Original subtitles

Well,

here's to Bob's recovery. Cheers!

Hey, how you doing? Good.

You are looking at someone who is 25 classes away from being a court

Wow. 20 bucks says she drops out after three classes and they hound her for

years to get the machine back.

I say she drops out after two classes when she realizes that tiny little

typewriter makes her hands look fat.

No, I am serious about this job.

Oh, hey, look, when I play chopsticks, it spells skill, Bip.

Hey, at least those piano lessons paid off.

Well, I thought since I need to practice, I'll take notes during our

meeting tonight. So I'm ready whenever you are. Okay. Whoa, slow down.

Hey, let's use big words to screw her up.

Okay, why don't you start?

All right. I'm glad

you came here because I got a couple things to talk about. It's pretty

important. Okay, first of all, Does anyone have any idea why our Buzz Beer

Valentine's Day promotion failed?

I don't know. We thought it would be a good idea to put a piece of chocolate in

every bottle.

All right, two things. First of all, you didn't think people would be put off by

finding something brown floating in their beer?

What is it with you, Drew? You're so critical. It's always pick, pick, pick,

pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.

only remember what the second problem was see get a beer chocolate and a sneak

peek at jesus

okay from now

on i want all the buzz beer promotions to be run through me first you got that

and i want that on the record kate can you read it back for me yeah nurse

detective uh lotto winner what's that other ways to make money because this

blows

Hey, you paid for a couple classes and you rented a machine. What's the big

deal?

They said if I bought it, it'd pay for itself in five years.

You can always put in your closet next to your tambourine, your massage chair,

and your rock polisher.

Pick up a rock, polish it, sell it for profit. It's just like walking on money.

Hey, what do you do with all this junk, anyway?

Oh, I put up shelves and I label everything alphabetically and then I...

wait, that's what I can be.

Organizer, I'm going to need a table saw.

I say she cuts off three fingers.

You know, I can't explain this, but I say she loses a foot.

I say either way, I'm going to get a table saw for my birthday.

energy calling me back where it comes from it's such a crude

attitude it's back where it

I'd love to hear that. Who's your boss?

You are.

Who's your boss?

You are.

Oh, I just called to say that I'm on my way in. Hi, Malcolm.

Good morning to you, sir. I faxed all of those insurance forms for you. I made

your calendar for the week, and I got you your favorite jelly donut.

Not too much powder with just a little bit of raspberry peeking out the hole?

Oh, I swear to God, one day I'm going to come in here with a ring, and I'm not

taking no for an answer.

that management will recognize my hard work and I'll get promoted.

Why are you laughing?

Uh, Kesey from crime.

Well, I guess I'll get back to work.

Mimi wanted you to file this, but I'll take care of it.

Mimi? Malcolm

Hey, don't worry about it, man. I can't get used to chopsticks either.

Gary, I need to talk to you. Yes, sir.

We've chosen you for a big responsibility.

Wow, I haven't heard that since the high school football team made me their

towel bitch.

They say there's no place for white guys in sports.

Hey, here's your towel.

Gary,

I talked it over with the board, and we'd like you to hire Winfrey Lauder's

regional manager.

Wow, you're going to put me in charge of finding the next guy to oversee all the

stores? Well, you've done such a great job in hiring here, and the new

management really values your judgment. Thank you, sir. Hey, you know, maybe if

this works out, you can make me director of personnel.

I'll consider it. You know, the job's been vacant for years, so I'm really the

assistant to no one. It's kind of sad, eating by yourself on take -your

-assistant -to -lunch day.

I said I'll consider it. It's really for my folks, you know. They don't have to

sneak out on Thanksgiving whenever it starts bragging about their kids.

My dad hasn't finished a meal since I was towel bitch.

Carey, I'm going to do something that probably happens a lot in your life.

I have a little proposition for you, Carey.

How does Drew Carey store manager sound?

I say it falls somewhere between Rebecca Romaine Carey and Drew Carey Olympic

high jumper.

I have a deal which is going to change your life.

If you pick me as regional manager, then I'll pick you to replace me as store

manager. I can't do that. That'd be totally unethical.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot I was standing in the little cubicle that ethics built.

And, uh, no offense, sir, but you're really not qualified to be regional

manager. Of course I'm not.

I'm more like those streamers on the handlebars of a little girl's bicycle.

I don't exactly do anything, but I'm pretty and shiny.

