Original subtitles

Hi, everybody. Welcome to the second annual live Drew Carey show.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

God bless you. Thank you very much.

Now, just like last year, a lot of the show is going to be improvised. We're

going to make a lot of it up right off the top of our heads.

But this year, we're taking an extra big chance because I'm going to get five

volunteers in the audience to do the improv stuff with us. We're going to use

professionals whatsoever.

Who wants to be on the show? Let's see.

Father,

how would you like to be on a TV show?

Jump in J .J. Walker.

Dynamite. Come on down here. We got a free sex group.

All we need, all we need now is two gay tourists.

And you wanted to go to Will and Grace. Oh, shut up, Nancy.

Wow. Look at you guys all gone. Where are you guys from?

Florida.

Who'd you vote for?

Well, we both voted for Buchanan by mistake.

Come on over here.

We need two more people.

Let's go, Tim, and we're losing him. Hey, you guys want to be on a television

show? Sure.

Call this guy with the hat and the microphone. He's going to take over the

and makeup. Thanks for volunteering.

That's really good of you.

Now all we need is a host.

Clear!

The rules are simple.

Every time you see me, the actors are going to have to play a new improv game.

And every time you hear this bell, they're going to have to come up with a

line.

They're going to have to plant corn in my chest hair.

They're going to have to mud wrestle in a kiddie pool.

Where's Wick?

Look, it's Drew.

Now, what would bring you back to a job that you were fired from?

Pig's gonna kill us all! He's got a gun!

Amy, I don't have a gun.

Then what's that in your pants?

Nothing. Ha -ha, I made you say it. Ha -ha.

Well, they usually hang out in the back of the cage, but this one came right up

to the glass.

Hello!

Mr.

Wick. I just got this in the mail saying you're denying my unemployment claim.

Now we need that money. I'm out of a job. I'm broke.

Then you shouldn't have quit. I didn't quit. I was fired.

That's not what the paperwork said. Maybe you should talk to the assistant

director of personnel.

I was the assistant director of personnel.

Then you shouldn't have quit. I didn't quit. I was fired.

There must be a mistake in the paperwork. Why don't you talk to the

director of personnel?

I was the assistant director of personnel. Then you shouldn't have quit.

didn't quit. I was fucked. Oh, I give up. Ah, so you did quit. Benefits

And that's our little show. Thank you very much.

Eugene, you didn't clap. Why not?

Because I think what you did to Drew was cruel.

Really? Well, now you're going to think this is very, very cruel.

You're fired, too.

And, everyone, Eugene's Internet name is Mr. Lovely Cheeks.

Eugene's Internet name is Mr. Fabulous Bottom Trouser Man.

Yes, I know.

Ah, Mr. Fabulous Bottom Trouser Man, at last we meet.

Now what am I going to do?

Oh, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. Listen, I know a lot of people can use a

CPA like you. I'll put in a couple of calls and get you an interview.

Oh, thanks, Drew.

Gee, I wish there was a way to repay you. Now, you're definitely not gay,

Because I could really rock your world.

Believe me, Eugene, if there was a way I could get turned on by a lumpy middle

-aged man, I would be flipping you like a pancake.

If there was a way I could get turned on by Canadians, I'd have moved there by

now.

I'd show you my great white north.

Hey, how about if I just give you 10 % of my first

month's salary, like I would any employment agency?

All right.

Oh, wait a second.

I could start my own employment agency. I put people in jobs all the time.

Thanks a lot, Eugene.

It must be jam, because jelly don't shake like that.

I think we need a new theme song for the live Drew Carey show. So, Laura Hall

and Wayne Brady, why don't you improvise a new theme song in the style of a

disco tune?

Who's that big man from Cleveland?

That's Drew.

He's a bad mother. Shut your mouth. There's a sense of sense.

Now, don't you know what I'm saying?

This show is live and I'm not playing.

There's one funny man big enough for me and you.

What's his name? His name is Drew.

Oh, he's a funny man. And ABC has got him right from his glasses right down to

his very big bottom.

Come on now, tune in. Why, his name is Drew.

Hey, everybody. I just filled another job.

Hey. Congratulations, Chuck. You're the state of Ohio's new executioner.

