Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,020 --> 00:00:02,070
Hi, I'm Drew Carey.
2
00:00:02,071 --> 00:00:04,799
You know, in all the years we've been on
television, we've never won an Emmy
3
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:05,850
Award. Never.
4
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,400
Can't even get nominated.
5
00:00:07,401 --> 00:00:10,039
Nothing for acting, nothing for writing,
nothing.
6
00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:12,199
We thought this year would be different,
but I just looked at all the shows we
7
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,270
did, and nope, we don't have a chance in
hell this year either.
8
00:00:15,271 --> 00:00:18,399
So some of the guys around here thought
if we did just one special episode,
9
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:22,219
something with social importance and
big, tear -jerking emotional things,
10
00:00:22,220 --> 00:00:25,199
we'd have a chance, and the Emmy people
would notice it just once.
11
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,780
Just once in our stinking, miserable
lives.
12
00:00:28,940 --> 00:00:29,990
But I...
13
00:00:32,039 --> 00:00:36,219
No. We're not going to have our actors
hamming it up just to win some stupid
14
00:00:36,220 --> 00:00:37,270
award.
15
00:00:37,540 --> 00:00:40,910
Drew, this homeless woman's having a
baby for your consideration.
16
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:42,880
Quick, get her to the couch.
17
00:00:42,881 --> 00:00:45,499
We're going to bring a life into this
world.
18
00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:49,979
I tried to go to the hospital, but they
sent me away because I didn't have any
19
00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:52,140
insurance. Don't worry. I'm a janitor.
20
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,370
I blow stranger things out of tighter
spaces.
21
00:00:58,460 --> 00:00:59,660
Lewis, we're losing her.
22
00:01:00,111 --> 00:01:01,919
It's a breach.
23
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:06,139
If I save the mother, I lose the baby.
And if I save the baby, I lose the
24
00:01:06,140 --> 00:01:08,860
mother. I wasn't ready to play God
today.
25
00:01:39,690 --> 00:01:41,310
to your friends back in the alley.
26
00:01:41,790 --> 00:01:42,840
Oh, my God.
27
00:01:43,090 --> 00:01:45,080
How am I going to afford to raise a
baby?
28
00:01:46,090 --> 00:01:47,730
Now, give me all your money.
29
00:01:47,731 --> 00:01:49,989
Hey, lady, don't do anything crazy.
30
00:01:49,990 --> 00:01:51,550
You don't want to shoot anyone?
31
00:01:51,810 --> 00:01:54,030
Except that would make a good dying
scene.
32
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:17,959
an enemy for sound all
33
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:24,619
this energy calling me
34
00:02:24,620 --> 00:02:29,800
back where it comes from it's such a
crude
35
00:03:21,751 --> 00:03:26,219
Listen, after yesterday, I'm not taking
any chances.
36
00:03:26,220 --> 00:03:28,959
Drew, I don't like the idea of you
having guns in the house. Hey, it's my
37
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,700
constitutional right to have a gun.
38
00:03:30,701 --> 00:03:33,759
So it's not hurting anybody. It's not
even loaded.
39
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:38,160
Hey, look, now... Now it's a killing
machine.
40
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:42,450
Drew, all I know is that guns lead to
terrible accidents.
41
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:46,190
Hey, we're all responsible adults here.
What could possibly go wrong?
42
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,970
ski kids who don't receive adequate
supervision.
43
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,580
And we're on a scavenger hunt for sharp
things.
44
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,210
Oh, there's some knives in that drawer
over there.
45
00:04:06,211 --> 00:04:10,359
Can't give little kids knives to play
with. Am I the only one that cares about
46
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:11,500
safety around here?
47
00:04:11,820 --> 00:04:12,870
Who wants a beer?
48
00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:15,430
Hey,
49
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:18,279
cool, a toy gun.
50
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:19,800
Hey, hey, hey, listen.
51
00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:22,519
That's a real gun. That's not a toy. You
kids aren't supposed to be playing with
52
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:23,570
that.
53
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:31,379
to make sure you don't mess with it now
here listen this is where i keep the toy
54
00:04:31,380 --> 00:04:38,119
gun let's see how smart your kids are
55
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:45,379
which
56
00:04:45,380 --> 00:04:52,319
is the real gun mister uh you kids are
too young to play with guns anyway here
57
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,690
here's some pennies why don't you go put
them on the railroad track
58
00:05:11,231 --> 00:05:14,329
Oh, I'm sure it's nothing serious.
