All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s05e24 Beer Ball

So, do you have any retail experience?

Nope. Any office skills?

Nope. Do you have a college degree?

Nope. Have you ever been convicted of a
crime?

Yep.

Hey, we have a yes.

You making fun of me?

No, no, I never kid a guy who has
emergency contact who lives on death

I gotta change that Friday at midnight,
God rest his soul.

Hey, you wanna know what I did? It was
felony.

It's kind of funny.

It's real funny if you hate cops.

More pig.

Pig? Oh, no, no.

I'm not a cop. It's just her nickname
for me.

I see what she's talking about.

Let me hear you squeal like a pig.

Ah, no one are office dating.

Ah, a fire. Good, you're here. Can I
finish up the interview?

Let's get this man to work.

Oh, yes, sir. I've been looking over his
resume. You know, he has some real

potential.

I'm going to put it on his name tag and
I'll hire him.

Hey, who said anything about name tag? I
don't work here. I'm just here to play

softball.

Softball? What's he talking about? Since
when we had a softball team?

1989.

1989? I was in good shape back then. I
could have played. I was still running

laps, you know, at the mall with the old
people while I ate my Cinnabons.

your salary wired to an offshore account
so your victim's family can't touch it.

Hey, tell me about this. I love
softball.

Why would we not tell a nearsighted
klutz who gets winded picking up a

about an athletic endeavor we wish to
win?

So you don't want me on the team?

Jerry, we may not have quality
merchandise, loyal customers, or

service, but come Saturday, my ragtag
team of employees and criminals kicks

butt of every other department store.

So you're hiring ringers.

That was Pete Rose selling shoes.

You're not going to let him play the
house that baby Ruth built.

She's on the team and I'm not? You've
got to be kidding.

She's really good. She's our catcher.

Yeah, I protect home plate like a Mormon
girl on prom night.

Mormon girls look like you, they
wouldn't need protection.

Now listen, I'm the assistant director
of personnel. I should be in charge of

the softball team.

And it should be open to everybody in
the store. It's good for morale.

Wait a minute, Kay. You do have a nice
broad build. Maybe you would make a good

flair. Bend down like this. Now twist
all the way around like this and go...

screw yourself because you're not
getting on my team.

I don't need this crap.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going
to start a real store team and let all

the employees play regardless of
ability.

Oh, good lord, Gary. I think you've
stumbled on the recipe for suck.

Well, if you think the team's going to
be so bad, then you won't be afraid to

play us this Saturday.

And whoever wins represents Winford
Louder in the league.

You're on.

This will be easier than the time we
beat those anorexics from the muddling

school.

I wouldn't be so confident if I was you.

You know, just because somebody doesn't
look athletic doesn't mean they can't

play.

And you shouldn't take a little boy and
shove him out into a... made a position

called deep, deep, bright field, which
is really just the parking lot.

And you call.

Well, I think somebody just had a
breakthrough.

want to thank you for putting this team
together.

I think it's really great that special
people like us could have a chance to

shine at athletics.

over by first base.

If someone on this team gets to first
base, I'll stand there naked.

Drew,

uh, you sure we can't shorten up the
distance between these bases?

You know, mister, I think we need to
shorten up the distance between I can

can't.

What?

no point.

Man, I can't believe he hit my best
pitch.

I learned that from a monkey at Drug Co.

May have been throwing crap, but he was
throwing strikes.

Hey, listen, why don't you guys just
toss the ball around a little bit, and

we'll shake some flies.

All right, Drew, you gotta face it. Your
team sucks.

There's no way you're gonna be wick on
Saturday.

Drew, you do realize that you have an
entire infield whose quality of life

depends on some sort of telephone.

Really? Even the girl with the
hunchback?

It's a girl.

Oh, poor thing.

Is she seeing anyone?

Give me one night and a bottle of wine,
I'll straighten out that spine.

Well, good luck, Drew. I wish she could
help you out.

Hey, why don't you guys play on
Saturday?

We don't work at the store.

Technically you do. You're elves for
Santa every Christmas.

Okay, we're in.

All right, but on one condition. You get
a new Santa.

The old one just keeps asking us if we'd
like to be naughty.

You want to come on Saturday and cheer
us on? Oh, no, my aunt died. I've got to

go to her funeral.

Oh, when I say got to, I mean I barely
know her, but I'd rather be anywhere but

here.

You know, if you really want to win, why
don't you ask your brother to play?

Steve's a better player than any of us.
I know, and he loves to rub my nose in

it. No, my idea is to get a team where
everybody can play regardless of

Sorry I'm late, Coach.

I got a little bit of the margarita
fever, if you know what I'm talking

I hope he's home.

I think we got everything we need for
the big game. Yeah, we got band -aids,

asthma puffers, and antibiotics.

Yeah.

Oxygen, Benadryl, and a gynecological
sling.

What's that?

Uh, it's pretty much a thong, an ace
bandage, and a nicotine patch.

