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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,920
So, do you have any retail experience?
2
00:00:02,460 --> 00:00:04,380
Nope. Any office skills?
3
00:00:04,940 --> 00:00:06,620
Nope. Do you have a college degree?
4
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:09,530
Nope. Have you ever been convicted of a
crime?
5
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,010
Yep.
6
00:00:12,060 --> 00:00:13,280
Hey, we have a yes.
7
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:15,320
You making fun of me?
8
00:00:15,620 --> 00:00:19,050
No, no, I never kid a guy who has
emergency contact who lives on death
9
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:23,380
I gotta change that Friday at midnight,
God rest his soul.
10
00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:27,410
Hey, you wanna know what I did? It was
felony.
11
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,050
It's kind of funny.
12
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,160
It's real funny if you hate cops.
13
00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:36,350
More pig.
14
00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:38,760
Pig? Oh, no, no.
15
00:00:39,020 --> 00:00:41,130
I'm not a cop. It's just her nickname
for me.
16
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,000
I see what she's talking about.
17
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,440
Let me hear you squeal like a pig.
18
00:00:46,940 --> 00:00:48,540
Ah, no one are office dating.
19
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:54,400
Ah, a fire. Good, you're here. Can I
finish up the interview?
20
00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:55,880
Let's get this man to work.
21
00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:58,039
Oh, yes, sir. I've been looking over his
resume. You know, he has some real
22
00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,090
potential.
23
00:00:59,091 --> 00:01:03,519
I'm going to put it on his name tag and
I'll hire him.
24
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:07,339
Hey, who said anything about name tag? I
don't work here. I'm just here to play
25
00:01:07,340 --> 00:01:08,390
softball.
26
00:01:08,391 --> 00:01:12,639
Softball? What's he talking about? Since
when we had a softball team?
27
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,690
1989.
28
00:01:13,691 --> 00:01:18,739
1989? I was in good shape back then. I
could have played. I was still running
29
00:01:18,740 --> 00:01:22,700
laps, you know, at the mall with the old
people while I ate my Cinnabons.
30
00:01:27,210 --> 00:01:31,240
your salary wired to an offshore account
so your victim's family can't touch it.
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00:01:33,950 --> 00:01:36,370
Hey, tell me about this. I love
softball.
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00:01:37,250 --> 00:01:42,329
Why would we not tell a nearsighted
klutz who gets winded picking up a
33
00:01:42,330 --> 00:01:44,500
about an athletic endeavor we wish to
win?
34
00:01:46,110 --> 00:01:47,670
So you don't want me on the team?
35
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:53,709
Jerry, we may not have quality
merchandise, loyal customers, or
36
00:01:53,710 --> 00:01:58,159
service, but come Saturday, my ragtag
team of employees and criminals kicks
37
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,020
butt of every other department store.
38
00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:01,900
So you're hiring ringers.
39
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,120
That was Pete Rose selling shoes.
40
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:10,300
You're not going to let him play the
house that baby Ruth built.
41
00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:21,380
She's on the team and I'm not? You've
got to be kidding.
42
00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:23,420
She's really good. She's our catcher.
43
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:26,940
Yeah, I protect home plate like a Mormon
girl on prom night.
44
00:02:31,940 --> 00:02:34,950
Mormon girls look like you, they
wouldn't need protection.
45
00:02:34,951 --> 00:02:39,479
Now listen, I'm the assistant director
of personnel. I should be in charge of
46
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:40,530
the softball team.
47
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:44,030
And it should be open to everybody in
the store. It's good for morale.
48
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:48,639
Wait a minute, Kay. You do have a nice
broad build. Maybe you would make a good
49
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:52,800
flair. Bend down like this. Now twist
all the way around like this and go...
50
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,590
screw yourself because you're not
getting on my team.
51
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,000
I don't need this crap.
52
00:02:58,001 --> 00:03:01,759
You know what I'm going to do? I'm going
to start a real store team and let all
53
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:03,930
the employees play regardless of
ability.
54
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,920
Oh, good lord, Gary. I think you've
stumbled on the recipe for suck.
55
00:03:09,331 --> 00:03:15,759
Well, if you think the team's going to
be so bad, then you won't be afraid to
56
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:16,840
play us this Saturday.
57
00:03:17,220 --> 00:03:20,170
And whoever wins represents Winford
Louder in the league.
58
00:03:20,620 --> 00:03:21,670
You're on.
