.

Oh my God, this is awful.

The guy that was going to pick up the check just left.

Look, I know you're mad and everything, but seriously, don't waste beer.

Look, uh... I'm sorry.

Yeah, you should be.

You know, Eric and I broke up because of tonight.

I got a confession to make.

I was jealous.

Worse, because he's the first guy you dated since we broke up.

Are you saying you want to get back together?

I don't know. Do you want to get back together?

I don't know.

Well, I still want to have kids.

I still don't.

Look, just because we can't be together doesn't mean I want to see you with

somebody else.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I just don't want you to be happy.

Wait, because I don't want you to be happy either.

Well, what are we going to do?

I guess you're going to keep being jealous until the right guy comes along.

How do I know when that is?

I don't know. I'll give you a sign.

what actually it didn't really hurt at all it didn't yeah