Get out there and knock him dead.

Come on, Eugene. We've got to do our practice interview.

Okay. So, what kind of work are you looking for? We're looking for improv

Oh. Well, you've come to the right living room.

Lewis, Oswald, Greg, and Kathy, we're going to show you tonight's episode of

Felicity, which is airing right now. But we're going to turn the sound off, and

we want you to supply the dialogue.

Only now, it's a sex education film directed by Alfred Hitchcock.

You see, the only way I get excited is when birds appear.

I'm looking at you from behind the window.

Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run.

You don't like me, do you? That's precisely why I must make love to you

sanitarily.

Look at me.

Look at me. What do you have to say for yourself?

So, Mr. Anderson, can you explain this two -year gap in your work history?

I wish I could. I was drunk and living with a bullfighter in Mexico.

No, no, Eugene.

In an interview, you're supposed to accentuate the positive instead of the

negative. So you weren't a drunk living with a bullfighter in Mexico. You were

bending over backwards to open up relations down south.

You weren't drunk living with a bullfighter in Mexico.

You were with me last Saturday.

Now,

give me another negative about yourself.

Well, I watch soaps while I make long -distance phone calls on the company

No, so you, my friend, are a multitasker.

Excuse me. Oh, you know what? I once ran over someone and kept on going.

No, no, no. You don't let obstacles get in your way. Now get out of here.

Cary Employment Agency.

Oh!

Cary... Cary must be on line one. Cary Employment Agency.

Oh, yeah. I'm needed like that Wilson guy.

Oh, good.

Yeah, I can get you another couple people.

Easy. Well, thank you very much.

How about that?

That is five people I've placed in jobs today. That's five lives I've changed.

You know, I just don't feel good.

I feel Oprah good.

I wish I loved my job as much as you love yours. I thought you liked being a

delivery guy.

Oh, no. You know, the dogs are always biting me. The boxes are breaking my

And you know that woman who always comes to the door naked?

Yeah. All that mail -order meat going right to her ass.

I made her up.

I tell you, it's no great thing being a janitor at Drug Co. A monkey could do my

job. No, don't say that.

No, seriously, they're grooming a monkey to do my job.

They even named him Louis so he can use my overalls.

Well, you guys have been held those jobs forever.

That's really surprising to me.

Hey, you know what?

That call was about a couple of jobs I think you guys are perfect for. Yeah,

ever hear of that restaurant chain called Shenanigans?

No, I've been to Hijinx, but I don't know Shenanigans.

It's the same place, they just changed their theme.

Yeah, anyway, they're looking for two undercover customers.

Yeah, what you do is you go in and you order a beer and a meal and then you

report on the service.

Whoa, I'd love a job like that where you just sit around eating and drinking

beer. Count me in. Hey, look at me, I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm a workaholic.

I'm an accident waiting to happen.

All right, I'm an alcoholic.

How about you, Lewis?

How about you, Lewis? You know, if I recommend you for this job, you're as

as in.

Sounds good to me. I'm ready to get out of drug co.

Tell you, those monkey revolts are getting fiercer and fiercer.

You know, it's a young man's game.

See this?

I hesitated.

See this?

That Mimi is wild.

Oh,

thank you. It's so nice of you to take me out to dinner while my hubby's out of

town, Mr. Wick. Oh, not at all, Mimi. It's the least I can do.

Oh, dear.

I've seemed to have come away without my bill filled. I wonder if you'd be so

kind to pick up this one.

Hey, a lady never pays.

A lady also never shaves her armpits in the car on the way over.

Clean the ashtray out afterwards.

Oh, that's right. You're a European. You like them with big gobs of hair

dangling under their arms. Well, you're an American. I'll bust her.

Okay, I'll pay for this one, but then you'll owe me.

Wait a minute. If we drink at work, what are we going to do on our time off?

Not a problem.

I'm at work.

I'm taking a break.

I'm at work.

I'm taking a break.

Hi, guys.

Hey. Hey, I'm afraid I got some bad news. I thought there was two openings,

there's only one opening down at Shenanigans. What?

What are we going to do now? We both quit our jobs.

What? What'd you do that for? Why'd you do that?

Because a good former friend of mine said, and I quote, you're as good as in.

