Original subtitles

Stupid. No, it's not.

Pictionary is just the thing to get your mind off your breakup with Kate. Yeah,

you gotta get your mind off Kate. All right. A little rough, but here it goes.

It's a movie.

Kate? No, you idiot. It was a Poseidon adventure.

Oh, man, you got it bad.

How can you be so insensitive to draw a picture of Kate when you know what he's

going through?

You too.

Who is this? Ernest Borgnine. Thank you.

Okay, I'll just mess with you guys. I don't... I haven't been thinking about

Kate anymore.

As a matter of fact, I don't need any women. I don't even fantasize about her,

Mike. I've learned to pleasure myself to images of nature.

So that's why the birdbath has been so eerily quiet.

Hey, Drew, check out this commercial. They're putting a pizza on top of

pizza.

They must have gotten your sketches.

Drew, what's the matter?

Kate? Kate gave this vegetable to me.

What is it? I don't know.

Oh, I hate to be in pain.

Hey, remember what our little league coach used to say, huh? Drink it off,

buddy.

It's all I have left of her.

I want it inside me.

She told me he was going to be filled with chocolate.

I thought you said you were over Kate.

Yeah, you're taking it pretty hard.

It wasn't like any old girlfriend. She was my best friend, too, you know.

Well, if you want to go back to being friends, you've got to get over the

girlfriend thing, which means you have to move on to another lady.

He's right. As soon as you sleep with someone else, you won't think of Kate as

girlfriend anymore. She'll just be a friend again.

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's fixing people up.

All you have to do is tell me what you're looking for in the perfect mate.

Hello, hubby, I'm home.

Hubby, what's going on?

Uh, can you guys explain that to me?

Yeah, well, Mr. Wick needed his green card, so he and Drew got married in

Vermont. Uh -huh, and in return, Mr. Wick gave Drew his job back.

And now Wick has to move in until the INF stops checking up on him.

See, this is why I stopped watching my soaps. I miss one day, and I'm just

Now,

I'm just going to move in a few of my things. You won't even know I'm here,

right? So long.

Do we really need a giant harp to prove we're gay?

For your information, I've been playing the harp since I was a boy.

Now you tell me something.

What's gay about this?

This part.

Oh,

this energy car.

comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go sleeveling rock, sleeveling

living in sin where the safety net goes.

Ta -da!

Hey, what do you got there?

It's a magic kit.

It's going to help me make women appear.

I saw that infomercial. I can't believe you're stupid enough to pay 50 bucks for

it. Oh, yeah? Who's stupid? Me or the guy with an egg in his ear?

Excuse me, miss. Looks like you've had a rough day. Would you like some flowers?

Oh, they're sweet.

Not as sweet as the song from this bird.

Oh, nothing in the box?

The amazing Oswaldo will make it appear.

Oh, God!

Who knew you had to feed a magic bird?

Bill? Good. Can I get some breakfast?

Kate, it's 8 o 'clock at night.

Not to me.

I've been so depressed about the breakup, I've slept this whole Monday

It's Wednesday.

No wonder I woke up and peed for 10 minutes.

Hey, listen, here's my ticket to the Browns game. You guys go without me.

be weird if I was there with Drew.

Oh, uh... I'd hang on to that ticket if I were you. I have a feeling you guys

are going to be friends again real soon.

Why do you say that?

Well, we told Drew that he should move on by having sex with another woman. You

should try the same thing, but with a... No.

You should try the same thing.

You idiots.

Why would you say something like that? Did he listen to you?

Oh, yeah, I think he's going out tonight. You'd be surprised what kind of

control we have over him now that you're not around.

Yeah, he's like a big weepy robot.

Danger, danger, I heard inside.

Oh, my God, we just broke up. He's already replacing me?

I'm going to kill him.

We should probably warn Drew, shouldn't we? Yeah, we should do a lot of things.

city, smiling at everybody she sees.

Who's reaching out to capture a moment? Everyone knows it's Wendy.

Damn, this house did need a harp.

So, lonely hunter, how's your heart? Well, I'm not ready to hit the bars yet,

I'm just checking through the personals. What's that when you get circled there?

Oh, that's just a maybe.

600 -pound shut -in seeks lover, friend, or kidney?

Well, I figure I'm halfway there. She's already in bed.

Do you even throw away the personal ads? Because I have got the woman for you.

She's smart.

She's beautiful, and she's going to meet us for drinks in, oh, ten minutes. Come

on, let's get going. Wait, wait, wait. Is she more or less beautiful than Mimi?

No one's more beautiful than Mimi.

In that case, I'm going to call the 600 -pound shut -in.

I'm telling you, she's your type.

You're going to be sorry if you don't come and meet her. When you're on your

deathbed, you're not going to say, gee, I wish I spent more time at home

listening to my husband play the harp.

Come on, Drew, wouldn't you rather stay home and have some popcorn?

Hello, Wembley!

Where's Drew? I need to talk to him.

He's not here.

Worthy, where'd he go?

Well, I'm afraid right now he's probably the all -you -can -eat buffet of...

another woman.

So he's doing it. He's actually going out with another woman.

I'm too late.

Oh,

you poor thing.

You poor, vulnerable thing.

Cocktail? Don't worry, I'm sure it won't last. I mean, what could Drew possibly

have in common with a 22 -year -old, unusually large -breasted Asian swimsuit

model?

Didn't I tell you? Wow,

she's beautiful.

Yes, although there is one problem with her. Yeah, she's over there and I'm over

here.

