All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s06e17 Hush Little Baby

Oh, he won't stop, Steve.

He won't say anything about crying
babies.

It says infants sometimes respond to
their reflection in shiny objects.

You little belly, you want to take a
look at yourself and dad's shiny bald

You call me bald? I'm not the one with
72 wigs.

Well, I don't know what to do.

How can a doctor say that there's
nothing wrong with him? He hasn't

crying since we brought him home from
the hospital.

Well, we haven't tried dancing for him.
Maybe he'd like that.

Pop and lock. Break it down.

What

are you all

doing here?

Here to see my nephew.

We're old friends, remember?

Oh, yeah, that's right. You met on the
way to heaven while you were in a coma.

He wants you to step in front of a bus.
He needs a fourth for bridge.

What's wrong, huh?

Oh, my God.

Maybe Drew got the baby to stop crying.

Geez, it's so simple. Why didn't we try
tickling him?

He loves his mommy.

Okay, what's the trick? Where's his
giggle button?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's here.

Or it could be here.

Or it could be here.

Oh, big deal. He probably thinks you're
one of those stupid genital -free

Teletubbies.

Believe me, when I'm around you, I'm as
genital -free as a man can get.

Steve, are you catching a cold? If you
are, get away from the baby.

My throat is a little scratchy. You
know, there's a nasty flu going around.

away from me. I use my sick days only
for hangovers and soap opera weddings.

I'm not worried. Never been sick a day
in my life.

You know, a drug called I'm exposed to
every infectious disease known to man or

monkey.

That one time a disease -ridden monkey
bit me.

I didn't get sick. The monkey got
better.

Come on, Steve. Cough on me.

Come on.

Do it.

Do it.

No. No, thank you.

All right.

Well, maybe next time when I say spit in
my face, you'll do it.

Oh, my God, Steve, you are getting sick.
You have to get away from the baby. Get

out of here. No, I have to help you.

You know, if you're sick, you can stay
at my place for a couple days.

All right, I'll go, but only if you
promise to stay here and help Mimi with

baby. What?

Forget it. Yeah, forget it. You just
pushed post -baby sex back a month,

You want to go for two?

Go for two. Go for two.

No, seriously, Drew, you're the only
person who's been able to get the baby

stop crying.

Well, you don't cry around Mimi. Why
don't you tell the baby your secret?

I'm really worried.

You know, he hasn't eaten in over a day,
and if he doesn't eat soon, I'm afraid

he's going to get sick.

All right.

I'll stay here with Mimi, but just for a
little while until the baby gets

better.

Remember that time you pulled me from
the frozen lake?

Yeah. Why'd you do it?

Push me? Where the hell do you men get
off making decisions about my baby?

Mimi, remember what we said about no
negativity or anger around the baby?

You're right, but I don't need the pig's
help. I could do this myself.

Isn't that right, precious baby?

Okay, he could stay, but he's got to
keep his mouth shut and my baby's butt

clean I could eat an egg off of it.

Thank you both for putting aside your
petty differences for the sake of the

baby. Come on, Steve. We'll get you
settled in at Drew's house. Yeah, get

Just let me get some things together.
Okay.

I put a little something together in
case you ever cheated on me.

All these clothes are ripped.

Well, you shouldn't have cheated on me.

All this energy calling.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson
lips go Cleveland rock, Cleveland rock.

Living in sin with a safety bed gone.

just by walking in here.

That's nice.

I think you need to disinfect your
attitude, Missy.

I am so sick of taking care of Steve. I
wish Drew would come back from Mimi's

already. Oh, I feel bad for Steve. I
don't want to take care of him. Can I

a spoon, please?

Sit down, my friend. I have some
horrible news.

I, Louis Koniski, am dying.

You are not dying. You must have caught
Steve's cold.

Oh, please, Kate. My head hurts. My
throat's sore. My nose is stuffed up. I

blah all over. Does that sound like a
cold to you?

I'll have to run some tests.

But yes, it's a cold.

Well, forgive me, but having sex with
this stock boy at the Walmart pharmacy

doesn't make you a medical expert.

Maybe you should see a doctor. There's
no time, you fool. Look at me.

I'll be lucky if I live 24 hours.

So I've decided until the time I die
that I'm going to be a totally honest

person.

So go ahead, ask me anything.

I'll get the ball rolling.

Kate, when I talk to you on the phone...
Let me guess, you're masturbating.

It starts out that way, but I... I lose
interest because you're so damn boring.

Because I know you're masturbating, it's
so obvious when you say, tell me about

your day, you dirty girl.

Is there anything you want to ask me?

How do really big birds stay up in the
air?

Like ostriches.

How about me? Is there anything you want
to ask about me?

No, I'm kind of in a bird place right
now.

All right, but I have something I have
to tell you.

I secretly planted a camera.

Every time you go to the bathroom,
you're on the Internet.

Here's your share of the money I made.

By the way, you're the 10th most
recognizable person in Japan.

What are you doing?

Keeping it together.

Keeping it together.

Look, you've been doing this all night.
Why don't you just put some of your milk

in a bottle and take a nap and I'll feed
the baby?

No. I've been hauling these milk bags
around for 30 years. He's damn well

to use them.

Come on. Be reasonable.

You look awful.

Herb.

You've got to get some rest.

How can I rest when my baby won't eat?

How you doing? Not fair.

I spent all night loosening the jar and
you just walk in and open it?

I'm the mommy! I'm the mommy! I'm the
mommy!

Maybe he's just a bizarro baby. You
know, he cries around the people he

and laughs around the people he hates.

