Original subtitles

Mr.

Wick, what are you doing here?

There are things going on here you're better off not knowing.

Hey, Drew, what's up with the suitcases? What's going on?

What have you done to him?

I'd love to help you, really, I would. But that falls into the category of...

Things you're better off not knowing.

All right, buddy. It's time to get Drew to talk, huh?

Huh.

Well, I didn't even get anything from his one good nipple.

Maybe we ought to try someone with two working nipples.

All right, all right. Drew and Kate split up.

He wanted kids and she didn't.

Oh, Drew, buddy, we had no idea.

That's horrible.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, hang on. There's a happy ending.

I'm giving him his job back because he's finally agreed to marry me.

Well, how about that?

Drew, you're the first one of us to get married.

Hey. Hey.

Looks like you won the bottle of scotch, buddy.

I'd use it to wash down a bottle of pills.

No, it's only so I can get my green card and stay in the country.

We're going to Vermont, where homosexuals have the same right to ruin

lives with married and straight people. Now, we're in a bit of a hurry, so get

dressed.

I don't think he wants to get married in that.

I tell you what, when you get a man, you can dress him, all right? Now, come

along.

All right.

Come on, kid. Here we go.

Here we go.

Okay.

You're pretty good at that.

Yeah, I've had a lot of experience down at Drug Co.

Before we put the old test monkeys to death, we dress them up and tell them

we're going to make them into people.

They figured out that when they walk into that room, there's nothing there

fat guy with a hammer.

All right, buddy, you're going through a tough time now. We're going to help you

through this.

Thank you.

How about we go with you? We haven't been arrested in Vermont yet.

Oh, 48 contiguous.

I'm not spending a whole day in a car with you two. My friends are coming.

Well, I've only made reservations for two. My friends are coming!

Why must everything be a fight?

Wait a minute. Does this mean we have to get him a gift?

Yeah. What do you get a guy who's lost a girl of his dreams and is having a gay

green card wedding just to get his crappy job back?

Champagne flutes? You read my mind.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a cruise.

Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

Ohio!

We may now place the ring on her finger.

Come on, Gary, don't be so glum. This is our wedding day.

like most of the parents in here.

I'm sorry, this is just not how I pictured this day.

I thought I'd be in a church, you know, with my family, somebody with a vagina.

Here, this will cheer you up.

Here's the ring I want you to give me during the ceremony.

Wow, that's really beautiful.

Yeah, it's cost a fortune.

And here's the ring I'll be giving you.

Well, yours may be more expensive, but mine can get me into the honeycomb

hideout.

Do you believe this?

This is not a fantasy. There are two live lesbians right in front of us.

Oh, here comes the kids.

I hope one of them fights it. Oh, they're going to do it. They're going to

it. I really don't need to hear your voice right now.

Very nice.

Lesbians.

Lesbians.

Sir Nigel Wick and Sir Drew Carey. Sir.

Well, I'm not marrying a commoner. Come on.

Penny for your thoughts?

I wish I would have died on the toilet last night.

Welcome, friends.

Marriage is the sacred covenant not to be entered into lightly.

It is the joining together of two men... Come on, come on. We're still gay, huh?

Very well.

Do you, Nigel, Algin, and Wick...

Join with this man in civil union.

I do.

And you, sir, Drew Allison Carey, join with this man in civil union.

What am I doing? I should be with Kate right now. This is ridiculous.

Are you having second thoughts?

No, no, of course not. Carey, do you want the job or not?

That's something I won't do until we're married.

No one gets milk free from this cow.

Fine, I do.

By the power vested in me by the state of Vermont, I hereby join you in civil

union. Hooray! Time for the honeymoon, dear!

Thank you, Kelly.

I'm finally an American. I can't wait to get fat and buy guns.

That's just great. I've only been married a minute, and already my wife

get fat and buy a gun.

Are you depressed, buddy?

Yeah. I want to be with Kay, and I miss her so much.

It's like I see her wherever I go.

At the Warsaw, the place she gets her hair cut.

The parking garage at her work.

The Howard Johnson where she turns around when she thinks she's being

Don't worry, buddy. You'll get over her. She dumped me on our wedding day and I

got over her.

Hey, at least you guys made it that far.

Closest I've ever come to an altar is when my Uncle Harlan tried to sacrifice

to make the crops grow.

Ain't that a hoot? I almost died for corn.

No, thanks a lot, but I'm never going to forget Kate.

I need some air.

Poor guy.

Yeah. I didn't go through all this wedding crap.

I'm next!

My knapsack on my back.

I haven't sung that song in years.

