Original subtitles

So, Ms. O 'Brien, according to your resume, you have no experience as a

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I speaking loud enough for you?

Oh, yeah. I'm just a little hard of hearing in this ear.

Look, I know I don't have a lot of catering experience, but I'm a real self

-starter. So you don't have to hold my hand.

You don't have to hold my hand.

Shh, shh, shh. What's going on?

Well, you know how Kate always chokes on job interviews? Sure. Well, she bought

a cell phone and an earpiece, and MacGyver here is talking her through it.

I've noticed you've had a lot of different jobs. I must say that makes me

little concerned about your stability.

Are you saying I'm unstable?

Because that's what I heard. I'm unstable.

I had a lot of different jobs because I didn't know what I loved, and now I

realize that that's catering.

I had a lot of jobs because I didn't know that's what I loved, and now I

that's catering.

Sounds pretty corny, huh? No, that's the perfect answer.

Yes! Who's your big dog? Who's your big dog? You're the big dog.

You're the big dog in that catering business, and that's why I don't want to

scoop my butt across this carpet every morning at 9 a .m.

Okay, well, I like your enthusiasm.

Now, I ask everyone this.

What do you consider...

To be your flaws.

Guys, I want to know about her flaws. Oh, she's got a terrible temper. She's

pushy. Lazy. Manipulative. Self -centered.

Huh.

Well, that's a toughie. I think I got it. You know what? I think I'm just too

nice to people.

Or is that an asset?

Now you're a liar, too. Bitch on wheels. Come on, guys.

Kate's only bitchy when she's... When...

In the face of racial injustice or other justifiable causes of bitchiness.

And you know what? I can work any hours you want because I'm single now and all

my friends are dead.

All this energy calling

me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rocks. Cleveland

Living in sin with a safety bet. Go Cleveland Rocks.

Finally got Winford Louder to pay you in cookies.

No, I'm doing such a good job as store manager. The board sent me a gift. Look

at that.

Winford Louder is cookie for Drew.

I'm going to send him back an oatmeal cookie that says, hey, how about a

Hey, you're not the only one with big news. I got the job with the catering

company. Oh, that's great, honey.

And for my first assignment, I cooked this corned beef and cabbage for the

bridal shower at Holy Convent. Sister Mary's leaving the order and getting

married. Wow.

What do you get half of when you divorce Christ?

Boy, talk about not measuring up to someone's ex.

Anyway, so I heated up the leftovers. You go, can I have a taste?

Well, you know, I'd say things are going pretty good for me right now.

Store manager bringing home the big cookie.

Driving the company Jag back to a beautiful woman who's cooking me dinner.

And the best news is, my sprained penis is finally getting its color back.

Hey, why are we always talking about Drew's genitals? I got genitals too, you

know.

How are the Olsen twins?

Yeah.

night and celebrate.

Oh, I can't. From now on, I have to work six nights a week.

Oh, well, when are we going to see each other? You know I've got to work

Saturdays now.

Um, I don't know. I guess I'll leave Sunday after church.

Oh, I promised God that if I got this job, I'd go to church every week for the

rest of my life.

I have to go for at least a month.

Well, then tonight's our celebration.

Here's to Kay's new job. I bet this is the one.

Well, I find a nickel for every time I heard that.

Okay, everyone, dig in.

Boy, this is some fine -looking corned beef and cabbage.

This reminds me, you don't see many Irish restaurants around here.

want to talk about their day well the red of this corned beef against the

of the cabbage reminds me of something that happened to this monkey at drug co

today let's just eat

fine let me just say that death

came as a friend to him

I say this cookie is a perfect end to a perfect meal.

Thanks, Peggy. No, please.

You cooked us a fabulous meal.

Allow us to do the dishes.

Here you go, boy.

What's wrong?

In fact, the good news is I get to taste it all over again.

I hope it wasn't the food.

No, I'm sure that's not... You're not sick, too, are you?

No, I'm going to just check if it's raining outside.

So if you hear anything splatter up against the house, it's the rain.

Drew, if those guys are getting sick, that means I've poisoned 30 nuns.

I've ruined the only pleasure they're allowed to have.

No, I'm sure it's just this flu that's going around.

I think I'm ready for my first salad food since Kate's dinner party.

