Original subtitles

Gary, I have to say, it's very unanimous of you to invite me to your card game

after I fired you.

Oh, it's just a friendly game of poker.

Now, why don't we just open the betting? All right, I'm in for a dollar.

All right, I'll see your dollar and raise you... Drew's job!

You idiot.

You're supposed to wait till he's tired and distracted by Kate's breath.

You might as well put him away.

and only wants to see him now.

I can't put him away. I taped him up like this.

So, your little plan failed.

Well, I'm up five dollars and I'm having the last mini baby pizza bagel.

Don't play with the devil unless you want to get burned.

Damn this unholy marriage of Jewish and Italian cuisines.

on snack food.

Oh, this is great. I'm going to get my job back. I'm sick of sitting home all

day and watching game shows.

Someone come on down and kill me.

Hey.

Don't go out too late for the game.

Oh, my God. You're wearing the lard they sucked out of Roseanne.

It's called the empathy belly, and I wear it so I can understand what Mimi's

going through with her pregnancy.

Or just watch the animal planet.

Got milk?

Cut it out. I came to play cards.

Forget it, Mimi. The game's over.

Maybe you'll change your mind when you see my wife.

That's money, you idiots.

Are those all 20s? Yep.

Did you really have many underwear?

No.

Then you can play.

Not wearing any underwear.

my bet.

You're down to your last three bucks.

I'll put in a twenty.

All right.

I'll put in my three dollars and raise you my dog.

I don't take dogs.

You're out.

What do you got, shoestring?

Let's see.

Am I in or am I out?

palm in the money.

What money?

Okay,

I see your knife, and I fold.

Okay, Mimi, it's just you and me.

I see your 20, and I raise you 20.

So, princess came to play.

Well, how do you feel about raising the table stakes?

Raise them as high as you want. It's a friendly game.

How about 50 bucks? How about 100?

200? 300?

400? 500? 600? Let's cut the baby talk. $5 ,000.

Really? Oh, don't worry.

We got your crazy Uncle Cecil's inheritance money. Besides, I just want

this. I got to pee so bad, I got a perfect storm brewing down there.

I don't know, Mimi.

That's a lot of money that I'm going to enjoy taking from you. I'm in.

Kate, are you crazy? You can't compete with other... So,

you got a hand that'll make a pig wheeze.

But I don't see the five grand.

I will put up my share of Buzz beer. That's worth at least $5 ,000.

Willing to put that in writing?

Uh -huh.

I, Kate O 'Brien, stake my share of buzz beer to Mimi Bobak Carey.

Oh, Mimi, I don't think this is a good idea.

Don't worry, Lady Luck's hanging out with me tonight.

Yeah, good -looking chicks always bring an ugly friend.

What do you got, Queen of Tarts?

Read them and weep.

Four cakes.

Oh, that's a good hand.

Almost as good as this.

Oh, a straight flush.

This is what Kate must look like during sex.

Steve, why don't you count up the money while I hit the can?

Do you have to hit it? Aren't you punishing it enough?

Honey pig, first I'm at your work, then I marry into your family, and now I'm in

your business.

Well, I believe the appropriate word would be booyah!

Do you love your wife?

Yes, of course.

Okay, I respect that.

But an hour after your funeral, she's dead.

I know.

Tom's Pub.

It's Patrick Cruz.

please.

And the most whipped man in America is Steve Carey.

Neither of you losers are man enough to wear this belly for one day.

Oh, yeah?

Bet we can wear it longer than you can.

Hurry, you're on.

All right.

But if we win, you have to name your kid after us.

Oswald.

Oswald Lewis.

Lawswald.

You two have to legally change your names to, uh, Boob One and Boob Two.

You can't be serious.

Stibs on Boob One.

Hey,

dude. Okay, we're all here. Let's start the buzz beer meeting.

Mimi, what are you... You're not taking this bet seriously.

Hey, my lawyer said it's legally binding, so deal with it. We're

All right, you can stay.

Well, but Budweiser doesn't have the Clydesdale sit -in at export meetings.

Let's get down to business.

Okay, Drew, Lewis and I have a brilliant idea for a new promotion. You're gonna

love it. Okay, the floor recognizes Oswald and Lewis, as long as it doesn't

involve UFOs or Bigfoot.

