Original subtitles

How do we know where Drew is?

I put one of these baby monitors under his bed while he was at work so we'll

know if he's coming down the stairs.

And clench and release.

And clench and release.

And clench and release.

What's he clenching?

Don't think about it.

Milk and poisonous snakes for their venom and then selling it to the drug

companies. This is the best money -making idea we've ever had.

Why doesn't everybody do this?

Don't you know by now? What? People are stupid.

There's thousands of dollars just sitting inside these snakes waiting to

squeezed out.

Hey, I'm a little nervous about leaving poisonous snakes in Drew's basement.

You think they'll be okay?

He won't go down there. There's a Mickey Mouse that hangs at the end of a light

chain, throws a shadow of a man, scares him.

Let's start making some of that easy money, huh?

Get it off! Get it off!

10 seconds till I die. Quick, get the anti -venom.

10, 9, 8, 7, it's not helping, 6,

5, 4,

Three, two,

one.

Easy money.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it...

Like Perrier and a martini, please.

Mr. Wick, you forgot to wear an age -appropriate outfit.

When I say age, I'm talking about the age we're living in.

Well, my 21 -year -old girlfriend seems to like it.

That's because it's what everyone her age, which is 21, seems to be wearing. I

think what I'm trying to say, Kerry, is I've got a 21 -year -old girlfriend.

That's good for you.

I've not finished my song, and you have nobody and nothing.

Honestly, Kerry, you're so out of touch.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and pitch woo at my beach.

Hello.

Miss me?

Care to suck face?

No, I'm just going out with you in a dare. Oh, really?

In that case, I dare you. No, I triple dog dare you to have sex with me.

Take me home.

Are we in KFC? Because somebody here's a big chicken.

What?

That's meant to inflame your pride and get you to do things you don't want to

do.

from milking snakes is that snakes don't like to be milked.

What happened to you guys?

Well, we, uh, cut ourselves shaving.

Each other.

That's why I always shave myself.

Hey, guys.

Hey. We have some wonderful news.

Steve, I told you, unless it ends with Mimi was dragged into the woods and they

ate her, it's just news.

I'd insult you now, but nothing's going to hurt as much as this. We just bought

the house next to the Warsaw.

What? Yeah, that's right. I can be here at any time.

Every time you take a sip of beer, I'll be there.

Every time you take a bite out of your burger, I'll be there.

Every... Do you do anything else here? Because I'll be there.

You lived in right next door?

You mean the house where the old lady with the 19 cats died?

Was that an old lady? I couldn't tell. The cats had picked her clean.

for this my whole life. It's like a dream come true.

Got a husband and a baby on the way and now my first house.

Yeah, well, welcome to the surface.

Ha, ha, ha. That's so funny.

You know what else is funny? We're so close to the bar that now you're going

be able to hear us when we do it.

If you hear a high -pitched scream, it's your brother because I'm doing

something freaky to him.

Guilty as pleasure.

I'm so sick of her.

I don't go bothering her and her friends when they dig around for ants with

sticks.

Hustle, are you okay?

Oh, he's fine. I just think the razor bites are starting to affect him.

Does anyone else see Jim Morrison dancing with an old Indian on the bar?

Indian going away.

This is Mimi's new house. Yeah. Just think of all the horrifying things you

could be doing in there.

Sitting, talking, breathing.

Thank you. Now I'm not going to sleep tonight.

I got an idea.

I say we should give Mimi a warm welcome to the neighborhood.

What are you doing?

Well, it's late. I don't want to wake him up, so I'm just going to leave him a

little note in the snow.

See if I'm taking you out of it.

Damn it.

What's wrong, buddy?

I'm locking up.

You know I can't pee in public.

A little help? No, it's a slippery slope.

It's nothing weird.

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain.

Telling me just what to do.

Oh,

thanks. Who's out there?

It's just a little harmless prank.

No, he's gone there once. He's just going to keep going there again and

I'm just going to have to move.

So has Mimi showed up for work yet?

No, it's been three days in a row.

Do you hope she's okay?

Hey, what are the cops doing here?

Excuse me. Can I have everyone's attention, please?

The Division of Liquor Control hereby revokes the liquor license of the Warsaw

Tavern as of midnight tonight.

Oh, my God.

That's just great.

