Original subtitles

So, do you have any retail experience?

Nope. Any office skills?

Nope. Do you have a college degree?

Nope. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

Yep.

Hey, we have a yes.

You making fun of me?

No, no, I never kid a guy who has emergency contact who lives on death

I gotta change that Friday at midnight, God rest his soul.

Hey, you wanna know what I did? It was felony.

It's kind of funny.

It's real funny if you hate cops.

More pig.

Pig? Oh, no, no.

I'm not a cop. It's just her nickname for me.

I see what she's talking about.

Let me hear you squeal like a pig.

Ah, no one are office dating.

Ah, a fire. Good, you're here. Can I finish up the interview?

Let's get this man to work.

Oh, yes, sir. I've been looking over his resume. You know, he has some real

potential.

I'm going to put it on his name tag and I'll hire him.

Hey, who said anything about name tag? I don't work here. I'm just here to play

softball.

Softball? What's he talking about? Since when we had a softball team?

1989.

1989? I was in good shape back then. I could have played. I was still running

laps, you know, at the mall with the old people while I ate my Cinnabons.

your salary wired to an offshore account so your victim's family can't touch it.

Hey, tell me about this. I love softball.

Why would we not tell a nearsighted klutz who gets winded picking up a

about an athletic endeavor we wish to win?

So you don't want me on the team?

Jerry, we may not have quality merchandise, loyal customers, or

service, but come Saturday, my ragtag team of employees and criminals kicks

butt of every other department store.

So you're hiring ringers.

That was Pete Rose selling shoes.

You're not going to let him play the house that baby Ruth built.

She's on the team and I'm not? You've got to be kidding.

She's really good. She's our catcher.

Yeah, I protect home plate like a Mormon girl on prom night.

Mormon girls look like you, they wouldn't need protection.

Now listen, I'm the assistant director of personnel. I should be in charge of

the softball team.

And it should be open to everybody in the store. It's good for morale.

Wait a minute, Kay. You do have a nice broad build. Maybe you would make a good

flair. Bend down like this. Now twist all the way around like this and go...

screw yourself because you're not getting on my team.

I don't need this crap.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to start a real store team and let all

the employees play regardless of ability.

Oh, good lord, Gary. I think you've stumbled on the recipe for suck.

Well, if you think the team's going to be so bad, then you won't be afraid to

play us this Saturday.

And whoever wins represents Winford Louder in the league.

You're on.

This will be easier than the time we beat those anorexics from the muddling

school.

I wouldn't be so confident if I was you.

You know, just because somebody doesn't look athletic doesn't mean they can't

play.

And you shouldn't take a little boy and shove him out into a... made a position

called deep, deep, bright field, which is really just the parking lot.

And you call.

Well, I think somebody just had a breakthrough.

want to thank you for putting this team together.

I think it's really great that special people like us could have a chance to

shine at athletics.

over by first base.

If someone on this team gets to first base, I'll stand there naked.

Drew,

uh, you sure we can't shorten up the distance between these bases?

You know, mister, I think we need to shorten up the distance between I can

can't.

What?

no point.

Man, I can't believe he hit my best pitch.

I learned that from a monkey at Drug Co.

May have been throwing crap, but he was throwing strikes.

Hey, listen, why don't you guys just toss the ball around a little bit, and

we'll shake some flies.

All right, Drew, you gotta face it. Your team sucks.

There's no way you're gonna be wick on Saturday.

Drew, you do realize that you have an entire infield whose quality of life

depends on some sort of telephone.

Really? Even the girl with the hunchback?

It's a girl.

Oh, poor thing.

Is she seeing anyone?

Give me one night and a bottle of wine, I'll straighten out that spine.

Well, good luck, Drew. I wish she could help you out.

Hey, why don't you guys play on Saturday?

We don't work at the store.

Technically you do. You're elves for Santa every Christmas.

Okay, we're in.

All right, but on one condition. You get a new Santa.

The old one just keeps asking us if we'd like to be naughty.

You want to come on Saturday and cheer us on? Oh, no, my aunt died. I've got to

go to her funeral.

Oh, when I say got to, I mean I barely know her, but I'd rather be anywhere but

here.

You know, if you really want to win, why don't you ask your brother to play?

Steve's a better player than any of us. I know, and he loves to rub my nose in

it. No, my idea is to get a team where everybody can play regardless of

Sorry I'm late, Coach.

I got a little bit of the margarita fever, if you know what I'm talking

I hope he's home.

I think we got everything we need for the big game. Yeah, we got band -aids,

asthma puffers, and antibiotics.

Yeah.

Oxygen, Benadryl, and a gynecological sling.

What's that?

Uh, it's pretty much a thong, an ace bandage, and a nicotine patch.

