Original subtitles

I wonder where Drew is. He knew we were meeting him for lunch.

When are you reading the comics?

No, no.

I'm looking at a woman in a lingerie ad.

Why are you laughing?

Because I'm getting turned on by the newspaper.

I've reached a new low.

He's obituary. Some guy named Drew Carey died.

And he worked at Winford Louder.

And he was 42.

That explains why he's late.

Guys, they saw him late.

He goes!

Shaggy from Scooby -Doo, right?

I'm telling you, Drew Carey's dead. There's no way he's walking around

he's...

What the hell are you guys doing?

We found your obituary in the paper.

What?

Drew Carey.

Wow. Boy, he went for louder. Dead from a car accident. He was 42.

How'd this get in the paper?

Hey, pig.

Attention, shoppers. In honor of Drew Carey being dead, for the next hour, you

can get 50 % off all...

fault to have made any good underwear since the 50s?

You did this, didn't you?

How dare you? I'm deeply wounded by your insinuations. Yeah, I did it.

The hospital sent me and Steve your death certificate.

Well, why? I mean, I was in a coma, but I didn't die.

Hey, don't ask me. They sent it to Steve, and I go through his mail.

You send him money to sponsor those needy third world kids.

We got four already. No more.

You know, Drew, your heart did stop.

couple of times. So what?

Well, maybe no one thought you'd come out of it.

Well, I don't look like a corpse.

Well, to be fair, I mean, you are kind of pasty and you wear a dark suit.

Mimi Bobak.

What? Who is this?

Well, that's weird.

Some guy just told me Drew Carey says goodbye from beyond the grave.

Oh, my God. I almost forgot. It's my doomsday prank.

Your doomsday prank? What are you talking about?

Yeah, you see, I thought if I died before I was 50, you'd probably have

something to do with it.

So... A few years ago, I arranged a little payback

that would be triggered by my obituary.

Well, call it off. You're not really dead.

I can't. I don't even know the guy. I just put $500 in a hollow tree in the

park.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland

Living in sin with a safety pin gone.

Well, then where the heck's my pencil?

Well... Any luck at the hospital?

No. The doctor that filed my death certificate is the only one that can

it. He's in rehab.

Which explains why I was in so much pain when I came out of my coma. He was

taking all my drugs.

Hey guys, my shift is over.

Would you mind hanging up your tab?

Look how small it is.

My entire life can be covered up with a French fry.

Come on, let me see. I bet they left some good stuff out, huh?

Actually, I could cut this down to six words.

I'm sorry, but your credit card was declined.

What?

Did I miss it?

It can't be. I know I paid my credit card bill.

I didn't miss it.

Look at his face.

That's why we play the game right.

well enough alone, can you?

Oh, by the way, I didn't just send your death certificate to your credit card

company. I sent it to your bank, the DMV, and your video store.

Drew Carey no longer exists.

Do you know what a pain in the ass this is going to be to straighten it out?

And you know, I'm not the only one you hurt.

The people at the bank and the video store, they know me.

They're going to be sad.

Not that you care, but Drew Carey's dead.

Drew, we went by your house looking for you. We thought you'd be too upset to go

to work. I thought I'd come here early and get a start on my biography.

Oh, there you go. Finished.

Well, you can stop being depressed because we're here to prove to you that

life has had meaning.

That's right. Kate, tell Drew what your life would have been like without him.

Well, I wouldn't have my best friend.

I mean, you mean more to me than anyone.

I never feel alone because I always have you.

I've heard you say that to a pitcher of beer.

Hey, remember when I was 18 and I was crazy in love with Carla Conrad? We

to go to Europe and get married, but you talked me out of it by telling me I was

too young, huh? You were right. That would have been the biggest mistake of

life. Whatever happened to her? I don't know.

Actually, I heard she became a lingerie model in New York until she inherited

$10 million.

No, that probably would have only lasted a few years. Then what would I have,

huh? Five million dollars and a lifetime of memories of spanking a perfect heart

-shaped ass?

Hey, Drew, forget about these guys. I've got something to cheer you up. I found

an obituary of a guy. It's worse than yours.

Dead frozen Indian found on highway.

Look, drunken cowboy suspect.

All right, look, we were saving this.

Maybe your life has been for nothing, but your death has made us filthy rich.

How did you guys get all this?

Well, remember back in high school when you weren't in the greatest shape and

you ran that four -hour mile? Yeah.

encourage you to eat healthier and exercise, but we decided to keep our

shut and take out a life insurance policy on you.

I don't believe you guys.

How could you even think of profiting from Drew's death? He's your friend.

Will a thousand shut you up?

No. What you did was completely rep... Wow, a thousand dollar bill.

The policy paid fifty thousand dollars, but thanks to a fast little horse named

Buzzcut, we turned that into eighty.

I shouldn't even tell you guys this because you deserve to go to jail, but

have to take this money back. It's illegal.

Hey, calm down, Shirley. Don't die twice, okay?

Mimi triggered the check. We just spent the profit, okay? We're going to give

the insurance company back its money as soon as you're officially alive again.

Yeah, and since all your accounts are frozen, you're the only reason we have

We'd be happy to give you some money now that we're rich and better than you.

No,

I'm not going to take your money. It's illegal.

But it is kind of cool you have a briefcase full of money.

Hello, hi, everybody.

I'm off to Hawaii, a beautiful island paradise America stole from its natives.

Bravo.

You're not going to Hawaii. I saw that plastic surgery brochure on your desk.

And by the way, the surgery you want just makes it lumpier. It doesn't make

longer.