Are you okay, mister?

No. Are you lost?

I am so lost.

Have you been going around in circles?

All my life.

Would you like some hot cocoa?

Yeah, that sounds really nice.

Thanks.

Something's wrong.

The birds don't like my birdhouse.

Hey, let me see that.

Oh, scout knife?

Here, what you have to do is, you want to make this hole just a little bit

bigger so the birds can get in and feed, but not too big so the squirrels get in

and get their eggs.

Or if you want to, just make the hole as big as you want. Nail a dead squirrel

to the front of this as a warning to the other squirrels.

You're no stranger to the brown and blue, are you, mister?

Good eye, son.

Terry Drew, Trip 11 from Cleveland.

Yeah, I even made weasel scout back in 72.

I saved some campers by luring a bear away from their campsite.

Wow, how'd you do that?

I didn't know it at the time, but I had a flail fish in my back pocket.

So, are you still scouting? No, I quit.

You quit?

Why? I was 25.

People were starting to talk.

So, how could you just walk away from the scouts?

I was wrong.

Bye, Mr.

Scouts!

It's never too late, mister.

You can always come back to the Scouts.

That's what I can do.

I can be a Scoutmaster.

Drew, we found the bed and breakfast where the lesbians are staying. Yeah, we

rented the room next door and the walls are paper thick.

I want to be a Scoutmaster.

Tomorrow.

I'm dressed like this because my troop is coming by after work.

I thought scouts were taught to bury their crap, not squeeze it into a

You know, Mimi, I'm trying to teach my troop respect for nature. Do you mind if

I bring them by later so I can show them how the Indians used every part of you?

Five o 'clock. Time to do my kegel exercises.

What's that?

It's my weight.

It's easier to give birth if I buff up my woman muscles.

This is your warm -up before you pull a bus?

Well, Pig, I do believe you just complimented my little Mimi.

Well, I don't want to get it mad, none of the slipped and weights.

Hello, hubby. How was your day?

I need the key to your place.

I'm going to have to drop off a few things. It has to look like we live

in case the INS drops by.

How come it has to be my house?

Well, my husband's simply too masculine. Don't worry, I'll just drop off a few

vain knickknacks.

All right, but stay out of my sewing room. You're not going to sissy that up.

What do you say, my little sticky bun?

Now, here's a dating history I've made up for you to memorize.

And use the computer to adopt us some old photographs of you and me.

Behold the life I have created for us.

Come on, no one's going to believe that's us.

That was 20 years ago when we were lifting competitively.

We met as rivals, and over the course of a few years, you lured me into

homosexuality.

I know it's fake, but I love my big gay body.

Hey.

Hey.

How you doing?

Fine, how you doing?

I'm good.

Listen, I heard you got your job back, so I wanted to give you a little

something to congratulate you.

You know, when I bought that, I didn't know you'd be dressed like a child.

Actually, I'm trying to become a scoutmaster.

Oh, thank God.

I thought you'd lost your mind.

Oh, O 'Brien.

I suppose I should thank you.

Can you throw a steak this juicy back on the grill? You know, someone's going to

gobble it up, eh?

What the hell was that about?

Well, you know, you always said you'd love to meet the fool who'd marry Mr.

Wick.

Hello, hello, hello.

Oh, true.

I'm making some money now. I can pay for any therapy you need.

Don't worry, it's just a green card marriage so I can get my job back. The

one getting screwed is the government.

Um, you know, when we broke up, there's, um, something that we didn't talk

about. What do you want to do about the... Oh, the wedding ring.

Uh, why don't you just keep it?

Oh, thanks. That's sweet, but I wouldn't feel right.

Well, I'm not too big to admit I could use the six grand.

You told me eight.

Oh, no, I lied. I hope this doesn't affect our relationship.

You know, Drew, this was the second thing you told me was an eight that was

actually a six.

Are you going to be okay?

Yeah. I got a gay life to memorize, knots to tie.

My plate is full.

Oh, yeah, you know, I took up jogging, and I got stuff to buy for when you jog,

and I got magazines about jogging. I have to read those.

And, you know, my plate's full, too.

So, uh...

See ya.

All right, I'll see you around.

Hey, Mr. Carey. Are you okay?

I am now that my scout's here.

Who's that in the forest?

I'm clearing trails for you.

It's Brown.

It's Blue.

Friends of the Boots and Caraboo. Trail scout. Trail scout. Yay!

Okay, let's do the special chant now.

Who's that in the office?

Stinking up the place.

Me, me, me, me. Your butt looks like your face. What the hell are you?

A good scout never insults people.

