Original subtitles

Hello, I'm Drew Carey.

It's March 1st, so it's time for our annual April Fool's show. Here to tell

more about it is my girlfriend, Kate.

I said, here's Kate.

Can't we just tell people

this is our annual April Fool's contest?

Hey, Kate.

God damn, baby, you're looking good.

You won't let me on Whose Line Is It anyway, but you make me do this?

There's going to be mistakes like this all throughout the episode, over 50 of

them, so keep your eyes open for mistakes, because the game is starting

now.

And here's some more buzz beer we can't use.

And here's some more buzz beer you contaminated. It's all going in the

I'm sorry, Drew.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Everything's a good idea at the time.

Lead in paint was a good idea at the time.

Asbestos was a good idea at the time.

Nuclear tests you could look at were a good idea at the time.

Yeah, well, my dad watched nuclear tests. We had asbestos in our house, and

used to eat lead paint.

What?

Look, I'm working 60 hours a week now as store manager.

I don't have time for this crap.

Well, we were trying to save time.

He does such a good job at Drugco, we thought he could help us clean the vats.

Yeah, he reaches places we can't.

I don't care how talented he is, he's still a monkey with a toilet brush.

What is he on now, a banana or something?

No, just a little respect.

I've

got

to get to work. While I'm gone, Chester's in charge.

Thank you.

one of us to have a real office, so now we just don't hang out at your house. We

also have a little place in the city.

Congratulations, Drew. It took you 20 years, but you finally have a ceiling.

Oh, Phil, excuse me. I have a little bit of work to do.

Norm, your show's not on now. It's on next.

Oh, yeah. Hey, don't tell ABC, but I like to have a few beers before the

Yeah, like they never noticed.

St. Paddy's Day promotion.

All right, wow me.

Okay, you know how everybody gets drunk and gets into fights on St. Paddy's Day?

Yeah. Well, we put a quarter in every bottle so at the first sign of trouble,

people can use it to phone the police.

Actually, the monkey's idea.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you here, Billy's Feudin'? Hey, I only played a hillbilly

one movie, and actually, I'm quite right.

I'm sorry, Mr. Solard. My friends and I have a business on the side. We brew

buzz beer.

Buzz beer? I've seen it at the liquor store.

Your liquor store sells buzz beer?

No, a bum outside drinks it.

Hey, the bum promotion paid off.

You would sing it, sir, but I'd be honored if you gave it a try.

It's coffee and beer. Like our slogan says, stay up and get smashed all over

again.

Hey, this doesn't suck.

That was our second choice for a slogan.

Well, we make enough to pay the bills, make a few extra bucks on the side. You

know, I've been trying to set my brother all up in the business, you know, so he

can stop mooching off of me.

Well, you know, stop that the business can be kind of expensive.

So are you selling?

I mean, I don't want you to get your hopes up too high.

$75 ,000.

Permission to cabbage patch, sir.

I'll take that back. I only have $60 ,000.

No problem.

This calculation, I only have $40 ,000.

Because that was kind of hard to watch.

But since we have a good price, do we have a deal?

Absolutely. I've got to check with my partners, but that's just a formality.

I'd be so happy to get my brother -in -law out of my house. And Drew, if this

deal happens, I'm going to teach you how to dance. Because I don't know what the

hell you were just doing.

for my next scene.

Well, what's the big deal, Bill? Yeah, we've never had an emergency meeting

about beer before.

Well, there was that one where we talked about dropping one of the partners.

I wasn't invited to that.

Hey, Bessie.

Okay, well, sit down. I got some great news.

wants to buy Buzz Beer for $40 ,000.

What? After we pay off all the loans for the equipment, we'll each make about

three grand.

Hey, the lips are waiting and the ass ain't shy either.

I thought you said the Buzz Beer was for sale. Yeah.

I got us a great deal.

Buzz Beer doesn't make us any real money.

Well, what about the future?

I know we'll make money.

More teenagers are drinking now than ever before. We can't get out now.

