Original subtitles

Okay, I'm ready. All right. Scary tape for Halloween, take 12.

Three, two... What?

Scary tape for Halloween, take 13.

No! No!

No!

Who stole my golden heart?

I don't know. Is that scary enough? I don't know.

I think we need more of a girly scream.

My hand!

Guys,

we have some big news to tell you. Oh, yeah.

Kate and I are engaged.

I bet we weren't rolling tape.

Well, I hope you got down on your knees for this. Of course I did.

I wasn't talking to you.

If you guys will excuse us, Kate and I are going to go celebrate. You know,

the two of us.

Yeah, I think someone's going to get him some three -quarters of a carrot sex.

Yeah, this time I get to just lie there.

Look at those two. They're really in love.

Yeah, right. There's no such thing.

It's just a learned chemical response to another person's pheromones.

We developed a spray of drug coat for it.

Guaranteed. To make someone fall in love with you.

This stuff won't work.

Why'd you do that, you idiot?

You beautiful, magnificent idiot.

Hey, it really works. I'm going to go down to the war zone, spray it in the

ladies' room, and whatever happens, happens.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Can't we just stay home and read with our feet in each other's laps?

You look so tense, baby.

All this energy calling

me Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude

It's back where it belongs All the little chicks with the crimson

So,

you think you're ready for career day, rookie?

Born yellow, meet brown. I think I got it.

Cocky bastard.

Congratulations, ladies. Lock and load.

Hi. Welcome to career day. Enjoy a complimentary fitter. Don't eat the

Hi.

Welcome to career day. Enjoy a complimentary fitter. Don't eat the

And we have our first spill.

Get your butt out there and mop that mess up, professor.

Keep riding me, Gladys. One of these days I'll be mopping up your iron for

blood.

Hey, you missed some there, sport. Thanks, I got it.

Drew?

Drew Carey, is that you?

No, no, it's not me.

Come on, Drew, it's me, Nick. We were in Future Leaders of America together.

Yes, the irony is exquisite.

Hey, Bob, Susan, look, it's Drew Carey. Where?

On the floor.

I shake your hand, but I've been touching the fritters. By the way, don't

the fritters.

What the heck are you doing here?

Oh, enough about me. What the heck are you doing here?

Well, my son's a student, so I'm talking to the kids about medicine for career

day. And I'm telling them how they can earn a living as a lawyer by suing

like this.

I'm on the Weather Channel.

So, Drew, do you have a kid who goes here? Is that why you're volunteering?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm volunteering.

That's my son over there with the brown hair.

That's my son.

When I say son, I meant it's my daughter.

That's right.

Hey, Cupcake, thanks for letting me volunteer here at your cafeteria.

Isn't there some kind of rule that you guys can't talk to us?

Just clean up the floor.

Okay, I don't have a kid. I work here.

Don't give me that look like I'm the special kid you're forced to take a

with me.

Carrie, get your keister and gear and clean up that mess.

We need you back on the serving line.

You hear that?

They need me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very, very important job to do.

Don't stare.

Do you remember that kid, Drew Carey, I told you all those weird stories about?

That's him.

Drew?

Bring an umbrella.

It's been arranged for...

Did you find Drew?

No, I wasn't down at the worst, huh?

His car's here, but he's not inside. I don't know where he could be.

Maybe he's not in this earth at all.

I'm really worried about Drew. I'm not in the mood for your stupid alien

abduction theory.

I'm saying he's dead.

I'm not dead.

Drew, what are you doing under there?

Susan said it might rain.

Susan?

He's hearing voices.

Susan, we'd like to speak to Drew now.

Leave me alone. I'm going to live under here until I die.

Okay, fine.

You want to live like an animal? We'll treat you like an animal.

Cut it out.

Drew, what's wrong?

I had a bad day at school today.

Sweetie, you're freezing. Come inside and let's talk it through.

All right, here's our choice. We can go down to the Warsaw where there's women,

but we have to pay for our beer.

Or we can go in there and listen to that big baby whine until our ears bleed,

but the beer is free.

Drew, what's the matter?

Drew, tell us about your day.

Drew, whatever it is, it can't be that bad.

Can't be that bad?

I'm a middle -aged cafeteria worker.

I'm on my feet all day, serving bad food to snotty kids, listening to old ladies

talk about their health problems.

You know, I saw a lot of people down there our age who are big successors

I was supposed to be one of those people.

I worked my ass off for 20 years, and for what?

Nothing. I'm a failure.

Oh, no, you're not, Drew.

Not now, Kate.

I'm sorry, it's just that you smell like meatloaf and I didn't have lunch today.

Don't even think about it.

What could have happened to me?

What did it all go so wrong?

Hey, man.

Check it out.

Check it out.

My mustache, my man.

really good right there.

Man,

you got the morgue suspenders and everything. You're going to get all the

chicks. Hey, some things are more important than chicks.

I'm running Esperanto.

Hey, que pasa?

Global deforestation. That's que pasa, Katie Hurst.

Kate, I was wondering if you have anybody to sit with at lunch. You want

out? What year are you? Senior. Okay.

Okay, don't forget to bring your homework later so I can do it for you.

I'll do his homework, too.

Well, that's it, guys. You know, my mom says high school's going to be the best

years of our lives. Can't you on the flip -flop?

Me bowl of BBB plop -foo?

See you later in Esperanto.

Guys, care.

Would you just care?

Um, excuse me, guys.

This legend on this map is unclear. I was wondering if you could direct me to

the science lab, and within the science lab, it'd be nice to get a station with

a consistent Bunsen burner, because you know if the flame's off, the experiments

could be compromised.

Get his pants.

