Original subtitles

Yeah, whatever.

Morning!

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, well, we had kind of a late night last night. We started walking home from

bar. We needed a place to sit until the spinning stopped.

I guess we fell asleep waiting for someone to bring us some eggs.

We don't need a menu. We ordered like four hours ago.

You do realize you're in a church, right?

Still, I think four hours for eggs is ridiculous.

These guys, they still don't know how to act in church.

Drew, is that a TV?

You're watching the Browns game?

You cut up the Bible?

It's okay. I did it when I was a kid. It was for my emergency sandwich at Bible

camp.

Hey! Look, I don't want to attract any more attention.

I already feel like everybody's staring at me. My mom always said if the

Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they'll feed him to the Jews.

I know it's wrong, but that's how my mom kept me in line. She was always feeding

me to someone.

Yeah, we're going to hear this.

Oh, come on, Drew.

Hey, come on. The Browns are driving.

They're going to kick this field goal. They're going to win the game.

I got a bean right now in this game.

What?

Mimi was taking bets on the Browns, and she wanted to know if she could put me

down for a bean. I thought, sure, what is it? Just a tiny little bean, right?

Turns out the bean is worth $500.

How could you not know that?

How could I not know that?

This is from the woman whose family thought that Jews ate people.

Good afternoon, brothers and sisters.

I have sad news.

After a long struggle with a terrible illness, last night, death took our dear

Reverend Parker.

Yes! I knew it! Woo!

Put a fork in it, baby! You are done, done, done!

I just got a little excited. I won a lot of money on that.

What, am I the only one that bets on this kind of thing?

She's a Catholic.

All this

energy calling me back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it...

The Crimson Lips go Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland Rocks Living in sin where

the safety pin comes

Where's that music coming from?

I had speakers put in my dress.

So including your face, I count three woofers.

They say if you play music for your baby, it comes out smarter.

Oh, I'm sorry. I probably said that too fast.

It makes babies smarter.

You're smart enough to know you owe me 500 bucks.

Tuesday. No, I want it now. I humiliated myself at my church because of that

bet. They got me on the prayer list now between World Hunger and Madonna's

Bastard Love Child.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

You can take the hundred I got in my hand, but if you want the rest, you

break into Fort Knockers.

Oh,

there's a bank with no interest.

Mr. Wick, hey, how'd the board mean to go? Did you talk to the boss? Is he

to give me my raise?

Oh, it's all he could talk about.

His management style is to find the most insignificant drone in the company and

shower money upon him.

Really?

Yes. Then he's going to crown you king of Cleveland and your sole duty is to

masturbate.

I so want to believe you, sir.

What's this guy like? I heard he's an ex -Marine.

What does it matter, Carey? You'll make a bad impression.

Whenever you open your mouth, something stupid comes out. Not anymore, sir. You

know, every boss I've ever had, I've tried to get ahead by working hard. It's

never worked.

Well, this time, I'm just going to suck up.

I'm going to kiss his ass so hard, it's going to send me valentines.

Well, I don't need to suck up.

I just survive.

I outlasted Mrs. Louder, I outlasted the Dutch, and I'll outlast this one, too.

I'm like a cockroach, Carey.

And I'm not just speaking figuratively. I can hide in a wall and live off human

excrement if I must.

Where's Wick?

He has some explaining to do.

I'll be in housewares under the big stove.

I'm Mr. Nichols, the new boss.

When is Sam Hill a youth?

Kerry Drew, employee ID number 67 Charlie Bravo Niner, sir.

I like your attitude, Kerry.

And I like your lats.

Those are big muscles giving you that nice V shape.

Don't ask, don't tell, son.

Mr.

Rickles, you know, the old boss was about to give me a raise, and I was just

wondering if maybe you had a chance to review it. Raise?

Are you asking me for a raise on my first day?

You are seriously close to making my crap list.

Crap list?

Did you just smile at my crap list?

I hope you didn't, because if you did, you will never smile again.

Oh, I get what you're doing.

You're testing me. You're seeing if I have the goods that stand up to you.

There's no such thing as a crap list. No adult would be childish enough to make

something called a crap... Hey, nice crap list.

Your name is Drew, isn't it? As in Barrymore?

