Original subtitles

Mimi, is everything ready for the white sale?

Yep. Did you notify all the department heads about all those sale prices?

Yep. Have you ever run in the Kentucky Derby?

Yep. You're not even listening to me.

This sale could make or break my career.

Calm down, Priscilla.

All you got to do is open up the store, act like a manager, and take all the

credit. Hey, I put a lot of work into this thing. I was up at 5 in the morning

dealing with all the buyers.

What am I doing?

I'm the boss now. Shut up or you're fired.

I'm sorry, Mimi. That was kind of harsh.

Yeah, it was very harsh. Shut up means shut up.

Hello, Mimi.

Hello, Drew.

Kiss me right after you kiss Mimi. That's how Ebola got started.

I found something in here that I think is going to help you get pregnant.

A little blindfold for your penis?

No, it's a catalog for couples, see?

Vibrating panties. And look, they even have remote control.

See, I should get these. The doctor said if I had more orgasms, it would

increase my ovulation, and I'd have a better chance of getting pregnant.

Well, that's one smart veterinarian you got there.

Every minute we stand here talking is one less minute for me to vibrate. Go.

Buy me those panties. Go.

How would you like a larger... Oh, yeah. I'm going to fall for that again.

One night in the ER was funny. Thank you very much.

Mr. Wick, what are you doing here?

I finished my retraining in Toledo and I'm starting again in the mail room.

You, Mr. Wick, is standing before you now just a humble man.

I'm naked, asking nay, begging for your forgiveness.

If I fall from my smell a load of crap.

I suppose I deserve that.

Look, everybody deserves a second chance.

Welcome back.

Thank you, Mr. Carey. Your kindness is an inspiration. I'll get right back to

work. I just need you to sign for this parcel.

Oh, sure thing.

Wait a minute.

There's another piece of paper under here.

Look at this. He got you to okay a phony ad for your white sale. This was going

to run in all the papers.

Come on down to Drew Carey's white folks only sale.

He's trying to trick you out of your job.

Do you think I forget how coldly you dispatched me?

When I was suffering through my retraining, I made myself this vow.

I heart Toledo.

Wrong arm.

Although I did enjoy the city.

I, Nigel Wick, swear by all that is holy, I will avenge my fireman by

Drew Carey's career. See? Ask for details.

Curious?

I'm not really a detail man. I'm more of a big picture guy.

Listen, uh, I know how hard...

I don't need your charity.

I will not rest until I am once again store manager.

Here is your People magazine.

See, you always think I'm the bad guy out to get you. This time I saved your

butt, didn't I?

I don't think you're a bad guy, Mimi. I just think you're a horrible woman.

I want to make sure everything was set for the sale tomorrow. I'm coming in

late, so you'll have to open the store. I'll be there bright and early, sir.

Okay. Is that the ad for the white sale? Let me see it. No, it's not ready yet.

Well, let me see what you got so far. No, it's not ready.

Carrie, let me see what's in your hand now.

Okay, I guess there's no reason to be ashamed. It's a copy of some boudoir

pictures I had taken of myself for Kate.

I'm in a thong.

I have a hunch that you're covering, but I can't take that chance.

energy calling me back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go sleeveling rocks, sleeveling

rocks, living in sin with a safety pin.

you home tonight, I expect to see all the garbage tipped over and a dead

squirrel on the front porch.

Can I, uh, help you?

You do, Kerry?

Yes.

Hey, what are you doing?

Please,

let me go. What are you doing? Stop that.

I'm doing my job, ma 'am. Your job? What are you talking about?

I hired you. Who did it?

I'm sorry.

I can't reveal my employer, ma 'am.

How come you can call me ma 'am?

I was instructed to. It amplifies the humiliation.

Ma 'am?

Hey, wait!

I don't want to talk to this doorbell. Come back here!

Hey, I'm tiny! Somebody help!

Help!

It's me.

It's up to you now, boy.

Thanks, Pete. It cost me to go.

Sorry I'm late.

