Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Drew Carey.

You know, in all the years we've been on television, we've never won an Emmy

Award. Never.

Can't even get nominated.

Nothing for acting, nothing for writing, nothing.

We thought this year would be different, but I just looked at all the shows we

did, and nope, we don't have a chance in hell this year either.

So some of the guys around here thought if we did just one special episode,

something with social importance and big, tear -jerking emotional things,

we'd have a chance, and the Emmy people would notice it just once.

Just once in our stinking, miserable lives.

But I...

No. We're not going to have our actors hamming it up just to win some stupid

award.

Drew, this homeless woman's having a baby for your consideration.

Quick, get her to the couch.

We're going to bring a life into this world.

I tried to go to the hospital, but they sent me away because I didn't have any

insurance. Don't worry. I'm a janitor.

I blow stranger things out of tighter spaces.

Lewis, we're losing her.

It's a breach.

If I save the mother, I lose the baby. And if I save the baby, I lose the

mother. I wasn't ready to play God today.

to your friends back in the alley.

Oh, my God.

How am I going to afford to raise a baby?

Now, give me all your money.

Hey, lady, don't do anything crazy.

You don't want to shoot anyone?

Except that would make a good dying scene.

an enemy for sound all

this energy calling me

back where it comes from it's such a crude

Listen, after yesterday, I'm not taking any chances.

Drew, I don't like the idea of you having guns in the house. Hey, it's my

constitutional right to have a gun.

So it's not hurting anybody. It's not even loaded.

Hey, look, now... Now it's a killing machine.

Drew, all I know is that guns lead to terrible accidents.

Hey, we're all responsible adults here. What could possibly go wrong?

ski kids who don't receive adequate supervision.

And we're on a scavenger hunt for sharp things.

Oh, there's some knives in that drawer over there.

Can't give little kids knives to play with. Am I the only one that cares about

safety around here?

Who wants a beer?

Hey,

cool, a toy gun.

Hey, hey, hey, listen.

That's a real gun. That's not a toy. You kids aren't supposed to be playing with

that.

to make sure you don't mess with it now here listen this is where i keep the toy

gun let's see how smart your kids are

which

is the real gun mister uh you kids are too young to play with guns anyway here

here's some pennies why don't you go put them on the railroad track

Oh, I'm sure it's nothing serious.

After all, we've just recently fallen in love.

Hey, Drew, isn't it time for the game to start?

No, the game doesn't start till... Hey, what about my kitchen clock?

Why do I steal?

Don't start with me today, pig. Not today.

Is that a shower curtain?

Yeah.

Where's your toilet seat hat? Are you going casual today?

Leave me alone. I had a fire in my apartment last night. Oh, gee, I'm

Steve okay?

Yeah, yeah.

But the stupid fireman wouldn't go back and he'd save my clothes.

It's horrible.

The smell of burning shag carpeting and beads and snake skin and linoleum. That

was just one dress.

Well, how'd the fire start? Did you rep a lady's shirt out on the back 40?

Missed one.

Cut it out.

In high school, I had obsessive compulsive disorder.

I guess I've been battling it all my life.

The trauma of the fire must have brought it all back.

Sorry, I didn't know that.

I always had to do things in threes.

That's how I got my reputation as a slut.

I hate to think another fire would start just because you forgot to spin around

three times, flap your arms like a chicken and say, Drew's a god.

It doesn't work that way. You can't just suggest something and then I do it.

Oh, crap, you can't.

Drew's a god!

Drew's a god!

Drew's a god!

It wasn't as chicken -y as I hoped it would be.

Meat lovers hold the sauce? Where do you put it all?

I exercise and I have a high metabolism.

Excuse me.

Something's not right there.

He couldn't have an eating disorder. That only happens to girls.

doctor's office to pick up Kate and they told me to rush her to the hospital. Oh

no, is she okay?

I don't know, but we better get down there.

doesn't beat on its own anymore.

Oh, honey.

Even when you're sick, you're beautiful.

Excuse me, Mr.

Carey? Yeah. Can I talk to you for a moment?

Is there anything wrong, doctor?

No, I just need to go over some insurance matters.

