Original subtitles

Oh, he won't stop, Steve.

He won't say anything about crying babies.

It says infants sometimes respond to their reflection in shiny objects.

You little belly, you want to take a look at yourself and dad's shiny bald

You call me bald? I'm not the one with 72 wigs.

Well, I don't know what to do.

How can a doctor say that there's nothing wrong with him? He hasn't

crying since we brought him home from the hospital.

Well, we haven't tried dancing for him. Maybe he'd like that.

Pop and lock. Break it down.

What

are you all

doing here?

Here to see my nephew.

We're old friends, remember?

Oh, yeah, that's right. You met on the way to heaven while you were in a coma.

He wants you to step in front of a bus. He needs a fourth for bridge.

What's wrong, huh?

Oh, my God.

Maybe Drew got the baby to stop crying.

Geez, it's so simple. Why didn't we try tickling him?

He loves his mommy.

Okay, what's the trick? Where's his giggle button?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's here.

Or it could be here.

Or it could be here.

Oh, big deal. He probably thinks you're one of those stupid genital -free

Teletubbies.

Believe me, when I'm around you, I'm as genital -free as a man can get.

Steve, are you catching a cold? If you are, get away from the baby.

My throat is a little scratchy. You know, there's a nasty flu going around.

away from me. I use my sick days only for hangovers and soap opera weddings.

I'm not worried. Never been sick a day in my life.

You know, a drug called I'm exposed to every infectious disease known to man or

monkey.

That one time a disease -ridden monkey bit me.

I didn't get sick. The monkey got better.

Come on, Steve. Cough on me.

Come on.

Do it.

Do it.

No. No, thank you.

All right.

Well, maybe next time when I say spit in my face, you'll do it.

Oh, my God, Steve, you are getting sick. You have to get away from the baby. Get

out of here. No, I have to help you.

You know, if you're sick, you can stay at my place for a couple days.

All right, I'll go, but only if you promise to stay here and help Mimi with

baby. What?

Forget it. Yeah, forget it. You just pushed post -baby sex back a month,

You want to go for two?

Go for two. Go for two.

No, seriously, Drew, you're the only person who's been able to get the baby

stop crying.

Well, you don't cry around Mimi. Why don't you tell the baby your secret?

I'm really worried.

You know, he hasn't eaten in over a day, and if he doesn't eat soon, I'm afraid

he's going to get sick.

All right.

I'll stay here with Mimi, but just for a little while until the baby gets

better.

Remember that time you pulled me from the frozen lake?

Yeah. Why'd you do it?

Push me? Where the hell do you men get off making decisions about my baby?

Mimi, remember what we said about no negativity or anger around the baby?

You're right, but I don't need the pig's help. I could do this myself.

Isn't that right, precious baby?

Okay, he could stay, but he's got to keep his mouth shut and my baby's butt

clean I could eat an egg off of it.

Thank you both for putting aside your petty differences for the sake of the

baby. Come on, Steve. We'll get you settled in at Drew's house. Yeah, get

Just let me get some things together. Okay.

I put a little something together in case you ever cheated on me.

All these clothes are ripped.

Well, you shouldn't have cheated on me.

All this energy calling.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland rock, Cleveland rock.

Living in sin with a safety bed gone.

just by walking in here.

That's nice.

I think you need to disinfect your attitude, Missy.

I am so sick of taking care of Steve. I wish Drew would come back from Mimi's

already. Oh, I feel bad for Steve. I don't want to take care of him. Can I

a spoon, please?

Sit down, my friend. I have some horrible news.

I, Louis Koniski, am dying.

You are not dying. You must have caught Steve's cold.

Oh, please, Kate. My head hurts. My throat's sore. My nose is stuffed up. I

blah all over. Does that sound like a cold to you?

I'll have to run some tests.

But yes, it's a cold.

Well, forgive me, but having sex with this stock boy at the Walmart pharmacy

doesn't make you a medical expert.

Maybe you should see a doctor. There's no time, you fool. Look at me.

I'll be lucky if I live 24 hours.

So I've decided until the time I die that I'm going to be a totally honest

person.

So go ahead, ask me anything.

I'll get the ball rolling.

Kate, when I talk to you on the phone... Let me guess, you're masturbating.

It starts out that way, but I... I lose interest because you're so damn boring.

Because I know you're masturbating, it's so obvious when you say, tell me about

your day, you dirty girl.

Is there anything you want to ask me?

How do really big birds stay up in the air?

Like ostriches.

How about me? Is there anything you want to ask about me?

No, I'm kind of in a bird place right now.

All right, but I have something I have to tell you.

I secretly planted a camera.

Every time you go to the bathroom, you're on the Internet.

Here's your share of the money I made.

By the way, you're the 10th most recognizable person in Japan.

What are you doing?

Keeping it together.

Keeping it together.

Look, you've been doing this all night. Why don't you just put some of your milk

in a bottle and take a nap and I'll feed the baby?

No. I've been hauling these milk bags around for 30 years. He's damn well

to use them.

Come on. Be reasonable.

You look awful.

Herb.

You've got to get some rest.

How can I rest when my baby won't eat?

How you doing? Not fair.

I spent all night loosening the jar and you just walk in and open it?

I'm the mommy! I'm the mommy! I'm the mommy!

Maybe he's just a bizarro baby. You know, he cries around the people he

and laughs around the people he hates.

And you hate me, don't you? I hate you too.