59
00:03:21,671 --> 00:03:25,099
This will be easier than the time we
beat those anorexics from the muddling
60
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:26,150
school.
61
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,800
I wouldn't be so confident if I was you.
62
00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:33,459
You know, just because somebody doesn't
look athletic doesn't mean they can't
63
00:03:33,460 --> 00:03:34,510
play.
64
00:03:34,511 --> 00:03:37,999
And you shouldn't take a little boy and
shove him out into a... made a position
65
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,550
called deep, deep, bright field, which
is really just the parking lot.
66
00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:43,390
And you call.
67
00:03:52,490 --> 00:03:54,900
Well, I think somebody just had a
breakthrough.
68
00:04:45,571 --> 00:04:49,819
want to thank you for putting this team
together.
69
00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:52,679
I think it's really great that special
people like us could have a chance to
70
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:53,730
shine at athletics.
71
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,080
over by first base.
72
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:27,820
If someone on this team gets to first
base, I'll stand there naked.
73
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:33,570
Drew,
74
00:05:33,820 --> 00:05:37,190
uh, you sure we can't shorten up the
distance between these bases?
75
00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:44,599
You know, mister, I think we need to
shorten up the distance between I can
76
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:45,650
can't.
77
00:05:46,460 --> 00:05:47,510
What?
78
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,250
no point.
79
00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:08,860
Man, I can't believe he hit my best
pitch.
80
00:06:09,140 --> 00:06:11,000
I learned that from a monkey at Drug Co.
81
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,050
May have been throwing crap, but he was
throwing strikes.
82
00:06:15,051 --> 00:06:18,859
Hey, listen, why don't you guys just
toss the ball around a little bit, and
83
00:06:18,860 --> 00:06:20,000
we'll shake some flies.
84
00:06:20,001 --> 00:06:23,599
All right, Drew, you gotta face it. Your
team sucks.
85
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,499
There's no way you're gonna be wick on
Saturday.
86
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:29,119
Drew, you do realize that you have an
entire infield whose quality of life
87
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,800
depends on some sort of telephone.
88
00:06:30,801 --> 00:06:33,819
Really? Even the girl with the
hunchback?
89
00:06:33,820 --> 00:06:34,870
It's a girl.
90
00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:37,580
Oh, poor thing.
91
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,060
Is she seeing anyone?
92
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:44,570
Give me one night and a bottle of wine,
I'll straighten out that spine.
93
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:50,819
Well, good luck, Drew. I wish she could
help you out.
94
00:06:50,820 --> 00:06:52,930
Hey, why don't you guys play on
Saturday?
95
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:54,900
We don't work at the store.
96
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,210
Technically you do. You're elves for
Santa every Christmas.
97
00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:00,990
Okay, we're in.
98
00:07:01,340 --> 00:07:03,870
All right, but on one condition. You get
a new Santa.
99
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,930
The old one just keeps asking us if we'd
like to be naughty.
100
00:07:08,780 --> 00:07:12,979
You want to come on Saturday and cheer
us on? Oh, no, my aunt died. I've got to
101
00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:14,030
go to her funeral.
102
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:18,259
Oh, when I say got to, I mean I barely
know her, but I'd rather be anywhere but
103
00:07:18,260 --> 00:07:19,310
here.
104
00:07:19,311 --> 00:07:23,539
You know, if you really want to win, why
don't you ask your brother to play?
105
00:07:23,540 --> 00:07:26,579
Steve's a better player than any of us.
I know, and he loves to rub my nose in
106
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:30,400
it. No, my idea is to get a team where
everybody can play regardless of
107
00:07:32,180 --> 00:07:33,260
Sorry I'm late, Coach.
108
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:37,240
I got a little bit of the margarita
fever, if you know what I'm talking
109
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:43,490
I hope he's home.
110
00:07:52,731 --> 00:07:59,199
I think we got everything we need for
the big game. Yeah, we got band -aids,
111
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,320
asthma puffers, and antibiotics.
112
00:08:01,780 --> 00:08:02,830
Yeah.
113
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,740
Oxygen, Benadryl, and a gynecological
sling.
114
00:08:16,531 --> 00:08:18,479
What's that?
115
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:22,180
Uh, it's pretty much a thong, an ace
bandage, and a nicotine patch.
116
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,710
You know, I got your message, and
there's something I gotta tell you
117
00:08:34,020 --> 00:08:37,270
God, I've wanted to tell you this for a
while, but I just couldn't.
118
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:40,539
Bro, I play for the other team.