First, the government makes me wear a seatbelt. Then they make me take the

abestus out of my house. And now they're going to close down the place where I

like to drink.

Why are they trying to keep me alive?

Tony, what's going on?

Somebody filed an injunction against me. I can't serve booze anymore.

There's been a lot of complaints lately.

Public drunkenness, fights, noise pollution, and everyone within two

wants a song like a rock taken off a jukebox.

They complain about that and we've got Wake Me Up Before You Go -Go on there?

The last straw was a complaint filed by a woman who said some drunks left here

and urinated on her garden gnomes. Sounds like a copycat crime.

Why would Mimi do something like that?

Don't you get it? It's Mimi.

She eats, she sleeps, she messes up my life.

That's what she does. That's all she does.

What are we going to do now? We're barless. Way to go, Drew.

Yeah, living above a bar is the only high school dream I ever achieved.

Come on, there's got to be some way to keep this place open.

You can't close this place down. It's like a second home to me.

Just a second. Drew, your mom's on the phone.

Tell her I'll call her back.

I didn't want to have to resort to this.

Hello, beautiful.

How would you like to take a bath without ever stepping foot in a tub?

I am, thank God, a lesbian.

Please don't take away our bar.

Forget it. I never paid for it in my life.

As of midnight tonight, this bar can no longer serve alcohol.

Oh, this sucks.

I can't believe we only have seven hours left to drink.

Man, if we ever... Hey, that's right.

Twelve minus five is seven. You subtracted. I did, I subtracted.

What?

It calms me down when I'm upset.

How can you do something like this?

You seem a little tense.

Maybe you should go to your favorite bar and have a drink. Oh, wait, you can't.

I closed it down.

I've set your desk on fire. I've ruined your clothes.

I've thrown dead animals at you.

What outrages you? A little wee -wee on your lawn.

at each other's throats, and I'm at the end of my rope.

I was afraid we'd be moving next to loud, nasty neighbors. Well, we're the

nasty neighbors.

Shut up over there. No, you shut up, jerk.

You see?

Now I'll be baking I'm sorry cakes all night.

Look, we really screw around, pig, but you crossed the line.

Well, I'm not going to bake you a cake, but...

Saying that because you want the Warsaw to be able to serve beer again?

Absolutely.

Well, then forget it!

Listen, you're screwing yourself here, too.

You know, you're a partner of Buzz Beer, and Warsaw's the only place that sells

it. Doesn't it concern you that you're going to ruin the business?

Hmm, I never thought about that. No!

You get the money as much as everybody else does.

Yeah, well, I'm willing to cut off my nose to spite my face.

Hasn't that face been through enough?

Look, if you don't do it for me, then do it for me. for Steve. He loves the

Warsaw. Yeah, well, he loves to see me naked, too, and he can't have both.

Fine! I'll get the beer back at the Warsaw, with or without you!

And by the way, if you did cut off your nose to spite your face, it would be the

ending of your face!

Because your nose would be free!

It would be free!

Come on, baby, give up that sweet, sweet venom!

Go, go, go, go!

Okay, we'll put you back in and get Michael.

I don't know. I got Marlon and Jermaine.

Damn it, we lost Michael.

Out of all the snakes to lose, we lost the most valuable.

Well, we gotta find him, Michael!

Michael! Michael!

Michael! Michael! Michael!

Giant stinking waste of time.

Oh, crap, that's true. Quick, we gotta get it back down in the basement.

Okay.

There's no way we're gonna get a thousand signatures.

We're never gonna get the Warsaw back, and it's gonna lose its liquor license.

A thousand signatures?

I couldn't even get one.

Everybody in the neighborhood is glad the Warsaw's closed. I can't believe it.

Guys are talking to their wives.

They're getting fresh air.

Hey, guys, how'd it go?

It was awful.

That's crazy.

You'd think people would care about a broken -down old building that's a

crockpot of venereal disease and alcoholism.

They're not closing down the Warsaw. They can still serve food. They just

serve liquor.

We just have to get it closed eventually.

Nobody's going to eat that crap when they're sober.

I don't want to lose the Warsaw.

I have such great memories there.

I mean, that's where I lost my over -50 -guys virginity.

You mean your guys -over -50 virginity, don't you?

Yeah. I mean, I'm just so damn upset about that Warsaw.

You know, there's got to be some way to keep that place open.