That's a lovely, candy -ass name to put on my crap list.

So what exactly happens to people who get on your crap list? I don't suppose

just promote the crap out of them, do you?

First, I cut your pay.

then you can forget about ever moving ahead in this company.

And if that doesn't break your soul, then you'll scrub the latrines with this

toothbrush.

Okay, wait a second. Hold on one second. Before you put down anybody's name or

do anything, I want you to take a deep breath with me, okay? Deep breath.

Ooh, smell that?

Can you smell that? That is the smell of fresh leadership coming through the

store. And I like what I smell.

It smells good.

You smell good.

I wish you were my father. I love you.

Whoever you want, thank you.

Oh, yes, Reverend.

No, no, I haven't forgotten.

I'm on it. Uh -huh.

Goodbye.

Muffin fudger.

That's the way Jeffrey swears on Family Circus.

I'm trying to run a department store. How does he expect me to raise the money

for a new church roof?

Well, you know, I'm a church -going man myself, sir.

Be honored if you let me kick in for the first shingle.

A hundred dollars, Kerry.

You wouldn't be doing this just to get on my good side, would you?

No, no. It just so happens I'm looking for a new church.

And if this is sucking up, well, then give me a big old crazy straw because I

love what I taste.

Yeah. Well, you're welcome to come by the church on Sunday. I appreciate the

donation. I would have given you 400 more, but I'd have to rummage around on

ugly woman's breasts.

You have a grandma who lives at home, too?

Jeez, this is two Sundays in a row we've been to church. Yeah, how many more

till we graduate?

Six. And then we get our special powers.

X -ray vision, mind reading, and we can fix things just by hitting them like the

Fonz.

Hey,

you're not screwing with me, are you? Hey, if you don't believe me, read the

Bible.

Okay, I believe you.

Hey, look. Here's Mr. Nichols.

Oh, so that's the butt you're kissing.

Yep. My lips are either on it, on the way to it, or coming for it.

Gary, son of a biscuit, you came.

Yeah, great service. I hope you don't mind I invited my friends.

Oh, not at all. Everyone's welcome in the house of the Lord.

You know, Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble -minded.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean you three.

No, no, actually, we're impressed with your insight.

Yeah, Brother Simon, we have problems. Irene is in the hospital. She will not

able to sing in the fundraiser.

Flickety -flack.

How are we going to find someone talented enough to fill her shoes?

I'm sorry, Carrie.

Reverend, these are some white people I invited.

I can sing.

I can sing. I'm talented. I used to be in a band. And I'm not just talking out

of my assity -wassity.

Carrie, this is a big fundraiser for us. If word of mouth isn't good, people

won't come the rest of the week, and we can say goodbye to our new roof. Young

man, are you really that good?

Yes. Yes, I am. You better be, because we don't have time for any more

auditions. Yeah, I'm a really good singer. My friends at Herbie, ask them.

Yes, it's true.

We are his friends.

I dare say he could fill Pavarotti's shoes.

And his shorts.

All right, Kerry.

You're in.

Now, if you pull this off, maybe we'll talk about that raise.

Of course, if you screw it up, he's going to make Drew brush his teeth and

a little book.

You can count on me, sir.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to break out the accordion and start doing

my vocal exercises.

Mommy made me much by M &M's.

Mommy made me much by M &M's.

Are you sure he can do this? Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah? Well, swear on the Bible.

I solemnly swear that Drew Carey is an

excellent singer, and may I burn in hell if he isn't.

Well, all right.

Good enough for me.

Lewis!

How could you do that? You know Drew sucks.

You lied with your hand on a Bible.

I'm a 40 -year -old single janitor.

What's God going to do, take that away?

I thought

this was going to be some lame church fundraiser, not Showtime at the Apollo.

Drew's going to get booed off the stage.

I never really thought about it before, but the children really are the future.

I used to go to the bathroom so bad.

Now,

ladies

and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to our...

Our next performer, fresh -faced young diva.

Not you, Mr. Carey.

Oh, sorry, it must be you.

Well, really.

Full house.

We have to stop Drew before he makes a fool of himself in front of his boss.

Yeah, come on.

Let's just go. We can always find another dumpy friend.

Richard, we need to talk. What are you guys doing here?

