Original subtitles

Okay, Mimi, send it over. Okay.

What's going on?

Mimi and I are learning how to send family pictures to everyone using email.

What the hell is that?

Oh, that's our little zygote.

See, the fertility clinic used my sperm and fertilized Mimi's egg.

And then how Jurassic Park got started?

Well, right now, the little tyke is chilling in the freezer, but in two

someone's going to implant the zygote into Mimi.

And we have a winner for the worst job in America contest.

Try to grow your eyes last, little buddy.

Well, I gotta go to work. Now, you take it easy, Mimi, because you've got an

operation coming up, and then, in nine months, you'll be having my baby.

What a lovely way to say how much you love me.

Having my baby.

He's just happy because he got to make love to a paper cup instead of you.

At least my man doesn't have a... brained wiener that makes him cry like a

every time he gets excited.

Oh, my God.

The new store mannequins I ordered are beautiful.

Hello, darling.

Sir, we have the entire building.

Why are my ladies all bundled up like this? I didn't pay $10 ,000

to hide their beautiful mock flesh.

$10 ,000?

Sir, the store can't afford that.

How dare you question my authority?

Bet it's not the saddest dune you've ever been a part of.

Hey, you look a little like Kate.

Kate has one of these things, too, except this one's kind of silky to the

God's love.

get all the toys.

Oh, well, ever since I talked to Kate, I've had this whole pen of energy, so I

thought I'd clean out the basement. I'm thinking of having an art sale.

It's just really, really important that I keep my hands busy.

Hey, our old walkie -talkies.

You remember when we put one of these under Drew's parents' bed?

Remember when we heard Drew's dad?

Don't get fancy with me, Bueller. Just take me home.

Stop it.

Hey, who's up for a game of Gnip -Gnop?

Actually... You guys got to go. I paged Kate. She's on her way over.

So?

Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but... Well, I got an erection at work today.

Hey!

Hey, hey. I did, too.

No kidding.

I remember I delivered this package to this lady. She comes to the door. She's

just wearing a robe.

Breeze comes in.

Opens up the robe. Get to the point.

She had an erection.

kids party I'm catering. Hey, why don't you guys go outside and play with the

lawn darts?

All right.

Hey, Drew, I had the damn government bandies anyway.

Yeah, what was that all about? I don't know.

Hey, give me one of those.

What are you doing, sonny?

I'm healed.

I'm okay down there.

That's so great. We've waited so long.

Yeah, let's go upstairs and get those big shoes up in the air. What do you

rush anything.

Let's wait till tomorrow night and make it really special, okay?

We'll have the whole evening to ourselves. We want to go to work the

Trust me, it'll be worth the wait.

Okay. All right. Hey, uh, will you wear the big shoes?

Yes.

All right. If I could have your attention, please, I'd like to welcome

to the first meeting of the Been Dumped by Kate Club.

It's her loss!

Well,

I'm glad to finally meet you guys face to face.

You know, I don't think I could have gotten through my breakup if I hadn't

able to chat with you guys online. Thank God I stumbled on Jay's website.

Hey, if I can help just one guy with coldheartlessbitch .com, I've done my

So, anyone want to take the floor and trash Kate?

You know, I was just thinking back to my short but passionate relationship with

Kate. I loved that thing she used to do during sex.

What was it again?

If you really slept with Kate, where's the mole below her waist?

Well, quite frankly, when I'm having sex with Kate, I'm not looking for moles.

I'm looking for that look of ecstasy on her face.

Now, what was it like again? Somebody show me. Come on.

Fine, fine, fine. You all think you're better than me because you've had sex

with Kate and you've formed a little club.

I don't want you anyway. You're riddled with moles.

It's party. It ended at 7.

Jay? Randy?

What are you guys doing here?

Who are you?

Oh my God, you don't remember me?

Spring break, 1982?

You went on a trip to Hawaii. You came into my surf shop and I closed it for

whole day.

Wait.

Which shop?

I don't believe this. You guys sit around and... and drink and say horrible

things about me?

I'm not that horrible.

You left me at the altar.

Okay, there's that.

You left me the night before my battalion shipped out for the Gulf War.

Well, welcome home.

Did I hurt all of you guys this much?

Yeah.

I had no idea.

I owe each of you an apology.

I am so sorry.

Well, all I really wanted was an apology.

So I guess I can get on with my life.

I just realized that none of my relationships have ended well. You're

me. We would have let in the one -nighters, but we couldn't afford to

hall.

Does Drew know about this club? No, not yet.

What is that? supposed to mean?

Well, I'm sorry, Kate. Hey, no one wants you and Drew to stay together more than

me, but at some point you have to admit, I mean, these guys were great and they

were all in love with you.

You gotta see that, you know, maybe the problem isn't us, it's... Me?

That's what I was thinking.

Oh, God, if I hurt all of you guys this much, that means I can hurt Drew.