You know, I got your message, and there's something I gotta tell you

God, I've wanted to tell you this for a while, but I just couldn't.

Bro, I play for the other team.

I knew it. He's gay.

Not that other team. I play for the other Winfred Lauder softball team. If

think I'm gay, well, talk to the hand.

team. Well, Mimi's on the team and spouses are allowed to play too.

I never told you, Drew, because then you try out and that'd be awkward.

Oh, so I'm not good enough to play on your team?

Ding, ding, ding.

Well, you know, our teams are playing Saturday, so maybe you can back up all

that big talk, punk.

Pardonnez -moi?

Would that be a chaland?

I know what this is about.

You're still stuck on that family reunion softball game.

Shut up. We were kids, and I was pitching, and I struck Drew out and won

game, and he cried like a little baby.

Why don't you tell him what else you did?

He was so confident when I got up the bat. He had his whole team leave the

field. My aunts, my uncles, my 12 -year -old cousin with the big breasts.

You was hitting the ball. You did a psych job on your old little brother.

You struck me out and made me cry in front of four generations of carries.

When the game was over, they gave out prizes. They made me most girly, and

was a guy there with breasts.

Well, this Saturday, I'm going to pay you back.

Well, if you're so confident, why don't you back that up with a little wager?

All right.

If I win, you've got to eat all the crap you made me eat when we were kids.

Worms, dirt, dog food.

rocks washed down with warm soda.

I prayed for two weeks and I blew out the seat of my pants.

Tough skin's my ass.

All right, I'll take that bet.

But when you lose, you've got to run around the bases wearing nothing but a

diaper and a bonnet.

What's the matter?

Afraid you're going to lose?

All right, you're on.

Hey, wouldn't it be more humiliating for Drew if we all had to wear diapers?

Even his close buddies crawling around like a bunch of hairy babies?

Continue.

Well, I'm going to be wearing a diaper. You know why?

Because I'm going to be hitting them out of the park.

Well, who knows?

You may get a hit before then.

What are you talking about?

Ow! Oh,

what's the matter? Baby gonna cry?

Wait, here, I'm gonna stretch it into a double.

What's the matter? Baby gonna cry? Here comes the triple.

golden arches and jesus looked like colonel sanders and god was the taco

chihuahua we have a question for you yeah would

you say that you had regular skin or sensitive skin

would you prefer

while I'm watching porn.

Well, damn it.

If you have to wear a diaper, then I will, too.

All day long, if I have to.

We'll be like a couple of bad babies together.

Well, if I've got to wear a diaper, I might as well be drunk.

I pound a lot of these to get diaper for getting drunk.

Too bad you didn't make it a drinking contest. You would have won that.

You should have challenged him to beer ball. Yeah.

You know, that's a good idea.

Drinking's the one thing I do better than Steve.

Hey, Steve, I've got an idea to spice up our bet.

Well, bring on the pep.

I say we make the game a game of beer ball. You know, where you chug a beer at

every base.

Oh, that is so cute.

You thought and you thought and you finally came up with something that you

will level the playing field.

All right.

the coach of this team and i don't want my players especially the females

getting all hot sweaty and drunk oh wait a minute yes i do i'm off to rent a van

with tinted windows come on steve still could smack that

ball on the sweet spot slung that horse hey knock off the

bedroom talk i'm not playing

I get to kick your ass and have a frosty beverage at every base.

That's where I drink up, my pretty.

Poppies will make you sleepy.

Poppies.

And to win the game. And before you get excited, I'm not talking about the

Denny's breakfast you see jumping over fences in your dreams every night.

Well, Drew, here we are again.

But I want you to know that even after I strike you out, we'll still be

brothers, and I love you very much.

Now here comes the pain, you little bitch.

You always win.

I wish you had a little brother that you could torment.

No, no, I wouldn't torment him.

Because I know what it's like to live in someone's shadow who's better at

everything than you are.

You think I'm better at everything?

Everything except giving hugs.

Oh, damn it, little brother, I can learn.

Shut up. It makes its own gravy.

I think I'm going to be sick.

You put your tongue in Mimi's mouth and this is what makes you sick?

I can't believe I made you do this.

Well, maybe it's too late, but I'm really sorry, bro.

Aw, that's so sweet. Now shut up and chew.

picture taken.

Yeah, where were you?

Nobody call.

Yeah, we got you, dude.

We're just fooling with you. Go upstairs and put on your uniform. We're here to

pick you up for the picture.

Just let me run a quick iron.

Better call everybody back for another damn picture.

Remember, it's always funny how second time around.

It's like love.

What's the big deal?

All you had to do was hit the ball.

You're on.

Good.

I'll just... I prayed for two weeks and I blew out the

seat of my pants.