Original subtitles

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Well, since you sprained your penis, we're getting rid of anything that might

excite you.

We're erection -proofing your house.

Wait a second. My Playboys? My Victoria's Secret? Hey, you're not

Dally Bertinelli one pound at a time workout video.

Not true. We gotta take this stuff. It's for your own good.

Plus, I got a couple days off work.

What's this magazine in here for?

Oh, it's got Leonardo DiCaprio on the cover.

And he's got the skin of an angel.

It's not Leonardo DiCaprio. It's Winona Ryder.

Hey, Jeff.

Hey, Kate. You look great.

Oh, thank you. I have a job interview.

Can you help me fasten this necklace? Sure. No. You can't have any stimulation

for six weeks.

I think I can fasten a necklace.

Okay. Okay.

Or in that black bra that I like.

Ow!

No, sweetie, it's not the black bra you like. It's the push -up one. It has a

little rose in the top.

Oh, I need to see something anti -sexy.

Maybe the old lady next door is hanging her giant underpants on the line.

Remember when we stole a pair of those and made a fort out of them?

Were we ever that young?

Wendy Madsen? Oh, my God, it's Kate.

How many years has it been?

Drew, it's Wendy Madsen.

So how's married life?

Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

No, he's here.

Honey, it's Wendy, your ex -girlfriend from college who wouldn't marry you, but

you don't care anymore because you have me now who will sleep with you as soon

as your penis heals.

But she sounds like she got fat.

No, it's not broken. It's just sprained.

Long story.

How are you?

Man, Wendy Madsen. She was so hot.

I'd like to make a fort out of her panties.

Yeah.

Lunch tomorrow?

That sounds great.

I'd love to have lunch with you.

Sure thing.

Okay. Well, I'll see you tomorrow then. Bye.

We're just having lunch.

There's nothing wrong with having lunch with an old ex I'm looking for. seeing

Wendy again?

Well, actually, she just kind of sort of wants to have lunch with me.

Hey, don't you have a job interview you have to be going to or something?

This subject will never change. I bet you $100 this subject will never change.

Drew, I don't like the idea of you having lunch alone with an old

You're in love with her.

We're just going to have lunch and some cheap sweaty sex.

Okay, too soon for jokes. Listen...

It was a million years ago with her. It doesn't mean anything to me. I'm in love

with you.

So she does nothing for you?

Please. Okay, picture her right now. All right.

On a trampoline.

Okay. In a black bra.

Oh.

See? Nothing.

Yeah, right.

It's not her. It's the black bra.

Well, picture yourself in a black bra.

Will you leave the rest of that Wendy trampoline story in my answering

All this

energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a.

Sounds like easy pickings for the love buzzies.

Time to peck away at the scraps and bones of her self -respect.

You know, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think she was ever that crazy

about you two.

Ah, but our secret is we're easy to forget.

If we make a bad first impression, we wait a couple years, come back, try

I went out with a woman once. She told me about the worst date in her life.

Little did she know that date was me.

You look great. You haven't changed a bit.

It's so good to see you, Drew.

Hello?

I'm sorry, are we met?

I don't think so.

I'm Lewis, and may I just say that that dress is a showcase for your breast.

Excuse my friend, I'm Oswald, and as of last week, I'm word free.

I'll see you in ten years.

Hey, uh, sorry about my friends.

You know how it is when you finally get rid of your warts. You just want to tell

everybody.

So, uh, what happened to that doctor guy?

Oh, we got divorced.

Oh. But I met another guy. Hey. He turned out to be a stalker. Oh. Oh, I

away from him. Hey.

But I think maybe he's following me. Oh.

Are you listening to me or watching fireworks outside?

I'm sorry. So, hey, what brings you back to Cleveland?

Well, it's a little embarrassing, but I've come crawling back to you.

It's not only embarrassing, it's unprecedented.

Drew, I've thought about what I really need in my life.

Wendy, listen, I appreciate I'm flattered and everything, but I'm

someone. Maybe we should just be friends, Drew.

I'm sorry, that's just how I always hear it.

Drew, I'm crawling back to you because I need a job.

Ah, but you are crawling.

I'm really desperate.

I haven't worked since I got married, so I just need something temporary to put

on my resume.