59
00:05:14,330 --> 00:05:16,680
After all, we've just recently fallen in
love.
60
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:20,000
Hey, Drew, isn't it time for the game to
start?
61
00:05:20,330 --> 00:05:23,950
No, the game doesn't start till... Hey,
what about my kitchen clock?
62
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,570
Why do I steal?
63
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,520
Don't start with me today, pig. Not
today.
64
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:05,700
Is that a shower curtain?
65
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:09,330
Yeah.
66
00:06:10,260 --> 00:06:13,210
Where's your toilet seat hat? Are you
going casual today?
67
00:06:14,580 --> 00:06:18,980
Leave me alone. I had a fire in my
apartment last night. Oh, gee, I'm
68
00:06:18,981 --> 00:06:19,769
Steve okay?
69
00:06:19,770 --> 00:06:20,820
Yeah, yeah.
70
00:06:20,830 --> 00:06:24,080
But the stupid fireman wouldn't go back
and he'd save my clothes.
71
00:06:24,081 --> 00:06:25,489
It's horrible.
72
00:06:25,490 --> 00:06:31,489
The smell of burning shag carpeting and
beads and snake skin and linoleum. That
73
00:06:31,490 --> 00:06:32,540
was just one dress.
74
00:06:35,030 --> 00:06:38,640
Well, how'd the fire start? Did you rep
a lady's shirt out on the back 40?
75
00:07:00,490 --> 00:07:01,540
Missed one.
76
00:07:02,810 --> 00:07:03,860
Cut it out.
77
00:07:03,970 --> 00:07:06,680
In high school, I had obsessive
compulsive disorder.
78
00:07:09,610 --> 00:07:12,070
I guess I've been battling it all my
life.
79
00:07:12,510 --> 00:07:15,290
The trauma of the fire must have brought
it all back.
80
00:07:16,690 --> 00:07:17,950
Sorry, I didn't know that.
81
00:07:19,450 --> 00:07:23,950
I always had to do things in threes.
82
00:07:24,170 --> 00:07:26,230
That's how I got my reputation as a
slut.
83
00:07:27,561 --> 00:07:34,429
I hate to think another fire would start
just because you forgot to spin around
84
00:07:34,430 --> 00:07:37,620
three times, flap your arms like a
chicken and say, Drew's a god.
85
00:07:39,310 --> 00:07:43,850
It doesn't work that way. You can't just
suggest something and then I do it.
86
00:07:44,690 --> 00:07:46,290
Oh, crap, you can't.
87
00:07:48,190 --> 00:07:49,240
Drew's a god!
88
00:07:50,350 --> 00:07:51,400
Drew's a god!
89
00:07:52,550 --> 00:07:53,600
Drew's a god!
90
00:07:54,570 --> 00:07:57,550
It wasn't as chicken -y as I hoped it
would be.
91
00:08:06,031 --> 00:08:10,579
Meat lovers hold the sauce? Where do you
put it all?
92
00:08:10,580 --> 00:08:13,320
I exercise and I have a high metabolism.
93
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:15,950
Excuse me.
94
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,440
Something's not right there.
95
00:08:31,660 --> 00:08:34,850
He couldn't have an eating disorder.
That only happens to girls.
96
00:08:34,851 --> 00:08:40,249
doctor's office to pick up Kate and they
told me to rush her to the hospital. Oh
97
00:08:40,250 --> 00:08:40,928
no, is she okay?
98
00:08:40,929 --> 00:08:43,039
I don't know, but we better get down
there.
99
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,400
doesn't beat on its own anymore.
100
00:09:31,380 --> 00:09:32,600
Oh, honey.
101
00:09:32,980 --> 00:09:35,020
Even when you're sick, you're beautiful.
102
00:09:38,060 --> 00:09:40,260
Excuse me, Mr.
103
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,590
Carey? Yeah. Can I talk to you for a
moment?
104
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:44,520
Is there anything wrong, doctor?
105
00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:47,210
No, I just need to go over some
insurance matters.
106
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,250
She's dying.
107
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:55,340
What? She has an extremely rare disease
that atrophies the muscles of the heart.
