Original subtitles

I can't believe what bought you this.

I wish I had a gay life partner who'd buy me a satellite dish.

Yeah, but then you'd have to worry about the INS busting your fake marriage scam

and throwing you in jail for the rest of your life.

Still, look how clear that picture is.

Man, I've been living with someone of the same sex for years and all I ever

is breakfast in bed and the occasional foot massage.

Which I practically have to beg for.

That's just because I can't get the smell off my hands.

Right, enough.

That's disgusting.

Does anyone know what channel the game's on?

Oh, Kate, there's only 500 channels. How hard could it be?

Dateline.

Dateline. Dateline.

Wings. Wings.

Dateline. Wings.

Dateline. Dateline.

Wings. Hey, Golden Girls!

Oh, if only there was some enchanted book.

That told you all the images that were going to be on the magic screen.

Make room, make room. The UK Interpup Dart Championship is on. It's going to

quite a spectacle.

Cornwall and Pennington are going at it hammer and tong.

Is that what the British put on TV?

They need handguns over there.

Actually, darts has twice the excitement of American basketball.

Cornwall sights the bullseye.

Measuring.

Measuring.

All right, that's it. We're not watching darts.

And look at the teeth on those cheerleaders.

What are we doing here anyway? It's not like the IS is going to come by and

spring a surprise visit on you on Sunday night. Oh, no, no, no. They usually

call a couple of days in advance and say, we'll be around at three. Get your

fake gay marriage together.

Why don't you just go home? No, I have to clean out our basement.

Our basement?

Yeah, yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing rearranging my basement?

Well, I'm turning it into an exercise room. I'm going to put mirrors on all

walls so I can watch myself jazzercise.

If I don't know what wiggles, I don't know what to work on.

Look, you're not rearranging anything, okay?

You don't live here.

Fine. I'll exercise here in the kitchen.

Look... I know we both have a lot to lose here, but if the INS comes by, can

just cover for you? I'll tell them my husband's out getting flavored coffee.

No, that wouldn't work. These people detect fraud for a living. I'm afraid

you're stuck with me.

You know, I gotta tell you, even though it did get me my job back, I am so sorry

I did this.

Well, too late. We are married.

Were our vows just words to you?

Hey, look, you're my boss. I don't want to fight, okay? Just go down and

exercise in the basement if you want to. Thank you.

Great. I just saved my fake gay marriage.

I guess life does begin at 40.

With the crimson lips go Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Livin' in sin

safety pin go Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

Ohio!

Hey!

Hey there! Must be Mr. Jackson. Sorry I'm late.

My boss took my last pair of clean underwear. I had to stay and do an extra

load.

Yeah, let me explain. See, my boss spent the night, so... Yeah, let me explain.

Because, see, we're married.

Ah, forget it. You're hired.

Mr. Wick spent the night at your house, huh?

So you finally slapped a little English leather on your face.

Don't start with me.

He sprained his ankle jazzercising, so he couldn't drive home. He spent the

night soaking in my tub.

By the way, I'm sorry I smell like a little bit like cologne, but I was

to take a shower.

Well, whatever you soaked him in, keep it up, because he's in a great mood.

What, instead of tearing you a new one, he's widening the one you have?

No, he's encouraging and supportive, and he only took up one handicap spot this

morning.

Okay, what's all this about mods from accounting wanting to take a week off

a honeymoon?

I think we can arrange to give her a little more than a week.

Oh, see, business as usual. I'll start the termination papers right away, Mr.

Ward. No, no, no, I'm not talking about firing her. I'm talking about giving her

more than a week. I say we give her three weeks, with pay.

And tell her she can go down to lingerie and pick out the whorish undergarment

of her choice.

I know people like to wear other people's underwear, but mine's hitting

a drug.

Attention, Winfred Louder employees.

As a thank you for all your hard work, let's have a little me time.

In your top drawer, you'll find a velvet eye pillow.

And now, let's all listen to the whales serenade each other.

This is kind of weird, Mr. Wick.

Cult. Wake up, you fools. There's no spaceship behind the moon.

Drew, this is creeping me out. Let's get out of here and keep playing over

lunch. Hello.

Crap. Now I've got to go back to work.

Sorry, I can't go to lunch with you. I came in late and I have to catch up.

Don't be silly, Drew.

Your friends were into all the trouble of coming downtown to see you. That's

very special. They are. They're special. Well, we're all special.