Carrie, we had hundreds of people trying to get into the store this morning.

Where in the hell were you?

A cowboy last sued me in a hard time in my backyard.

Carrie, sometimes we want something to happen so badly, we actually think that

it did.

Tight up in my... Look, I have the rope to prove it.

Sometimes we want something so bad, we actually go out and buy the props.

I think Wick hired the cowboy to make me late for the sale.

And it makes me look bad.

Would you quit trying to weasel out of this?

Today was the first time in 100 years that the store didn't open up in time.

Thanks to you, we lost customers and we lost sales.

I'm sure the new manager won't make the same mistake.

What?

Carrie, I have to demote you back to your old job.

I have no choice.

Give me a chance. I'm bringing the company. He'll confess.

It's Dakota to the West. Carrie.

I'm sorry, man. I have to answer to the board of directors. And they're going to

want a new manager.

And you're not going to have to look far.

I'm ready to start right now.

You ain't got any kidding.

Hey, I opened the store this morning. I know everything about this job. When

Wick was here, I practically ran the place.

But you're a secretary.

Hey, I know everything about this store.

And if you don't believe me, well, why don't you just give me a test?

All right, come on.

Play along with your little game.

Say we have a group of teamsters down on the loading docks ready to strike. What

do you do?

Well... Teamsters want respect, so I'd agree to their raise, and then I'd make

them pay for it by rolling their medical benefits back.

Not bad, not bad. Sir, if you come to my office, I can show you actual rope

burns. If you just give me a chance, sir, I guarantee that you won't be

disappointed.

All right.

I'll give you one day while I find a replacement.

Okay, and if I do a good job, I get to be the store manager?

Yeah, and if you screw up, you don't get the job, and you can't wear that makeup

to work ever again.

know I can do it. Let's make it official.

Sir, this is a big mistake.

Listen, I know the cowboy damaged my credibility, but I've seen her bite

Gary, give the keys to the office and to the company, Jack.

All right.

But I am keeping my I'm a winner keychain.

I had a feeling something like this might happen.

Here's your crack, ma 'am.

You're not going to go away with this, Mimi.

There's no way you're going to make a whole day running the store.

You know who's going to come out on top?

The winner.

And the world's greatest lover.

Look, you've got to think of something. There's no way Mimi's going to be the

store manager.

Hey, I know what'll get Mimi fired. When she's in charge tomorrow, you talk

everyone into having a work slowdown so nothing gets done.

Yeah, great. We'll call it Project Just Like Every Other Day.

Yeah, I know how people get fired at Drug Co. They complain about the pain

in their neck.

Oh!

Oh!

I love my job!

I love my job!

I wish I could help you.

But getting fired is one thing I don't have to worry about. When you catch your

boss putting his wife's head in a box, you got a job for life.

Uh, Kate, honey, how about you? I mean, you've had a little bit of experience

getting fired.

Yeah, but that's just because I refused to play the man's game and show up for

work five days in a row.

Come here.

Mr. Wick, what do you want?

The same thing that you want.

To destroy Mimi. And I have a plan.

I call it Operation Take Down the Clown.

How's it work?

Don't know. I spent all night on the title.

Why should Drew trust you? You tried to get him fired.

Oh, good Lord.

That wife's only prank is ancient history. How long are you going to hold

over my head?

It was yesterday.

Oh, all right.

about this.

We unite to destroy Mimi, and then it's every man for himself.

What do we need you for?

What's your big plan to get Mimi fired?

Well, let's see.

I've been fired for a variety of reasons. I must be come up with

I was drunk, drunk, drunk.

Then I forget the legal term, but whipping it out in an elevator.

whipping it out in an office.

I was telling the elevator story at a different job.

I wish there was a way we'd get Mimi drunk at work.

I've got it.

Every day with lunch, Mimi has a pickle. We can take that pickle, soak it in

grain alcohol. She won't know she's getting drunk because it has no taste or

smell.

I like it.

Yo, pickle switch.

I learned it from another drunken rehab.

She was an old Slavic woman.