Or as I like to call it, the night the toilet cried.

Man, that was like power vomiting.

I had gum coming out of me they don't even make anymore.

Good news.

It wasn't my cooking. None of the nuns got sick.

As a matter of fact, next week I'm catering an exorcism. You know,

suddenly I don't feel so good.

Me either. Every time I take a sip of beer, it gets worse.

Oh, man, we were drinking buzz beer last night. There's something wrong with the

beer. What'd you guys do with the beer? Hey, why is it always our fault? Yeah.

Although there was that Petri dish from Drug Co. we were playing Frisbee with.

Oh. You mean the one that fell on the bat and then started to fizz?

That was in the Petri dish?

Well, we could have asked the guy who gave it to me if he hadn't spontaneously

combusted.

So if you're drinking Buzz beer, stop.

No way.

It's the cheapest beer in here. I don't get it.

Mimi, tell him.

It's not your beer, you dope. That big cookie wasn't from the board. It was

me, and I put some stuff in it that makes you allergic to alcohol.

What are you talking about, Mimi?

She stole a drug from Mr. Wick's medicine cabinet. It's called Antabuse,

gives alcoholics a violent reaction to any form of alcohol.

Hey!

Frank, you want to let me finish?

So from now on, every time you have alcohol, you're going to puke.

And?

And I'm sorry.

Is there an ant stone?

No, you just can't drink until it's out of your system.

So how many more hours are we talking about?

Two weeks.

No alcohol for two weeks?

Oh, my God, I need a drink. Oh, my God.

to drink. My last name's O 'Brien. I can't shame my ancestors.

I'm gonna pay for this, Mimi.

I don't know how. I don't know when.

Oh, hey.

It was a crazy thought.

Hey, Drew, what are you doing?

on St. Patrick's Day before.

Did you know they had a parade?

I gotta say, now that I'm not drinking, there's nothing between me and the

realization that I'm a single 40 -year -old janitor.

Guys, you know, I know that Mimi did this horrible thing and you can't drink

the party.

I just feel awful for you.

I especially feel awful for you because you look at this beautiful woman all day

and you can never have her.

But promise me, if anything happens to me, you'll take care of Mimi.

Oh, I'll take care of her all right.

The very next day.

I no longer fear death.

I better take her home before she suggests a Carrie Brother sandwich.

I could feed the world.

Is he playing smoke on the water?

This is a mistake. Let's get out of here.

She smiled at us.

I just realized something.

We're sober, but all the women in here are drunk, so... Okay, stay with me on

this. Okay.

When women are sober and we're sober, it's like this, okay? Yeah, that's true.

Now watch what happens when we stay sober, but the women get drunk. Look at

that. Hello,

my name's Louis. For the next few hours, I'm going to seem like a good idea.

ladies behind Lewis.

Oh, well, this is your lucky St. Patrick's Day.

Because we're magically delicious.

I'm not sure what you meant by that.

We'll take two coffees, please.

You're not drinking? No, we don't drink. We're recovering alcoholics. We just

came with some friends from work. We're their ride.

How'd you like to be my ride?

I don't know what to say when we're not drinking.

Well, how long has it been?

We haven't had a drop of booze in three days.

Oh, this is the hardest part.

Why don't you have some coffee with us and we'll talk?

What's going on? Why is this working?

We used to be alcoholics. Maybe they've got brain damage.

Here's hoping.

This sucks, not being able to drink on St. Patrick's Day.

Yeah. Hey, let me get this straight.

Are all days this long, and has your hair always been brown?

I gotta go. I gotta cater that party, and it starts at nine. Can I see you

tomorrow night?

Oh, I can't. I have a board meeting. How about Friday?

Oh, I can't. Catering a party. Saturday?

There's a sale at the store. How about Sunday? Oh, false promises to God.

Sunday night?

Inventory.

Man, when are we ever going to see each other?

We'll figure something out.

See ya. Oh, wait.

I know what we can do.

Look, uh...

We know each other our whole lives, right?

We love each other.

So, uh, Kate, would you do me the honor of shacking up with me?

What? When I'm sober, I'm impetuous. I also have a bigger vocabulary.

This is a big step, Drew. It'll be great. At least this way we'll be able

each other mornings and evenings. It'll take off your parents.