Well, isn't there any place that the government can't close down?

Yeah, that crack house on Euclid.

We're talking about some seedy little hole in the ground where losers go to

high. We're talking about our bar.

You can't close down a church.

Hey, that's it.

We'll turn the Warsaw into a church.

You can do anything in a church. You can sing as loud as you want. You can drink

wine. You can dunk babies in water.

There's not a damn thing the government can do about it. Wow.

If church had mozzarella sticks, it'd be perfect.

You know, this is stupid. There's a much easier way to get our bar back.

Give Mimi a heartfelt apology.

What? Hey, all I did was take a leak in her yard.

I don't see her closing down the squirrels' bars.

I don't see her closing down the dogs' bars.

Dog bar.

That'd be cool.

Hitting the cat that stumbles in there by accident.

I'm not apologizing.

All right? We can think of another plan if we have to, but I'm not apologizing.

Fine, then we have to find another bar.

No way!

That is my bar!

That's where I drink.

I'm not going to let Mimi take that away from me. Not now.

Not ever.

We are going to find a way.

God is my witness.

I will never be sober again.

In heaven, there is no beer.

That's why we drink it here.

And when we're gone from here.

We'll be drinking all the beer.

And anybody who disagrees is going to get a taste of that.

Hey. Hey.

Drew, we got your message. What's up?

Hey, Tony.

Give me... my salad with my special dressing, and I'll round a special

for all my friends.

Drew, we all love this place, but why come here and make it drunk? Oh, we

can we?

The dressing that made Milwaukee famous.

Cheers. Cheers.

Hey,

this is beer.

Drew, that's brilliant.

Yeah, there's booze in everything. In the gravy, the steak sauce, there's even

booze in the lemonade.

You can't believe how well I thought this all out.

What's chilled beer soup?

Big bowl of beer.

On Fridays, we put a clam in it.

I'm here, Drew. Where would you like me? Oh, right in the corner there.

Mr. Wick, I can't thank you enough for doing this. You know, having dinner

will really help sell this place as a restaurant. Oh, please. That's what

friends are for. I help you with the Warsaw.

You would jump out of a bush and advance on me and my date wielding a knife. A

struggle ensues where I snatch it off and stab you with it.

You run off into the night and Tina no longer thinks I'm too old and decrepit

for her.

Oh, and there's a Vietnamese dentist waiting in the garage to tend to your

wounds.

Sounds like a plan. Right.

Arrest them.

Arrest them all.

Prove it.

I mean, for what?

I know you're drinking.

People aren't passed out in the parking lot because they're bombed on biscuits.

No. idea what you're talking about.

Oh, yeah?

What's in the glass?

It's just a nice cold glass of lemonade like my grandpa used to make.

Oh, really?

That doesn't prove a damn thing. Look what you're making me do. Now I have to

arrest Tony.

Go ahead. I'm full of soup. I don't care.

Come on. This isn't fair.

I mean, he serves high school kids booze, he has cockfights in the back

and he goes to jail for this?

Somebody's got to pay for what you did. It's just too bad it's not you.

Oh, yeah, you'd be happy if I was in jail, wouldn't you, Mimi?

No, there's nothing that's going to make me happy. You ruined my house. I had

something perfect and wonderful, and you took it away from me.

Would you do something about your wife? She is getting out of control here.

You come with me, Buster Brown.

Sit down.

Now, I'm going to tell you something about Mimi that's going to really shock

you. She used to be a horse.

Shut up!

Listen, Mimi cried the night you did that to her house.

This is the very first loan she's ever had. You and I grew up in a house. We

take it for granted.

She grew up in trailers and a bunch of crummy apartments. To her, this is very

special.

How am I supposed to know that?

Well, maybe you would if you talked to each other once in a while instead of

trying to blow each other up. I didn't try to blow her up.

I got an estimate.

What do you want?

I talked to Steve and, um...

I didn't mean to hurt you, so... Sorry.

This is it?

One more little thing.

I'll drop the injunction.

Thank you.

See you at work tomorrow.

Thank you.

Rye, I've only got one shot at this. One false move could mean certain death.

Oh, look, isn't she a beauty?

I'm not asleep.

There's another one under my shirt.

Oh, sorry, Drew.

That's not our snake.

That's just bad housekeeping, mate.

He's afraid of a little snake.