108
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:56,920
I'm afraid it's fatal.
109
00:09:58,350 --> 00:09:59,400
This is terrible.
110
00:09:59,830 --> 00:10:00,880
Why?
111
00:10:01,290 --> 00:10:02,340
Why?
112
00:10:02,710 --> 00:10:03,760
Why?
113
00:10:06,470 --> 00:10:09,720
This isn't about you, honey. We're
talking about something else.
114
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:14,540
I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do now
except keep her comfortable.
115
00:10:15,190 --> 00:10:16,830
Who cares? She's dying anyway.
116
00:10:21,510 --> 00:10:23,390
Why did I just say something so cruel?
117
00:10:24,770 --> 00:10:27,610
My shielter.
118
00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:29,750
Just a guard to keep people away.
119
00:10:30,970 --> 00:10:34,520
Maybe I'm just afraid that they'll hate
me just as much as I hate myself.
120
00:10:35,510 --> 00:10:37,250
I am a toilet of sadness.
121
00:10:38,581 --> 00:10:40,569
Oh, well.
122
00:10:40,570 --> 00:10:42,250
At least I'm not a dying whore.
123
00:10:43,950 --> 00:10:45,450
Oh, shields are back up.
124
00:10:49,350 --> 00:10:51,640
I wish there was someone who could
forgive me.
125
00:10:54,331 --> 00:10:59,239
Well, Doc, is there anything you can do?
Is there a cure?
126
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:03,259
Well, I've always thought that an
unschooled layman could bring a fresh
127
00:11:03,260 --> 00:11:06,080
perspective to medical science and find
a cure.
128
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,940
If it's anywhere, it'll be in here.
129
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,410
Good luck.
130
00:11:11,260 --> 00:11:15,439
Kate, I don't know how, but we're going
to beat this thing. I'm going to find a
131
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:16,490
cure.
132
00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:17,800
There's only one problem.
133
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:20,560
I can't read.
134
00:11:23,491 --> 00:11:28,979
Hey, Drew, did you hear from the Emmy
people yet? How are we doing?
135
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,180
I don't know. Let's check.
136
00:11:30,580 --> 00:11:34,380
Of course, I was against this whole Emmy
snubbing episode.
137
00:11:36,420 --> 00:11:40,679
If anyone gets nominated from this show,
it should be the one person that had
138
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:44,960
the courage to say that they thought it
was a bad idea.
139
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,200
And that person would be me.
140
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,380
Craig Ferguson, the actor who plays
Nigel Wick.
141
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:56,619
You'll never get an Emmy. Your
character's too... cartoonish i
142
00:11:56,620 --> 00:12:03,579
can't believe kate's dying yeah she
143
00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:09,619
would have made a nice crazy old barfly
shut up she's not gonna die
144
00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:12,160
somewhere in this medical book is the
cure
145
00:12:40,991 --> 00:12:47,879
We could read the book and find a cure
for cape, but how's that going to help
146
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,200
Drew to learn to read, huh?
147
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,580
Keep your eyes on the prize here.
148
00:12:51,581 --> 00:12:55,239
So, Drew, how'd you get so far without
being able to read?
149
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,599
Well, you know how I volunteer for Big
Brothers? Mm -hmm. Well, every weekend,
150
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,839
instead of taking the kids hiking or
camping, I bring them to my office and
151
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:02,980
them read my paperwork.
152
00:13:02,981 --> 00:13:07,719
Maybe if you put half that energy into
learning how to read, you wouldn't be
153
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,180
such an M -O -R -O -N.
154
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,560
That spells moron, you piece of crap.
155
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,370
I did it again.
156
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,620
I'm pushing people away.
157
00:13:22,820 --> 00:13:25,660
Maybe I'm rejecting them before they can
reject me.
158
00:13:26,380 --> 00:13:30,780
I need to tear down the wall and show
others the kindness they show me.
159
00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:36,470
You okay, buddy?
160
00:13:36,740 --> 00:13:38,180
I'll be okay when you're dead.
161
00:13:46,730 --> 00:13:48,710
How come he keeps lashing out like that?
162
00:13:48,711 --> 00:13:52,789
Maybe I've been ignoring him. I've been
so wrapped up in cake dyeing and my own
163
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:53,840
illiteracy.
164
00:13:54,630 --> 00:13:56,730
This is Miami device.
