Original subtitles

That was great. We should go to more swap meets.

Oh, yeah.

Next time we get tired of this highfalutin' attitudes down at the 99

store, we'll head right back down there.

I like the swap meet. I'm like Hugh Grant there.

Two women gave me their phone numbers, and I got a map from another woman who

doesn't have a phone.

Sure, I bought you a little present.

When? Oh, when you were trying to get that cross -eyed kid to stop feeling

pants.

It's a canine clock I got for 50 cents.

It barks. to wake you up.

I think it's broken.

Thanks for thinking of me, sweetie.

Hey, guys, you better sit down. You're not going to believe this.

I have a son.

kid from Boy Meets World releasing your son.

No, no, no.

It's like a dream come true. It's a real -life son. Look, he wrote me a letter.

Read.

Oh, my God.

You're a father?

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

How can you be a father?

Did someone at the laundromat accidentally sit on your special sock?

No, no, no.

Do you remember that the summer of our junior year when our mom sent Louis and

me off to tap dancing camp?

Oh, yeah. Who could ever forget camp's singular sensation?

Anyway, that's when I met Sherry Gates.

Sherry Gates is the mother? Yeah. Oh, she was really sweet.

We were like the three musketeers until you two started making out.

And I was just a creepy guy in a three -cornered hat.

Anyway, Sherry and me fooled around all summer and I never heard from her again.

I didn't even know she was pregnant.

But also, that would mean you have a 21 -year -old son.

Hey, how many guys from tap dance camp can say that?

Hey, congratulations.

What am I thinking?

Somebody's getting a you're a new father pink belly.

I'm going to write him today and tell him I can't wait to meet him. I missed

first words, his first steps. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss the slow

of his dreams as it gets crushed by the weight of the world.

What's his name?

Robert Gates. I wish it were Bill Gates.

Why?

Well, think of all the fun you could have. Hey, Bill Gates, mow the lawn.

Bill Gates, take out the garbage.

Why'd you do that, Bill Gates? You some kind of idiot?

Hey, here's a toast to the new father, Oswald.

No, to Sherry, who believed you can't get pregnant if you do it in a lake.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

Our little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland

Rocks. Living in sin with a safety belt.

suggestion box i know i'm filing them what you can't do that why not they're

stupid anyway nobody ever pays any attention to them hey listen you can't

that these are the people's ideas i don't want to run a store like that i

everybody to know they're being heard and if you elect me student council

president we'll have the best senior year yet well if they had we would have

i'm sure there's lots of good ideas in here

Reintroduce Mimi to the wild.

Suggest DC for management.

Sterilize Drew, says anonymous hottie.

Okay, look, we'll never get anywhere this way. Look, we'll just go through

these. We'll take out all the ones that we wrote insulting each other.

Employees write the employee newsletter instead of management.

See? A good idea.

Mimi, I want you to write a memo to everybody to let them know that they're

in charge of the newsletter.

Right away, sir.

Oh, and by the way, my title is store manager, not registered sex offender.

The registered makes it sound really important. No!

Hey, Mimi, you should be at your desk. It'd be nice to have somebody announce

me. Your 10 .30 pant load is here, sir.

I wrote him like a week ago. I haven't heard a thing. I'm afraid he changed his

mind about meeting me.

Why would he do that? What did you say in the letter?

I just told him about my life. I said I'm a delivery guy who lives with

guy above a bar.

So he thinks you're a gay alcoholic.

Oh, my God. He read the letter and now he's ashamed of me.

I'll never get to meet my only son.

Oswald, don't say that. Listen, you're a good man.

You're an honest man.

You're a smart dresser.

That's the kind of stuff he needs to hear. Maybe he'll meet me if you talk to

him and kind of build me up first. He doesn't want to meet me. He wants to

you. Obviously not.

This is a stupid idea.

Oh, don't get so down on yourself.

No, I'm a big loser.

I'm not going to give him this anyway.

Okay, I'll meet your kid and I'll tell him what a great guy you are.

Hey, this is my Little League glove.

Well, I wanted to give him one that wasn't used too much.

It would have been, but you know what my mom always said?

Little League's so political.

Thanks for doing this, Drew.

Oh, yeah.

I just got one more thing. A ball. My glasses!

He's getting late.

What if Oswald's son doesn't show up?

No one would be surprised. Imagine what's going through his mind.

Spend your whole life thinking your real father is Neil Armstrong or Joe

Montana. It turns out to be Forrest Gump.

Hey, I bet that's him.

I don't think so. He's got a book.

Wait a minute.

His lips are moving.

I better go introduce myself.

Excuse me, can I get a non -alcoholic beer?

