Original subtitles

Drew, you're still in bed?

Yeah, this is my new job now, watching cartoons till I die.

Drew, you've been lying around for weeks.

Let me help you out here. Mighty Mouse saves the day. He always saves the day.

He's really good at it. That's why, despite his size, they call him Mighty.

I've got something that's going to get you out of bed. I brought you a big

surprise from work, and it's right outside the door.

It's about to go away.

No, Drew, it's really, really cool. It's from the Rockwell Hall of Fame. Hey.

Do you know where my pee bottle is? Oh, true.

I have the Go -Go's outside.

Do the Go -Go's have a pee bottle? Oh.

Hey, Mr. Mayor, we're the Go -Go's.

That is not the mayor.

I'm starting to think there's not going to be a Go -Go's day in Cleveland.

Wow.

You know, if you guys were in your little shorty pajamas, this would be

like my dream.

I'm totally sorry that I tricked you, but it was for a really good cause. He's

been really depressed, and I thought you could do something for him. Yeah,

something for Drew. Something for Drew.

I bet one of your songs could get him out of bed.

Look, I took some, uh, liberty.

But you gals, just follow me. Okay.

Vacation, Drew, please get out of bed.

Vacation, you smell like you're dead. Okay,

he's up.

Let's get out of here.

Try to fill in those five jars in the basement waiting for our kids.

Hey, before you guys go, can I ask you a question?

What do you guys think of Cleveland?

Cleveland. One, two, three, four.

I got it. Oh, I can't wait.

Now, remember, Mimi, it doesn't matter what our baby's sex is. We'll love it

either way.

I know, but if it's a girl, I could teach her how to do her hair and makeup.

And if she ever needs money, she can always make a living as a stripper.

You've got me through some hard times.

But a boy would be nice, too.

I could teach him tap and stagecraft and how to appraise porcelain dolls.

Oh, okay.

Here goes.

Uno, dos, tres.

It's a boy!

Oh, no!

Actually, I'm kind of glad it's not a girl because what woman could live up to

this beauty?

Any woman, most men and some horses. Morning.

We just found out we're having a boy. You're going to have a nephew.

Wow, congratulations.

Luck okay?

Yeah, sure.

Come in.

Good God, Jerry.

You're fired and you've still got better attendance than the other employees.

I think I'll be back to work after you see this.

That's the list of every atrocity you've ever committed against me.

I made you work on the Christmas Eve your grandmother died.

Oh, I so love the holidays.

January 7th, 1999, coldest day of the year, I made you warm up the toilet seat

for me.

This is delightful, Carrie. I was having such a bad day, I don't know how to

thank you.

President's evidence for my lawsuit.

And when will the judge hear about Nipple Twist Tuesday?

Let's put a gravestone here, because this nipple is dead.

I've got bigger problems than your dead nipple.

My work visa finally ran out. They're deporting me.

I can't go back to England. I'm a dead man there.

Someone wants to kill you? No, I fake my own death.

The only way I could think of getting out that damn record club. Oh, they say

CDs for a tuppence, but they just keep coming and coming and coming.

Oh, well.

So Uncle Sam is finally booting you back to England, huh? Well, good luck

relearning the metric system, sucker.

I'm not dead yet, Gary.

If I can get an American citizen to marry me by the end of the week, I can

stay in the country.

Oh, hi, Sheila. It's Nigel.

Listen, I know it's been a while, but your beautiful face still haunts me. I

guess what I'm trying to say is, damn it, will you marry me, Sheila Black?

Oh, your last name's Miller.

Oh, you're Black.

Oh, well, then, uh... Well, you had to be a black sheet of leather.

I don't give up, sir. Maybe you can call Beverly Burning Sensation.

Is it so hard to love a bankrupt middle -aged Englishman with only one testicle?

Oh, you know, you are in America, the land of meat and potatoes, not meat and

potato.

Lord, what am I going to do? Every woman I know hates me.

Don't forget the fellas. We hate you, too.

Wait a second.

I did forget the fellas.

Hello, hello, hello. That's it.

If I marry a man, I can still stay in the country.

You can't marry a man. No, Jude, there's a state where it's legal now.

