Original subtitles

That's an old thing.

Ought to cool them chaswassers.

I don't like this one. It's too soft.

I can't sleep in a bed that's softer than I am.

A bed's an important purchase, Drew. You're going to be spending 30 % of your

life on it.

60 during the holidays.

Hey, Drew, look at this one. It's on sale.

Hey.

This is nice.

You know, this is all my parents left for 40 years.

One night the phone rang. My dad leaned over my lawn to get it.

I thought I was born.

Oh, it's good on your back, too.

This is good, too.

Drew? Yeah? I'm ready to have sex with you.

Not here. Here.

I mean, are you sure you're ready?

Okay with this?

Yeah. You know all those things I said about taking it slow, making it special,

blah, blah, blah?

Who am I kidding?

I'm not that kind of girl. Just do me.

Just do me? Yeah. Well, that little phrase will put I love you out of

So what do you think? Are you free for Saturday night for a date?

Paws for dignity? Yes.

You know what?

This bed even has one of those built -in massagers.

Hey, Kate? Yeah?

I want to shut that off. I think I'm having our date right now.

All this energy calling me

Back where it comes from Such a crude attitude

It's back where it belongs All the little chicks with the crimson

lips

What's it say?

It's purple.

No, I think it's pink.

It's purple.

No, no, no. It's pink.

Hey, Drew, what color is this? Is it purple or pink?

It's pink.

Is this what I think it is?

It's my home pregnancy test.

You might want to

change your water.

What are you doing this at work for?

I'm checking every time I go to the bathroom until I get pregnant. I want a

baby.

Look, we've been trying for so long.

Maybe there's a problem.

With me.

I mean, we're a cross -dresser half your life. Maybe all those years of

strapping it down put a kink in the hose.

Well, that could be, but it takes two to tango. And the problem could be with

you. Hey, this Cracker Jack always has a prize in it.

We both want a baby.

I think we should both go to the doctor.

I'm going to go make an appointment right now.

Okay, I'll make an appointment too.

But I know it's not my fault. I could drop an egg at will.

I think I remember that from your resume.

Shut up, pig.

At least I'm having sex.

Yeah, right. I'm not having sex.

Wait a minute.

There's something going on here.

Drew, I know you're trying to hide something in that bag. Why don't you

give it to me, because you know I'm going to get it.

No, I'm not giving it up without a fight.

Okay.

Give me the bag!

Did you really think I had a gun?

Yes, I did. How does that make you feel?

Oh, Mr. Wick, check it out.

Massage oil.

Oh, scented candles.

Berry white CD.

Either you and O 'Brien are going to do it, or it's getting to the point where

you've got to get your hand in the mood.

It's called romance.

Not all of us can make our ass glow red to attract a mate.

This is big, Kenny.

Sex for the first time with the woman you've loved your whole life.

I'm sure you won't let the pressure get to you. I feel I must congratulate you.

Prematurely.

It's not going to work, sir.

Well, I'm sure you're going to screw this up. So to help you, I'm going to

you in on one of my sexual secrets.

Something that drives the ladies wild.

Sir, you just blew in my ear and called me a dirty girl.

Yes, well, it loses its effect without a nipple tweak.

Kate's doing here? I said I was going out tonight.

Well, we always come over when you're not home.

Question is, what are you doing here?

What's going on in the living room? Don't go in there.

Oh, look at this place.

Candles everywhere, rose petals on the ground, champagne.

Ah, Drew, I miss Princess Di, too.

No, tonight's my big night with Kate.

Although, uh,

Since you guys are here, maybe we can take Speedy.

Why? Well, he likes to watch, and he always barks at all the women because he

thinks they're hurting me.

Oh, yeah.

Guess we better get going, huh? Mm -hmm.

You two kids have fun now.

Okay.

Hey. Hey.

Drew.

Can I get you some champagne?

Sure. I thought we'd have some hors d 'oeuvres.

And I fixed your favorite meal.

And then maybe we could listen to the chat TV.

Uh -huh.

Oh, you know, we just skipped about five steps there, but that's okay with me.

How about we skip five more?

you just want to be friends?

Hey, uh, let's, uh, set the mood a little bit.

A little fire.

Pretty realistic, huh?

I almost smell it.

Oh, it smells a little like your deodorant.

Yeah, same company.

So, uh, fire, new sheets, new bed.

Uh, I even...

A little new four -way light bulb. There's not much lighting you like.

You like it like this?

Like this?

Like this?

Or like this?

I'll go through it again. Like this? Is it true?

Would you relax it? It actually doesn't matter.

Sorry, I'm just a little anxious about this whole thing.

Hey, you're not the only one that's nervous. I kind of over -freshened. I

you really, really like spring rain.

This is going to be great. I don't even know why we waited.

If it doesn't go well, it's kind of a bad sign.

You know, it's that whole sexual chemistry thing.

But, you know, I mean, everything in this relationship has been so great, the

only thing that could screw it up is bad sex.

Okay, well, goodbye erection.

Brian, what's wrong?

Well, you pretty much told me if I don't hit it out of the ballpark, it's back

to the farm team.

Sweetie, that's not what I meant.