I remember when I said that.

It was 15 years ago.

Just get a job at a department store, something to hold you over.

Yeah, until I die.

Drew, I'll take any job.

You know what?

I am looking for a new assistant.

Oh, I'd be so grateful. You know how hard I would work.

I'll tell you. I want you to come by the office. We'll see how it goes. Oh, God,

thank you so much.

Oh, I really missed you, Drew.

You know, why don't we go out tonight and celebrate, huh?

Oh, I can't. I've got to go tell Kate that I hired my extremely fat ex

-girlfriend to work at the store.

Hey, I'm not fat.

You damn well better be by tomorrow.

Watching soap operas?

How long have you been doing this and avoiding work?

Most of the days of our lives.

Well, you can't watch television and work at the same time.

Although Mummy always did.

Mimi, this is Wendy. Wendy's my new assistant.

Wendy, this is Mimi.

She charges you to just drop to the ground and play dead till she stops

you.

Hi, it's nice to meet you. Oh, it is so nice to... to meet you.

Do you ever want to go to lunch or just chat about your problems or have a

girlfriend here in the office?

Well, too damn bad!

Okay, um, I better get this signed by payroll.

Mimi, she's got through a bad divorce. She's new in town.

I guess what I want to say is thanks for taking it easy on her.

in a good mood. Your brother turned me inside out last night.

How can he tell?

Hi, Drew.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I just dropped by to see how your goodbye lunch with Wendy went. Oh, you

what? I'm so busy right now. Can we talk about this later tonight?

I was thinking we could have a nice romantic dinner and maybe a foot rub and

then, you know, sit by the fire. Maybe read one of Oprah's books of the week.

Oh, my God, what have you done?

Nothing. Oh, hey, listen, Wendy, she didn't want anything to do with me.

going through some bad times, wants to get back on her feet, you know.

Hey, Kate, how are you?

Fine. Now, Drew, tell me honestly, does this employee ID make me look fat?

Too distracted by how old it makes you look.

I better go have him take another one.

I got me a new soap.

Look, you wouldn't be so mad if you saw the crummy apartment she's living in.

You were in her apartment?

Well, she had to change clothes to come to work.

She changed clothes in front of you? Hey, Opie, in the big city, we call that

come on.

Call you back after the show.

Honey, I think you're reading a little bit too much into this. You can't. You

see what's going on? She wants to get back together with you. Oh, yeah. I

two beautiful women suddenly that want me i mean i got one beautiful woman and

fat old wendy that want me yeah well it's good to know i can count on you for

job when i become your ex -girlfriend hey wait remember she dumped me i was no

good for her you don't look at her i wouldn't have dumped her

And we didn't actually improve Drew's office.

Oh, don't worry. If I want to kill a sexual thought, all I have to do is

Actually, I can't go.

Kate's still kind of on a warpath about me hiring Wendy.

Drew, we've been working on this.

Here's what you've got to do. All right. You invite Kate and Wendy over for

dinner just to talk things out.

And then, after a couple of boxes of wine, you accidentally spill some on

of them.

Now, while their blouses are in the dryer... You whisper to Wendy that Kate

her shoes are oh -so last year.

Then you tell Kate that Wendy said her ass looks like a bag of BBs.

Now, here's the hard part. Before they start to go at it, you somehow cover

with baby oil.

Then halfway through the chick fight, we bust in dressed as cops.

And if we're lucky, they try to wrestle our weapons away from us.

Did you guys fall asleep watching the Playboy channel and wake up watching Hee

Haw?

Oh, excuse me. Have we met?

You're the priest for the bar.

Too soon.

Okay,

Drew. You know how it's been a while since I worked in an office? Yeah.

Well, I kind of confused the fax machine with the shredder.

Don't tell me you shredded the quarterly sales figures.

Yeah. And the medical claim for your penis sling that I was supposed to shred

has been faxed. Well, somewhere.

her and take down everything she's putting up. Up on it.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, Kate, I'm glad you're here. Did you get the flowers I sent you?

They're beautiful, Drew. You know what? I'm so sorry I flew off the handle

yesterday. Can we just forget it ever happened?

I agree.