Marry me in Vermont, the state that makes New Hampshire nervous.

I'm not going to marry you.

Oh, please. It's just a legal thing on paper until I get my green card. Then we

can get divorced.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I'm not gay. I hate you. I'm marrying Kate, and I want to see you kicked out

the country.

Gary, if you go through with this, I'll give you your job back and a 10 % raise.

There is no way I'm going to marry you. And you know what else? Now I'm going to

add sexual harassment to this lawsuit.

To you in court.

Drew, wait.

I'm just a boy.

Standing in front of another boy.

Asking him to love me.

You know, someday I will be trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage, but it's

not going to be with you.

Thank you so much for squeezing me in. I'll be right over.

Drew, where have you been? I need to talk to you.

Sorry, we were celebrating. I'm still unemployed.

Yeah, even though Wick dangled a pretty nice package in front of him.

What are you talking about? Oh, let's just say it was raining men and Drew

almost got caught in a man's food.

This is for a green card stuff. Marrying a man doesn't make you gay.

It's the honeymoon that makes you gay.

I don't have time for this. Drew, don't get all weirded out.

I put a stick in the stream and there was a dot in it.

Do you understand?

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

I'm trying to tell you that I'm late.

Well, then, get out of here. Go.

No,

I'm late for... All right, forget it. I'll tell you later.

What was she talking about?

I have no idea.

She said she put a stick in a stream and there was a dot in it.

We're not stupid. We can figure this out.

I wish Kate would leave her pregnancy test in the bathroom.

What could she be trying to tell us?

It's an anagram.

Dot spelled backwards is Todd.

Paperboy's name is Todd.

Todd's in a stream and he's hanging on by a stick.

Oh, my God.

That's what the dot means. Kate's pregnant.

You're going to have a kid?

Yeah. Going to be a father.

I need to talk a talk down.

Hey,

speedy.

Quick news.

Pretty soon, there's going to be a new member of the family, and you're going

be smarter than for about two weeks.

Now, pretend this is your new baby brother picture.

How are you going to say hello?

Say hello.

Say hello.

Say hello. Say hello.

I hope a real baby has a stronger neck.

We brought you some comfort food because we heard you didn't get your job back.

Honey, look at the decorations.

Maybe he's throwing himself a pity party before he kills himself.

I'll turn on the oven.

I'm celebrating something, but I can't tell you what it is right now.

But I can give you a hint.

I'm having a baby.

What? For lunch?

She's at the hospital now. Girl!

Oh, I'm so happy for you, bro.

Maybe our sons can play dolls together.

So exciting. You know what?

I always wanted to be a dad. I just never met the right woman.

It's going to be like a dream come true, man. Her boobs are going to be huge.

Hey, Drew.

Just a second.

Do you guys mind? I'm kind of private.

Oh, sure.

We'll see you later.

Congratulations,

Dad.

The 20 only gave you a dollar.

Means more to me not to hug you.

Remember what we were talking about before?

I have the best news. Okay, wait a minute.

Tell me on three. Okay. One, two, three. I'm not pregnant!

Oh.

Hey, all right.

Drew, you wanted me to be pregnant?

Yeah, well, you know, we're...

We're in love. We're going to get married anyway. We want to start the

now.

Oh, you know what?

We haven't talked about this before, but I'm really focused on my job right now.

And this is the first time I have a job that's going somewhere.

Well, we'll just wait three weeks till you get fired, honey.

Oh, I love working at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I'm learning a ton, and

they're finally giving me some responsibility.

Look, today they gave me a key.

To what?

I forget, but they trust me.

Look, I know you're disappointed about not having a kid right now, but look on

the bright side.

We can always have sex with the doors open.

We never have to see any shows on ice.

And when pets die, we don't have to have a big funeral for them. We can just

throw them away.

That sounds nice.

Yeah. All right, so I'm going to go get naked, and what do you know? I might

just leave the door open.

Good. Bad news.

Our goldfish.

Mr. Goldfish?

He died.

Would you mind saying a few words? He always liked you.

Yeah, uh, I'll go get the Bible and I'll meet you in the toilet.

You like?

Don't do that to me.

You know, all this could be yours.

