Original subtitles

Taters, corn,

meats.

Taters, corn, meats.

Can I have some more tater tots?

No, no.

See, this is where it starts.

Go to the gym, get some contacts, let your hair grow out for God's sakes.

Please, mister, tater tots are all I have.

All right.

I'll make the pain go away.

Give me some advice.

Don't join the chess club. Don't wear your Spock ears to school.

And don't count out fat chicks.

They do some crazy things.

Oh, man, look at you.

As bad as Winford Lauder was, at least they never made you wear a hairnet.

I like it. Did you get here in your low ride?

Oh, man, I wish I could help you out, Drew, but Global Parcel just

isn't hiring.

You know, there is a job at Drugco, but I don't think you'd want it.

Lewis, I'll take anything. I'm desperate. I'm starting to make menu

recipes. Damn it, I'm starting to care.

Well, they're testing this drug that allows men to have children.

What do we got to do?

Let them scoop out your liver, put in a rat fetus, see what happens.

Eight bucks an hour.

Nah.

Drew, what's going on? You're not wearing your horns.

Come on, Otis. It's spirit week. We all have to wear the fighting ram horns.

or a rat who needs a mommy.

No, this will have to do until I figure out a way to get my own job back.

All right, well, look, at least take this little gift we brought you for your

lunch hour.

I can't drink beer on school grounds.

What's the matter, scared?

I'll show you scared, dude.

Harry,

what are you doing? Is that a beer?

Yeah, I don't know. I confiscated it for some kids in the meat locker.

Oh, yeah, it's beer, all right.

I don't like you anyway.

You use words I don't understand.

You do do that sometimes, Jim.

Oh, yeah? Well, how are these words for you? I quit. Do you understand that, or

should I explanificate it to you?

I'm sick of this job anyway.

Metalheads peeing on my car, always having to take a different way home

of Travis and his punks.

Okay, listen up, everybody.

I said it at graduation, I said it at traffic school, and I'm saying it now.

Cleveland Rocks. Cleveland Rocks. Living in sin where the safety pin goes.

What do you use? You got a minute?

Don't leave me alone. I'm only here to see Mr. Wickerbucket my job back.

Okay.

Well, if you stepped out, you'll probably be back in a couple of minutes.

If you just want to make yourself comfortable.

All right, what do you got?

Okay!

This is from Christmas of 1998.

Remember how cold it was?

Yeah.

Oh. How cold was it?

It was so cold we thought a homeless family had moved into your ass.

But it's just your ass.

Oh, that's some big ass.

Hey, Mr. Wick, can I talk to you a second? It's about getting my job back.

now, Carrie. I have to introduce the office to the new assistant head of

personnel. Everyone, say hello to Drew's replacement, Mr.

Yogurt.

What? You can't replace me with frozen yogurt.

I did a good job here.

I made a difference in people's lives.

It's not a treat if you have it every day.

Neither are you.

Listen, Mr. Wick, I figured out a way to switch health plans, save $50 ,000 a

year, but we can give the employees better coverage.

Yes, I can see a lot of good in your plan, but there's one thing I can't see.

Crumbly little bits of heath bar.

Thank goodness Kate told me you might be here. What's up? I have some bad news.

Uncle Cecil died.

Oh, no.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

He was such a sweet guy.

Man, was he ever a movie fan.

He had no kids of his own, so he always had us over to watch movies in his

screening room.

Oh, he had a screening room? Yeah, he went out of his way to make it really

realistic. He even gouged us at the snack bar.

I miss that rich old guy.

You know, it's at times like this that I can't help but wonder how rich was he.

It doesn't matter what he leaves us.

We'd rather have him back.

Man, what a day.

Uncle dies from a place -by -machine.

This could be the worst day I... Ah, it's not bad.

I forgot what a big movie fan your uncle was. Look at all these cool props.

Wow.

This looks like the Ark of the Covenant from Raiders.

girl and got hooked on pills. These shoes are killing me.

Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Mr. Grayson, Cecil's attorney and the

his will. Please sit down.

As we all know, The Departed was an avid movie buff, so this is a rather unusual

will.

Uncle Cecil has died hard.

Crap, he's died already.

I hate coming in late.

I don't even know who that guy is.

Excuse me, I think you'll all want to hear this.

I, Cecil Barnes, bequeath the bulk of my $10 million estate to the one person

who brought me the most joy, Mr. Bill Gates.