As good as. I said as good as. That doesn't mean you're in. Well, now we're

good as screwed.

No, yeah, you're screwed.

I mean, you just have to get your jobs back. That's all. I can't. I painted I

quit on my butt and hopped backwards into my boss's office.

I never got back a drug car. I really opened up the gates to hell down there.

Oh, what'd you do?

I told you, I opened up the gates to hell.

I'm a janitor. I got a key for everything.

Hello,

boys.

I think it's time to play a game of emotional prop.

Lewis and Oswald, I want you to tell Drew how mad you are at him, and Drew, I

want you to beg their forgiveness.

However, whoever holds the pennant is paranoid, whoever holds the trophy is

foghorn leghorn, and whoever holds the ketchup is turning into a werewolf.

Why don't you forgive me? I would do anything if you...

What's wrong with you? I say, I say, I say, I don't know the boy anymore. I

don't know the boy anymore. What are you doing?

You gotta see, you gotta forgive me, boy.

I've been trying, I've been trying to ask you to forgive us all this time.

Hey, you know what? I don't know what to do because I can only offer the job to

one of you guys. Well, if you don't pick me, I'm not going to be your friend

anymore. Yeah, and if you pick him, I'm not going to be your friend anymore.

Pants.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Excuse me, Drew.

This just came in from ABC News.

Oh, wow. Oh, my God. I'm sorry to interrupt the show. Looks like all the

from Florida have been counted. Looks like Al Gore is going to be declared the

winner of the election. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Al Gore is the

president -elect.

Uh -oh. Wait a second.

This is incredible.

After counting the overseas absentee ballots, George W. Bush is now the

president. He's been declared the winner of the... Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

Amazing. This is absolutely amazing. It now appears, ladies and gentlemen, that

I've just been screwing with you. I don't know a damn thing.

So, did you make up your mind yet?

Who are you going to give the job to, Oswald Lewis?

Oh, man, I don't know. Whoever I pick, one of them is going to be mad at me.

I'd pick Lewis.

I wouldn't want him to be mad at me.

Remember the time he came out of Silence of the Lambs saying, now there's a guy

who did something with his life?

Remember the time he came out of Silence of the Lambs saying, you know, with a

nice tie, a skin suit would be fantastic?

Remember when he came out of Silence of the Lambs saying, Hannibal's mask was

just like the mask my mother made me?

Hire Oswald.

Hey. Hey, Drew.

So, did you make up your mind, or should I say did you decide which one of your

friends you wanted to keep? Hey, back off.

Drew doesn't need any more pressure.

What he needs is this really cool gift I bought him. Oh.

I know how much you like baseball.

Wow.

What's this?

It's Babe Ruth's skull.

Hey, where's all the whores and the hot dogs?

Yeah, wait a minute.

How do we really know this is Babe Ruth's skull?

Must be. He signed it himself right here.

Nice try, Lewis.

Thanks for nothing, Grandpa.

Boy, Drew, when you finish a meal, you finish a meal.

Drew, forget it.

Forget about the gift there. You should give the job to the person who's most

qualified. No, to the person that you like the most. No, to the one who's

dancing.

You know, the only fair thing to do is to see which one of you

guys can actually do the job. Why don't you just go down to Shenanigans and have

a tryout? That's a good idea. What do you guys think about that? That's a

good idea.

Hello, Wilbur.

I also got a gift for Drew. I want you to all open the box and come up with an

explanation for what it is.

It's Jimmy Durante, this guy.

You know what? You guys need to stop ordering your sex toys over the

Oh, you can see my colostomy.

I think it's a ding.

that feedback. It's karaoke time.

Oh, lovely singing.

We'll be peaches and herb. I'll be peaches.

Okay.

Hey.

Excuse me. We're next.

I don't think so. Hold on. Hold on. I know a way you can all sing together.

a game called the Irish drinking song.

And I want you to sing a song about alternative uses for Martha Stewart.

Oh, you'll put her in.

She's popular in Mexico.

She's popular in gay bars.

Thanks a lot, Mimi.

She's popular wherever.

I really like her a lot.

