Original subtitles

Doctor, what's happening?

His breathing's very labored.

But it's always that way.

Since we've taken him off life support, he's fallen deeper into the coma.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we're losing him.

Drew, I... I can't let you go without getting this off my chest.

I cheated you out of $200.

What?

Remember that time that you gained weight on the Dr. Von Diedelman

diet?

I'm Dr. Von Diedelman.

Drew, as long as we're confessing, I've got something to tell you, too.

You know that kinky thing I said I only did with you?

I do it with everyone.

It's what I'm known for.

You can't hold this inside any longer.

Drew?

I slept with Oswald's mom.

What does that have to do with Drew?

Nothing, but he loves to hear stuff like this.

Oswald's mom was amazing.

She even did the Kate thing.

I better check on poor Drew. He could be dying even as we speak.

You're not going anywhere, Steve.

My contractions are getting closer.

Now, where's that damn video guy? I want him here filming when I poop out the

baby.

Maybe don't turn the audio off.

I might have to get your bag out of your car. No, I'll just be going to dig my

eyes out with a spoon.

Quick, quick.

Our video guy didn't show up, and I can't do it because I'm the labor coach.

You've got to do this for me, please.

Please!

He's almost gone.

Come on, Drew.

Don't give up.

Drew Carey, you listen to me.

You are not going to leave us. You're going to open your eyes and come back to

us this very moment because we love you.

The rest of the world will go to the place of the man.

I'm on my way to be born.

Oh, hey.

It's nice to meet you.

Where are you going?

I am going up to heaven, and I couldn't be happier.

No more real life for me.

No more heartache, no more taking crap at work.

Hey, good luck on that big ball of suffering I call Earth.

They said all babies have unlimited potential, and life is what you make of

gotta go. My brother's expecting you.

Really? What's my dad like, anyway?

Oh, you're gonna love him. He's great.

What's my mom like?

You know what else you're gonna love?

Ham.

Really? What's my mom like?

Uh, you know, the Beauty and the Beast?

She's like one of them.

Which one?

Your dad's really great.

I don't want a mom

Mimi's a little different, but I know she's going to love you.

She already started making a little velvet jumpsuit with a big purple hat.

You're going to look like the world's smallest pimp.

What's a pimp?

Oh, that's kind of hard to explain.

Hey, let me hear you say this.

Bitch, where's my money?

Bitch, where's my money?

That's funny coming out of a baby.

You think that's funny? Watch this. I'm going back to heaven.

Contractions are slowing.

It's like the baby doesn't want to come out.

Oh, no, you don't. You're not going to start disobeying your mom now. You're

coming out pronto.

Foursets!

I told you, don't give her the instruments.

Hey,

come on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on.

You're going to break their hearts if you're not born.

Come on, sure, Mimi might be mean to some people, but I'm sure she's going to

great to her own kid.

Yeah? Prove it.

How am I supposed to prove something like that?

Well, since my body's about to pop out and it needs a soul, why don't you go

down instead?

You can show me it'll be okay to be Mimi's kid.

Well, I'm kind of on my way to heaven right now.

Fine. I'll go up with you. It's karaoke night.

Karaoke? I thought this was heaven.

All right. I'll do it.

I want to show you what great parents you have.

Oh, man. I can't believe I'm doing this.

Oh, they better rinse me off pretty good when I come out of there.

establish the hour.

Oh God, here he comes!

And then a very, very slow pan to the cute nurse.

What's her story? What's she thinking?

Just let me clean him up for you.

Well, hurry up.

He's trying to make little baby noises.

Well, I guess this won't be so bad for a couple hours. I mean, nobody loves me.

All I gotta do is eat and poop.

Mimi, we didn't discuss this. Do you want to circumcise your baby?

I'm going to get a stuffed pig.

You know that little guy?

They're going to take yet another picture of me. You know why? Because she

me. She cherishes me.

Isn't that a good mother?

I'll get it.

Baby, don't! Baby, don't!

Is he okay?

This could be about Drew.

He's fine.

Yeah. Okay, thanks.

That was Kate.

She said Drew could be in the coma indefinitely, so they decided to take

home.

Well, that'll be the first vegetable in that house.

Sorry, honey.

They can do whatever they want with my body. Because when I'm done with this,

I'm going straight to heaven.