I say thank you, sir, for the computer.

If you just have a new baby, maybe you can use this money to wipe its ass.

The remainder of my estate will be divided among my relatives, providing

can each pass the difficult test I've selected for them.

To my nephew, Steve.

To Steve, I bequeath $10 ,000.

However, as in Victor Victoria, you must dress like a man.

Pretending to be a woman, pretending to be a man.

So he can just wear this?

Yeah, I guess so. He didn't really think that one out. Here's a check.

And to my nephew's friends, little Louis Koniski and Oswald Harvey.

For all the times we watched Chaplin's silent movies together, I bequeath to

each $5 ,000.

If you can both stay silent for 24 hours, starting now.

Piece of cake.

Idiot.

Now to my nephew, Drew, who I

worry will die alone.

Damn straight.

I'll bequeath $10 ,000 if you get married.

Oh, that's easy. We're already engaged.

However, as in the Buster Keaton classic, seven chances, you have to

within 72 hours.

That's three days. I don't think I can put a wedding together in three days.

I'm not ready for this.

I can't lose 10 pounds in 72 hours.

Then again, get paid 10 grand to marry the girl of my dreams. That sounds kind

of fun. So what if we have to rush it? We're in love.

You're right.

I do love money.

And you.

Let's do it. Let's get married. Hey, guys, we're going to get married. Oh,

congratulations. That's wonderful.

And now, for all you fans of the film Weekend at Bernie's, throughout this

entire reading, your uncle has been sitting in this room.

Where?

Yeah,

I

know it's short notice, but I... Yeah.

I understand.

Thanks.

I don't know where we're going to have this wedding.

Every hotel in our price range booked. Even the bowling alley's out.

Hey, don't rush. We can still make it beautiful.

I already called Hickory Farms.

Drew, this just doesn't feel right. And my mom's still on that stupid cruise. I

mean, who's going to be there to say, wow, sometimes they do buy the cow?

I guess you're right. I mean, it is kind of rushed. I'm just letting the money

get to my head.

Well, maybe it's just the woman in me, but why don't we just fake it?

What do you mean? Well, we could get a real license to fool the lawyer and then

just hire some guy to pretend to marry us so it's not really legal.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

You're like an evil Lucy.

And you're like a less masculine Ethel.

Hey, we're here to check the temperature of your beer.

I mean, what are you going to do about Oswald and Lewis?

Here, tell them it's going to be the four of us, it's going to be a small

wedding, nobody else involved, and they're going to be witnesses.

You can't tell them anything else. They can't keep a secret.

I know, especially Lewis, Mr. I -Wet -Dream -of -Genie.

Well, this beer appears to be the right temperature, but we can't publish our

results until we've tested a larger supply.

Listen, I'm glad you guys are here. We want you guys to be witnesses at the

wedding. Yeah.

But it's just going to be the four of us because we want to keep it nice and

small. Yeah. All right? Oh, sure.

Oswald?

Oh, he's still mad about losing the money, so he bet me 20 bucks he could

do it for 24 hours.

He's been silent for eight now. Nine.

Ah.

Okay, Ray. We'll count to 90. This is it, huh? Now, after we say the vows,

are you going to say?

I now pronounce you naughty and nice.

Ho, ho, ho.

Great. Out of all the store Santas, you had to hire the alcoholic one?

They're all alcoholics.

Okay, let's get the wedding started, Eric.

Wait a minute, you look familiar.

Maybe you were at a wedding he performed.

No, it was the holidays and I was drunk.

Something about a laugh.

You didn't used to dance under the name Brandy, did you?

I don't know. There's a lot of things I don't remember.

You said there'd be no questions.

Okay, Mr. Justice of the Peace, let's get going.

Wait, wait. Before you get married, we want to give you our wedding gift. I

you, no gifts.

Well, I think the words you're looking for are, thank you, Oswald and Lewis,

flying my parents in, arranging this wedding, and making this the most

day I'll ever have.

Yeah, and thank you, Oswald, for putting up with Lewis through all of this. He

has been a bitch on wheels. Okay,

I know. This is all because I said matching cummerbunds would make us look

right?

I'm so tired of doing this.

Hey, bro, remember the time when we were kids and I had to talk you out of

marrying the dog?

Yeah, sorry I couldn't be there for you.

There's my little man.

