Original subtitles

That's what's going on.

You know, after being giant colored eggs last year, I thought the Easter Bunny

was the biggest bastard we ever worked for.

Dan is ten times worse. We can't get away from this guy. He knows when we're

sleeping. He knows when we're awake. He knows when we're reading porn on our

break.

Tough boss. Big deal.

Mr. Wick made me marry him. Top that.

Yeah, but he's really mean to us, Drew. He gets drunk and abusive and makes us

do really awful things.

You know, after a day of kids sitting on him when his lap goes numb, guess who

has to wake it up?

I can't take it anymore, Drew. You gotta fire him.

Sorry. But this time of year, all the good, hopeless alcoholics who work for

minimum wage are taken.

Unless you just stop showing up, I'm not gonna fire him.

Get it! Or should I say... El Stupidor.

Get your sad old man arse into my office now!

Now, now, now!

What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, you got a bad boss.

Can you do me a favor? Roll this into a tube for me, would you?

Thank you.

Now!

Hello, who's this?

Oh, someone from a while away?

And you saw that tube thing coming? I'll be damned.

You shacks of elf crap have been talking about me? No, sir, Senator.

Good.

Now, pick up my keys.

There are no keys there.

Pick them up.

Help him.

I don't ask my elves to love me. I ask them to respect me.

I caught you. You said you knew where to get some sexy maternity underwear?

Yep. I make my own nursing bras.

Really?

A little something for the baby and the daddy.

Wow. Hundreds of beads and sequins right by the baby's mouth.

That's great.

Why don't you have some fishhooks?

No, you pull them down. Listen.

No thanks, Mimi, not if yours were the last six breasts on Earth.

Drew, I understand why all your girlfriends make you keep the lights

trust me, there's only two.

Hey, Drew, while I'm here, can you check and see how many days in the hospital

my insurance will cover when I have the baby?

Not that many.

That's why we put a basket under your desk for you.

I'm kidding around. I think your maternity coverage isn't so good here.

your husband's is better.

Oh, I don't have a husband. I have a boyfriend, and he left me.

Wow. Well, that must be so hard.

The most beautiful, important time of your life, you get thrown out like

yesterday's garbage.

I'm alone, too. Does that surprise you?

Hey, when do you do? Oh, about a month. I can't wait. I am so sick of the

backaches and the swollen feet and being tired all the time.

Oh, good thing you're not an elephant.

You know, that's the mammal that's pregnant the longest, 13 months.

Although, you make a pretty hot elephant.

Right back at you.

Hey, uh, would you like to go out to dinner sometime? I was going to ask you

about eight months ago, but you were busy.

Yeah, I'd like that. It's a date.

Ooh, you want to feel a kick?

It's a boy.

Wow. Hey, feel this.

What am I feeling?

I'm a boy too.

Ohio!

Ohio! Ohio! Ohio! Ohio!

Okay, coast is clear. My attention went back to the kitchen.

I don't think we should be doing this. Look, we're just going to keep him in

apartment for a couple of days until Drew fires him for missing work, all

That's the punishment for kidnapping Santa.

Death!

Shut your snow hole, Craig. You're going to burn me!

Oh, crap.

What's Kate doing here this time of night?

Oh, man, she's got to get a life.

The napkin holder picks up your reflection.

It does, doesn't it? Uh -huh.

What do you think of my hair?

I just put highlights in it. I just wanted to do something crazy for the

holidays.

You know,

I was going to get banged, but I thought I would attract attention to my

eyebrows, which between you and me are not my best feature.

Okay, that's enough.

This is Suzanne.

Hey. Hi.

Hi.

How do you two know each other?

Drew and I work together.

Oh, a second there. I thought you were on a date.

We are on a date.

Ew.

I mean, oh.

So she's pregnant. What's the big deal?

By the way, Kate, have you known that the baby isn't mine? I didn't cheat on

you.

You never have the energy to cheat on me.

Remember when we had sex twice in one week? You got the flu.

The dog howls in the midday sun.

There you go.

Mr. Pregnant Lady.

Oh, it's my date, Suzanne.

Mr. Lewis.

Hey.

Oh, my God, Drew. What's next, animals?

You know, I almost forgot I was pregnant and ordered a beer.

Thank you guys for reminding me what that could do.

I'm just going to run to the restroom. Don't you go anywhere.