Just stop it!

You're not going to be satisfied until my baby's giggling in delight, you

monster!

or I wouldn't lose my temper ever in front of the baby.

Oh, look.

He's calm now. Why don't you try to feed him now?

Oh, that doesn't work. Every time you hand him to me, he starts to cry.

The only way he's going to eat is if you hold him to my...

What

do you mean?

No, no, no!

Are you here to help me or not, pig?

All right.

Just give me a minute.

Here.

Where does, uh... Where does Steve keep the booze? Bedroom, probably, right?

Right over there.

Hard and sore.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Okay. Here we go, buddy.

It's going to be okay.

put some toner in the copier today?

It's good.

Softball side of sheets almost full.

The sheerer thick the team will go all the way.

Oops, baby slipped. I got it.

better than you. But the baby won't eat unless you're here, so you gotta stay

around. This could be happening.

Oh, and there's a 4 a .m. feeding, so you might as well just stay here.

I could get a towel. It'll be like scrambled eggs for breakfast.

No.

Two weeks.

No.

No. This is not my ugly house.

This is not my

My God, what have I done?

Hey, guys.

Hey. How's Steve doing?

Well, he's miserable without Mimi and the baby, but he's still too sick to see

him. Yeah, he's been having the craziest fever dreams. We taped one last night.

Get this.

I'm just a girl who can't say.

Oh,

he still has a bad cold and he thinks he's dying. So he's doing all sorts of

weird stuff.

Yeah, yesterday he gave a bum a quarter and didn't make him dance for it.

Hey, buddy.

Looks like you're feeling better.

No, I'm still dying.

But I figure as long as I am, I'm going to go out living by my rules, not

society.

Is that like that?

Would you prefer this?

Oh, man, now it's all squished together.

I'm sorry. I'm a gay or anything. I just can't take my eyes off it.

Excuse me, but you can't sit here naked.

Ed, why not?

You know, I am so tired of you people who think that clothes are everything.

Look at me.

This is what an average man... looks like with his clothes on.

I'm not ashamed.

Are you?

You tell him, Lewis.

I

don't

care. Let him arrest me.

Pardon me.

Hello.

I need a little help. My car's stuck in the snow.

I'll help you.

I haven't got long to live, and I need to score some points with the big guy.

Thank you very much.

Say, I admire your courage and your skill with a razor.

Oh, thank God you're here. The baby's been crying ever since you left, and I

don't know what to do.

Please, Drew, the baby needs you, and I need you. Stop drinking. Come home.

Stop drinking and come home.

Man, I bet I'm the last guy from my high school to hear that.

Look, Amy, I'd like to help you, but it's not my baby. You're going to have

raise it by yourself eventually.

I mean, I can't. But I tried everything, haven't I? Haven't I, sweet pea?

See?

He loves you and hates me.

I'm the worst mommy in the world.

You take him.

Don't worry, little fella. It'll be okay.

This is Mommy.

Mama.

Mama.

Not an idiot pig. The baby's only a week old.

I'm not going to fall for that stupid trick.

Hey, mister.

You look like a nice guy. You want to buy a baby?

Oh, I don't know.

Let me look at him.

Seems Mom doesn't want him anymore.

Well, might have to ask the missus, but he sure is cute.

Remember, an email is not as special as a letter.

If you just give me a chance, I know I can make the baby accept you.

No, I'm a horrible, disgusting person.

Agreed, but... I think we can trick his unformed little brain.

Look, I called my mom. She gave me a really great idea. Here, put this on.

What is it?

It's one of my shirts. I wore it all day yesterday. It has my scent.

Fine, fine.

I'll do anything for him.

Oh, yeah, you're my sweet little... It's just

no use.

No!

Sorry.

Don't worry, it was a rag the minute you put it on.

Um, here, hold it, baby. I'll call my mom. Maybe she can give us another idea.

I'm sorry.

I know I shouldn't be... here, but I had to see my babies. I miss you both so

much. Get away from the baby!

If this baby gets sick, I swear I'll cut off the part of you that made him.

If I don't pull through, give him this irregularly shaped piece of yard I did

for him.

You have to hand wash it in cold water, and then... Get out! Just get out!

Hey,

Mimi, uh,

Say something nice and sweet to the baby.

Why? Because I think I figured out why he's crying all the time.

You're so cute. He loves his mommy.

Now, say something mean to me.

Bite my crank, you jug -eared, bubble -ass, giant pyramid of crap.

What the hell?

Don't you get it?

You were carrying around for nine months, yelling and screaming.

Now you're all sweet to me, he doesn't recognize you.

Mommy, he knows it's hostile, mean, and hateful.

Is that it, pumpkin?

Drew Carey is a hairy, back -to -sink, P .I. goober.

Wow.

I don't have to be some phony, baloney, sugar -coated, Mary Poppins mommy.

I can just be me.

That's right. You can just be you, I can just be me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my hand and I have some making up to do.

Oh, I'm so happy I'm feeling better and I can hold my little... Hello, my li...

Mimi, we really have to decide on a name for him.

Here, give it to me. I'll name him.

Let's see.

Hey, buddy.

What do you look like? You look like King Augustus Antonio Carey.

I like it.

Oh, I like it.

You do. You do. You look just like him. To Gus, this is Antonio Carey. But you

smell just like a locker room in Baltimore.

Okay, now that we named him, who's going to change him?