Oh, that's not Oswald's son. It's not anybody's son.

So, little bastard show up yet?

No, little bastard never came around.

Would you guys stop calling him that?

Okay, we'll stop.

But he'll still spend the rest of his life roaming the countryside at night.

An outcast from polite society.

Because he is a bastard.

Anyway, I'm going to take Oswald down to the Star Wars convention, get his mind

off this whole kid thing. He's a nervous wreck.

Since when does Oswald like Star Wars?

Since when do we care what Oswald likes?

Besides, Chewbacca's going to be there signing copies of his new book, Hairy As

I Want To Be.

You should stop using that stupid voice.

Oh!

Are you Drew Carey?

Hey, I'm Robert, Oswald's son.

Sorry I'm late. I was at this Star Wars convention.

You're Oswald's son?

Yeah.

So when do we get to meet my dad?

I think you just missed him.

I think he looks exactly like Lewis, nothing like Oswald.

How are we going to tell him he's not the real father?

I'm still getting over the fact that Lewis actually got some in high school.

Here comes Lewis now.

Hey.

Okay, I'm here. What do you want to talk about?

Well, I never thought I'd have to ever ask you this, but would you ever sleep

with a close friend's girlfriend?

I see where this is going. Oh.

Okay, I'm in.

But when the three of us are in bed, Drew and my eyes must never meet.

Lewis,

let me be clear.

The only way I'd ever lie naked with you is in a mass grave.

She likes to lie still, huh? Lewis!

Have you ever slept with Sherry, Oswald's girlfriend from camp?

What are you talking about?

We met Oswald's son. He looks just like you. Yeah.

I see.

So just because Oswald's son slightly resembles me, you two jumped to the

conclusion that while everybody else was in tap class, Sherry and I were in the

closet bringing in the noise, bringing in the funk.

She slept with both of you?

What is she, too good to sit on a dryer?

What's the matter with you, man? How could you sleep with Oswald's

Look, they broke up that morning. How was I supposed to know they were going

get back together that night?

camp, my dad said. You'll never meet girls. Go to golf camp instead.

Good call, dad. My first kiss was with a 14 -year -old lesbian.

Look, you know, I feel terrible about it, but, you know, as a teenager with

raging hormones, I would have slept with my own mother.

Remember, I'm adopted. It's not as sick as it sounds.

You have to tell Oswald the truth.

Why drag me into it? It's not my fault. What can I do? Tramp sleeps with two

best friends.

I'm sorry, kid.

If somebody's got to tell Oswald the truth someday, we just can't keep

distracting him with shiny objects.

I know we can, but we've just got to stop doing it.

You know what? Robert's coming over here soon to meet his new dad. Between the

four of us, let's find a way to break it to Oswald.

Hey.

So, did you meet my son?

Yeah. Well, I'm dying to know. Does he want to meet me?

Uh, hey, Oswald, you know how sometimes you're... When you have a piece of pizza

and you leave the room for a second and you come back, your friend's having sex

with it?

What are you talking

about?

You know that running bet we have about whose sperm is the fastest? Yeah, sure.

Well, you're doing dishes for a week.

Robert. Hi, Drew. Hey.

Is it really you?

My God, he's beautiful.

My boy.

Dad? Right here, son.

What's going on?

Lewis, why don't you tell him?

Oswald, Robert's my son.

What are you talking about?

Come on, look at him. He looks just like me.

No, he doesn't. He looks just like his mother.

Creepy. Oswald slept with someone who looks just like Lewis.

Creepier. Lewis slept with someone who looks like himself.

Wait a second. Why would you think that I was your son?

Robert, son, how do I put this delicately?

I did the no -no cha -cha with your mom.

You slept with Sherry? Just once.

Well, that doesn't make him your son. I was doing the no -no cha -cha with her

all summer long.

Don't interrupt grown -ups when they're talking, okay?

But wait.

My mom always told me that Oswald was my father.

So this means that either of you could be?

Yeah. That's right.

You know, look at me, kid. I was kissing lesbians at golf camp.

Hey. Looks like my idea to have the employees write their own newsletters is

working. Everybody's reading it.

Yeah, I think everyone's in.

article 101 things you can do with a mannequin oh

my god yeah it looks like margin accounting's the eye of the storm

oh i didn't know there was a who's gay column knew it knew it

walked in on it in the handicap stall i don't believe this

a cartoon called the adventures of drew's ass get a load of his

the ball game.

Actually, I prefer Robert. Okay, Mr. Robert.

I told you that hurts.

Come on in.

It's great having a son, Drew. You know, I took you to the ball game today, but

tomorrow I'm going to take you to the museum because you've got to go to

and make something yourself.

