All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s06e05 Drew Live II

Hi, everybody. Welcome to the second
annual live Drew Carey show.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

God bless you. Thank you very much.

Now, just like last year, a lot of the
show is going to be improvised. We're

going to make a lot of it up right off
the top of our heads.

But this year, we're taking an extra big
chance because I'm going to get five

volunteers in the audience to do the
improv stuff with us. We're going to use

professionals whatsoever.

Who wants to be on the show? Let's see.

Father,

how would you like to be on a TV show?

Jump in J .J. Walker.

Dynamite. Come on down here. We got a
free sex group.

All we need, all we need now is two gay
tourists.

And you wanted to go to Will and Grace.
Oh, shut up, Nancy.

Wow. Look at you guys all gone. Where
are you guys from?

Florida.

Who'd you vote for?

Well, we both voted for Buchanan by
mistake.

Come on over here.

We need two more people.

Let's go, Tim, and we're losing him.
Hey, you guys want to be on a television

show? Sure.

Call this guy with the hat and the
microphone. He's going to take over the

and makeup. Thanks for volunteering.

That's really good of you.

Now all we need is a host.

Clear!

The rules are simple.

Every time you see me, the actors are
going to have to play a new improv game.

And every time you hear this bell,
they're going to have to come up with a

line.

They're going to have to plant corn in
my chest hair.

They're going to have to mud wrestle in
a kiddie pool.

Where's Wick?

Look, it's Drew.

Now, what would bring you back to a job
that you were fired from?

Pig's gonna kill us all! He's got a gun!

Amy, I don't have a gun.

Then what's that in your pants?

Nothing. Ha -ha, I made you say it. Ha
-ha.

Well, they usually hang out in the back
of the cage, but this one came right up

to the glass.

Hello!

Mr.

Wick. I just got this in the mail saying
you're denying my unemployment claim.

Now we need that money. I'm out of a
job. I'm broke.

Then you shouldn't have quit. I didn't
quit. I was fired.

That's not what the paperwork said.
Maybe you should talk to the assistant

director of personnel.

I was the assistant director of
personnel.

Then you shouldn't have quit. I didn't
quit. I was fired.

There must be a mistake in the
paperwork. Why don't you talk to the

director of personnel?

I was the assistant director of
personnel. Then you shouldn't have quit.

didn't quit. I was fucked. Oh, I give
up. Ah, so you did quit. Benefits

And that's our little show. Thank you
very much.

Eugene, you didn't clap. Why not?

Because I think what you did to Drew was
cruel.

Really? Well, now you're going to think
this is very, very cruel.

You're fired, too.

And, everyone, Eugene's Internet name is
Mr. Lovely Cheeks.

Eugene's Internet name is Mr. Fabulous
Bottom Trouser Man.

Yes, I know.

Ah, Mr. Fabulous Bottom Trouser Man, at
last we meet.

Now what am I going to do?

Oh, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.
Listen, I know a lot of people can use a

CPA like you. I'll put in a couple of
calls and get you an interview.

Oh, thanks, Drew.

Gee, I wish there was a way to repay
you. Now, you're definitely not gay,

Because I could really rock your world.

Believe me, Eugene, if there was a way I
could get turned on by a lumpy middle

-aged man, I would be flipping you like
a pancake.

If there was a way I could get turned on
by Canadians, I'd have moved there by

now.

I'd show you my great white north.

Hey, how about if I just give you 10 %
of my first

month's salary, like I would any
employment agency?

All right.

Oh, wait a second.

I could start my own employment agency.
I put people in jobs all the time.

Thanks a lot, Eugene.

It must be jam, because jelly don't
shake like that.

I think we need a new theme song for the
live Drew Carey show. So, Laura Hall

and Wayne Brady, why don't you improvise
a new theme song in the style of a

disco tune?

Who's that big man from Cleveland?

That's Drew.

He's a bad mother. Shut your mouth.
There's a sense of sense.

Now, don't you know what I'm saying?

This show is live and I'm not playing.

There's one funny man big enough for me
and you.

What's his name? His name is Drew.

Oh, he's a funny man. And ABC has got
him right from his glasses right down to

his very big bottom.

Come on now, tune in. Why, his name is
Drew.

Hey, everybody. I just filled another
job.

Hey. Congratulations, Chuck. You're the
state of Ohio's new executioner.