I thought you called me down here to discuss my suit.

I did.

Which one would you like?

May I say I think you'd make a lovely man bride in this.

I'm not going to marry you. And I'm getting sick and tired of this crap.

Poor little rabbit.

You zig and you zag, but my hot breath is on your fluffy cotton tail.

You wouldn't know what to do if you caught this big bunny.

This has gotten very uncomfortable.

Yes, it has.

Hey, pig. I'm glad you're here. I was getting all this cool stuff for my baby,

and I figured...

Oh, what the hell. I might as well get something for your little piglet.

Dada. Dada.

Thanks, Mimi.

You know, it says other things.

It's up, Fred.

Oh, sorry.

That's okay. She won't have a baby right now anyway.

Damn. She's putting off having a baby at her age. Maybe she doesn't want one at

all.

Hey, you know, there's plenty of good things about not having a baby. No

artwork on your refrigerator.

No Christmas toys to put together.

No one to say, Daddy, you're my hero.

Yeah, you don't want a toddler blowing smoke like that up your ass.

Hey, Ed, can I talk to you for a second? Sure, Drew. What can I do for you?

You know I've never had kids, right?

Nope, sure didn't.

How'd that work out for you? Well, we travel wherever and whenever we want. We

take classes.

We've got tons of hobbies.

That sounds nice.

Anything to keep out the emptiness.

Is that bad?

Only when I see people my age with kids.

We won't have anybody to take care of us when we get older.

That's why my wife and I made a suicide pact.

Next week, we're going to kill each other in Florida.

Hey, drug safe.

Hey, kids.

Oh, good birthday today, huh? I was a Little League championship for you

And I had my first poem published.

And I made dinner. It's a lovely mahi -mahi with a mango chutney.

Catch it, Daddy. I made beanie -weenies.

The squeeze cheese?

But of course.

Ah, right.

I made a remote for you, Daddy, so you can begin your evening of drinking and

television watching.

Well, I'd love two kids, but we have to have a family meeting.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

What is it, Daddy?

Well, none of you exist.

Yeah, Kate decided she didn't want to have kids.

But if I don't exist, I'll never invent the hyperdrive.

Mankind will never reach the stars.

And we'll all die when the sun burns out.

Sorry, Sally.

Kate got a job at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Well... I guess there's nothing left to say.

Who's going to keep you out of a nursing home?

Beware of an orderly named Jane.

Kate, wake up. I've got to talk to you.

What?

Listen, I know you said you didn't want to have kids right now, but when do you

think you do want to have kids?

Tomorrow. Really?

No, let's talk about this tomorrow.

No. Kate, I want to talk to you about this right now. It's important.

Sweetie, I thought I told you I want to focus on my job right now.

Well, don't you want to juggle a job and your family so you can have it all?

I've been watching The View again.

I know this is important to you, but you're not hearing me about my job.

No, no, I got you. The job's important. I got it, I got it. But we can work it

out. You can go to work and bring home the bacon, and I can be a stay -at -home

dad. Then we'll have kids and bacon. That's all I really need.

What if it was just us and bacon?

So, you don't think you ever want to have kids ever?

What if I don't?

Kate, I'm over 40 years old.

I know, but you don't have to turn on the light to show me that.

No, I mean...

I don't want to be an old man having kids. When I bounce a kid on my knee, I

want it to be on purpose, not because I'm shaking uncontrollably.

If we're not going to have kids, then what's the point?

What's the point of getting married at all?

Why should we get married if we're not going to have kids?

I don't want you to wake up in 10 years and hate me because we never had kids.

I don't want that either.

This can't be happening.

I should go.

No, no, don't.

It's really late. Why don't you stay?

Come on, Speedy.

Come on, buddy.

Well, take a look around, Speedy.

That's right, I lost the woman of my dream.

Got no job.

This is what they call rock bottom.

All right, final offer.

Get your job back, you get a raise, you get a company car, and you get my

parking space.

Deal.

worry, Speedy.

A lot of doggies have two dads. It's okay.

What's your name, big fella?

James.

Oh, no.

James, what are you gonna do to me?

Something that should have been done to you a long time ago.

It's time to eat your broccoli.

No!