You know, I got your message, and
there's something I gotta tell you

God, I've wanted to tell you this for a
while, but I just couldn't.

Bro, I play for the other team.

I knew it. He's gay.

Not that other team. I play for the
other Winfred Lauder softball team. If

think I'm gay, well, talk to the hand.

team. Well, Mimi's on the team and
spouses are allowed to play too.

I never told you, Drew, because then you
try out and that'd be awkward.

Oh, so I'm not good enough to play on
your team?

Ding, ding, ding.

Well, you know, our teams are playing
Saturday, so maybe you can back up all

that big talk, punk.

Pardonnez -moi?

Would that be a chaland?

I know what this is about.

You're still stuck on that family
reunion softball game.

Shut up. We were kids, and I was
pitching, and I struck Drew out and won

game, and he cried like a little baby.

Why don't you tell him what else you
did?

He was so confident when I got up the
bat. He had his whole team leave the

field. My aunts, my uncles, my 12 -year
-old cousin with the big breasts.

You was hitting the ball. You did a
psych job on your old little brother.

You struck me out and made me cry in
front of four generations of carries.

When the game was over, they gave out
prizes. They made me most girly, and

was a guy there with breasts.

Well, this Saturday, I'm going to pay
you back.

Well, if you're so confident, why don't
you back that up with a little wager?

All right.

If I win, you've got to eat all the crap
you made me eat when we were kids.

Worms, dirt, dog food.

rocks washed down with warm soda.

I prayed for two weeks and I blew out
the seat of my pants.

Tough skin's my ass.

All right, I'll take that bet.

But when you lose, you've got to run
around the bases wearing nothing but a

diaper and a bonnet.

What's the matter?

Afraid you're going to lose?

All right, you're on.

Hey, wouldn't it be more humiliating for
Drew if we all had to wear diapers?

Even his close buddies crawling around
like a bunch of hairy babies?

Continue.

Well, I'm going to be wearing a diaper.
You know why?

Because I'm going to be hitting them out
of the park.

Well, who knows?

You may get a hit before then.

What are you talking about?

Ow! Oh,

what's the matter? Baby gonna cry?

Wait, here, I'm gonna stretch it into a
double.

What's the matter? Baby gonna cry? Here
comes the triple.

golden arches and jesus looked like
colonel sanders and god was the taco

chihuahua we have a question for you
yeah would

you say that you had regular skin or
sensitive skin

would you prefer

while I'm watching porn.

Well, damn it.

If you have to wear a diaper, then I
will, too.

All day long, if I have to.

We'll be like a couple of bad babies
together.

Well, if I've got to wear a diaper, I
might as well be drunk.

I pound a lot of these to get diaper for
getting drunk.

Too bad you didn't make it a drinking
contest. You would have won that.

You should have challenged him to beer
ball. Yeah.

You know, that's a good idea.

Drinking's the one thing I do better
than Steve.

Hey, Steve, I've got an idea to spice up
our bet.

Well, bring on the pep.

I say we make the game a game of beer
ball. You know, where you chug a beer at

every base.

Oh, that is so cute.

You thought and you thought and you
finally came up with something that you

will level the playing field.

All right.

the coach of this team and i don't want
my players especially the females

getting all hot sweaty and drunk oh wait
a minute yes i do i'm off to rent a van

with tinted windows come on steve still
could smack that

ball on the sweet spot slung that horse
hey knock off the

bedroom talk i'm not playing

I get to kick your ass and have a frosty
beverage at every base.

That's where I drink up, my pretty.

Poppies will make you sleepy.

Poppies.

And to win the game. And before you get
excited, I'm not talking about the

Denny's breakfast you see jumping over
fences in your dreams every night.

Well, Drew, here we are again.

But I want you to know that even after I
strike you out, we'll still be

brothers, and I love you very much.

Now here comes the pain, you little
bitch.

You always win.

I wish you had a little brother that you
could torment.

No, no, I wouldn't torment him.

Because I know what it's like to live in
someone's shadow who's better at

everything than you are.

You think I'm better at everything?

Everything except giving hugs.

Oh, damn it, little brother, I can
learn.

Shut up. It makes its own gravy.

I think I'm going to be sick.

You put your tongue in Mimi's mouth and
this is what makes you sick?

I can't believe I made you do this.

Well, maybe it's too late, but I'm
really sorry, bro.

Aw, that's so sweet. Now shut up and
chew.

picture taken.

Yeah, where were you?

Nobody call.

Yeah, we got you, dude.

We're just fooling with you. Go upstairs
and put on your uniform. We're here to

pick you up for the picture.

Just let me run a quick iron.

Better call everybody back for another
damn picture.

Remember, it's always funny how second
time around.

It's like love.

What's the big deal?

All you had to do was hit the ball.

You're on.

Good.

I'll just... I prayed for two weeks and
I blew out the

seat of my pants.