Original subtitles

Hey, Drew.

Something I always wanted to ask a guy who owns a motorcycle.

Can I have it when you get killed?

Oswald, do you know the chances of a guy getting killed on a... Yeah, sure.

Thanks, bud.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you guys be out buying ridiculous things with the insurance

got from Drew's death?

What's the beauty of being rich, Kate?

We don't have to go out and get ridiculous things. Ridiculous things

You got Slider, the Cleveland Indians mascot, to mow the lawn?

Yep, all for the low price of 2 ,000 bucks a day.

When the hospital fixes this, you guys are going to be in big trouble.

You better give back that money to the insurance company.

Hey, we're only spending the profits we made from investing the money, so I

resent that remark.

And so does... Burstyn,

the wonderful, whimsical chess buster.

That's all you need. Something else under your clothes that scares women.

Oh, that's right. I should have listened to your broker.

What is the price -earnings ratio on that motorcycle?

Okay, I know, I know. I spent some of the money, too.

But you know what? I feel great about it.

Hello? Hello?

Hi, I'm Julie Baker from Greater Ohio Life Insurance.

There was no answer at the front door, so I heard people talking and thought...

How can I help you?

They told me at the Warsaw that Oswald Harvey and Louis Koniski might be here.

We might be here and we might not.

They might be here and they might not.

Julie, I'd like you to meet Oswald Harvey and Louis Koniski.

Hi. You forgot to sign a couple of forms regarding Drew Carey's death benefits.

Ah.

So, whose motorcycle is that?

It's mine.

I'm Drew Carey's brother, Kyle.

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. Oh, don't worry about it. We weren't even

I'm much younger than he is.

That's right, I'm his younger, better -looking, kind of a bastard brother with

cooler name, don't you think?

Yeah, I like the name Kyle, and I really like motorcycles, but I've always been

too afraid to ride one.

You sound like a lady who's afraid of life.

Afraid of death.

Afraid of me.

Kyle.

You wouldn't consider taking me for a ride sometime, would you?

Sure. Just grab this helmet, hop on, and let's go.

Just meet me around front. I just need to drop these papers off in my car.

Are you crazy?

If she finds out about the scam, we're all going to jail. Who cares? Cute girl

likes me because I'm on a motorcycle?

Oh, my God. All these years I've spent trying to develop personality.

This is so not like you. Yeah, but it is just like Kyle.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

A strange woman wants to put her breast on my back.

What does he think he's doing?

How am I supposed to know? I just met Kyle.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go. Cleveland rocks.

Cleveland rocks.

Living in sin with a safety pin.

You know, bikers get a bum rap, but we're basically okay.

Wow, it's kind of dead in here tonight. Maybe we should come back with a little

more action.

I don't think I'd want to come back if there were any more action.

That's settled then. We're not coming back. It was your idea.

But, you know, from time to time I'm going to act afraid when I'm in there.

Something that really, really tough guys do.

Don't be alarmed if I run.

This is so cool.

I spend all day with these boring people in this boring insurance office staring

at the same three walls in my cubicle. Do you have any idea what that does to

you?

Oh, so we'll send it back. No, no, I wouldn't want you to make a fuss in a

like this. That's okay. Hey, bartender, ladies' beer is flat here. When I'm

ready.

Okie dokie.

I mean, okie dokie.

All right.

You want bubbles in your...

That you'll be dealing with the biggest badass in here.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if he's busy, don't bother him.

Her.

And I'm not busy.

You're the biggest badass in here? You got a problem with that? You don't think

a woman can be as tough as a man?

He's some kind of pig.

when thousands of you roamed our planes.

Oh, yeah? Well, I've seen you before.

You're what my dog spits up when he eats grass.

Oh, yeah?

You look like the girl in the porno movie that just sits...

Smelly Mary.

See, it's not one of those ironic nicknames.

Oh, my God, you did it.

What did he

say? He

said to watch out for you, that you're trouble.

Kyle, I have to admit I shake when I'm around you.

You are trouble.

I'm trouble?

I'm making a memory.

So, you're still dating the woman who could put us in jail?

Yeah, someone's bound to recognize you as Drew.

Don't worry, I'm not taking to my usual date spots.

I'm not going to any stamp shows, magic shops, coin stores, none of that stuff.

Although I do kind of miss magic shops. Magic's cool.

What am I saying?

Where the new me wants to kick the old me's ass.

if you're not going to pay me because i'm dead then i'm not coming into work

fine well as long as you are here though i took a telephone message for you you

know since mimi's been on maternity leave i've had to answer all my own

calls and you know you can't just pick up the receiver you have to press the

flashing button as well that's what's my message oh yes yes well i wrote it down

in a book marked messages now here's a funny thing i wrote it down on white

paper and then i looked underneath and there was a piece of pink paper that had

the words on it

Well, that's another story for another time. I stapled it, the pink copy, to a

letter that came in for you from the hospital.

Hey, it's from the doctor who declared you dead.