119
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:42,760
I knew it. He's gay.
120
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:49,039
Not that other team. I play for the
other Winfred Lauder softball team. If
121
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,180
think I'm gay, well, talk to the hand.
122
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:06,880
team. Well, Mimi's on the team and
spouses are allowed to play too.
123
00:09:06,990 --> 00:09:12,050
I never told you, Drew, because then you
try out and that'd be awkward.
124
00:09:13,490 --> 00:09:17,310
Oh, so I'm not good enough to play on
your team?
125
00:09:18,770 --> 00:09:19,820
Ding, ding, ding.
126
00:09:19,821 --> 00:09:25,389
Well, you know, our teams are playing
Saturday, so maybe you can back up all
127
00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:27,070
that big talk, punk.
128
00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:30,660
Pardonnez -moi?
129
00:09:31,030 --> 00:09:32,330
Would that be a chaland?
130
00:09:35,681 --> 00:09:37,999
I know what this is about.
131
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:41,360
You're still stuck on that family
reunion softball game.
132
00:09:41,620 --> 00:09:45,359
Shut up. We were kids, and I was
pitching, and I struck Drew out and won
133
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,620
game, and he cried like a little baby.
134
00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,670
Why don't you tell him what else you
did?
135
00:09:50,671 --> 00:09:54,499
He was so confident when I got up the
bat. He had his whole team leave the
136
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:58,050
field. My aunts, my uncles, my 12 -year
-old cousin with the big breasts.
137
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,970
You was hitting the ball. You did a
psych job on your old little brother.
138
00:10:09,971 --> 00:10:13,499
You struck me out and made me cry in
front of four generations of carries.
139
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:16,419
When the game was over, they gave out
prizes. They made me most girly, and
140
00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:17,800
was a guy there with breasts.
141
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,750
Well, this Saturday, I'm going to pay
you back.
142
00:10:22,020 --> 00:10:25,870
Well, if you're so confident, why don't
you back that up with a little wager?
143
00:10:26,420 --> 00:10:27,470
All right.
144
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:31,540
If I win, you've got to eat all the crap
you made me eat when we were kids.
145
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,000
Worms, dirt, dog food.
146
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,780
rocks washed down with warm soda.
147
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:41,340
I prayed for two weeks and I blew out
the seat of my pants.
148
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:50,060
Tough skin's my ass.
149
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:55,520
All right, I'll take that bet.
150
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:59,439
But when you lose, you've got to run
around the bases wearing nothing but a
151
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:00,620
diaper and a bonnet.
152
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,290
What's the matter?
153
00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:06,900
Afraid you're going to lose?
154
00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:09,190
All right, you're on.
155
00:11:09,540 --> 00:11:13,330
Hey, wouldn't it be more humiliating for
Drew if we all had to wear diapers?
156
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:19,020
Even his close buddies crawling around
like a bunch of hairy babies?
157
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:26,650
Continue.
158
00:11:26,651 --> 00:11:29,959
Well, I'm going to be wearing a diaper.
You know why?
159
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,859
Because I'm going to be hitting them out
of the park.
160
00:11:31,860 --> 00:11:32,910
Well, who knows?
161
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,460
You may get a hit before then.
162
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:36,099
What are you talking about?
163
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,260
Ow! Oh,
164
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:39,840
what's the matter? Baby gonna cry?
165
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,650
Wait, here, I'm gonna stretch it into a
double.
166
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,890
What's the matter? Baby gonna cry? Here
comes the triple.
167
00:12:23,630 --> 00:12:29,329
golden arches and jesus looked like
colonel sanders and god was the taco
168
00:12:29,330 --> 00:12:36,289
chihuahua we have a question for you
yeah would
169
00:12:36,290 --> 00:12:41,629
you say that you had regular skin or
sensitive skin
170
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:44,130
would you prefer
171
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,370
while I'm watching porn.
172
00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:05,300
Well, damn it.
173
00:13:05,610 --> 00:13:07,850
If you have to wear a diaper, then I
will, too.
174
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:10,330
All day long, if I have to.
175
00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:13,260
We'll be like a couple of bad babies
together.
176
00:13:15,610 --> 00:13:18,500
Well, if I've got to wear a diaper, I
might as well be drunk.
177
00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:22,700
I pound a lot of these to get diaper for
getting drunk.
178
00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:26,209
Too bad you didn't make it a drinking
contest. You would have won that.
179
00:13:26,210 --> 00:13:28,680
You should have challenged him to beer
ball. Yeah.