That's just the thing, Timmy. It's not people.

You know, kids, Drew's hat's like a pinata. If you bust it open while he's

sleeping, candy comes out.

Actually, blood first, then candy. Keep hitting.

Hey, Gary, I've got some great news.

You've been promoted to Scoutmaster.

Wow, that's great.

Why me?

Well, you signed up and you have a car.

To be honest, we had to dismiss Scoutmaster Doug for violating the Trail

code. And it turns out he's gay.

Wow, what'd he do? Other men.

See, the key to gay is... It's against our rules.

Oh, that's a shame.

I'm going to miss the Cher impressions around the old campfire.

Oh, Drew, you're not wearing your ring.

You know you should wear it. It's a symbol of our big day.

What ring was he talking about?

Our Super Bowl ring. We were both on special teams for the 85 Bears.

Oh, you were in the Super Bowl.

Yeah, kids, before steroids, this is what an athlete looked like.

All right, kids, as you know, our first big campout is tomorrow night.

Since you've been so good, I got a little present for all of you.

Now, here, pack these around.

These walkie -talkies are going to help us keep in touch when we're in the

woods. Now, remember, if anything happens, all you've got to do is press

button and ask for Papa Bear.

And even though these look like toys, they're for emergency use only.

comes a nice lumberjack with a chainsaw real

mature

drew

Time to girly up your house in case the INS drops by?

Would you shut up?

Uh, hey, Bob, why don't you check the scouts' packs, make sure you're all set

for tomorrow?

In the kitchen.

Can't do this now. They can't know we're married.

Oh, so that's it. You're ashamed of me.

No.

No, that's not it.

Yeah, yes, I am ashamed of you.

Now, the trail scouts is the most important thing in my life. You're not

to screw it up.

Well, I guess I won't be wearing my shorty kimono then.

All right, let me just unpack some of these gay things.

How is a bread maker gay? Oh, how is it not?

Hey, Drew, I think everyone's ready for your talk on wilderness safety.

Oh, okay.

Now, guys, when we're out in the woods, some animals can be dangerous around the

campsites. We're going to learn to identify animals by their scat or their

droppings.

Now, a good rule of thumb to remember is little scat cute, big scat scoot.

Coming.

Yes? I'm from the INS. Are you Nigel Wick?

Is Oscar de la Hoya the welterweight champion of my heart?

I think I'm in the right place.

Okay, now who can tell me who these are?

A rabbit.

Good. Now, how about these?

Deer. Good. Now, how about this one?

Yours, Mr. Carey.

In my dreams, that's a bear.

Drew, guess who dropped by?

I don't know. Somebody's pooping, I'll tell you.

Drew, he's from the INS.

Oh, okay, I'll be right in. No hurry, just need to ask you a couple of

about your marriage to Nigel.

What's he talking about, Drew?

Oh, no.

You're not gay, too, are you?

Well, he better be if he's married to this man.

Okay, kids, bear girl.

Hope it gets to cover your ears. Bears love ears.

Listen, I'm plenty gay to marry this man.

But I'm not too gay to be a scoutmaster.

So I guess that makes me, um... Bisexual. Right, exactly.

I'm bisexual. I'm only half gay. I'm like Siegfried without Roy.

I have enough of this.

I need to know right now if this marriage is real or not. Because if it

Nigel Wick is out of the country.

And if it is, you're out of the scouts.

True?

Uh, you know, the Trail Scouts' first big rule is to be honest and to tell the

truth.

I can't wake up in the morning without my English muffin.

Thank you, Drew.

Okay, Scouts, change of plan.

Code pink, everyone in the van.

Sorry, Drew.

You know the rules.

You may kick me out of the Trail Scouts, but you can't kick me out of the wood.

I'm going to find Scoutmaster Doug and all the other band gay scoutmasters.

We're going to farm our own troops.

I'm not going to stop until there's a gay man behind every tree.

I'm going to make America's forest look like Studio 54.

As far as I can tell, you two are a peculiar but legitimate couple. It looks

good to me.

Looks great, I'd say.

Don't know how to thank you, Cary.

How about by never touching my ass again?

I can do better than that.

You're no longer the assistant head of personnel at Winford Louder.

I'm promoting you to head of personnel.

So, I lose the trail scouts, which is all that means anything to me anymore,

in return I get a title I should have had five years ago?

If you hit me now, it's a hate crime.

No, it's not.

No, it's not. It's spousal abuse and the police will look the other way.

Welcome to America.

The years, you've never let me down.

You've turned my life around The sweetest days I've found

I've found with you Through the years I've never been

afraid

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