She used to sneak them in in the folds of her pendulous breasts.

You haven't hit rock bottom until you've fought off three other drunks to suckle

on a Hungarian booby pickle.

Rope me once, shame on you. Rope me twice, shame on me.

Johnson, the truck's not going to unload itself. I want that merchandise on the

shelves pronto.

Hey, customer service, why have I had three complaints in sporting goods this

morning? I need you on that.

Kitty, where the hell were you?

Big cowboy tied me up again this morning.

to get Mimi drunk. Now it's almost the end of the day. Dammit, Kenny, I should

never have put my pickle in your hands.

Yeah, we're gay. Tell your friends.

So, am I talking to the new store manager?

Five more minutes till closing and it's all mine. Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Now, the doctor said that tonight is your prime ovulation time, so here are

special panties.

Put them on at the restaurant.

No, put them on now.

It'll make the ride over so much fun.

Every time we hit a red light.

Let's not take the freeway.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Drew, isn't it great about Mimi?

It doesn't bother you at all that she got me fired?

What are you talking about? She said you stopped being store manager because you

wanted to spend more time with Kate.

No. No, she made me late for the sale and she humiliated me in front of the

boss. She had him hogtied by a cowboy.

Yeah, it's true, and we got over 50 Polaroids to prove it.

Here's Drew being hogtied.

Here's Drew yelling at me and Oswald not to take pictures.

Here's Oswald holding a stick with dog poop on it in Drew's face.

Oh, my God, she lied to me.

Oh, Drew, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Well, I'm not going to need this remote.

If she wants her panties to vibrate, she's going to have to do it herself.

It

would

be a terrible, terrible...

Really funny thing to do.

No, we can't do it. It's too mean.

Oh, look. Our last two screw -ups and store managers have formed a club.

Come on, everyone. I want you to meet the new store manager.

She's more man than both of them put together.

Tell me.

Let's start the engines.

Amy, you've done a great job. I just want to introduce the board to our new

store manager.

Congratulations.

I think she's got him on. Only one way to find out.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

She's weird.

Give her the juice.

I can't do it. I can't give me any pleasure.

Well, I've never really pleasured a woman. Let me try.

It was nice of all of you to stop by, and now I'd better get back to work.

Steve, honey, you can stop now.

Mimi, are you okay?

Mimi, you're embarrassing me. Get a grip on yourself.

Too late.

Mimi, I need to talk to you. Not now!

Mimi. Just give me a minute, please!

I don't know what the hell is going on here, but it's very unprofessional.

I can explain.

I'm trying to get pregnant, so I'm wearing vibrating panties because... On

the one day that you have to prove yourself a store manager?

Mimi, that's it. I'm demoting you back to secretary.

I'm sorry. No, Mr. Sauron! Wait!

Wait! Wait! No!

I'm going to my office. Whoever has that remote, just turn it on.

and leave it by the coffee.

Mr.

Szilard, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, what is it?

Now that the manager's job is open again, I'd like to throw my hat back

ring. There won't be any more screw -ups because the cowboy's gone.

Sorry, Carrie, but we hired a new manager already.

Hello, Carrie.

Say goodbye to your weekend.

While we're at it, I'll need you to work Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, and

your birthday.

No!

What did you hire him again for?

Well, he was the most experienced, and he did finish his retraining as he

pointed out over pickles last night.

Why don't we discuss my new salary over a nice bumpy gherkin?

Mimi, I thought we had a deal. Ah, ah, ah, you said not to wear my makeup.

Monday through Thursday, I'm the members of KISS. Friday, a tribute to Michael

Jackson.

Well, Mimi, you might have kept me from getting the manager's job, but at least

you didn't get it.

Yeah, but you might have been responsible for shaking an egg loose for

house, Uncle Drew.

Well,

I'll be a monkey's uncle.

and left some beer on.

Why do you leave it on the ground?

Sometimes Drew's an idiot.

Hey!

What's going on?

Well, little ladies, this is from Drew Carey.

It's a payback for the poop stick.