No, I'm not making a backroom deal for your job.

Your lips are saying no.

But if I can find that one tiny ember of ambition, then I will huff and I will

puff until it's a raging inferno of yes.

Sir, I know it came off gay, but you get the point.

What'd you say? Told Mr. Wick that I don't want to get ahead that way and I'm

not making any deals. I'm nervous of that guy.

Wow. You're like some sort of superhero able to ward off success at every turn.

They call him Ruckman.

More stuck in his ways than ten grandpas.

And what would the mighty janitor do in my shoes?

Hey, you're talking to the head janitor, okay? And I'm not ashamed to admit I

got there by stepping on a few people.

And those that didn't step on, I whined and dined.

You'd be surprised what looking at dirty magazines with the right people will do

for your career.

You know, Drew, I mean, after all your hard work, it might be nice to make a

little extra money.

Hey, I'm not going to do anything that's not going to let me sleep at night.

And so ends another adventure of Rotman!

Tune in next week. Oh, hell, skip a month. He's not going anywhere.

You know what? My parents always told me that hard work and dedication were the

ways to get ahead.

Yeah, they also told you if you touched it too much, you'd go blind.

Yeah, what a bunch of crap that was.

Good evening, Carrie.

You, uh, forgot your paycheck, sir. I thought I'd bring it by for you.

Oh, sir, this is my check.

Oops, my mistake.

I gave you my check.

Do you have to end every sentence that way?

Jeez, I didn't know you made this kind of money.

Yes, it's worth thinking about.

Here's your sad little check.

Anyway, I mustn't hang around. I've left my corporate Jaguar outside. I'm

worried about it. Why? The neighborhood's safe.

Yes, but the corporate prostitute's in it.

Would you look at this?

You might have a nice day, little man, on this thing. In fact, we have a

birthday check for my grandmother.

So, what was Wig doing here?

Wick wants Drew to lie for him so he can get a promotion, and then Wick will

make Drew the store manager.

Well, you're not going to do that, are you, buddy? I mean, you'd be wrong.

Oswald's right.

I'm not going to do it.

Oh, man, it never stops.

Sometimes I envy your stalled career, Drew.

Where are you going?

Oh, the new penthouses are in it.

Things work out by the end of the week. This hand will be down in the executive

toilets.

Malcolm, what are you doing?

Packing my things. You got a memo from management saying to fire me.

What? They can't fire I'm your boss.

What the heck is going on here?

To think I almost bought a Miata, candy apple red.

Well, I guess this means we won't be able to go on that road trip to the Mall

America.

I kind of never signed on for that, Malcolm.

Oh boy, when it rains it pours.

my assistant fired? Uh, well, the store's in worse shape than we thought.

There's just no money in the budget for an assistant to the assistant director

of personnel.

Well, how about for the director of personnel?

Oh, I do have some good news about that. Oh, whoa!

Wait. I've been waiting ten years for this.

Who are you calling?

Hello, Mom?

Yeah, hold on. I'm gonna put you on speakerphone.

I got some really good news for you. Hang on. This is my boss, Mr. Solar. Go

ahead. Um, we are officially phasing out the position of director of personnel.

So you're not getting promoted, only because there's nothing to get promoted

Yeah! All right!

All right, you have okay. I got to go. They're throwing a big party for me. I

can't hear. I'm sorry.

So, you took away my hope.

Well, I don't have any more carrot, but I sure know where the stick is.

Carrie, look, don't give up now.

We're still trusting you to pick the new regional manager. That'll be a feather

in your cap. Oh, goody.

Then after I pick the new regional manager, maybe I can pick out his new

and his company car.

Then I can go back to my cubicle, dance around, grab my feather, set up my

stick, and just laugh, laugh, laugh.

I'm going on break.

If life is just going to crap all over you, then I don't know what my job is.

Tom, we're seeing a lot of people for regional manager. I'll be in touch.

How did you sleep last night, my dark brother?

You saved me the evil crap.

Look, I gotta get back to work. I got a lot of resumes to go through.

What, for my new job? But you promised that to me.

I'm gonna give it to you. I have to make it look official so nobody gets

suspicious.

Ah, so those poor sorts of...

for a job they have no chance of getting. Oh, my, you are a clever girl.

Well, somehow, I have to make them look less qualified than you, which isn't

going to be easy with this resume.

These are blatant lies.

I can't... You weren't C -3PO in the Star Wars trilogy.