Drew, is he wearing your underwear?

I don't blame you for being confused. I'm surprising myself.

Why don't we all go out to lunch and celebrate the new me?

We can go to Le Chateau.

Oh, that's a fancy place. When your food's ready, they call your number out

French.

Listen, no offense, but we did spend the last 24 hours together.

I need a little break. Besides, my friends just came down just to see me.

My treat?

Can Drew come?

Well, it's not a deal -breaker.

Look, if you want to go have a free lunch, fine with me.

I'll meet you at the Warsaw tonight to watch the fight.

Okay, all right.

You realize I'm not coming, don't you?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, you guys.

Wait a second. This way.

Drew, what are you going to do for lunch?

Well, I guess I'll just get a bologna sandwich out of the vending machine and

eat it alone in the men's room.

As long as you eat, sweetie.

what time it is? Here in London.

We are at a pub.

Well, does this pub have a phone?

Because the Warsaw does.

I know, because I was there from 8 o 'clock until 11 .30. They also have a

clock.

Drew, I called you. That was me saying come down to the cock and whistle.

Oh, you may have misunderstood that message.

I knew it was you, but I didn't know you were holding my friends hostage.

Drew, you didn't hold a sausage.

I had a great time at the pub. Picking up fries, your chips.

They call the loo, the bathroom. In case it's not a cheap tramp, she's a

trawler.

It's true.

It makes me sound like I went to college for it.

You know, I expect this from them, but you should know better.

Uh -oh, Dad's mad.

We better go into the drawing room and watch the telly.

You're not English, you know.

You better not be watching darts in there.

Sorry, Drew, I didn't mean to upset you.

But you did.

I mean, you spent too much time over here. You rearranged my house, and now

you're stealing my friends?

Look, I'm really sorry, but it's over.

All right, I just want you out of my house and out of my life right now.

What if immigration come by? They're all in California building a fence.

Out!

Fine! You don't have to tell me twice.

Well, I feel better already.

Hey, guys, I'm sorry I'm mad at you.

Hey, who's up for some good old Heineken? Huh?

Imported!

Oh, you're not still mad, are you?

Measuring.

Measuring.

Out!

Hey,

how come it's so cold in here?

Can't talk.

Must keep.

Working. Man, I can remember everybody talking like Captain Kirk.

Work is good.

Work is good.

There is no I in company.

There is no I in company.

That was going on.

Hey, Marge, you're supposed to be on your three -week honeymoon, huh? I got

called back.

I'm still a virgin. I'm a 46 -year -old virgin.

I don't want to stay a virgin with an attitude like that.

Ha!

Gotcha.

How do you like the cameras, pig?

Mr. Wick kind of put on all our desks so he can keep an eye on our every move.

Of course, he didn't put one on my desk because my work's always perfect.

Yeah, that's why.

So, uh, Mr. Wick's responsible for all of this?

Yeah, every bit of it.

Did he say why he was doing it?

Well, I'm guessing. It's got something to do with you.

That's crazy.

He wouldn't get this mad about me throwing him out. He'd have to be the

petty, vindictive, childish... Check, check, check. Yeah, I guess it's my

Is it me, or is it Horton here?

Someone cranked up the thermostat to 40.

Mr. Wick, you know, you shouldn't take it out on the employees just because

you're mad at me.

This isn't about you.

Torturing employees is like sending flowers. It's best when there's just no

occasion at all.

Why are you doing this? You are supposed to be a professional.

You made me do it.

Oh, so this is about me throwing you out of the house.

Yes, I hate you. I hate you.

I stood over your bed with a knife for an hour last night.

You want to do it again tonight?

No!

You let me come over, or we're all going to sleep, and we're never waking up!

Well, see, now you're just not making any sense. I mean, how can one dead guy

hang out at another dead guy's house?

Well, let me come over, and I'll explain it to you. No!

I want you and your stuff out of my house tonight.

What about the INS? I already had one visit from them. If they come again,

take my chances.

Fine. I know when I'm not wanted.

You tell your friend Lewis to stop calling me.

I don't want to sneak into the dump and look for stuff.

That's not going to be enough boxes for all your British crap.

In fact, why don't you take everything that's British, even if it's mine? I

don't even want my English muffins.

Fine, have it your way. You'll miss the Sir Benny Hill collection.

He's not a sir. He was never knighted. Well, he should have been. He was

The hell?