Jeez, I can't believe what you just did to them.

Look it, they don't even believe in themselves anymore.

And I think that's a shame, because I think they have...

their idea.

Go ahead, son.

How about a beer bottle you can eat?

I'm recycling.

Some drug co -chemist buddies of mine help me with the prototype, okay? We're,

you know, always doing stuff for each other. I let them clip off three feet of

my large intestines for research. They taught me how to mold sugar water.

Yeah, and how much does one of these bottles cost?

$200.

What do you think, Mimi? $1 ,200 for a six -pack? I can see the ad now.

Just the thing for the alcoholic who's a rich dumbass.

I like your idea.

But if you'll just let me tweak it a bit.

We sell the beer not in bottles, but in mugs with twist -off tops.

And then each customer would get to keep one and use it over and over again, and

it would have the Buzzbeer logo on it.

But is it edible?

All right, who votes for Lewis and Oswald's mug idea? All in favor?

Yay!

Now let's vote for a new president.

Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody's voting on a new president. Don't you see

what she's doing?

She's just manipulating you guys so you'll side with her.

Is that true, Mimi?

No, sweetie.

I side with Mimi. Me too.

She just tricked you.

You're too smart for this.

You're too smart, wise, handsome, and... Oh, I can't go through with this. You

are idiots!

And you know what I'm saying? Maybe I can translate it for you.

Is he going to translate it or not?

I couldn't help but notice we have the same size breasts.

Yeah, and I bet we have the same size penis, too.

but I'm up for a little missionary impossible.

There's no way we'd go out with you guys. You look ridiculous.

If we took these suits off, what's the odds you'd sleep with us? A million to

one.

We're going to keep taking things off until you say stop.

Get the first check for all the mug sales.

Look around you, pig. The promotion's a big hit.

Yeah, sure, but do we really want to reno for such a shoddy product?

It's useless in a bar fight.

Will the new treasurer kindly record this $2 ,500 check in our plus column?

It would be my pleasure.

Isn't it interesting what's happened to Buzz Beer?

Before Mimi, miserable failure.

And after Mimi, incredible success.

What's the difference?

Me. Come on, say it. Say my name. Say it the way your brother screamed it into

the back of my head last night.

Come on, I need something to slip my throat with.

What the hell?

It's $2 ,000, Miss T. What are you talking about?

Well, the numbers don't add up. There's more in the books than there is in the

lunchbox. We're missing $2 ,000.

Well, there has to be some sort of mistake. Let me take a look at the

I can give them to somebody who might know what they mean. Here you go, Joe.

You know, he's right. There is $2 ,000 missing.

Missing? How about stolen?

Somebody here's a criminal.

All right.

All right. I admit it. I killed him.

He'll never catch me.

By the time the cops get here, I'll be in Mexico.

I'm in Canada.

Tell me, I checked it three times. The money's gone.

Hey, let's remain calm and rational and examine the facts here, okay? We don't

need to point fingers at anyone.

Two took it.

Because he ran his crummy life into the ground, he's got no job and a woman who

doesn't love him.

loves me. No, she loves that two grand bulge in your pants. That's what she

loves.

I'm not a thief. I never stole anything in my life.

Relax, Drew. I know you didn't take it.

I just accused you so I could see how relieved a real thief would look.

Isn't that right, Mimi?

What? You heard me, and so did your baby. If that is your baby, maybe you

it, too.

Why would I take the money? You all saw how much cash I had at the poker game.

You know,

I've been suspiciously quiet.

Maybe I'm the brains behind the whole operation.

Come on, we all know Drew's the one.

According to the bylaws, we can have him kicked out for being a thief.

Don't you see what she's doing?

Mimi took the money, and now she's trying to frame me.

Once I'm gone, she can get rid of you two, and she'll have buzz beer all to

herself. Hey, you know what? Maybe Drew's got a point here.

We never had money missing until Mimi joined the company.

Sorry I turned on you, buddy. I take it all back. Except I still don't think

Kate loves you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. This isn't getting us anywhere. Why don't we just

do what we did in kindergarten when somebody stole something?

Blame the kid who didn't speak English?

Good old Sam Salon. I'll never forget that confused look in his eye every time

they hauled him off for a beating.