Yeah.

weren't making any money, I wouldn't want to sell Buzz Beer. By my age,

either a mother or a career woman. With Buzz Beer, I'm a career woman.

I am. I have a briefcase.

What's in it? Yeah, my purse.

I thought you guys would be happy.

I mean, I know I'd be happy because I don't know if I could be store manager

work on Buzz Beer at night anymore.

Oh, I see.

Now that you've got yours, who cares about everybody else? Success has

you, man.

I saw that pamphlet on your coffee table, everything you need to know about

waiting.

You're flying too close to the sun, my friend.

Why don't we just take a vote? Who wants to sell Buzz Beer and strangle our

little dream in its sleep?

Oh, that's a little biased.

Come on. I say we take a vote.

Sell Buzz Beer, we'll all make thousands of dollars, which I will use to shower

a special someone with gifts.

Talking about me. Oh.

Okay, who wants to sell Buzz Beer?

Who doesn't want to sell Buzz Beer?

Oh, come on. My boss is going to kill me. He thought we had a deal.

Who votes to pretend we have sympathy for Drew?

Oswald Lewis inside my office?

Yeah. Hey, nice hat, Thor.

Found a lot of mistakes in the Drew Carey show.

Wait a second.

I'm not supposed to know this.

That's another one.

I'm glad you guys came down.

I've got a great idea, and I think it's going to make everybody happy.

We're buying the Partridge family bus on eBay.

I was thinking, yes, I want to sell Buzz Beer, but I also thought since I have a

little success, I should share it with my friends. So I'm offering you both

really good jobs here at the store.

Oh, wow. Why would you want to do that?

Well, I figured if you both had really good jobs, then you wouldn't need Buzz

Beer and I'd have enough folks to sell it.

I see. Well, so what are the jobs?

Well, Lewis, I want you to have my old job.

You're going to be the new assistant director of personnel.

Why me?

Well, you're in charge of all the janitors and drunkos, so you know how to

manage people.

And you're really smart. You were a straight -A student until you met

Remember what I told you, buddy.

Smarty had a party, and nobody came.

I don't know, Drew. The closest I've ever been to a desk job is sitting

backwards on the toilet, writing on a tank.

Well, my cubicle's kind of like a toilet. I mean, it has walls, it has

and Mimi's always floating around somewhere.

I'm not going to equip my... job, but it could take some vacation days. Give it

a shot.

You know what? You got a deal.

Thanks for trusting me with this kind of responsibility.

No thanks.

Necessary. I picked all these jobs based on your abilities. Wow. So what's my

job, buddy?

Say hello to the first man to ever work in women's lingerie.

Lingerie? I don't know anything about lingerie. Why would I want to hang out

with a bunch of women only wearing their underwear? What?

Do we have a deal?

I don't know. I like my job, and I don't want to sell buzz beer.

Excuse me, sir.

I need some help.

Do I look all right in this teddy?

So now I have to change my name, too?

Excuse me, sir. I seem to have lost my thong.

I'm sorry, Drew. It's a great job, but it's not worth giving up buzz beer for.

Ah, crap.

I think he had a hard time picturing you in a thong.

But I don't.

Carrie, my brother -in -law loved the idea. Here's the check. Let's make this

deal.

I gotta be honest, sir.

My partners don't want to sell, and I can't sell you a buzz beer.

What? Man, come on. We had a deal. My wife is gonna kill me.

Nobody told you to shoot your mouth off to your woman.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hi.

I'm your new assistant director of personnel.

Carrie, you're in deep trouble.

If I don't get Buzz beer, you won't have a job.

Don't worry about it, Drew. I got a plan that might help. You take care of Kate.

I will handle Oswald.

This is what we're going to do.

Ah!

money to get me a second balloon when I let go of the first.

I don't know how I'm ever going to pay you back.

Just remember all the good times we had today.

And, uh, there is one other thing. Hey, Drew, did the carnival trick get Oswald

to give you his buzz beer boat? I don't know what you're talking about.

You know, Operation Three Ring Dumbass.

I can't believe this.

You lied and tricked me.

That's not the spirit of the carnival.

frame your spin arc.

I'll talk to him, Drew.

Hey, Drew.

Hi.

Hey there, Kate.

What's the matter?

Oh, I just came from the doctor.

Is anything wrong?

Yeah, it's the stress from managing the store and trying to make Buzz beer work.

He says my heart murmur is turning into a shout.

What does this mean?

Well, I can't have my job, my health, and Buzz Beer.

You choose, honey.

Drew, I mean, if you put it that way, I guess... I couldn't catch him, Drew.

Maybe the medical scam will work on Kate.

hanging out with you 30 years ago.

Nobody forced you.

Hey, Capel.

Pinocchio.

What are you doing here?

After the movie we made, you said we'd be best buddies and hang out together.

Yeah, but then you started wearing the outfit all the time and calling yourself

Pinocchio. That's kind of creepy.

Does your mom know you're here?

I don't have a mom. You made me out of wood.

Okay, well, I want you to get him out of here.

chance to sell Buzz Beer. Are you sure you'll get him to change his vote?

You're talking to the guy who convinced him that airlines don't have silverware,

so he should sneak his own knife aboard the plane.

to hit her until I get her to the ground, then I'm going to kick her.

No, you have to do something clever to get her back.

Oh, I get it. You guys are like the Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote.

Gee, I never thought of it like that.

Would you help me with this? Sure.

Hey,

I hope you guys didn't bring me down here to get me to sell BuzzFeed because

don't want a new job, I don't want to go to the circus, I don't want anything,

and there's no way you're going to get me to change my vote.

Not even for a bunny?

Bunny!

So do you agree to sell Buzz Beer?

Oh, you'll get your precious vote. If you meet my conditions. Isn't that

Commander Bun Bun?

What do you want, asshole?

I want my share plus 10%. All right, done.

And an additional 5%. So, you want 15 %?

But yes.

then we have a deal not so quickly my friends i want one other condition and

this is absolutely non -negotiable i want another bunny you really shouldn't

alone well i officially

called order the last meeting of busbier hey who wants two thousand dollars

Wait till the guy at the liquor store sees this baby slide under the

glass.

You know how many fingers I'd have to lose at Drug Co. to make this kind of

money? Of course, that was before their finger schminger policy.

All right, Carrie, this is my brother -in -law Don. Now, we are here for the

equipment. Good day, Mr. Cooper.

Now, I better not lose money on this like I did that breakdance at the school

yours. Hey, I thought I recognized you. Professor, you remember me?

I can't believe this is really happening.

Yeah, I never thought I'd see the day I'd help this mantle buzz beer.

It's like taking apart a member of the family.

I didn't like that either.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

Yeah, we painted this the day we started Buzz Beer.

Four friends, forever, four beer.

Guess it didn't quite last forever, huh?

Yeah, and I guess we were really stupid to believe it.

Crap.

I thought I'd go a little bit faster.

Uh, sir?

Listen, uh, we changed our minds. We have to have Buzz Beard back.

We decided it's more than the company to us. It's part of who we are.

Oh, come on, man. I can't sell my brothers -in -law future for $40 ,000?

Give me $50 ,000.

$50 ,000?

But this means more to us than anything else in our lives.

Okay, in that case, you'll pay $60 ,000.

But this is our...

70 ,000.

Okay, okay, it's a deal.

All right, let's go.

Oh, yeah, by the way, this is how you cast those bets, like this.

This is how rich people walk.

Drew,

we don't have that much money.

That's okay, I'll go to the bank tomorrow and take out another loan.

We'll be so far in debt, we'll never be able to sell Buzz Beer.

Look at those idiots.

Stick with me, kid. In a month, we're going to own this place.

Chester the monkey, who thinks he's a man.

If anyone can do it, Chester can.

He's not a fella like you and me. He's a fun -loving, happy, slappy chimpanzee.

Chester!

He's a fun -loving, happy, slappy chimpanzee. A fun -loving, happy, slappy

chimpanzee.

I

don't

care how talented he is. He's still a monkey with a...