I really want you two to be friends. Hey, maybe down the road we can all have

weekend together and, you know, share a box of wine, talk about the way they do

things in Europe.

at least wait till our sex gets stale. Okay, road trip this summer. Okay.

Okay, well, I'll let you get back to work. Okay.

Okay, I'll see you later. All right, bye. All right, bye. Bye.

I think I got them all. Where do you want them?

But first, we should talk about which motel you want to have sex at tonight.

Hi, Kate.

I can't believe you were spying on me. You don't trust me? I wasn't spying on

you. I was back there thinking of an excuse for being back there.

Come back later. No.

You know what?

Kate thinks that you got a job here to try to win me back.

Oh, Kate, that's ridiculous.

Oh, is it? I know about the whole ex -girlfriend coming back to work routine.

I've done it myself.

Next thing you know, the drive -thru's closed and you're spread eagle on a pile

of all -beef patties having it your way.

I don't want to be a problem. Maybe it would be better if I just quit. No, no,

no. You work here. You're staying here.

Oh, fine. Then I am leaving.

Think of an excuse yet?

Almost there.

Hey. Hey, Oswald. Hey, Lewis.

Oswald?

Now I remember.

You guys were the door -to -door underwear inspectors.

Oh, baby, that was ten years ago. We're senators now.

Thanks for using our real names, Drew.

Yeah, how hard is it to remember who's involved with Schimmelpennick?

And son.

Hey, all of the beer.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Wendy.

Come down.

I thought he was in Florida.

Okay, listen.

Calm down. Keep the doors locked until I get there.

What's going on?

Psycho's boyfriend who was stalking Wendy finally tracked her down. She

someone over there.

Yeah. Sounds to me like somebody's got a taste for a pig in a blanket.

Well, your mom, she was scared on the phone.

Oh, yeah? Well, just think about this.

Rather than leave the apartment or call the police or someone who could at least

make a fist, she calls you to protect her from the psycho boyfriend?

I don't know. She was scared. Maybe she's not thinking straight.

Yeah, sure. And she'll be scared when you get there. And then all of a sudden

she'll get hysterical.

You'll slap her. And then from pain comes sex.

You know what? If my penis wasn't already broken, I'd break it.

Yeah,

it is kind of warm in here, but how do you explain the wine and cheese, the

oil?

You know, I can see what's going on here. It's very flattering, but, you

I'm a taken man.

Oh, and right on cue, there's the stalker.

I guess this is my line.

I'm Drew. I'll be saving Wendy for me tonight.

What are you doing walking out on me? I told you, it's over. It's not over until

I say it's over. Very compelling.

Okay, now look.

Why don't you just go ahead and leave, and then Wendy can repay me by giving me

some of that sweet, sweet loving.

I barely even know her. I don't even know what's going on.

Want some more of that, huh, punk?

I didn't think so.

Go get out of here, you coward.

I'm back with some friends.

Oh, we gotta get out of here. Oh, Drew, you are so...

shoved me, so I kicked him, and then he threatened me to come back with some

friends. Don't you worry. Everything's okay now.

Drew Carey knows how to take care of his women.

Oh, my God. Where'd you get lilies this time of year?

They're for you. I felt bad about not trusting you.

Well, you know, it's not the last time this is going to happen. I mean, when we

go out, women are going to lust after me.

I didn't ask for this face. I was born with it.

You know, it took me so long to realize how great you are. I just am scared that

other women are realizing it, too. I think it's sweet that you're jealous,

you know, I don't want to give you any reason to distrust me.

Drew, I used the last of the bath crystals. I hope you don't mind.

Give me those flowers back. I'm going to stab her with them. I'm going to stab

her at her house. I couldn't let her stay there.

I know there's nothing going on, but just to make sure it stays that way,

you're going to stay at my house tonight.

Well... I guess I'm okay with it if you're okay with it. You know, it'll be

little awkward, but I'm willing to give it a try.

Oh, my God, it's going to happen.

Okay, we wait an hour, and then we deliver a pizza.

Listen, it's just not working out.

I mean, I know it's been ten years, but the love died a long time ago.

I mean, it's not my fault I fell in love with a younger, prettier woman.

Please, Susan, don't make me say I hate the sight of you.

You guys wear the door -to -door underwear instead.

We're astronauts now!