Who's that?

My date, Suzanne.

Yes, I'm on a date with a pregnant woman. What's wrong with that? Oh, come

Drew. You broke up with Kate because you wanted a family, and now you're dating

a mother -to -be. Don't you think there's some connection?

We're not dating.

It's our first date.

Besides, we really like each other. We have a lot in common.

All right. Besides the fact that she's pregnant, what can you tell us about

Suzanne?

I know she does it.

Look, Drew, I'll admit it. I fantasize about pregnant women while I'm

myself in the shower.

But to pursue it, that's kind of perverted.

I don't know what you're getting into.

Pregnant women are always having mood swings and wild cravings, which is why

here at midnight getting the Warsaw's pickles for Mimi when I have a perfectly

good pickle maker at home.

Just a date.

If it doesn't work out, no big deal.

Not to her.

Dating a pregnant woman is much more serious. She's looking for a father for

baby. No, she's looking for a nice evening out, just like I am. Well, if

end up sleeping with this pregnant lady, let me give you some tips that have

helped Mimi and me.

Gently place Mimi on her side and then hold up her right leg.

Hey, listen to this.

Don't think about this in the shower, you freak.

Get out of these rooms! I'm going to drink your blood and roll around in your

skin!

We have got to change that answering machine method.

Morning, Drew.

Hi, Drew.

Hello, Mr. Carey.

Roses are red, violets are blue, diapers are dirty, and I am too.

What the hell?

Word on the street is you're into pregnant women.

Touch me and you're dead.

I'd only touch you to make sure you were dead.

Hi, Drew.

If it helps, I'm having a boy.

I'm having twins.

I'm having a cesarean.

I'll be open for business in a week.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. I see what's going on here.

You let the bad boys plant the seed, but come harvest time, you can run an old

farmer drew for some stability.

Well, on this farm, I have some self -respect. So E -I -E -I, no.

Baby, what's going on? What are all these women doing hanging around Kerry?

They want him to be the father of their baby.

So sad.

If I was that desperate, I'd just go lesbian.

I mean, at least my kid would know how to throw a ball and please a woman.

Well, if they're so desperate that they'll have Kerry, then a witty

with a twinkle in his eye and one testicle in his pants is sure to send

Oh, God, that was cologne.

Nigel's here.

By the looks of you, you've already made one mistake. How's about making

another?

Oh,

come on. You're already going to hell. How's about a little heaven on the way?

Hi, sweetie.

Where are the presents from?

Janet, Heather, Lisa.

Damn them.

Well, you know, actually, you know, I guess they all heard about me going out

with you, and now they all want to be the father of their kids. Isn't that the

craziest thing you've ever heard in your life?

Well, they have some nerve because you're all mine.

I'm all yours, huh? After one date.

Now I know why women got creeped out when I said it.

Are you talking about other women just to try to make me jealous because we

don't like it, do we, little Drew?

Little Drew?

The only little Drew I know just crawled up inside me.

Maybe we should just slow down.

How can you say that to me?

After all we've been through together.

After all we've been through, this conversation is the most we've been

together.

So you were just toying with me?

You're just some kind of sicko taking advantage of a pregnant woman? I am

a baby!

Shh, you're making us seem here. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's the hormones.

Sometimes they make me a little crazy.

Good, because you're scaring the hell out of me.

Listen, maybe this isn't the best time for either of us to be starting a

relationship. Yeah?

Well, what is the best time, Drew, when I'm giving birth behind a 7 -Eleven with

only rats to chew through the umbilical cord because I'm alone?

Can we just talk about this later?

What do you mean? Like on a date? Because I'm craving Cantonese food.

Pick me up at 8.

Well, what?

How the hell am I going to get out of this?

I don't want to drive all the way down to Canton.

too, Kate.

We're hiding from Santa.

What are you talking about?

We kidnapped the store Santa so he'd miss work and Drew would have to fire

What? Are you crazy?

You can't do that.

We can and we did and everything was going fine until he escaped. The next

a hostage says he can only go to the bathroom at home, we go with him.

Now Santa's stalking us. He wants to kill us.

And the worst part is when we see him at work on Monday morning, there's going

to be all those awkward silences.

That's why you should never kidnap co -workers.

I guess we can't go back to that all -you -can -eat buffet.