No, no, no, no, no. We put the lunchbox back into the garage, and whoever stole

the money can put the money back early in the morning. No questions asked. We

never bring it up again.

Fine. Okay. Okay. All right.

Hey, whatever happened to Sam Salon?

From what I heard, they expelled him for writing Oswald and Louis Rue on the

principles. Oh,

good time. Good time.

was disconnected.

Yeah, it's a little misunderstanding between me and the phone company. They

money and I don't have any.

Inspector, look. It's tweeted between two slices of bread.

I'm despicable.

If it'll make you feel any better, later you can open my kitty cat.

Is there money in it?

Is everything okay?

No.

Someone stole $2 ,000 from Buzz Beer.

Oh, my God. Who do you think it was?

Well, whoever it is, they had to have access to the money and had big money

problems of their own.

Your license went out and you're sitting in the dark counting pennies.

Is there anything that you want to tell me?

No.

You know, I have ways of making you talk.

No one can resist the tickle monster. No, no, no.

Okay, I'll take the money. I'll take the money.

Drew, you stole from your friends?

I was just borrowing it until I got a job.

No one checks the books but me. I was going to put it all back for anyone

noticed. I just took a little bit here and there. I always put an IOU in this

little cookie jar every time I do something.

Might be close to $2 ,000.

Drew, I'm working now. I have a lot saved up. Why don't you just come to me

the money?

No, I can't do that.

I'm the rock.

I'm the one everyone else counts on.

You guys have troubles, and I, the rock, help solve them.

You should be wearing a superhero costume when you say that.

Don't mock the rock!

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

All I have is these stupid pennies. I want to put the money back, but I can't.

I guess I'll just have to tell Oswald the noise of truth and, you know, if

never talk to me again, that's how it goes.

I'm sorry. I feel so bad for you.

Yeah, well, time I stood up and did the right thing.

Mr. Carey.

It's Lester, your paper boy.

Get down to the ground.

I really need to collect my money.

I know you're... not in Europe.

When are we going to stop playing this game, Mr. Carey?

Control, just let me pay him. I told you, the rock doesn't need your help.

I can see something moving on the floor.

Hey,

saw you

guys out here, you probably...

I think you know someone.

You know, I'm so sorry.

Oh, yeah?

I'm not as sorry as she's going to be.

Uh,

what's going on?

I set a trap for you, but I caught O 'Brien putting the money back.

Turns out she's the thief.

She's not the thief. Get her out of that thing.

Sorry. Fly.

Where'd you get that?

Drew's brother has a certain peccadillo.

He likes to be restrained while we make love.

I'd say he has to be.

What do you have to say for yourself, O 'Brien?

Ow!

She won't talk. Every time I take the tape off, she just screams.

Look, I took it. She was just trying to cover for me. I was going to put it

back. It was a horrible thing to do, and I'm sorry.

Drew, I gotta say, that took a lot of courage.

Yeah. Not a lot of guys would take a fall for their girlfriend like that,

especially when he doesn't love them.

No, I'm telling you. I'm telling you the truth. Kate, tell him.

Ow!

Drew did it. I just was putting the money back so you wouldn't be mad at

Oh, enough of this crap. Let's wheel her into the lake. No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, listen, listen, listen.

Uh, okay.

I give up. You're right, you're right.

Kate did it.

Okay, fine. She did it, but look at her.

Her boobs are sagging.

Alcohol has taken its toll on her looks.

How the hell are you going with this?

The point is, look how pathetic she is.

She doesn't need any more punishment.

Yeah, well, we did say if the person returned the money, we'd forgive and

forget. Yeah. Oh,

well.

Let's go divvy up that money.

Ah, what the hell. One for the road.

Putting that money back was the sweetest thing anybody's ever done for me. I

love you so much.

I love you so much, too.

Why don't you just unlock me now?

Because you're going to hurt me.

No, I'm not.

But I said your boobs were sagging and your looks were fading.

And you just said it again, didn't you?

Aha! I've got you now, Mr. Carey. I want my money.

So did the lady from the cable company. Run, Lester, run.

More brie?

Oh, yes, I'd love some.

Magnifique.

You know, I love our quiet time before Drew gets here.

sale at the grocery store.

Bologna logs. Oh, I can't wait to pinch one of those.