She's dying.

What? She has an extremely rare disease that atrophies the muscles of the heart.

I'm afraid it's fatal.

This is terrible.

Why?

Why?

Why?

This isn't about you, honey. We're talking about something else.

I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do now except keep her comfortable.

Who cares? She's dying anyway.

Why did I just say something so cruel?

My shielter.

Just a guard to keep people away.

Maybe I'm just afraid that they'll hate me just as much as I hate myself.

I am a toilet of sadness.

Oh, well.

At least I'm not a dying whore.

Oh, shields are back up.

I wish there was someone who could forgive me.

Well, Doc, is there anything you can do? Is there a cure?

Well, I've always thought that an unschooled layman could bring a fresh

perspective to medical science and find a cure.

If it's anywhere, it'll be in here.

Good luck.

Kate, I don't know how, but we're going to beat this thing. I'm going to find a

cure.

There's only one problem.

I can't read.

Hey, Drew, did you hear from the Emmy people yet? How are we doing?

I don't know. Let's check.

Of course, I was against this whole Emmy snubbing episode.

If anyone gets nominated from this show, it should be the one person that had

the courage to say that they thought it was a bad idea.

And that person would be me.

Craig Ferguson, the actor who plays Nigel Wick.

You'll never get an Emmy. Your character's too... cartoonish i

can't believe kate's dying yeah she

would have made a nice crazy old barfly shut up she's not gonna die

somewhere in this medical book is the cure

We could read the book and find a cure for cape, but how's that going to help

Drew to learn to read, huh?

Keep your eyes on the prize here.

So, Drew, how'd you get so far without being able to read?

Well, you know how I volunteer for Big Brothers? Mm -hmm. Well, every weekend,

instead of taking the kids hiking or camping, I bring them to my office and

them read my paperwork.

Maybe if you put half that energy into learning how to read, you wouldn't be

such an M -O -R -O -N.

That spells moron, you piece of crap.

I did it again.

I'm pushing people away.

Maybe I'm rejecting them before they can reject me.

I need to tear down the wall and show others the kindness they show me.

You okay, buddy?

I'll be okay when you're dead.

How come he keeps lashing out like that?

Maybe I've been ignoring him. I've been so wrapped up in cake dyeing and my own

illiteracy.

This is Miami device.

Have you seen my... You bastard.

I can explain. My dad's in prison and I secretly want to get caught so I can be

close to him.

Oh, buddy.

I didn't know you missed your dad that much. I only hit you once.

Well, I'm off to see the psychiatrist about my obsessive -compulsive disorder.

I'm almost cured.

And I'd just like to say to everyone that I... Well, I'm off to see the

psychiatrist about my obsessive -compulsive disorder.

I'm almost cured.

As I was saying, I realized that I had an eating disorder.

Tricia and Mandy are part of my support group.

Top of the hour.

Last of the stall is fattest of them all.

We're here for the organs. Not yet. Get out, you vultures.

But don't go far.

Drew Carey, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

And I don't know why I'm asking this, but Kate O 'Brien, do you take this man

be your lawfully wedded husband?

Where am I?

Now that she's awake, the honeymoon's not going to be quite as creepy.

and take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband.

Really, you can?

Yeah, but I'm on heavy painkillers.

Thanks a lot. You really made me feel better.

Whoa, you're a big, giant bunny.

I think you better get back to your room, little girl. You're tripping.

thing that I want to tell you.

I'm gay, gay, gay.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

No, no, it's so freeing to hear you say that.

I'm gay too.

Drew, we heard the announcement. Yeah, we just wanted to tell everyone that...

How much money do you have?

I think I got about $20 in here.

I got $10.

You got $20?

That means I got about $80.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go buy us some Golden Globes.

Well, the season's over. I guess it's time to announce the winner of the Dr.

Pepper Drew Carey April Fool's contest.

Now, since we're filming before we know who the actual winner is, I'll just use

special effects to add it in later.

Now, the technology is so good, you won't even be able to tell.

The $200 ,000 goes to... This is where we announce the winner of the Drew Ferry

April Fool's contest for the year 2000.

Bye.