I think we just found our new flag.

Welcome, Friday.

Hey.

Look at his boxers.

I think we just found our new flag.

I wonder why I ended up like this. My first day in high school, the football

team's using my underwear as a flag.

Jerry, you know, you can't think that one high school experience totally ruins

your life.

But if it could...

It might have been something that I did.

Oh, Drew.

Wear your glasses.

Oh, well, the football team keeps breaking them, so I was thinking I

contacts. Uh -huh. But my mom says I should get these because they don't

as easy.

I think they suck.

What do you think?

Sexy.

Really?

Uh -huh. Sure, yeah.

Well, you know, there's a Sadie Hawkins Day dance coming up, you know, where the

girls ask the guys.

What? Really? Thanks. You're cool.

Hey, ass guy, wait up.

Hey, you know, there's a Sadie Hawkins Day dance coming up, you know, where the

girls ask the guys. I was trying to give you the day off.

Why don't you just ask him for it with those glasses?

It'll be okay, sweetie.

I

am

so sorry.

If I was paying attention, I would have told you to get contact.

I mean, those glasses changed your life. They made everyone realize you were a

nerd. I mean, think you were a nerd.

Which is lucky for me because they made sure that no one else snatched you up.

So you think no other woman but you would find me attractive?

Oh, is that what you want?

Other women?

No, no, no.

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry.

All right.

Damn, she's good.

Listen, it's not Kate's fault.

Truth is, I'm to blame for Drew's life.

I poured salt on the slug of his soul and watched it bubble until it died.

And then I danced naked in the moonlight.

Oh, how I danced.

Well, how'd you do it? Oh, it's a cute story. Hey,

Lewis.

If you don't mind leaving a $2 ,000 damage for me, I know how you feel about

dolphins getting caught in the nets and everything.

Well, you can eat a panda and wash it down with the blood of a bald eagle for

all I care.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Albert Aaron Presley is dead.

What is that? Is that a beard?

Is that a beard?

We're at school grounds. I could get impeached as mayor of Safety Town just

being around this.

You are so uptight.

Just grab a little. Calm me down.

Do I really look that uptight?

Take it.

Okay, just a sip.

I don't know how it's going to react with my vitamins.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing? You're not getting small, are you?

None of your damn business.

Well, excuse me.

Great. Every clip is like a tiny hug.

Got any more of this stuff?

Oh,

I'm so sorry about your

trash can.

There must be some bad vitamins going around.

It'll be okay, sweetie.

So you see, I'm responsible for your crappy life.

You know, all your disappointments didn't look so bad because you had beer.

No. No, it can't be the drinking.

Why not?

Because I don't want it to be.

All right, I did it.

I ruined your life.

Whew, that felt good to get off my chest.

How did you ruin my life?

You just can't let me feel good for one minute, can you?

Hey, Drew.

What's happening?

My mom just finished up my application to MIT.

I spent two weeks on this essay. I think it's the best thing I've ever done.

Oh, is she sick of that zit?

Really? My mom said you could hardly see it.

I like him too, but man.

Well, excuse me.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

I can't stand to listen to you anymore.

I'm going to go get some more food.

I know. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.

Oh,

man.

You spilled on Drew's essay.

I know.

I can't read it anymore.

Oh, man, you've got to tell him he's going to mail that today.

Or...

I could write another essay myself.

Dear MIT, I would like to attend you.

I am a nice person.

Oh, jeez. Everyone at the school is like a sissy.

The guy tonight is a sacred heart wolverine.

I don't have to look at that every day.

My favorite animal is the bunny.

Because it's soft like girls.

Oh, man, Drew, I got to say, this is the best essay I ever read.

Thanks. I better go mail it. You know, I was going to apply to some backup

schools, but my guidance counselor told me this was so good I didn't have to

bother. Yeah, I like our guidance counselor. He's getting me out of summer

school and all I have to do is lift his grandma out of the bathtub every day.

I

didn't

get into MIT.

The nerds beat me up this time.

They cut me with their remarks.

It'll be okay, sweetie.

That's right, I ruined your life. I'm the reason you didn't get into MIT.

That and your sucky SAT scores.

Yeah, but what have none of you to blame? I mean, I could have applied to

schools. I didn't have to drink that beer or the thousands that came after

could have got some cooler glasses.

Yeah, all you'd have to do is go through the dead guy bin at the old folks'

home.

So why didn't you do any of those things?

I don't know.

What happened?

Nothing yet.

But I know something bad's gonna happen to me. It always does.

It'll be okay, sweetie.

Well, that's it. I always went back to Nurse Anderson every time I had a

problem.

Because I liked the attention.

Oh, my God, I'm a pity whore.

It didn't stop in high school.

Even now, when Wick and Mimi screw with me, I come running to you guys for

sympathy. Well, what are we supposed to do now? If I don't feel sorry for you,

I'm not sure I feel anything for you.

Well, don't worry, because it's all changing right now.

I am through whoring for pity.

Drew Carey is not putting out the red light anymore.

Excuse me, I'm going to run out and get a few more beers.

Woo, chilly out.

Hey, not a problem.

That was just a test.

Thank you for ignoring my pain.

The whore is grateful.

Drew? Does something matter?

Yeah. Everybody on the show hates me. They have a big party after every show.

They never tell me where it is. I never know where it is until I get the bill.

It'll be okay, sweetie.

promise? Huh?

So, uh, Drew, do you think that the nurse could be a regular character?

Well, you know, it's a flashback show. You're probably never coming back.

But I'm just, you know, I'm new at this, and it's such a tough town to break

into, and... Oh, well, it'll be okay, sweetie.