And you hate me, don't you? I hate you
too.

Just stop it!

You're not going to be satisfied until
my baby's giggling in delight, you

monster!

or I wouldn't lose my temper ever in
front of the baby.

Oh, look.

He's calm now. Why don't you try to feed
him now?

Oh, that doesn't work. Every time you
hand him to me, he starts to cry.

The only way he's going to eat is if you
hold him to my...

What

do you mean?

No, no, no!

Are you here to help me or not, pig?

All right.

Just give me a minute.

Here.

Where does, uh... Where does Steve keep
the booze? Bedroom, probably, right?

Right over there.

Hard and sore.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Okay. Here we go, buddy.

It's going to be okay.

put some toner in the copier today?

It's good.

Softball side of sheets almost full.

The sheerer thick the team will go all
the way.

Oops, baby slipped. I got it.

better than you. But the baby won't eat
unless you're here, so you gotta stay

around. This could be happening.

Oh, and there's a 4 a .m. feeding, so
you might as well just stay here.

I could get a towel. It'll be like
scrambled eggs for breakfast.

No.

Two weeks.

No.

No. This is not my ugly house.

This is not my

My God, what have I done?

Hey, guys.

Hey. How's Steve doing?

Well, he's miserable without Mimi and
the baby, but he's still too sick to see

him. Yeah, he's been having the craziest
fever dreams. We taped one last night.

Get this.

I'm just a girl who can't say.

Oh,

he still has a bad cold and he thinks
he's dying. So he's doing all sorts of

weird stuff.

Yeah, yesterday he gave a bum a quarter
and didn't make him dance for it.

Hey, buddy.

Looks like you're feeling better.

No, I'm still dying.

But I figure as long as I am, I'm going
to go out living by my rules, not

society.

Is that like that?

Would you prefer this?

Oh, man, now it's all squished together.

I'm sorry. I'm a gay or anything. I just
can't take my eyes off it.

Excuse me, but you can't sit here naked.

Ed, why not?

You know, I am so tired of you people
who think that clothes are everything.

Look at me.

This is what an average man... looks
like with his clothes on.

I'm not ashamed.

Are you?

You tell him, Lewis.

I

don't

care. Let him arrest me.

Pardon me.

Hello.

I need a little help. My car's stuck in
the snow.

I'll help you.

I haven't got long to live, and I need
to score some points with the big guy.

Thank you very much.

Say, I admire your courage and your
skill with a razor.

Oh, thank God you're here. The baby's
been crying ever since you left, and I

don't know what to do.

Please, Drew, the baby needs you, and I
need you. Stop drinking. Come home.

Stop drinking and come home.

Man, I bet I'm the last guy from my high
school to hear that.

Look, Amy, I'd like to help you, but
it's not my baby. You're going to have

raise it by yourself eventually.

I mean, I can't. But I tried everything,
haven't I? Haven't I, sweet pea?

See?

He loves you and hates me.

I'm the worst mommy in the world.

You take him.

Don't worry, little fella. It'll be
okay.

This is Mommy.

Mama.

Mama.

Not an idiot pig. The baby's only a week
old.

I'm not going to fall for that stupid
trick.

Hey, mister.

You look like a nice guy. You want to
buy a baby?

Oh, I don't know.

Let me look at him.

Seems Mom doesn't want him anymore.

Well, might have to ask the missus, but
he sure is cute.

Remember, an email is not as special as
a letter.

If you just give me a chance, I know I
can make the baby accept you.

No, I'm a horrible, disgusting person.

Agreed, but... I think we can trick his
unformed little brain.

Look, I called my mom. She gave me a
really great idea. Here, put this on.

What is it?

It's one of my shirts. I wore it all day
yesterday. It has my scent.

Fine, fine.

I'll do anything for him.

Oh, yeah, you're my sweet little... It's
just

no use.

No!

Sorry.

Don't worry, it was a rag the minute you
put it on.

Um, here, hold it, baby. I'll call my
mom. Maybe she can give us another idea.

I'm sorry.

I know I shouldn't be... here, but I had
to see my babies. I miss you both so

much. Get away from the baby!

If this baby gets sick, I swear I'll cut
off the part of you that made him.

If I don't pull through, give him this
irregularly shaped piece of yard I did

for him.

You have to hand wash it in cold water,
and then... Get out! Just get out!

Hey,

Mimi, uh,

Say something nice and sweet to the
baby.

Why? Because I think I figured out why
he's crying all the time.

You're so cute. He loves his mommy.

Now, say something mean to me.

Bite my crank, you jug -eared, bubble
-ass, giant pyramid of crap.

What the hell?

Don't you get it?

You were carrying around for nine
months, yelling and screaming.

Now you're all sweet to me, he doesn't
recognize you.

Mommy, he knows it's hostile, mean, and
hateful.

Is that it, pumpkin?

Drew Carey is a hairy, back -to -sink, P
.I. goober.

Wow.

I don't have to be some phony, baloney,
sugar -coated, Mary Poppins mommy.

I can just be me.

That's right. You can just be you, I can
just be me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my hand and I
have some making up to do.

Oh, I'm so happy I'm feeling better and
I can hold my little... Hello, my li...

Mimi, we really have to decide on a name
for him.

Here, give it to me. I'll name him.

Let's see.

Hey, buddy.

What do you look like? You look like
King Augustus Antonio Carey.

I like it.

Oh, I like it.

You do. You do. You look just like him.
To Gus, this is Antonio Carey. But you

smell just like a locker room in
Baltimore.

Okay, now that we named him, who's going
to change him?