165
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,040
Have you seen my... You bastard.
166
00:14:35,820 --> 00:14:41,859
I can explain. My dad's in prison and I
secretly want to get caught so I can be
167
00:14:41,860 --> 00:14:42,910
close to him.
168
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:46,750
Oh, buddy.
169
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:51,760
I didn't know you missed your dad that
much. I only hit you once.
170
00:15:09,230 --> 00:15:13,260
Well, I'm off to see the psychiatrist
about my obsessive -compulsive disorder.
171
00:15:13,350 --> 00:15:14,400
I'm almost cured.
172
00:15:15,850 --> 00:15:19,709
And I'd just like to say to everyone
that I... Well, I'm off to see the
173
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,389
psychiatrist about my obsessive
-compulsive disorder.
174
00:15:22,390 --> 00:15:23,440
I'm almost cured.
175
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:29,170
As I was saying, I realized that I had
an eating disorder.
176
00:15:29,770 --> 00:15:32,070
Tricia and Mandy are part of my support
group.
177
00:15:32,870 --> 00:15:33,950
Top of the hour.
178
00:15:34,170 --> 00:15:36,190
Last of the stall is fattest of them
all.
179
00:16:04,270 --> 00:16:07,040
We're here for the organs. Not yet. Get
out, you vultures.
180
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:09,150
But don't go far.
181
00:16:11,850 --> 00:16:16,130
Drew Carey, do you take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
182
00:16:17,990 --> 00:16:19,040
I do.
183
00:16:19,390 --> 00:16:25,129
And I don't know why I'm asking this,
but Kate O 'Brien, do you take this man
184
00:16:25,130 --> 00:16:26,810
be your lawfully wedded husband?
185
00:16:27,630 --> 00:16:28,710
Where am I?
186
00:16:29,130 --> 00:16:32,620
Now that she's awake, the honeymoon's
not going to be quite as creepy.
187
00:16:38,220 --> 00:16:40,870
and take this man to be your lawfully
wedded husband.
188
00:17:55,230 --> 00:17:56,280
Really, you can?
189
00:17:56,350 --> 00:17:58,570
Yeah, but I'm on heavy painkillers.
190
00:18:03,510 --> 00:18:05,680
Thanks a lot. You really made me feel
better.
191
00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:07,710
Whoa, you're a big, giant bunny.
192
00:18:10,110 --> 00:18:13,600
I think you better get back to your
room, little girl. You're tripping.
193
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:11,630
thing that I want to tell you.
194
00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:13,770
I'm gay, gay, gay.
195
00:19:16,950 --> 00:19:19,110
I didn't mean to hurt you.
196
00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:23,330
No, no, it's so freeing to hear you say
that.
197
00:19:25,070 --> 00:19:26,120
I'm gay too.
198
00:19:27,990 --> 00:19:31,780
Drew, we heard the announcement. Yeah,
we just wanted to tell everyone that...
199
00:20:03,110 --> 00:20:04,430
How much money do you have?
200
00:20:05,130 --> 00:20:08,090
I think I got about $20 in here.
201
00:20:08,091 --> 00:20:09,309
I got $10.
202
00:20:09,310 --> 00:20:10,360
You got $20?
203
00:20:10,390 --> 00:20:11,690
That means I got about $80.
204
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:14,889
Where are you going?
205
00:20:14,890 --> 00:20:16,940
I'm going to go buy us some Golden
Globes.
206
00:20:16,941 --> 00:20:22,829
Well, the season's over. I guess it's
time to announce the winner of the Dr.
207
00:20:22,830 --> 00:20:24,810
Pepper Drew Carey April Fool's contest.
208
00:20:24,811 --> 00:20:28,189
Now, since we're filming before we know
who the actual winner is, I'll just use
209
00:20:28,190 --> 00:20:29,870
special effects to add it in later.
210
00:20:29,890 --> 00:20:32,960
Now, the technology is so good, you
won't even be able to tell.
211
00:20:34,090 --> 00:20:39,369
The $200 ,000 goes to... This is where
we announce the winner of the Drew Ferry
212
00:20:39,370 --> 00:20:41,290
April Fool's contest for the year 2000.
213
00:20:41,291 --> 00:20:42,399
Bye.
214
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:46,950
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
17261
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof