Original subtitles

Morning. Morning.

Drew, why are you letting Speedy sit at the table?

Because feeding him breakfast in bed would be spoiling the dog.

I guess you never really know a guy until you spend the night with him.

Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?

Uh, did you have the feeling we were being photographed last night?

No. Uh, I got nothing else to say.

That's a people bowl. I used it last night.

Oh, don't worry.

I washed it out for him.

Listen, I love Speedy as much as you do, but this is gross.

Sweetie, get down.

Come on. Come on. Get down.

Oh, I'm sorry, Speedy. Don't worry, we'll still have our bubble bath

Later on, I found an aromatherapy candle. Smells like another dog's butt.

Drew, I've got some laundry upstairs. Would you mind getting it for me?

Yeah.

Oh, and don't forget to separate the whites.

Yeah. Okay.

Before you go, can you grab me my purse right there, please?

Yes, dear.

Thank you.

Drew,

Speedy just growled at me.

It's ridiculous.

Speedy wouldn't do that. I'm telling you, he just growled at me.

No, this is the friendliest dog in the world. He even met the doctor's face

sipped off his clackers.

I'll go get the laundry.

Drew, come back!

He just growled at me again. I'm telling you, the second you left the room, he

growled at me. He's messing with my head.

So, whenever I leave the room, he does something that he wouldn't do when I'm

the room.

Exactly, yes.

You know, I've heard of other animals doing something like this. Yeah?

Did it go like this?

Hello, my baby. Hello, my...

All this energy calling me back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock.

Living in sin with a safety pin gone.

to see you two finally getting along.

Yeah, I can't believe you guys made it through an entire meal without insulting

each other.

So we're done?

Nice watching you eat, pig. I thought you were welding over there with all the

sparks flying off your silverware.

Pretty cocky coming from a woman who doesn't realize how her buns were warmed

up.

Maybe what we should do is take a little breather and skip a night.

No, we're not skipping anything. At 7 o 'clock, my vaginal pH is optimal.

Do you just hear a breeze? Because every opening in my body just closed.

Talk to the cheeks.

Drew, you sure you don't mind me sleeping over again tonight? I have to

early tomorrow morning.

No, I love you staying here. As a matter of fact...

Bought a little something for you to wear tonight.

Oh, can't wait to see this.

It's called... Stop Snoring, Damn It.

That's why I got it for you.

You know what? I'll wear that when you get something for your ass.

All right. So neither one of us has to wear anything.

Delivering packages with my supervisor tomorrow. I need your help to make a

impression. I need you to pretend like you don't know me so you can rave about

what a great package delivery I have. Yeah, I did it the last couple of years,

but I've run out of costumes.

It'd be hard for you to top a sea captain.

Arr!

The fruit's arrived.

I don't want to be scurvy. Arr!

Joe, can you come up here?

Oh, why don't you guys just go ahead and finish your beers. Just make sure you

lock up. I'm going to go to bed.

Kate's spending the night.

Yeah. Huh.

I can't believe this is how we have to find out that your penis is healed.

I call you every time something good happens to my penis.

Is that why you haven't called me in the last couple of years?

Look, it hasn't healed. Kate and I just want to be together, okay?

Isn't it kind of hard sleeping next to Kate when you can't even do anything?

Hey, there's more to a relationship than just sex, okay?

There's more to a relationship than just sex.

There's more to a relationship than just sex.

There's more to a relationship than just sex.

Drew,

why does Speedy hate me all of a sudden? What are you talking about?

What he did to my purse.

Louis were here.

Drew, there's a piece of chew toy in it.

That doesn't rule out Oswald.

All right.

Speedy. Bad dog.

I showed you Mimi's purse. This doesn't look like Mimi's purse.

You're just going to put it in the closet?

Yeah, I'm going to save it in case I have Mimi's Secret Santa this year.

Drew, he's staring at me again.

Well, uh... You know, you're kind of in a spot.