No, no, no. I really am going. And I have you to thank for this. As your

husband, I'm entitled to a week's paid bereavement leave.

And I can't think of a better place to mourn than Hawaii.

As a sign of my mourning, all the women I sleep with will be black.

That's just great.

Wick goes to Hawaii, you guys get rich, I die, everybody else goes to heaven.

We offered to cut you in.

That's not the point.

The point is I've helped more people dead than alive.

I mean, look at this guy.

All the list of his organizations he belonged to takes up more space than my

whole obituary.

You know, if I'm one of the like that adds up to something, I've got to care

too. I've got to volunteer somewhere.

It's a great idea.

My uncle was general of the Salvation Army.

Until he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Goodwill store.

There was blood and platform shoes everywhere.

All I've got to do is I've got to find a cause I believe in.

And I just have to volunteer there. I have to make a difference.

You want to put your name down?

Excuse me. I've come to this community help center because I have a friend

more attracted to his girlfriend's brother than his girlfriend.

There's nothing wrong with him.

He may just be bisexual or gay.

talking about your friend?

You're right.

I should just be myself.

I'm gay and proud of it.

Crisis averted.

Okay, that was the last video.

This pretty much completes the crisis intervention training program.

I want to thank you guys for hanging in there.

Let's get you guys to work. It's not work to me. I'd help these people for

You are.

Hey, uh, are you guys sure you want to do this, working at a crisis center?

Because you're more like crisis makers than crisis solvers.

No, we want to do it. Besides, it looks bad when rich people don't volunteer. I

believe it's called noblesse oblige.

He paid a college professor 100 bucks an hour to teach him to say that.

These are your desks. If you have any problems, I'll be in my office.

I need to talk to somebody.

I'll help you, man.

Pick me, pick me, pick me.

Okay, whatever.

I win, I win. Smelly guy's talking to me.

Now, how can I help you?

I'm in real trouble, man. I spend every cent I have on drugs.

That is a problem. Drugs are expensive.

liquor store across the street but then i saw this place and decided that maybe

it was time to turn my life around there's a liquor store across the street

Nymphomaniac tour.

By law, I have to ask that.

Well, no.

But I do sleep around a little.

That's why my parents kicked me out when I was 16.

Well, it sounds to me like you need to get back at your parents.

And as we say in the counseling game, there's... No closure with your clothes

on.

Hey, I came in here for help. Are you hitting on me?

I'm sorry. You're not as screwed up as you made yourself out to be.

It's a waste of time. These people don't want to be helped. Yeah, you're right.

This blows.

Let's get out of here. I'll see you later. We'll be back to pick you up

okay? Wait, don't go.

Remember what I said in the video. Don't put your helping hand in the I don't

care glove.

Can I help you?

Okay. It's kind of personal. It's about my marriage.

You're probably married, right?

No. Divorced?

No, I've never been married. Really?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, I want to get married. I just haven't found anybody to marry me yet.

I'm sorry.

So what's the problem?

I'm thinking it's the hair and glasses.

for the first time in 18 years.

I rolled over and looked at my wife and I don't think I love her anymore.

We've got nothing in common. I'm thinking about leaving her.

I don't know.

You know, the only woman I've loved for 18 years is my mom.

If I rolled over and bed next to her, I'd have bigger problems and boredom.

I'm having a problem with my kids.

Well, I don't have kids, but I'd love to try to help you.

Well, my husband and I each have one child from our previous marriages, and

have one together, and none of them get along.

His kid won't listen to me because I'm not his mom.

My kid won't listen to me because I am his mom.

The kid we have together is being pressured to use steroids by the other

of his football team. What do I do?

I'd like to talk to someone about my drinking problem.

Oh! Finally, something I can relate to.

Man.

So, what do you got?

Morning shakes, night fevers, peaking of plastic whistles you don't remember

swallowing? Come on.

Actually,

I've been drinking a lot lately because I'm just depressed.

I'm a pilot.

They forced me into early retirement.

Oh, you're a pilot, huh? What'd you learn to fly in the military or

No, I took aviation at Kent State.

Oh, Kent State. I went there.

Yeah, I, uh... I wanted to take aviation too, but I didn't.

Best thing I ever did.

I've been everywhere.

I've seen everything.

I traveled the world on the internet.

I almost got to the top of hikeeverest .com, but then my computer froze.

Maybe you should talk to somebody.

There's something that might cheer you up, Drew.

We rented a horse and a carriage.

Yeah, it's waiting outside to take us to any drive -thru we want.

We can eat fast food the way our ancestors did.

I want my cut of the insurance money.

What?

I haven't been tested.

I don't have any life experiences.

I want to start living. I can't do that without money. So come on.

Come on, hand it over.

You sure, Drew? You said it was illegal.

I don't care.

I'm not dying again without living.

change this into a traveler's check.

Lewis,

why are you in a wheelchair?

Well, now that we're rich, Oswald and I have decided We're not going to walk

anymore.

Walking's for the poor.

You guys are so immature of all the things you could have spent your money

You want a ride, don't you?

I told you these things would be great for picking up chicks.

It's all about what a guy drives.

This is great. Can we go to the fridge and get a beer?

I

can't

wait till Sunday when I go to church, stand up, make some preacher's day.

What's that?

Drew?

So?

What do you think?

I think you're crazy.

Tell it to the kid in the big wheel who I don't think will be riding in the

street anymore.

he's not secure enough in his manhood to drive a wheelchair.

Drew, is that you?

It's us.

Aren't you going to ask us why we're being carried by two large men?

Nope.

Okay, fine.

Mine needs new shoes. Let's go by the footlocker. Giddy up.