I don't know if you've noticed, but there are a lot of talented people out

there, and no one's wearing a chef's hat and knee cymbals.

Oh, I should hope not.

Listen, guys, this is my big chance to impress my boss with something I'm

good at.

Musical theater.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get me some of that.

Drew, she's 11.

Talk about the applause, Oswald, the applause.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to a new and enthusiastic member of

our congregation, Mr. Drew Carey.

He's trying to keep up with me.

Ladies and gentlemen, won't you please come with me to...

MacArthur's Park.

Please don't rap it. Please don't rap it.

Spring's never waiting for a sterile. It rang one step ahead as we

followed in the dance.

Oh, he thinks he's moonwalking, but he's just walking backwards.

Between the potted pages that were pressed.

It loves hot fevered iron like a striped pair of pants.

I'll get him out of this. The same way I got him out of the presidential

physical fitness test.

It's okay.

Don't panic. I can finish the song on the quirky one.

You guys haven't seen how facts come in for me, have you? The church promised to

send me an advance copy of the review.

Oh, here it is.

Well, how is it?

Well, let me read you all the positive bits first.

Done.

Just give me that. No, no, no. It's much more fun if we read it to you. First

time I laughed so hard I almost fired out a preemie.

Here's one of my favorites.

If Drew Carey was Jesus Christ's opening act, Christianity would have closed 2

,000 years ago.

Wait, wait. Let me read one of my favorites.

Drew Carey has defied the laws of physics by proving that it's possible to

and blow at the same time.

Hey, Drew.

Ready for a little celebration lunch?

What? You eat every time this man fails? You people should be huge.

I just got a bad review in the church newsletter.

Was I that bad?

Look, Drew, to be honest, it's no accident that the fire alarm went off

did.

Because you were hot, my friend.

Oh, yes.

Drew, good.

Well, that's what I thought. This guy just must have it in for me.

Oh, he's just jealous of your talent. Forget about it, Drew.

I can't.

If this gets out, nobody's going to buy tickets for the rest of the shows. The

church will never get the roof. Mr. Nichols is going to kill me.

You know what the real problem is?

Yes? What do you think it is?

The alarm went off. They didn't get to hear my whole act.

Let me tell you something.

They're going to change their tune when they hear the rest of mine.

Ooh, you know what? I should write my own songs, too. Yeah, that's right.

Okay,

look. It's time for a mop -up operation, okay? We're going to need comfort food,

beer, and pity sex.

I'll get the beer. I'll get the food.

Every damn time.

All right, stop the presses.

I want to talk to whoever it was that wrote this review.

That would be me.

You wrote this? Of course. No one else in the congregation has my bitchy wit.

You're just a kid. What are you doing writing for a church newsletter?

What were you doing on a stage?

Listen, don't you think this was kind of harsh?

Listen to what you wrote.

African Americans haven't suffered this much from something that happened in a

theater since Lincoln was shot.

Gary, what are you doing here?

I'm trying to save the show.

I'm trying to get this little moron to change his review.

This little moron is my son.

Moron? I meant Mormon.

This isn't a Mormon church.

Oh, my God.

Gary, you just don't get it, do you?

You stink. You ruin the show.

If I stink, how come no one ever told me?

Well, we're telling you now. Tell them, people.

Consider yourself on my crap list.

Let's go, Richard. Good idea. Let's leave pariah Carrie alone.

That's a good one. You should have put that in the review.

I can't put them all in, Daddy.

Hi, Drew.

Hi. Well, it's official.

I'm out of the show.

Everybody thinks I stink.

No, that's not true. Come on. You're great.

Really? Are you guys telling me the truth?

Because, you know, if you can't rely on your friends to tell you the truth,

then, you know what, they're really not your friends.

You were great.

We knew you'd be feeling bad about the review, so I brought you beer.

I brought you food.

Beer. I brought you food.

Hey, sexy.

How was I? You were great!

You really mean it? You're not just saying that because I'm the star of the

show? No!

Fabulous!

So, can we have our paycheck?

Sure, you go.

Hey, listen, so, uh, what do you say? Be right for the show, am I pleased?

No. Oh, I think I need to wash my hair.

Actually, I've got nothing to do tonight, buddy.

No thanks.