Oh, my God, tomorrow night.

What? Tomorrow night's supposed to be our first night.

I can't... I can't do it. I can't sleep with Drew.

Hi. Welcome to Playboy's Sexual Secrets.

Tape number nine. Sex for seniors.

Oh, crap.

The wrong tapes.

Get ready for some fun sex positions that won't break your hip.

I wanted to watch...

Just wanted to say I'm really looking forward to tonight. It's going to be

great. Only an hour to go.

Love you.

Okay. Hanging up now.

Bye.

Ooh. So you got a big date with O 'Brien, huh?

Well, I hope you at least buy her dinner before you Clinton all over her dress.

Mimi, there is nothing you can say to me that will upset me today.

Sounds like a chap.

I'll tell you what the real challenge is. O 'Brien trying to fake an orgasm

during your ten -second love -a -thon.

Yeah, what is it?

Oh, God. No.

What do I do?

Okay. Okay.

Hey, buddy, I need a huge favor.

Oh, no. Is everything okay?

your thing? Why don't you get your coat and I'll go warm up the screw you

mobile.

That was the fertility clinic calling.

Electricity's down in the freezers out. My little zygote only has one hour to be

implanted. What does the Lord have to strike you dead? He doesn't want another

one of you.

Someone's got to take me down there. This is a real operation. So someone's

to bring me home.

All right, I'll do it for Steve.

Let me tell you one thing. I don't care how much help that farmer needs, I'm not

going to hold your hind legs.

Slow down, pig.

No. I'm taking you to the clinic, I'm dropping you off, and that's it. You get

to get a cab home.

There's no way I'm going to be late for cake tonight.

Besides, the last thing I need to see before my big date is you on the

end of a turkey baster.

I can't believe Steve's in Toledo.

Damn porcelain doll convention.

when I was a roadie for Foghat.

Oh, I wish I was that dead cat in the middle of the road.

I don't think I can take that disappointment again.

Turn left here.

Let's see the clinics to the right.

No, we ain't going.

It's hopeless.

Liv, you're right. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a baby. Just take me

Mimi, don't be getting all human on me now.

Well, you never know unless you try.

How are you going to feel used to now when you realize you came this far and

then you gave up?

I'm scared.

Look, I'm sure you're going to be a fierce, protective mother.

The most any child can ask for.

You really mean that?

Yeah.

Besides, you don't want your species dying out with you.

Turn this car around. I'm having a baby.

Bet you fiddle of gold against your soul because I think I'm better than you.

Say nothing of this.

Hey, where's Kate?

She's not here yet. Oh, good. We're both running late.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I brought you over some cologne we're developing at Drug Co.

We'll make Kate crazy for you.

Oh, it smells great. Yeah.

Oh, gee. Thanks, Lewis. Oh, no problem.

I'm sure you won't be in the 3%.

Three percent of the monkeys in the test group tried to eat their own genitals.

Any negative side effects?

Hello? Drew?

It's me. Before you say anything, I just need to tell you, I just need some time

alone to think about things, so I can't come over tonight, and I'm really sorry.

Bye.

Kate, wait.

What's wrong?

Kate says she's not coming over.

I don't get it.

What'd she say?

Said she needs time to think about us.

Oh.

I understand.

She just doesn't want to sleep with me.

Come on. You don't know that. Maybe she sprained her thing.

No, no. She...

She just doesn't love me.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm sure there's something I can do to cheer you up.

Hey, Drew.

There may not be love in this house tonight.

There may not be sex.

But by God, there's going to be turkey in the straw.

I didn't sleep.

I was really scared about something, and I have to talk to you.

Okay.

Don't be scared. Here.

Climb into bed. I'll talk it out.

I don't even know where to start.

I'm so sorry I stood you up.

But I just found out there's an actual club of my ex -boyfriends.

I've hurt everybody that I've been in a relationship with.

Oh, Kate, they just weren't the right guys. It's not your fault.

Yes, it was.

You didn't see their faces. I really hurt them.

I don't want to hurt you.

I love you. I'm willing to take that chance.

I love you too.

But I've been in love before and I screwed it up.

I mean, how do I know it's going to work this time?

How do we know this is the real thing?

We're in love.

Do you want me to spell it out for you?

L is for the way you look at me.

O is for...

I see.

V is very, very extraordinary.

E is even more than anyone that you adore.

And love is all that I can give to you.

Love is more than just a game for two.

Made for me and you

Made for me and you

I've never spent two days in bed with anyone before.

Three times in 48 hours.

Sexual peak at 18, my ass.

This is the most perfect moment of my life.

bad things didn't work out at the clinic.

Drew, she just said she was pranked. Nope, didn't happen. She's not having a

care of child.

Drew, she just said... Hey, I played along with your fantasy, play along with

mine.

Drew left out one of his Playboy tapes.

Let's be naughty.

and have sex, you see? It makes it all legitimate.