Original subtitles

Hey, Lewis, I just locked out the place and I'm out of here. I'll see you guys

later. Wait a second. We're here to support you when your dad gets here

I know. I changed my mind. I'll catch him the next time he gets out of prison.

Listen,

I know you hate your dad, but, you know, it's been ten years on the joint. He

could be emotionally scarred from all the beatings and then, you know, the

shower antics.

I haven't seen him most of my life, and now suddenly he wants to see me because

now I'm a great big success?

I remember I saw him rob a convenience store and cops.

The camera really loves him.

Yeah, well, he robbed me out of having a real dad, so when he gets here, you

tell him I split, and I'm glad I didn't see him.

Why don't you tell me

yourself, son?

Okay, I split, and I'm glad I didn't see you.

I know that doesn't make any sense, but I'm going to try to power through this

with a nasty attitude.

So there.

Oswald, come on. It's your old man here. Give me a hug.

Okay, I guess I had that coming. Oh, it's good to see you have your same

friends, the tall freak, the bully magnet, and the skank.

What, no hugs here either?

For your information, the bully magnet used to be engaged to the skank.

So this makes me a skank magnet.

Say, listen.

After all my years in prison, I learned something.

Prison sucks.

This time I'm going to go straight. Yeah, straight to a liquor store with a

handgun. No,

I'm serious.

I spent most of my life locked up. I'm going to get an honest job.

Let's see, a 70 -year -old ex -con.

Hey, I think Microsoft's hiring VPs.

You know, you say the same thing every time you get out of prison. I'll believe

it when I see it.

Okay, this time I mean it, son. You just watch me.

Hey, you know, there's someone I was wanting to ask you.

How did a nice old guy like you survive all those years in prison?

Actually, I used to ask them for a commitment. It scared them off there,

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland

Living in sin with a safety pin gone. Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

My dad would never leave last night, going on and on with his prison stories.

Midnight escapes, race riots. I showered with a guy who put the hit on Marilyn

Monroe. Boring.

I guess I'm lucky.

My dad called me long distance just to tell me that his body has no use for

anymore.

Well, I've got to deliver these packages.

All right, thanks for the ride. I'll see you in five minutes.

Hey,

Drew, want to see the first sonogram of your little nephew?

So what do you think?

I'd say you have a lovely gray thing with vaguely human form.

You know, it's surprising. I always expected the inside of Mimi to have bats

hanging from it.

Hey, what's this thing right here?

What? It's just the umbilical cord. No, that's over here. What's this right

here? Well, it's the... the... What the hell is that?

Oh, no.

I was hoping this would skip a generation.

Well, it's no secret now.

It's the Carrie tail. But honey, don't worry.

It's just an extra vertebrae that they remove at birth.

You had a tail and you didn't tell me?

Well, I didn't say I had one.

There is no way I had a tail.

I can't believe that my baby is going to have a tail.

Crap. There's no good baby clothes with holes in the bottom.

Maybe not at people stores.

Hey,

Drew, I'm ready to go.

You still need a ride down to the car repair place? Yeah, what a time for my

transmission to go up, man. I am broke.

Well, why don't you just use your credit card?

Oh, I can't. I maxed it out on emergencies.

You know, medical stuff and beer and website memberships.

You know, emergencies.

Yeah, yeah.

So what are you going to do now?

I don't know. I got to find a part -time job that pays good, which is going to

be tough because I don't even have a full -time job that pays good.

Dad, what are you doing here? Lewis told me you were down here.

Might as well take a deep breath because I got some big news.

I got a job.

You got a job? Yep. First day out of prison.

Wait a minute. What kind of job? No, son, it's totally legit. I'm selling

estate for a new lakeside development.

I'll hire an ex -con like you with a hire a failure like me.

What about it, Dad? Are they hiring failures?

Well, I don't know. You need sales experience.

I used to be on the sales floor here at Woodford Lauder. That's how I started. I

sold lingerie to large and lovely women back when they were just fat.

Can you put in a good word for Drew?

Oh, I don't know. I'm new there.

Well, it might help take the sting out of 35 years of crying myself to sleep

while night after night I watched my mother as she crawled further and

into the bottle.

Well, okay, but then we're even.

And do you know what rush hour is in Patrician Woods?

A duck crossing in front of your car.

Pause for laughter. One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

But seriously, the best part of paradise... Just tell us how much it is.

Oh, it's $25 ,000.

Oh, wait. I meant to say it's only $25 ,000.

I always forget to say that because, frankly to me, it sounds like just a

of a lot of money.

Okay, we listened to your pitch.

Now give us the free can opener.

Mr. Sweeney, I'm out of can openers again.