180
00:13:29,230 --> 00:13:30,610
You know, that's a good idea.
181
00:13:30,870 --> 00:13:33,280
Drinking's the one thing I do better
than Steve.
182
00:13:33,630 --> 00:13:36,510
Hey, Steve, I've got an idea to spice up
our bet.
183
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,550
Well, bring on the pep.
184
00:13:40,010 --> 00:13:44,529
I say we make the game a game of beer
ball. You know, where you chug a beer at
185
00:13:44,530 --> 00:13:45,449
every base.
186
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,790
Oh, that is so cute.
187
00:13:47,791 --> 00:13:52,229
You thought and you thought and you
finally came up with something that you
188
00:13:52,230 --> 00:13:53,670
will level the playing field.
189
00:13:53,970 --> 00:13:55,020
All right.
190
00:13:55,021 --> 00:14:00,729
the coach of this team and i don't want
my players especially the females
191
00:14:00,730 --> 00:14:04,229
getting all hot sweaty and drunk oh wait
a minute yes i do i'm off to rent a van
192
00:14:04,230 --> 00:14:11,069
with tinted windows come on steve still
could smack that
193
00:14:11,070 --> 00:14:18,009
ball on the sweet spot slung that horse
hey knock off the
194
00:14:18,010 --> 00:14:19,450
bedroom talk i'm not playing
195
00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:47,770
I get to kick your ass and have a frosty
beverage at every base.
196
00:14:48,730 --> 00:14:50,790
That's where I drink up, my pretty.
197
00:14:51,770 --> 00:14:53,210
Poppies will make you sleepy.
198
00:14:54,230 --> 00:14:55,280
Poppies.
199
00:17:01,941 --> 00:17:08,469
And to win the game. And before you get
excited, I'm not talking about the
200
00:17:08,470 --> 00:17:12,200
Denny's breakfast you see jumping over
fences in your dreams every night.
201
00:17:13,410 --> 00:17:16,230
Well, Drew, here we are again.
202
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:21,209
But I want you to know that even after I
strike you out, we'll still be
203
00:17:21,210 --> 00:17:23,550
brothers, and I love you very much.
204
00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:27,069
Now here comes the pain, you little
bitch.
205
00:17:55,270 --> 00:17:58,430
You always win.
206
00:17:59,110 --> 00:18:01,910
I wish you had a little brother that you
could torment.
207
00:18:02,270 --> 00:18:04,590
No, no, I wouldn't torment him.
208
00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:09,549
Because I know what it's like to live in
someone's shadow who's better at
209
00:18:09,550 --> 00:18:10,750
everything than you are.
210
00:18:11,630 --> 00:18:13,430
You think I'm better at everything?
211
00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:16,470
Everything except giving hugs.
212
00:18:17,110 --> 00:18:20,710
Oh, damn it, little brother, I can
learn.
213
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:41,360
Shut up. It makes its own gravy.
214
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:47,780
I think I'm going to be sick.
215
00:18:48,620 --> 00:18:51,990
You put your tongue in Mimi's mouth and
this is what makes you sick?
216
00:18:57,180 --> 00:18:59,520
I can't believe I made you do this.
217
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,060
Well, maybe it's too late, but I'm
really sorry, bro.
218
00:19:03,540 --> 00:19:05,530
Aw, that's so sweet. Now shut up and
chew.
219
00:19:11,631 --> 00:19:13,419
picture taken.
220
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:14,500
Yeah, where were you?
221
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,760
Nobody call.
222
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,500
Yeah, we got you, dude.
223
00:19:23,501 --> 00:19:28,219
We're just fooling with you. Go upstairs
and put on your uniform. We're here to
224
00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:29,299
pick you up for the picture.
225
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,800
Just let me run a quick iron.
226
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,910
Better call everybody back for another
damn picture.
227
00:19:42,189 --> 00:19:44,839
Remember, it's always funny how second
time around.
228
00:19:45,330 --> 00:19:46,380
It's like love.
229
00:19:49,110 --> 00:19:50,160
What's the big deal?
230
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:52,190
All you had to do was hit the ball.
231
00:19:58,770 --> 00:19:59,820
You're on.
232
00:20:00,710 --> 00:20:01,760
Good.
233
00:20:02,250 --> 00:20:09,109
I'll just... I prayed for two weeks and
I blew out the
234
00:20:09,110 --> 00:20:10,159
seat of my pants.
235
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:14,710
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