Get out there and knock him dead.

Come on, Eugene. We've got to do our
practice interview.

Okay. So, what kind of work are you
looking for? We're looking for improv

Oh. Well, you've come to the right
living room.

Lewis, Oswald, Greg, and Kathy, we're
going to show you tonight's episode of

Felicity, which is airing right now. But
we're going to turn the sound off, and

we want you to supply the dialogue.

Only now, it's a sex education film
directed by Alfred Hitchcock.

You see, the only way I get excited is
when birds appear.

I'm looking at you from behind the
window.

Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run.

You don't like me, do you? That's
precisely why I must make love to you

sanitarily.

Look at me.

Look at me. What do you have to say for
yourself?

So, Mr. Anderson, can you explain this
two -year gap in your work history?

I wish I could. I was drunk and living
with a bullfighter in Mexico.

No, no, Eugene.

In an interview, you're supposed to
accentuate the positive instead of the

negative. So you weren't a drunk living
with a bullfighter in Mexico. You were

bending over backwards to open up
relations down south.

You weren't drunk living with a
bullfighter in Mexico.

You were with me last Saturday.

Now,

give me another negative about yourself.

Well, I watch soaps while I make long
-distance phone calls on the company

No, so you, my friend, are a
multitasker.

Excuse me. Oh, you know what? I once ran
over someone and kept on going.

No, no, no. You don't let obstacles get
in your way. Now get out of here.

Cary Employment Agency.

Oh!

Cary... Cary must be on line one. Cary
Employment Agency.

Oh, yeah. I'm needed like that Wilson
guy.

Oh, good.

Yeah, I can get you another couple
people.

Easy. Well, thank you very much.

How about that?

That is five people I've placed in jobs
today. That's five lives I've changed.

You know, I just don't feel good.

I feel Oprah good.

I wish I loved my job as much as you
love yours. I thought you liked being a

delivery guy.

Oh, no. You know, the dogs are always
biting me. The boxes are breaking my

And you know that woman who always comes
to the door naked?

Yeah. All that mail -order meat going
right to her ass.

I made her up.

I tell you, it's no great thing being a
janitor at Drug Co. A monkey could do my

job. No, don't say that.

No, seriously, they're grooming a monkey
to do my job.

They even named him Louis so he can use
my overalls.

Well, you guys have been held those jobs
forever.

That's really surprising to me.

Hey, you know what?

That call was about a couple of jobs I
think you guys are perfect for. Yeah,

ever hear of that restaurant chain
called Shenanigans?

No, I've been to Hijinx, but I don't
know Shenanigans.

It's the same place, they just changed
their theme.

Yeah, anyway, they're looking for two
undercover customers.

Yeah, what you do is you go in and you
order a beer and a meal and then you

report on the service.

Whoa, I'd love a job like that where you
just sit around eating and drinking

beer. Count me in. Hey, look at me, I'm
not an alcoholic.

I'm a workaholic.

I'm an accident waiting to happen.

All right, I'm an alcoholic.

How about you, Lewis?

How about you, Lewis? You know, if I
recommend you for this job, you're as

as in.

Sounds good to me. I'm ready to get out
of drug co.

Tell you, those monkey revolts are
getting fiercer and fiercer.

You know, it's a young man's game.

See this?

I hesitated.

See this?

That Mimi is wild.

Oh,

thank you. It's so nice of you to take
me out to dinner while my hubby's out of

town, Mr. Wick. Oh, not at all, Mimi.
It's the least I can do.

Oh, dear.

I've seemed to have come away without my
bill filled. I wonder if you'd be so

kind to pick up this one.

Hey, a lady never pays.

A lady also never shaves her armpits in
the car on the way over.

Clean the ashtray out afterwards.

Oh, that's right. You're a European. You
like them with big gobs of hair

dangling under their arms. Well, you're
an American. I'll bust her.

Okay, I'll pay for this one, but then
you'll owe me.

Wait a minute. If we drink at work, what
are we going to do on our time off?

Not a problem.

I'm at work.

I'm taking a break.

I'm at work.

I'm taking a break.

Hi, guys.

Hey. Hey, I'm afraid I got some bad
news. I thought there was two openings,

there's only one opening down at
Shenanigans. What?

What are we going to do now? We both
quit our jobs.

What? What'd you do that for? Why'd you
do that?