Still no sales, huh, Drew?

Maybe you're not cut out for this job.

No, I'll get the hang of it. You know, it's just my first day.

Well, I'm just saying you don't have the killer instinct.

You're the kind of guy that would give up his pudding real easy in the joint.

By my pudding, do you mean my man flower?

I'm talking about chocolate pudding. It's a dessert.

Carrie, I'm running out of can openers.

Why can't you make a sale?

Oh, I do okay until I get to the price.

Well, look, if someone can't afford $25 ,000, then suggest a Dunbar property.

It's only $8 ,000.

Why cover so much less?

Well, the Dunbars are getting a divorce. They want out of the property quickly.

We're trying to help them. It's all in your featured properties list.

Don't you worry, Mr. Sweeney. Drew Carey is not going to take no for an answer.

Unless it's a double negative, like, you know, a...

I won't, not, don't want to buy this property.

Kerry, how's this for a double negative?

You don't sell the property, by the end of the day, you're fired.

That's not a double negative. That's just negative.

Hey, here.

Thought I'd stop by, see if you want to do a lunch. No, I can't. I've got to

practice my sales pitch or I'm going to lose my job.

These lots look nice. What's the problem?

Well, the problem is they're $25 ,000.

This one says $8 ,000.

Oh! Oh, that's the Dunbar property.

Oh, yeah, that's cheap because they're getting a divorce.

Oh, that's terrible.

You know, in divorce, nobody wins.

Except me.

You guys take cash?

I guess so. Why?

I... I... I... I don't take it.

Lewis, what are you doing carrying all this kind of money?

Oh, you see, every week I go into the bank and I withdraw $10 ,000 from the

teller. Then the next day I redeposit it with the cute teller, you see.

After a couple of years, she thinks I'm a millionaire. I ask her out.

Yeah, but she's going to... I mean, eventually you're going to have to... I

no holes in your plan.

Good luck, buddy. Thank you. Here's my $8 ,000. Where do I sign?

Well, you're just going to buy it just like that? Don't you want to drive out

and see it first?

I don't need to see it, Drew. I trust you.

Besides, I never thought I'd be able to afford land that nice.

You know, it's always been a lifelong dream of mine to own a little piece of

country I could call my own.

I thought your lifelong dream was to witness an execution.

Not to witness, to throw the switch.

But I'm going to fake him out first.

Usually there's a lot of paperwork to fill out, I guess, but since you're

cash, I have to do a sign right here. Oh.

Congratulations. Thanks, Drew.

Hey, you know, now that I own a piece of land, I can finally vote.

But you can always vote.

I mean, you know, as soon as you turned 18.

Good luck, buddy.

Mr. Sweeney, I did it. I made a first sale. I sold the Dunbar property.

Congratulations. Yeah, I think I'm finally getting the hang of this.

Why is their hair stuck to this money?

Eh, who cares?

All right, you get back out there and sell another Dunbar property.

Another one? How many do they have?

Kerry, there are no Dunbars.

What?

Look, people think they got a deal, right? They can drive out there, see

land. It's just lucky for us, most people don't own a Geiger counter.

You mean that land is radioactive?

Don't worry, by the time they figure it out, they'll be too busy shopping for

wigs.

What's our best scam?

Scam? I just sold one to my friend.

Wow.

You betrayed a friend?

Listen, there's someone I need you to kill. What?

I'm just testing your limits.

Too early.

Well, that's me in grade school.

Oh, that's me in state prison.

That's my friend Billy. He used to eat his boogers.

That's my cellmate, Tony.

He ate his family.

Hey, what are these?

Oh, just some old letters. Nothing you'd be interested in. Well, they're all

addressed to me.

Dear Oswald, I'm really enjoying my five - to ten -year cruise around the world.

Yesterday, my bunkmate jumped off the ship and was shot.

I guess I'm saying stay in school so you don't wind up on a cruise.

I never sent these because I thought your life might be better without a guy

like me in it.

What?

I never thought you gave a damn about me.

Well, I do.

Now, come on. I got a surprise for you outside.

Something to make up for all your birthdays I missed.

You got me 35 presents?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

It's that kind of neediness that drove me to crime.

to take up to my land.

Them words taste good in my mouth.

My land.

So, haven't up there yet, huh? Nope, fixing to leave at first light.

That's what us landowners call morning.

Listen, about that land, I got some bad news.

Really?

What's the problem?

Listen, you're my friend, and I don't really know how else to tell you this,

but, uh... There are no Dunbar's getting divorced. The Dunbar's... properties

are just a scam to get people's money. The land's radioactive.

Oh, that's great.