Prove it.

Okay. It's easy to discredit anyone. All you need is a little imagination.

Impressive.

Ashland seems to have everything.

Harvard, 20 years experience at Saks.

Here's one thing he doesn't have.

I never imagined in your soul fitting into an inner office envelope.

Now it's time for me to keep up my end of the bargain.

You know Johnson over there? He's your greatest rival for the position of store

manager.

Johnson, could I have a word with you a moment?

Hi, Mr. Wick. What's up?

Johnson, I'm having trouble making out this fax. Could you read it for me?

I, Johnson, am going to kill the President of the United States.

No, but I didn't actually say that.

And me.

I can't believe you did that, Sri. You just framed an innocent man.

No.

We framed an innocent man.

I hope this isn't the exact moment when God starts to pay attention to my life.

I want in.

What are you talking about?

I know there's something going on. You try to show me all of a sudden.

Either you cut me in or I'm going to talk.

to feed on.

So, what do you say, Gary? Let's go out and celebrate.

Drinking during work hours?

Why not?

Already sold out, lied to get ahead.

Next thing you know, I'll be running for president.

This is where I come to unwind.

Ready to have some fun?

Well, sir, ever since we did this, I've been feeling a little guilty, you know,

like I got away with something.

And you know what happens when you get away with something, don't you, Kenny?

No. Absolutely nothing.

Well, you know, from now on, I'm driving in the carpool lane.

You know, I feel kind of like... Killing a drifter and see if we get away with

it.

Nigel, good to see you.

What'll it be?

Okay, let's see. I'll have the Stalin's ass with just a little bit of salt

around the rim.

I'll have the same, but make mine a virgin. Oh, and we'll have an order of

Pol Pot stickers.

Hey, I'm glad you guys can make it.

Thanks for getting us into hell, Mr. Rick.

We've never been evil enough to get in.

You know, I've been here before. It used to be a Chuck E. Cheese.

This place is really cool. Look what I found in the bathroom.

Employees must not wash hands.

Here's a toast.

Goodbye, Searle, and hello, success.

You two!

You ruined my life!

Johnson? You guys tricked me into getting fired.

How'd they do that?

They made me say, I'm gonna kill the president.

Made you say what?

I'm gonna kill the president. Security!

He's drunk.

Right, Drew? Please tell me you didn't do that to the poor guy.

It wasn't my idea.

Here's a guy who said I should go for it.

I don't feel like partying anymore.

Yeah.

Um, can you wrap our son of sandwiches up in Sirhan Saran wrap?

Leave them with him.

Suddenly, Stalin's ass doesn't taste so sweet.

I gotta get out of here.

I warn you, Kerry, you go that way, you're entering a world of hurt.

I mean it. That door goes to the world of hurt. There's a separate cover job

it's just so hard i need to talk to you tom what are you doing here

tom is our new regional manager thank you tom but i i recommended wick for

job and you screwed up big time wick is an idiot kerry come here i'll show you

something read the name on the door true carry what is this a joke haha was

there a toilet in there now

Congratulations, you are the new store manager.

Is this because Mr. Wick picked me? No, it's because you are the best man for

the job, Kerry.

No, no, no, I'm not.

Look, I still have my hand stamp from hell.

Mr. Wick and I made a deal to recommend each other.

Really? And yet you confessed when you didn't have to?

And you sold out your party? Wow.

You can't teach that. You are a born store manager. Come on, Kelly.

I don't believe it. I'm the new store manager.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Wick. I had no idea this was going to happen.

You've been setting me up, haven't you?

All these years you played the four -eyed buffoon to a tee.

like some English chew toy that no longer amuses you.

I'm so sorry. Look, can I call you cab? Because there's no way you're leaving in

my corporate jag.

Watch your back, Kerry.

While you get soft here, I'll be enduring my retraining in Toledo, where

suffering will forge me into a single blade of vengeance.

You should have killed me while you had the chance.

I'll see you in hell.

Tonight, unhappy hour. I'll buy you a drink.

Sorry I'm late. I overslept. You can deal with it.

Mr. Wick's gone to Toledo for retraining.

I'm your boss now.

Well, bite me, spit me out, pick me up, and bite me again.

I don't want to hear it, Mimi. You just do your job. And if I don't get all my

calls, messages, and memos, you don't get a paycheck.

Oh, well, I guess I better get this memo to Mr. Carey right away.

Thank you.