Because a good former friend of mine
said, and I quote, you're as good as in.

As good as. I said as good as. That
doesn't mean you're in. Well, now we're

good as screwed.

No, yeah, you're screwed.

I mean, you just have to get your jobs
back. That's all. I can't. I painted I

quit on my butt and hopped backwards
into my boss's office.

I never got back a drug car. I really
opened up the gates to hell down there.

Oh, what'd you do?

I told you, I opened up the gates to
hell.

I'm a janitor. I got a key for
everything.

Hello,

boys.

I think it's time to play a game of
emotional prop.

Lewis and Oswald, I want you to tell
Drew how mad you are at him, and Drew, I

want you to beg their forgiveness.

However, whoever holds the pennant is
paranoid, whoever holds the trophy is

foghorn leghorn, and whoever holds the
ketchup is turning into a werewolf.

Why don't you forgive me? I would do
anything if you...

What's wrong with you? I say, I say, I
say, I don't know the boy anymore. I

don't know the boy anymore. What are you
doing?

You gotta see, you gotta forgive me,
boy.

I've been trying, I've been trying to
ask you to forgive us all this time.

Hey, you know what? I don't know what to
do because I can only offer the job to

one of you guys. Well, if you don't pick
me, I'm not going to be your friend

anymore. Yeah, and if you pick him, I'm
not going to be your friend anymore.

Pants.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Excuse me, Drew.

This just came in from ABC News.

Oh, wow. Oh, my God. I'm sorry to
interrupt the show. Looks like all the

from Florida have been counted. Looks
like Al Gore is going to be declared the

winner of the election. That's right,
ladies and gentlemen. Al Gore is the

president -elect.

Uh -oh. Wait a second.

This is incredible.

After counting the overseas absentee
ballots, George W. Bush is now the

president. He's been declared the winner
of the... Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

Amazing. This is absolutely amazing. It
now appears, ladies and gentlemen, that

I've just been screwing with you. I
don't know a damn thing.

So, did you make up your mind yet?

Who are you going to give the job to,
Oswald Lewis?

Oh, man, I don't know. Whoever I pick,
one of them is going to be mad at me.

I'd pick Lewis.

I wouldn't want him to be mad at me.

Remember the time he came out of Silence
of the Lambs saying, now there's a guy

who did something with his life?

Remember the time he came out of Silence
of the Lambs saying, you know, with a

nice tie, a skin suit would be
fantastic?

Remember when he came out of Silence of
the Lambs saying, Hannibal's mask was

just like the mask my mother made me?

Hire Oswald.

Hey. Hey, Drew.

So, did you make up your mind, or should
I say did you decide which one of your

friends you wanted to keep? Hey, back
off.

Drew doesn't need any more pressure.

What he needs is this really cool gift I
bought him. Oh.

I know how much you like baseball.

Wow.

What's this?

It's Babe Ruth's skull.

Hey, where's all the whores and the hot
dogs?

Yeah, wait a minute.

How do we really know this is Babe
Ruth's skull?

Must be. He signed it himself right
here.

Nice try, Lewis.

Thanks for nothing, Grandpa.

Boy, Drew, when you finish a meal, you
finish a meal.

Drew, forget it.

Forget about the gift there. You should
give the job to the person who's most

qualified. No, to the person that you
like the most. No, to the one who's

dancing.

You know, the only fair thing to do is
to see which one of you

guys can actually do the job. Why don't
you just go down to Shenanigans and have

a tryout? That's a good idea. What do
you guys think about that? That's a

good idea.

Hello, Wilbur.

I also got a gift for Drew. I want you
to all open the box and come up with an

explanation for what it is.

It's Jimmy Durante, this guy.

You know what? You guys need to stop
ordering your sex toys over the

Oh, you can see my colostomy.

I think it's a ding.

that feedback. It's karaoke time.

Oh, lovely singing.

We'll be peaches and herb. I'll be
peaches.

Okay.

Hey.

Excuse me. We're next.

I don't think so. Hold on. Hold on. I
know a way you can all sing together.

a game called the Irish drinking song.

And I want you to sing a song about
alternative uses for Martha Stewart.

Oh, you'll put her in.

She's popular in Mexico.

She's popular in gay bars.

Thanks a lot, Mimi.

She's popular wherever.

I really like her a lot.