Hey, way to go. Drew, you're officially alive again.

Oh, well, congratulations, Gary.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and remove some staples with this little

animal.

I don't think some guy could just send me a piece of paper and all of a sudden

I'm Drew.

I mean, you know, I'm Kyle now.

Drew, how do I say this?

You put chaps and ate pagoda, he still ate pagoda.

No, you guys don't understand. See, when I'm Kyle, I think that anything is

possible.

You know what?

Drew's dead to me now.

Drew, you have to file that with the city.

No, no.

No, Drew doesn't exist anymore.

I'm Kyle forever now.

You know what?

I like matches better anyway.

They're more dangerous.

They always work when kids are flicking them at me in the parking lot.

You know what?

I'm going to rub these two pencils together.

I'm going to start a fire.

Then I'm going to hold this paper over my head and shout out to the world.

Long live Kyle!

You know, when Tom Hanks did this in Castaway, I couldn't take my eyes off.

way you were driving through the cemetery, weaving through all those

Yeah. Don't forget how I jumped over to that entire dead family.

I've never been with anyone like you before. You just don't follow the rules.

Yeah, hey, you know what I thought we could do? I thought maybe we could take

bath together.

A bath?

That doesn't sound too dangerous.

Well, you know, we'll leave the window open so it's nice and chilly when we get

out.

office and taking tomorrow off.

That's the spirit. I'll get us a couple beers.

still sleeping with the enemy, I see.

No, I'm bathing with the enemy.

And while we're in the bathtub, if things go right, you know, if she gives

right kind of signal, I might try to make a move.

Hi. Hi.

Well, that was weird. My office said they received a letter reversing your

brother's death certificate.

I'm sure it's just some clerical mistake, but I need to go down and clear

Yeah? That's good.

Because I couldn't date a woman who didn't know what a frying pan was.

Now, why don't you go take care of your business? Me and my friends are going to

talk.

Thanks.

All right, that settles it.

You guys have to return that money. I mean, right now.

short 10 grand oh no you didn't lose it in the stock market did you

no we're not idiots we cut an album

we hired musicians but we laid down all the vocals

the lewis and oswald experience

thousand of these or you can sell your bike what i gotta sell my motorcycle

please drew you gotta sell your bike we don't want to go to jail what does this

always happen to me no it doesn't happen to me it happens to drew trouble always

comes looking for drew but kyle goes looking for trouble the voices in your

are finished arguing are you gonna sell your bike

And by the way, you're not my type either.

Look at him. It's like Santa got my letter.

I'm here to sell my motorcycle.

Anybody want to buy my bike? I'll give you 10 grand.

I'll give you 12 ,000.

Sorry, Drew, we're trying to drive the price up so you can make more money.

Okay, listen, the truth is I just did $8 ,000 for the bike, so if anybody's got

$8 ,000... I'll give you $8 ,000 for it.

Mimi, what are you doing here?

Smelly Mary told me you were hanging out here.

We used to tag team wrestle together in Mexico.

Don't tell me. You wore a mask.

Congratulations. You're now officially a bitch on wheels.

Where'd you get this kind of money anyway?

I told you I was a big star in Mexico.

I endorsed a flour tortilla there.

Tortillas son delicioso.

All right, but we're still 400 short. Hey, Lewis, why didn't you sell your new

watch? What?

I just sold my motorcycle. The only thing that really ever meant anything to

the thing that got me a great girlfriend, and you have an expensive

come you didn't sell that?

Because Blake... can't be Blake without his Movado.

Blake? You're Blake now?

Oh, I see where the line is drawn.

Drew is a biker believable.

Lewis, as Blake Withers, three -time all -Scandinavian lose champion,

unbelievable.

Sure, you know, as long as we think of him, he's alive in our hearts. No, no,

no, no, no.

No, I did some checking. There was a mistake at the hospital.

And then when the insurance money was returned this morning, there was no

You don't know where he is, do you?

Yeah, you know, as a matter of fact, I do.

Let's, uh...

What? Look, be my friends. We return the insurance money, so please don't be

mad. Don't get me and my friends in trouble.

So you're Drew Carey? It says in your file that you're a middle manager at

Winford Louder. That's so... sad.

Listen, Kyle, it was just a part of me. It wasn't the motorcycle. It wasn't the

leather jacket.

Besides, I sold the motorcycle and the leather jacket.

But look...

I borrowed a 73 AMC Matador.

That's a lot more dangerous than any old motorcycle.

Is there any way you can get the bike back?

No, but come on, man. We'll hop in the Matador. We'll turn on the engine, let

warm up for about 30 minutes, and then we'll just go, go, go.

You know it'll never work.

Look, the problem is, you and I are too much alike.

We both need... something different.

Kyle was exciting for both of us.

Sorry, Drew.

You know, stability can rock too, you know.

Steady paycheck, no nasty surprises in bed.

I'll leave the door unlocked in case you change your mind.

I lived there in high school.