But I don't... Please.

But I don't... Please. Well, Drew, this isn't the kind of decision you should

make under pressure.

I'm moving your stuff tomorrow.

Oh, well, tomorrow's... Please! All right!

Jeez, will you stop begging?

I think I'm begging now. Wait till we're in bed together.

This place is great. What do you think, Kate?

It's not really my taste. I don't think we're going to get any decorating ideas

for your house, so just get out of here. There's lots of good ideas in here.

Look, they have an island.

Hey, Kate, look at me.

I'm stranded on an island.

She's done a nice rack.

You know, living together is kind of like living on an island.

I mean, do you remember when Gilligan broke the professor's coconut radio and

they didn't speak for weeks?

I never want to break your coconuts.

So you're having second thoughts about moving in?

I just want to make sure it's the right thing.

Well, moving in together isn't going to change anything. I mean, you spend half

the time at my house anyway, and I'm just going to spend the other half. The

naked half.

Oh, I see the looky -loos are still here.

Listen, I'm going to start closing up now. After you steal all the candy, can

you let yourselves out?

Is she calling us white trash?

I got half a mind to blow my nose on the curtains.

Fine, let's just eat the candy, use the bidet, and get out of here.

Yeah, I never ate candy with water shooting up my butt.

You know what, Drew? This has liquor in them you're going to throw up.

Oh, ma 'am. Where's the bathroom? I don't remember.

Well, whatever's in here, it's the bathroom now.

Hello?

Hello?

You know, it's funny that I didn't feel nauseous at all.

You know, I think the realtor left.

What are you doing?

I think that ant abuse is out of our system.

Oh, my God.

Did you check this place out? It has a bidet, a maid's room, and Canadian beer.

Drew, you can't drink their beer.

Listen, let's just have one beer and see if this stuff is out of our system, and

then we'll get out of here.

Man,

I want to fall asleep holding you tonight.

That's so sweet, Drew.

I'll give you the beer.

You guys like to play skee -ball. And we love it that you guys didn't just let

us win like some guys do.

Yeah, we kicked your ass.

I have to say, it's been a great couple of days.

Isn't it hard for you guys to come back to the place you used to hang out and

drink? We're totally changed now.

We don't need alcohol. We're addicted to you.

We're you -aholics.

I'd like to see a drunk guy come up with that, huh?

have any temptation coming back here. No, you don't understand. We actually

can't drink. Just the smell of it makes us sick. Here, let me show you.

There we go.

See? Just doing that will make me nauseous.

Didn't do it that time.

Oh,

my

God. This stuff must have worn off.

Here's to what might have been.

Drew, that was such a great meal.

It's not over yet. I found our dessert.

Someone named Timmy is turning five.

Put that back.

All right, but I'm having the soccer ball.

I think we're buzzed. That was three hours ago. Now we're drunk.

I can't wait for us to have a little love nest of our own.

Drew, were you listening when I was talking about moving in with you?

Don't you remember the whole Gilligan's Island allegory?

Yeah, yeah, coconuts.

Drew, I'm drunk enough now to be totally honest with you.

Well, I'm one beer away from crying, so let me have it.

I'm just not ready to move in with you yet.

And while I'm being totally honest, you've got a girly walk, but a great

Is there anything I can do to change your mind?

I mean, hey, imagine this, piping hot from the shower every morning.

True, true.

I don't want to move in together just because our schedules conflict.

I want to do it the old -fashioned way, you know, after we're married.

It's going slow enough as it is. If we don't hurry it up, how much people are

going to be passing us by?

I'm taking it slow because this is the most important relationship of my life.

Maybe we are going too fast.

Uh, it was a big mistake. What am I doing?

Don't blame yourself.

It was a sobriety talking.

I say that we don't make any major decisions anymore unless we're drunk.

Figure the decision, the drunker we should be.

Just find ways to see each other.

Yeah. Oh, you know those parties I cater? They don't always know who's

In fact, I'm catering a bar mitzvah this Saturday, Mr.

Goldberg.

Already? My little Sammy was becoming a man?

To the day we move in together.

L 'chaim. L 'chaim.

You told us about this place. I hope these guys never sell their house.

Canadian beer!

We're finished eating. We can hunt around the house because where there's

birthday cake, there's birthday presents.