I can't sleep with him staring at me. Can you at least put him outside the

bedroom? No, if I put him out there, he scratches the door all night and he'll

never get to sleep.

Well, then can you put him outside?

Well, he hates it outside.

Well, maybe I should go.

Oh, honey, you don't want to go. It's cold out there and you hate the wet

Look, if I put him outside, I'm going to have to tie him up so he doesn't run

away. And he hates that. He goes crazy. It's like he's a different dog.

But this is making me crazy.

I mean, he sits at the table. He has his own spot in bed. We even watched his TV

show tonight.

Well, he thinks Ally McBeal's a bum.

Can you please do me this one thing? Can you just put him outside, please?

All right, I'll put him outside.

Come on, Speedy.

Come on.

herky -jerky this time and I want beans all over the bed.

Hey, Stokers, I got an idea.

Let's try a different position tonight just to spice things up.

You know we can't do that.

It's got to be the missionary position until I get pregnant.

I'll slide that pillow under my rump and let's get to work.

Oh.

Oh, God, I want you now so bad.

This has never happened to me before.

I'm sorry.

Nothing, Mr. Harvey. It's just part of your evaluation.

I can change.

Don't fire me. I'll tell you anything you want.

I throw packages in the river at the end of the day.

I see.

I'm just kidding about that.

It's not my fault you're a little geek without a sense of humor.

I mean, I love you.

Oh, look at you.

I love golden retrievers.

Well, you can pet Speedy.

He looks fast.

Oh, you're all wrapped up in your leash.

I'll get that for you.

Get him off of me! Get him off of me! What's going on?

What's going on?

Speedy just bit my supervisor.

Stranger?

Hey, thanks for making me time outside. I know he just bit somebody.

Come on, I'll drive you to the...

supposed to deliver this morning anyway.

I hope Oswald's supervisor's gonna be okay or else Drew's gonna be

madder at me than he already is.

Don't worry about it, Kate. It's just a dog bite.

Yeah. Then again, their mouths are full of bacteria.

One little nip is like a filthy bullet right through the heart.

I don't know why I've talked to you. You never make me feel good about anything.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's my bitterness at being a gawky freak. Freakish child who grew up

quick he had to wear shoes made out of cereal boxes.

Oh, but the pretty girl has a problem, so go ahead.

Do you think it's easy being beautiful?

I said pretty.

Hey,

guys. Hey.

Hey. Hello, Lewis.

Kate.

Hey, Drew. How's the supervisor doing? Fine, but I have $800 for his medical

bills. Want to help me out with that? Why don't you get my checkbook?

It's in my purse under your dog's load.

feel no responsibility for this.

Well, who knows what would have happened if he'd stayed in the bedroom. He could

have bitten me.

Oh, I get it.

You want me to choose between you and Speedy. Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Let's look at this now, okay?

Yeah. Kate's got two great legs, but Speedy has four.

Speedy's got a longer tongue and he's not all hung up about using it.

Drew, I love Speedy too, but he's out of control. You have to do something.

who might be able to help you guys.

There's this animal behaviorist down at Drug Co. I could ask her to take a look

at Speedy.

Do you have strings for dogs now?

Butter my butt and call me Margaret.

Either Speedy sees the shrink or... I'm sorry, I can't come over anymore.

You know what? I think you might like Dr. Kelly. She treated this monkey down

Drug Co. who would get sexually excited and hop around every time a woman showed

up at work without a bra.

After just one treatment, the doctor cured me.

I mean the monkey.

Crazy monkey.

Crazy, lonely monkey.

Morning, Mimi. I need these files done by the end of the day.

Oh, my God.

Looks like someone left her face out in the rain.

What?

I don't know if I want to talk about it. It's an embarrassing sex thing.

Well, my stomach says no, but my sick, carny sense of humor says oh, yeah.

What happened?

Steve couldn't make love to me last night.

Yeah, well, of course.

That's horrible. Continue.