Hi. Jenny, this is Drew, my baby brother.

Nice to meet you.

You're right, Steve.

I like my men big and hairy.

I got all the hair you want, baby.

Steve, where'd you get such a delightful creature?

Get your hoof off my cousin, pig!

Oh, my God. You're related to Mimi? No wonder you like big, hairy things.

Sweetie, what are you doing here?

Jenny told me you were setting her up with somebody, and I had a bad feeling.

Why don't you move along?

The menu says they serve pork, but that doesn't mean they serve pork.

I just thought it would be nice if Drew and Jenny could meet. They're both

coming off bad breakups. They'll comfort each other.

Oh, big dope. You know Jenny.

She only knows how to comfort a man one way, and that's at the comfort inn.

Look who's talking.

Who showed me the ropes?

And the chains and the leather mask?

You have a leather mask? Can you wear that?

See how he treats me? Do you want to waste all your God -given Bobeck talent

that? Hey, wait a minute. You can't tell me who I can and cannot sleep with.

Wow, you're going to sleep with me?

You're going to sleep with him over my dead body?

Oh, my God, I'm having the best day.

All right, that's it. You know what? Stay out of my business, hag.

Let's go, Steve.

When I'm through with you, you're not going to be able to sit down for a week.

I'll go get the car.

Gosh, I'm really sorry you had to see that.

You know, Mimi was my role model growing up.

What'd you grow up, Monster Island?

I don't know why she doesn't like you. I mean, you're cute.

And you're fuzzy like a little kiwi.

Yeah? You like that?

Yeah, I like that.

Glad they're gone. Now we can have a nice white dinner together, you know,

to know each other.

You know, I haven't been with anyone since my ex dumped me a couple months

Oh, gee, I'm sorry to hear that.

That's a long time ago.

You know, you should really wear underwear in case you get in an

Just the thought of Drew sleeping with another woman so soon, it's like a knife

through my heart.

Don't tell me about my married bastard.

It's just that I've known him all my life and I just never thought he would

something like this.

You know what?

Maybe I'll just go out and sleep with the first guy I meet.

How do you think he'd like that?

I'll tell you how he'd like that. He wouldn't like that at all.

No. So you know what?

Well, shut up. I'll tell you.

I'm going to go out and find a guy.

have an understanding.

Anyways, this is my house.

Well, I've done it worse.

So you're not a virgin. That takes the pressure off.

Jenny? Just follow the voice to the candy.

Oh, this is different.

Bite me.

What? You heard me. Bite me, Doughboy. Bite me.

Can you not say bite me? That would really help me out.

How do you want to do this, huh?

We can go tantric.

We can go missionary, penitentiary.

I don't care as long as you don't say bite me.

Tell me what you want to think a bit and just point to it.

We could go mortuary style.

I will lie perfectly still. And you, you're the mortician. You're free to

my body.

You know, one time Mimi and I dated the same guy and he said in the dark he

couldn't tell us apart.

and maybe a floodlight.

Can you bring back some porn?

Oh, just hit play on the VCR.

turn the lights out.

All right, but I should warn you that everything is slightly to the left of

where it should be.

Who's peeping out from under my box as everyone knows it's Willie?

I can't do this to Drew. I can't do this in Drew's house. I'm sorry.

Wait, Kate!

I know you think it's all about sex, but it's not. There's much more than that.

You know, I've always cared for you. I've always had a special place for you

my heart.

And?

And you're getting sleepy.

What are you doing here?

I came here to see you.

Well, where do you come from? Which bedroom have you dressed like that?

What do you care? From what I hear, you're using my pillow to slide

another woman's butt.

I am not.

Condoms? Oh, and one of that Alka -Seltzer was so chewy.

Just gonna watch porn by myself all night or what?

You are the worst corpse I've ever seen.

I see the naughty mortician got himself an assistant.

Why is it the third person's never a guy, huh?

Whatever. Come on in.

some things you're not used to hearing.

That's right. I think she's going to let me talk dirty.

You ready for some hot sex, you stupid whore?

Listen, forget the mortician stuff. I think we can make all the noise you

Oh, good. Then come over here and give me something to scream about.

It's okay. I can do it from here.

Get out of here!

There's no noise. That's good.

Nothing shuts up Kate during sex.

Unless she's... Oh, my God!

Kate! Don't do it! You're making a big mistake!

Oh.

What do you think I was going to do? Sleep with Wick? Go back to your date.

She's nothing to me.

I was only with her so I could get over you so we could be friends again.

Well, I was only with Wick because I was mad at you for going out with...

another girl so fast so you don't want to sleep with wick hell no he's in the

room you know you didn't really want to sleep with that sleazy girl did you

we're friends now right

I just can't expect her to jump into... Anybody!

Go with God.

You know, one of these days we're probably going to start dating other

No, that's never going to happen because your heart is broken and you're never

going to get over me.

Well, never doesn't really work for me. How about in a month?

I want the love of your life.

How about three months?

Three months?

Yeah, that's crazy. How about Tuesday?

Works for me.

Me too.

I missed you. I missed you.

Hey, uh, are we the kind of friends that... No. Oh.

Just the thought of you sleeping with another, so... I thought you said you

over Kate.

Yeah, you're taking it pretty hard.

Hey, I'm studying... Hey, I thought you said you were over Kate.

Yeah, you're taking it pretty hard.

I miss you too.

So, hey, are we the kind of friends that... No.

Oh.

Maybe just a little bit. All right.