I thought you were too sick to travel. You missed Uncle Cecil's funeral and

everything. Well, the doctor said I shouldn't travel, but nothing was going

keep me from my baby's wedding.

So, if you see me bleeding from my eyes, those are just bloody tears of joy.

Now, listen, you kids, to honor you getting hitched, we got you each a

but you have to open it right now.

Oh, look, honey, it's from the Republic of Tuxes. I wonder what it is. Oh, look,

it's a tux. You know, I'm sure it's beautiful. I can't accept it. Oh, don't

worry about it, honey. I wore white when I got married, and I wasn't exactly

fresh out of the package.

Now, you kids wait right here. There's somebody we want you to meet.

Drew, our little wedding scam is completely out of control.

Don't worry.

We still get the fake justice of the peace, and all this stuff is just going

make it look a lot more realistic for the lawyer.

Drew!

You remember Reverend Hill?

He married your mother and me. We brought him along to marry you two.

Well, that's... The thing is, he hates it about Catholic.

And if we have a Protestant minister marry us, then our son can never grow up

run for Pope.

You and your Vatican voodoo.

Now, let's take you upstairs. This dress isn't going to put itself on.

All right.

Now, listen, son, before you get dressed, I want to give you the benefits

45 years of marriage.

Be a good listener.

Never go to bed angry.

And don't bother looking for the G spot.

It's like Brigadoon, you know.

Actually, Dad, it's a highly sensitive group of nerves at the base of the pubic

bone. Good luck.

That's it. I remember now.

I asked you for a trampoline.

Now, why would I ask you for a trampoline? I don't know.

People do a lot of crazy things.

You a trampoline salesman?

You keep digging.

You just might dig your own grave.

What's going on? Well, I just remembered I asked this guy for a trampoline and

he wouldn't give me one. That's right. I'm not giving you a trampoline.

And I'm not giving you a spaceship.

Santa! Hey,

Katie, you in there?

Yeah, just a sec. I'm patting my boobs.

Your mom must think I'm stacked.

Okay, I'm ready.

Oh, my God.

What?

Nothing, just that I'm in love with the most beautiful woman in the world,

that's all.

Hey, Kate, will you marry me for real?

I mean, like right now, with the real minister?

Well, I do have the beautiful dress on.

I guess I should marry somebody.

Might as well be the sweetest guy in the world.

Oh.

Oh. It's going to be so great. We don't have to lie anymore.

I know. I just wish my mom was here.

I mean, she's never going to let me forget that I got married without her.

Well, we'll just have another ceremony. Renew our vows.

Well, that sounds like a pain in the ass.

tell her she was drunk out of her mind and she had a great time.

We'll also tell her that when she was drunk, she took a swing at me, missed,

broke my big screen TV, and now she owes me another one.

Yeah, but you don't have a... Ethel, I love you.

You don't have a band, so...

finally figured out who Ray is.

They broke me, Drew.

They played weird cop, dumb cop until I couldn't take it anymore.

Is that what we were doing?

Stop it!

I'm sorry I let you down, Drew, but I want my hundred bucks.

You don't want to owe me money.

Okay, listen, everybody.

I can explain.

What's to explain?

You lied to your best friends.

And then he didn't tell us the truth.

You are fat news in shoes, mister.

I am so happy.

Now your family hates you as much as I do.

Wait, don't go. It started out as a lie, but we really want to get married now.

Thank you for making us fly 3 ,000 miles just to break our hearts.

Every time you disappoint me.

You are a sad, sad man, and I will never again believe a single word you say.

You guys didn't bring all those presents.

Enough lies, Drew.

Oh, time's up.

Guess we're out ten grand, huh?

Well, why don't we see what the will says?

Even if Drew doesn't get married in time, he can still have the money if he

sing the theme song from Out of Africa.

You're kidding.

Africa!

I'm out of Africa!

It's good to be out, but I miss the lion's enter Africa!

It was a trick question, Mr. Carey. There are no lyrics.

You know, you're really starting to get on my nerves.

You have this law on it. Get out of my house.

Two hours?

Then take your time.

This was not a good day.

Not a good day?

Yeah, I'm out ten grand. My friends hate me. My family hates me. Mimi likes me.

The only good thing was that your stupid drunk mother didn't show up to make

things even worse.

Oh, George.

I think someone took his pill tonight.

Now, this one's all me.

George, lure, George.

No, no, left.

No, no, left.