Well, I just don't understand. It's never happened to us before.

Well, are you doing anything different?

We're doing everything exactly the same since we decided to get pregnant.

pillow beans, boom, boom. I just don't know what's wrong.

Beans.

Where'd you put them?

You eat them to help you get pregnant.

Oh.

Well, sounds like you've fallen into some kind of a rut.

If you tried spicing things up with, say, a fantasy or two, perhaps you could

try some sort of outrageous costume.

he'd talk about it to another guy.

Oh, no, Mimi, I wouldn't be comfortable talking about it.

Mr. Wick, please, if you don't, I might not be able to have a baby.

Well, Mimi, I'd love to help, but really, this is a private matter.

Yeah, you're right. Here he comes. Good luck.

Hi, Mr. Wick.

Is Mimi around?

Uh, no, she should be back any minute.

of those Indians.

I think they're going to go all the way this year. Oh, yes, yes.

Yes.

So, uh, any creepy fantasies?

Excuse me?

No, you can tell me, man to man.

What gets your pants up popping, huh?

You know, I've spoken to you like three times.

This is not a third -time conversation.

All right, I'll break the ice with one of my fantasies.

I'd like to sit naked on a golf bag.

Okay, now you.

I know what this is about.

Mimi put you up to this.

Well, I told her that it's my problem and I'll deal with it.

Hey, it's my problem, too.

Well, I'll let you both talk about it and realize you're...

Given the circumstances, you're both pretty lucky to have anybody.

Why won't you let me help you? I told you I don't want to talk about it.

You are so mule -headed. Sometimes I would just like to take you over my

And then what?

I'd give you the spanking of a lifetime.

And then what?

Holy crap, I found the on switch.

If you're not in that office in two seconds, I am going to...

Spank your butt raw.

One, two, three. Uh -oh, I'm in trouble.

Hey, Kate.

This is Dr.

Kelly from Drug Co.

Hi, thanks for coming.

So tell me, is animal behaviorism a four -year degree? Do you have to go to full

28 dog years?

No.

you interact with speedy all right well first i'd you know i'd usually pet him

or play catch or something speedy go get the ball boy go get the ball go get it

come on get it yeah i threw too far okay i'll be i'll look at it for you okay

uh and

sometimes we uh wrestle or something

What are you talking about?

Well, Speedy thinks he's in charge and you're his pet.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, he wants to dance now. Excuse me.

Sorry, that means he just wants me to dance.

Honey.

Honey.

Sweetie.

Hey, let me do the big finish or he's going to get mad.

a real problem here.

Kate and Speedy are fighting for control over you.

What?

Don't worry. It's not a problem. It's a simple solution.

Every time that you feel challenged by them, you can use this squirt gun to

establish control.

Drew, tell her I don't control you.

Tell her.

Tell her now.

What are you saying?

Why are you squirting me? Speedy's the problem.

Well, to tell the truth,

Sometimes you're, uh, well, uh... You're doing good, boy.

Sometimes you're a little bit bossy.

Drew, I don't want to talk about this in front of the doctor.

All right, I have a few minutes.

Ever since we've been dating, you've been calling all the shots.

I'm not being bossy. I'm just telling you what I want.

No, you're not. You told me what to do.

But when you do what I say, I get what I want.

Incidentally, if Speedy acts up, this will work on him, too.

I'm going to screw my dog.

Well, I'll send you my bill.

You know, I've got to tell you, this has been great, and you're the first person

from Drug Co. that I've ever met that's not nuts.

Thanks.

Goodbye, Drew. Okay.

Okay.

Speedy.

I spoke too soon?

Go on, get out of here.

Go on, get.

Get.

Hey, Ryan, it's your first time directing. I just want to say you're

great job.

Oh, well, hey, it was a team effort, huh? There is no I in team.

Couldn't have done it without you guys. But hey, let's shoot that last scene,

huh? Okay.

Steve and I want you to have this.