You should have tried getting it from
Dwayne. Martha is so hot. Oh, dee -die,

dee -die, dee -die, dee -die, dee -die,
dee -die. Hey!

Wayne. Wayne.

Well, the manager from Shenanigans is in
here, so we might as well get going and

do the tryout. But they're worried about
employee honesty, so why don't you go

around so you can find any of the
employees here to bend the rules for you

little bit. Okay.

Time to go undercover.

Excuse me.

I come from Germany, you know, the home
of Strudel and Oompapa's bondage.

You know, I have this $100 bill. I
wonder if you could give me some change.

Remember, I am foreign, and I do not
understand your currency.

Okay. My family's from Germany.

Where are you from?

Actually, I am from a small town in
France, named Germany. Oh, I went to

in France.

But it's funny, I don't know German at
all.

You know what?

You look familiar. Where'd you go to
high school?

Winkliff High.

So did I.

Hey, how about giving an old high school
buddy a free drink? I won't tell the

boss. Can't do that.

All right, look. I didn't want to play
this card, but I'm your father.

Get that. He has medicine.

Hey, no cash, no drink.

You're still not too big to take across
my knee, mister.

The pink guy breastfed you for a year.

So, what do you think?

I think you two ought to be sterilized.
Oh, come on.

Give us another chance.

All right, well, they're worried about
the waitresses and their attitudes. Why

don't you find a waitress here and be
rude to her and see what she does.

Oh, boy, it looks like you got a real
bastard on your hands, don't you, lady,

huh? What will you do? What will you do,
huh?

Some people, huh?

Oh, oh, oh.

She almost lost it again.

There you go. Now you're set.

How does it feel to be the meat in a
bastard sandwich, huh?

I'm so sorry, miss.

But look, look. See that hidden camera
over there? You're on when idiots

I can't believe you guys. That was
terrible. I can't recommend you guys for

job now. I'd ruin my reputation. I'd be
out of business in a day.

What are we going to do? We haven't got
jobs because of you.

Yeah, some friend you are.

Oh, I'll tell you what. I'll make it up
to you guys. Why don't you work for me?

You can both be my vice president.

What's the pay? Nothing to start with,
but I can double it later on.

Triple it. Deal. All right.

Now I've got to find a real job. I wish
I hadn't paid it. I quit on my butt,

hopped backwards down the hall, and took
a left into my boss's office. And wait

a minute.

If I hopped backwards down the hall, I
should have taken a right.

I went into blind Janet's office.

That was her seeing -eye dog that was
licking my butt.

You're so stupid, you can't even quit.

Oh, yeah? Who's stupid? I'm going back
to work where there's a butt -licking

dog.

What about me, Drew?

Who's going to lick my butt? I'm sorry,
Lewis. I'll get your job back someday. I

don't care how long it takes.

Well, it better not take longer than 60
seconds, or you'll be doing it on Spin

City. Follow me to Lewis's boss's
office. Watch for the prize.

Oh, and, uh, the rest of you.

I want you to sing a verse about if dogs
ruled the world.

Oh, dee -die, dee -die, dee -die, dee
-die, dee -die, dee -die. If the dog was

king of the world. He would have a bone.

And he would stay at home all alone.

He'd play with the girl dogs. He'd sniff
their little bottoms.

And when they'd come around him.

Because they've got them.

Yes. We'll keep cranking up those Leno
clones simultaneously.

Yes. I want to be able to play every
comedy club in America at the same time.

That's right.

Oh. Yes.

And bring me the head of that carrot
town.

All right, you two. I want you to
persuade Lewis's boss to give him his

back. Only, Lewis, you're a pirate
interior decorator.

And, Drew, you're...

Jay Leno.

Gee, I wish you'd give me my... Gee, I
wish you'd give me my job back.

The hell are you doing?

Look, I just want Lewis to get his job
back, so I... Yeah, that's all I want.

Why should I give him his job back?

Arr, I'll decorate the whole place in
feathers.

How would you feel about that?

You want to hear him again?

No!

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You know what they say about guys with
big chins.

Welcome back to the show. Before we end
the show tonight, I want to thank all

the gang from Whose Line Is It Anyway
for helping us out tonight. Thanks a

everybody.

And I want you two to enjoy your dinner
and tell a story in the conducted story

style as a Southern Baptist preacher.
But whoever's talking is the person that

I'm squirting the gun at. So get
started.