There goes my vacation paradise. There goes my fishing. There goes my bear

hunting. Oh, you can hunt bears still, but it's not much of a challenge.

They don't beg for food. They beg to die.

That's it. I'm home, folks.

Wait. I suppose Dad works there. He's on parole. If he gets involved in this, he

can go back to jail.

Hey, Dad.

Look what my dad got me with his first day's pay.

When I was a kid, he was never able to get me any presents. All his money was

always going to...

The victim's families.

Isn't that great, Lewis?

Yeah, yeah. You can't put a price on that kind of happiness.

Oh, wait. Yes, you can. Eight grand.

Well, the bike isn't even the best present.

I got a dad.

Oh, crap.

What's the matter?

This little red bitch in my chest, that's what's the matter.

Little red bitch? That's a great name for my bike.

You did the right thing, Lewis.

Yeah, well, the way I look at things is live and learn.

I'm going to live, they're going to learn.

Lewis, listen, I got a better idea for getting the money back.

If it doesn't work out, you can always go back to the killing spree.

Promise? I promise.

I hope your plan fails.

Say, Kerry.

A couple of us are thinking of taking a road trip up to Canada this weekend.

How many Chinese do you think you can fit in your trunk?

Don't worry, I'd love to help you, but my truck's full of moonshine.

Hey, that's your buddy from yesterday. Listen, if you found out something,

remember, no refunds. No problem.

Gentlemen, I need to talk to you.

The lot my husband bought yesterday is too small. We need one much, much

Well, the much, much bigger properties are $50 ,000.

Fine. Money is no object.

I love my wife. She's so generous. Let me touch your ass.

Great. Well, then just write us a check for $50 ,000.

Okay, great. Why don't you give me the $8 ,000 cash that my husband gave you

yesterday?

Okie dokie. Wait.

Why don't we keep the $8 ,000 and you folks write us a check for $42 ,000?

Yeah, I guess that would work.

Oh, crap.

What's wrong?

I just remember I'd left the baby in the tub with the water running.

Oh, yeah, and I left the other baby next to the baby -killing machine.

Carrie, I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to be watching you.

Sir, I've got to warn you, I'm very boring to watch, and the parts that

boring are just disgusting.

Morning, Drew. Hey, congratulations.

You sold a property yesterday.

Yeah, I sold a Dunbar property to Lewis. Say, you wouldn't happen to know about

any problems with that land, would you? Heck no. I'm looking forward to retiring

there myself someday.

Oh, that's good, because the water there is from the lake.

Murderer! I knew you were on this.

When I call the cops, Oswald's going to find out about the whole thing. Wait a

minute. Don't call the cops. I'll get Lewis's money back, and Oswald never has

to know. Just give me till 8 o 'clock.

All right, he got to late.

Carrie, I need to see you in the alley.

Now.

Oh, my God, is he going to kill me?

No, he's gay.

He's been trying to work up the nerve to ask you out all week.

It's ten after eight. I don't think Oswald's dad's going to show.

Yeah, you're right.

Well... Let's bust up at his functional family.

Oswald, get in here.

Wait a minute, I'm waxing my bike.

Wow, is that what you guys call it?

No, no, he's really waxing his bike.

Oh, then I guess he's masturbating.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Got your cake.

Cake? What's the occasion?

Just read it.

Sorry your dad is still a crook.

What does that mean? Keep reading.

I found out the real estate job is just a scam, and Louis got screwed out of $8

,000 Love, Drew.

No, this can't be true.

Hey, it's on a cake.

Hey, guys.

Hey, you lying thief.

Oh, Drew, you couldn't wait ten minutes.

I got Louis a little something, but you just couldn't trust the ex -con, could

you? There's nothing in here but a couple 20s, Slim Jims.

Some scratch -off tickets and, ooh, hey, giant old people's sunglasses.

Dad, you robbed a convenience store?

No, I robbed an old guy coming out of a convenience store.

Lewis, you know you can't keep that stuff. Shut up, you fool. I just want a

-long burger dog.

A what? It's a hamburger shaped like a hot dog. Oh, man, they stole my idea.

You're never going to change, are you?

Sorry, I'm a crook.

That's who I am.

Well, I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm going to have to call the police on you.

I always wanted an honest kid.

Boy, did that come back to bite me on the butt.

You know what?

It's late.

I bet the cops are closed.

I'll call tomorrow.

They're cops.

They don't close.

I know that. I'm not a moron. I'm trying to give you a head start here, old man.

Now go.

Call me when you get a new name.

Just don't use Todd Jenkins.

I work with a guy named Todd Jenkins.

Goodbye, son.

God, I hope that old guy lives.

What? Nothing.