You should have tried getting it from Dwayne. Martha is so hot. Oh, dee -die,

dee -die, dee -die, dee -die, dee -die, dee -die. Hey!

Wayne. Wayne.

Well, the manager from Shenanigans is in here, so we might as well get going and

do the tryout. But they're worried about employee honesty, so why don't you go

around so you can find any of the employees here to bend the rules for you

little bit. Okay.

Time to go undercover.

Excuse me.

I come from Germany, you know, the home of Strudel and Oompapa's bondage.

You know, I have this $100 bill. I wonder if you could give me some change.

Remember, I am foreign, and I do not understand your currency.

Okay. My family's from Germany.

Where are you from?

Actually, I am from a small town in France, named Germany. Oh, I went to

in France.

But it's funny, I don't know German at all.

You know what?

You look familiar. Where'd you go to high school?

Winkliff High.

So did I.

Hey, how about giving an old high school buddy a free drink? I won't tell the

boss. Can't do that.

All right, look. I didn't want to play this card, but I'm your father.

Get that. He has medicine.

Hey, no cash, no drink.

You're still not too big to take across my knee, mister.

The pink guy breastfed you for a year.

So, what do you think?

I think you two ought to be sterilized. Oh, come on.

Give us another chance.

All right, well, they're worried about the waitresses and their attitudes. Why

don't you find a waitress here and be rude to her and see what she does.

Oh, boy, it looks like you got a real bastard on your hands, don't you, lady,

huh? What will you do? What will you do, huh?

Some people, huh?

Oh, oh, oh.

She almost lost it again.

There you go. Now you're set.

How does it feel to be the meat in a bastard sandwich, huh?

I'm so sorry, miss.

But look, look. See that hidden camera over there? You're on when idiots

I can't believe you guys. That was terrible. I can't recommend you guys for

job now. I'd ruin my reputation. I'd be out of business in a day.

What are we going to do? We haven't got jobs because of you.

Yeah, some friend you are.

Oh, I'll tell you what. I'll make it up to you guys. Why don't you work for me?

You can both be my vice president.

What's the pay? Nothing to start with, but I can double it later on.

Triple it. Deal. All right.

Now I've got to find a real job. I wish I hadn't paid it. I quit on my butt,

hopped backwards down the hall, and took a left into my boss's office. And wait

a minute.

If I hopped backwards down the hall, I should have taken a right.

I went into blind Janet's office.

That was her seeing -eye dog that was licking my butt.

You're so stupid, you can't even quit.

Oh, yeah? Who's stupid? I'm going back to work where there's a butt -licking

dog.

What about me, Drew?

Who's going to lick my butt? I'm sorry, Lewis. I'll get your job back someday. I

don't care how long it takes.

Well, it better not take longer than 60 seconds, or you'll be doing it on Spin

City. Follow me to Lewis's boss's office. Watch for the prize.

Oh, and, uh, the rest of you.

I want you to sing a verse about if dogs ruled the world.

Oh, dee -die, dee -die, dee -die, dee -die, dee -die, dee -die. If the dog was

king of the world. He would have a bone.

And he would stay at home all alone.

He'd play with the girl dogs. He'd sniff their little bottoms.

And when they'd come around him.

Because they've got them.

Yes. We'll keep cranking up those Leno clones simultaneously.

Yes. I want to be able to play every comedy club in America at the same time.

That's right.

Oh. Yes.

And bring me the head of that carrot town.

All right, you two. I want you to persuade Lewis's boss to give him his

back. Only, Lewis, you're a pirate interior decorator.

And, Drew, you're...

Jay Leno.

Gee, I wish you'd give me my... Gee, I wish you'd give me my job back.

The hell are you doing?

Look, I just want Lewis to get his job back, so I... Yeah, that's all I want.

Why should I give him his job back?

Arr, I'll decorate the whole place in feathers.

How would you feel about that?

You want to hear him again?

No!

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You know what they say about guys with big chins.

Welcome back to the show. Before we end the show tonight, I want to thank all

the gang from Whose Line Is It Anyway for helping us out tonight. Thanks a

everybody.

And I want you two to enjoy your dinner and tell a story in the conducted story

style as a Southern Baptist preacher. But whoever's talking is the person that

I'm squirting the gun at. So get started.