What are you guys doing here? What the hell's going on?

Never watch the Cartoon Network drunk.

Hey, do you want to buy 400 Hong Kong Fooey T -shirts?

You guys can't be here right now. I'm really in a bad mood.

Mr. Wick's moving out.

That tickles.

You know he's used bubbles.

Yeah, everyone loves a bubble. I mean, you know, except those kids that got to

live in them or they die.

Yeah, the only bubbles that are going to make me happy are in beer.

What the... Hey, we're out of cold beer.

Oh, we better leave.

We thought that you had... I mean, we only came over because you understand.

He's still here.

You people have been kicked out of so many countries, you'd think it'd be

at packing.

Well, it helps when we're at gunpoint.

That can be arranged.

May I help you?

Mr. Carey or Mr.

Wick?

Oh, well, we decided not to decide that until we had kids.

He's Mr. Carey. I'm Mr. Wick, and you would be?

Julie Hager, INS.

Looks like somebody's moving out.

No, no, no. We're just unpacking our wedding gifts. Pardon the mess.

Oh, like this Playboy magazine?

Oh, yeah.

Easy to explain. See, this is what I'm going to look like after the operation.

I think you'll be a very pretty Asian woman.

Thank you.

We just sit down. and get this over with? Good idea.

We can start by looking at pictures of your wedding.

Sure. You know, the other INS agent came by and said there'd be no more

problems. Oh, I know, but I have to verify everything.

Bet I wouldn't have to keep proving I was gay if I was muscular and neat.

We come in all shapes and sizes, you know.

Well, these look like the real thing, but I...

I have to warn you, I will be popping in for random checks for the rest of your

lives.

The rest of our lives? You know, the other INS agent said he wouldn't be

by after a year.

Yeah, oh, you're right. It is just a year.

No, no, no, he's not. I heard the rules have changed.

Yeah, I'm sorry. You're right.

The rules have changed.

Uh -huh.

Hey, listen, you know, I always wondered, what does INS stand for

Um... International.

I'm afraid I'm not allowed to give out that information.

She's a fake!

What's going on here, Wick? Oh, no.

I'm not going to get in trouble, am I? I mean, you know, for impersonating a

government official.

I don't want to lose my cosmetology license.

If you didn't lose it for the worst bikini wax I've ever had, I think you're

safe.

All right, the show's over. Out, out, out, out. Out, out, out, out. Out, out,

out, out.

Are you going to report me?

I think having to wax his area is punishment enough.

What are you trying to pull? What's going on? Why are you trying to scare me

like that with a phony INS agent?

I just didn't want to leave.

Why? Why? What could you possibly want from me?

Well, I've gone.

Kind of accustomed to your ways.

I enjoy the smell of your French toast in the morning.

And in the evening.

And at 2 a .m.

You're like Denny's. You serve breakfast any time.

Mr. Wick, are you falling in love with me?

No.

No. No, I'm just lonely, that's all. You don't understand.

life. Even when Mummy sent me off to boarding school, all the other boys got

together and got me an apartment off campus.

Sorry. Kids can be cruel, huh?

Adults too. Now get out.

Why? Why can't I be your friend?

Is it because I'm overbearing, obnoxious, lying, cheating, scoundrel,

Or... Or is it because I'm your boss?

You really want me to answer that?

No.

Look, it's not you, it's me. I mean, I'm just holding it back. He can be better

than this.

Besides, I'm really not in a good place right now.

Boy, you know, I never gave this speech before, but I sure didn't do all the

words.

Well, fine.

I would have tired of you eventually.

You could never satisfy me conversationally.

Oh, really?

You know all the times I laughed at your anecdotes?

I was faking it.

I'm kind of sorry that Drew got rid of Mr. Wig. I enjoyed learning English.

Yeah, once you've been a trollop, it's hard to go back to being a slut.

I'm sure you'll give it the old college try.

I'm going to miss him picking up the check.

You know what's funny? I always thought it would be Kate who'd marry some rich

sugar daddy we'd all sponge off of.

How could I sponge off myself?

Light angel drawers?

You're always hitting on me.

Fine. Say something incredibly charming and romantic.

Win me over.

Forget it. If I got a top angel drawers, you'd die alone.

Hello?

Yes, this is Kate O 'Brien.

Oh, my God.

Drew's been in an accident. They took him to the hospital.

God.