I went to college.

That's my boy.

I study biochemistry and hope to work in genetic engineering.

Oh.

I get to wear shorts to work.

supposed to meet at three o 'clock i was worried sick don't ever scare me like

that again i thought you were dead in a ditch all right robert you're gonna have

to go with lewis now maybe a long trip do you have to tinkle no it's just a

coincidence but i actually do have to tinkle robert yeah the men's room

attendant only has one hand don't stare

or 15 minutes late. According to our custody agreement, I get an extra 15

minutes with Robert on our next visit.

You guys have a custody agreement?

Yeah, we came up with it ourselves.

I get Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

He gets Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, and we trade off on Sundays. I get him

this Sunday. No, I get him this Sunday.

All right. Rock, paper, scissors. Go.

One, two, three, rock.

Again. One, two, three, rock.

Okay, look, we'll finish this game later, but don't ever bring Robert back

again. Hey, can I help it if a son wants to hang out with his dad?

Come on, he's not your kid. How could you impregnate Sherry when you can't

do a simple heel -toe -heel -toe?

Hey, he's my boy, and for your information, I'm more the makeup for my

ankles with my fantastic jazz hands.

settle this once and for all. I got a friend down at Drug Co. who can do a DNA

test on us right now.

Hey, that's fine by me.

I just hope you can accept the results because I don't want some childless

creepy guy hanging around my son.

Oh, yeah? Well, after we get the test back, I'm going to have a son and one

friend. Come on, guys. You don't mean that. That's fine by me because I'm sick

of living with you. Oh, yeah? I'll tell you one thing. I'm not going to miss you

curling up at the foot of my bed every time there's a thunderstorm.

Where are they going?

They're going to take a DNA test to find out who the real father is.

Really? Oh.

What's the matter?

Well, it's too bad. I never had a dad before. It's kind of nice having two.

It's unconditional love you're looking for every Saturday. They're giving away

puppies at the pound. I'm sure you can find a weird one and a dumb one.

No, it's not just for me.

My wife and I just had a baby.

Wow.

One of my best friends has a grandfather.

Oh. Suddenly, I'm very tired.

I haven't told Oswald and Lewis yet.

They've been fighting over me so much.

Can you imagine how much they'd fight over a granddaughter?

Well, who's it look like, Oswald or Lewis?

I don't know.

She's got squinty eyes and these big round cheeks.

There's a little fuzz on top.

Hey.

I know, all newborns look like me.

And not just humans, all animals.

Pandas, polar bears, chimpanzees.

You go to the zoo in the springtime, there's a little me in every cage.

You know, all this stuff with Oswald and Lewis makes you think about having

kids.

Yeah. You looking forward to having our kids?

Judging by the size of your head, not really.

our DNA results, and my buddy said you picked them up. Is that it? Wait a

second.

Before you do anything, I've got something to say.

If we open this envelope, it's going to ruin your friendship. It's going to ruin

all of our friendships.

Forever. And for what?

A son.

Yeah, well, I still want to know. Some things are more important than him.

Like this lint.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I hope that piece of lint can help you figure out the bus schedule.

Now what?

Robert, that's your daughter? Yeah, this is Emily. I thought once we got the

test results, I could introduce her to her new grandpa.

You didn't tell us you had a baby.

You old dog, you chip off the old block.

So do you know who the mother is at all?

Yeah, my wife.

Your wife?

I was going to tell you guys. I just wanted to tell her first that I found my

dad.

Well, you're just in time, because when I open this envelope, one of these guys

is going to be a father and a grandfather and get to spend real

real family, and the other ones are going to be crying at court -ordered 30

yards away.

My wife's father passed away.

It would have been kind of nice for Emily to have two grandfathers. No, no,

no. They have to know who the real father is.

And the loving family goes to... No.

I don't want to know.

I'd be honored to have you as my co -grandpa.

Well, I guess it's either this or find a woman who would love me and bear my

children and raise them till they bear their children.

I'm just talking crazy here. I'm in.

All right, Emily, meet your new grandpas. Oh, can I hold her?

Yeah.

Hey, we should all celebrate by going to the zoo.

Well, we did that last weekend.

Go again.

Hey,

can we borrow a couple bucks to get in? Yeah, we'll pay you back. Yeah, sure.

How about popcorn? Can we get popcorn?

We'll see. That means yes. I know.

One, two, three, rock.

Again. One, two, three, rock.

Again. One, two, three, rock.

You guys have to pick something other than rock.

One, two, three, pay.

Just forget it. I'll change the baby myself.

I can't believe it worked.

Jinx. Double jinx.

This is stupid.

Double jinx. No, thank you. I should have done it.