It wasn't an all -you -can -eat buffet. You were eating off other people's

plates.

Right. Thanks for paying their bill.

You know, you are the sweetest guy in the whole world. I don't know what I

do without you.

You know, I think you're stronger than you think you are. There's not anything

that you couldn't do on your own.

Get me a hot chocolate.

Or would want to do on your own.

Man, I am so sick of waiting on Suzanne hand and foot.

What is she doing here anyway?

Well, Steve was right. She took that date way too seriously.

I've been trying to get rid of her all night, but I just can't. I feel bad for

her. You know, she's all alone.

Ah, Tom, how do you break up with a pregnant lady?

I'll tell you what you do.

You do what my dad did.

You take her on a romantic trip across the border.

You plant tequila on her so she gets arrested.

And she has to raise her son in a Mexican prison.

How is your dad anyway?

No tango and pop -up.

Hey, where's my hot chocolate?

I don't know if she's even pregnant anyway. Maybe she's just pushy and fat.

one way to find out.

Oh, my God. He really is after you guys.

Listen to this.

Deck the halls with your stretched out intestines.

Fa -la -la -la -la -la -la. You're dead.

Wait a minute. That sounds familiar.

Oh, it's a Christmas carol.

Deck the halls with your stretched out intestines. Fa -la -la -la -la. You're

dead.

We're not safe here anymore. No. Kate, you're an innocent miss. You should

protected between us. Yes.

Okay.

Take the girl!

Come on, put some

muscle into it, you big girl.

Hey, uh, Suzanne, did you ever notice how we don't really get along?

Don't worry.

There'll be plenty of time to fall in love after I move in.

Move in? What are you talking about?

Oh, God.

Oh, God, I don't feel so good.

Maybe that's because you ate four pork chops and creme brulee.

No. No, I think it's labor.

We have to get to the hospital.

Oh, my God, you're serious.

Oh, yeah, let me get my jacket.

Yeah, take all the time you want, you lazy jackass. This is why you never get

ahead at work.

never told me. How come your other boyfriend dumped you?

Oh, God.

Oh, God, another contraction?

Ah, breathe, Suzanne, breathe. I can't believe you did this to me, you bastard.

I never even had sex with you. I'm getting royally screwed right now,

Hello, how are we doing?

Okay, your contractions are still pretty firm.

We have some time to get your paperwork ready.

I just need the correct spelling of Daddy's name.

Drew Carey, C -A -R... A -Z -Y.

Because you are crazy if you think I'm the father of that child.

He's just a little nervous. Why don't you leave the paperwork with me?

Okie dokie.

Look, just because I know you're not the baby's father, does the whole world

have to know?

Listen, I know you're going through a hard time right now and everything, but

you put my name down as father of this child, that means I'm responsible for

And not just financially, but in all kinds of other ways, too.

And I can't do that after one date.

I'm sorry.

Fine, I'll just scratch it out.

Thank you.

And I would just like to say that even though, in my mind, we are not now, nor

have we ever been dating, I would still like to break up with you.

Hey, I know it's none of my business, but you really shouldn't talk to the

mother of your child like that. Oh, no, he's not the father.

I don't have anyone.

I'm all alone.

My God.

A guy would be an idiot to leave a woman as beautiful as you.

Hey, listen, if you want me to stay while you have the baby... I said I'm

I guess the best man won.

Hi, sweetie.

Come with me to my house. You're dead before you hit the lawn.

Do you really think there's no chance Santa's after us anymore?

He didn't even hurt Kate when we left her for dead.

No, he just called me and said, because of what Santa saw in the Gulf War, he no

longer can be with a woman.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Where have you been?

I've been at the hospital dumping a woman right before she gave birth.

So, Drew, you can finally admit you just went out with her because she was

pregnant and you want to have a family?

Nope. The only thing I'll admit is that I have bad taste in women.

I think you're forgetting about me.

I certainly have been trying to.

You know, I think we could all use some more beer.

Hey, Lewis, how about you and I go out and get another case? All right.

What do we need a whole case for?

I don't know.

Don't shine the light on my addiction.

Did you hear a noise?

Yeah, just being paranoid. You want to sit on Santa's lap and

tell me how you want to die?

every day over

the river and through the woods for grandma's house we go over

the river and through the woods for grandma's house we go merry christmas

everybody who are you talking to nobody