What are you doing?

breakfast for me. I'm not really a breakfast person.

Why does he always fight this?

Never eat anything bigger than a head. Haven't you ever heard that?

No, me neither.

Maybe he'd take it if you put a little honey on your nipple.

Maybe he'd put a steak and a whore on her nipple like Stumpfbite.

Take a drink! You take a drink!

Damn it, suckle me!

Maybe we should try again later.

Forget about what you saw. We've done some good things today.

Okay, so let's switch.

One, two, three, switch.

Damn, I'm going to be a baby my whole life.

Maybe he has a temperature.

You get the thermometer and I'll open up his diaper.

Not a waitress. I work for the patient.

Huh. Okay.

Who wants beer?

Oh, the patient is thirsty, nurse bitch.

Hey, how's Drew doing? He's up 300 bucks.

Sorry, no change.

Did you bring the baby?

Yeah, maybe he'll be in in a minute.

How you doing, little brother?

Why is there an ace up Drew's sleeve?

Because we wanted him to win.

Beautiful lady with a beautiful baby.

Would you guys watch the baby for a second? I'd take him in there, but I

don't want him to catch the coma.

you guys are here. Now listen to me very carefully.

I'm trapped inside the body of a baby. You have to help me out.

Listen,

this is really important.

It's a metaphysical nightmare.

One of you people have to... Lewis,

look at my eyes.

Don't you see Drew Carey inside of here?

New baby smell.

I hope Drew comes out of his coma so you can meet him.

Well, if he doesn't, we're going to tell him what a great guy his uncle was.

Hey, stop talking about Drew like he's dead. He's going to come out of that

soon, and we're all going to be down at the Warsaw having a beer. You'll see.

Wow.

I didn't realize how much I missed you guys.

Hey, does baby want a pretzel? No, no.

so much. I wouldn't want to live if you weren't here.

Hey, what's going on?

I heard what my mom said. She really loves me.

Well, why don't you get back down there?

Well, okay.

It's too bad I'm not going to see you again.

You would have been a great uncle.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, when I grow up, is there anything you want me to tell your friends?

Yeah.

Tell them I might miss them.

And I wish I was there.

And tell him that the best times I ever had with him was when we were just

hanging out having a beer.

Hell, I'll tell him myself.

I'm going down there with you.

Hey, if we're both up here, whose soul is down on the baby?

Hey, little baby.

I hope I didn't scare you too much with that pretzel.

I swear to God, I saw Drew's hand move. Maybe he's coming back to us.

He's awake.

Drew, if you can hear us, say something.

Get the catheter out of me.

Drew, I'm so happy you're back. You had us all so scared.

How long was I out here?

Oh, quite a while.

It's the year 2183.

And I'm the great -grandson of Louis Koniski, the world's first... emperor,

you, unfortunately, are my slave.

Kate, how long was I out? Simon's slave!

Oh.

Is that who I think it is?

True. Meet your little nephew.

Oh.

We already met.

I was going up to heaven in a lazy boy cloud, and he was going down in his

cloud. and we got to talking and my soul went into his body.

I was your baby for a whole day.

Oh, this is so sweet.

Bill, why don't you get some sleep? You must be so tired after going up to

heaven and switching bodies with my son.

No, no, no.

No, he was never into my body.

Yeah, that would be so crazy.

Okay, bye -bye.

Bye, little fella.

We're going to have such good times together.

Yeah, get some sleep. Okay, night -night.

Uncle Crackers never sees the baby.

And then me and the baby floated back to Earth in our clouds.

Next thing you know, I woke up out here with you guys.

Wow. That's pretty heavy, man.

That's an amazing story, Joe.

He left all you want.

But everything I told you is true, I'm telling you. This thing changed my life.

Yeah. You know, after the accident, we got your car fixed.

But if you're too scared to drive for a while, we can all drive you around.

Yeah.

You guys sold my car, didn't you?

I can't let you go without getting this off my chest.

And action.

Drew, I can't let you go without getting this off my chest. Remember that time?

Drew,

I can't let you go without getting this off my chest.

Drew, I can't let you go without getting this off my chest.

I cheated you out of $200.

You remember that time that you gained weight on the Dr. Von Diedelman

diet? What?