Let's just sit and watch the roaring video fire for a minute.

Okay.

Drew, I didn't mean anything.

I just want it to be really special.

I do, too.

Oh, you're starting to heat up again?

Uh -huh.

Okay, we got a towering inferno here. Let's just do this.

Let's just do this?

We're not burying a cat.

I didn't mean it. I meant... You know, something that won't make you mad.

You know what?

Maybe we should just start over.

Okay. And this time, maybe you couldn't talk so much.

So, you want me to shut up and put my legs up in the air?

Is that a trick question?

That's it.

I'm out of here.

Hey, come on, wait.

Wait a second.

I love you.

I'm ordering something that tastes good.

Hey, Drew, you see Mimi?

No.

Okay, something's wrong with my little bro.

I'm all right.

I can tell there's something wrong.

Because you're hitting yourself.

It's coming out.

Tell yourself you're doing it. I can't do stopping.

I screwed things up with Kate last night. I've been calling her all day,

won't answer her phone.

Why are you touching yourself?

Oh, I'm just adjusting the coolant in my boxers.

I'm trying to keep my sperm count up.

See, Mimi and I went to a clinic, and it turns out we both have impaired

fertility. Hey, but it's easy to fit.

You've just got to wear these special boxers, and I have to take female

shots every day.

So, how many shots do you have to take before you become a woman?

If I wasn't feeling so ladylike from all this estrogen, I would bitch -slap you

all the way to the coffee shop.

Hey, I've been trying to call you.

Drew, last night was a disaster. I don't think it's working.

No, it's working. I slapped some sense into it after you left.

Maybe the problem is that we rush things too much. I don't think we're ready.

Come on, honey, I'm rotting on the vine here.

Well, I don't know what to do. I don't want to repeat it last night.

No, no, no, I think we just put too much pressure on ourselves. You know, we

need to be more spontaneous, you know, just do it when the mood strikes.

Yeah, that'd be great, Drew, but you're not really a spontaneous kind of guy.

You lay out your underwear for the whole week.

It's a time saver.

Yeah, I can be spontaneous.

Okay.

copy room right now. Hey, I said I was spontaneous. I'm not the office whore.

See, I told you you're not spontaneous.

I am. I am spontaneous and I'll prove it to you.

Someday, sometime, when you least expect it, we're going to have sex.

And it may not be good, it may not be satisfying, but at least we'll be

spontaneous.

That report I gave you has a typo in it. I need you to fix it before you send it

out. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Wick. I just can't seem to get any work done today.

I... Amy,

are you okay?

I'm fine. It's just these hormone shots that I'm taking and... They're giving me

kind of mood swings.

What if I can never have a child?

All right, toodles.

There, there.

You're not the only one with problems.

My own mum didn't even love me.

Daddy, he didn't love me either.

He tried to trade me for another...

Hey, you gotta keep that circus tradition alive.

Are you calling me a freak?

Well, it's not so funny when you just come out and say it like that.

I'm going to give you a personal day.

I want you to go home, crawl in a cage, chew on a rubber hamburger, call your

better dad.

Okay.

Okay what?

Okay, pig.

Atta girl.

What's up with her?

She's been crying the blues and greens and the yellows. It's all running

together.

So, are you ready for lunch?

Yeah. Actually,

Things didn't go so well with Kate last night.

Yeah.

At least act surprised.

Oh, my God. Things didn't go well with Kate?

What the hell is going on? Black is white, up is down.

The world doesn't make any sense!

Thank you.

Now, we decided to try it again, but I have to prove to her that I can do it

spontaneously.

You're not spontaneous. You lay out your underwear. We can advance.

It's a time saver.

Now, I got a plan.

Tomorrow night we're going to go have a beer at my house. You guys leave, but

you take Speedy with you.

Then you go outside and cut the master switch to the fuse box, throw in my

in the darkness, and Kate right into my arms.

Now, to make this simple for you, all I have to remember is this.

Leave. Dog.

Life.

You know, it helps me to remember things if I put it into a song.

Leave dog lights.

Leave dog lights.

Leave dog lights.

Leave dog lights.

Leave dog lights. Leave dog lights. You know, uh, this sounds an awful lot like

your underwear pants shoe song.

Ah, the worst I was packed tonight.

So, I guess you guys got someplace you need to go, huh?

Ah, the game's on. We thought we'd just hang out here.

Does this remind you of anything?

Underwear, pants, shoes.

Underwear, pants, shoes.

You guys want a beer? Yeah, thanks.

No, we need dog lights.

Oh. No, no, we switched it to the Spider -Man theme.

We need dog lights. We need dog lights.

Friendly neighborhood.

We need dog lights.

Just drink your beer. We'll get speeding. Get out of here.

Well, actually, we're just going.

Yeah.

Oh. Come on. Well, why are you taking Speedy?

Uh, boy, it's a sad state of affairs when two single guys and their best

friend's dog can't go out at night without raising an eyebrow.

What's going on, Drew? You didn't plan anything, did you?

Plan anything?

No. I didn't plan anything. Anything you see tonight is totally spontaneous.

Drew said it was the third switch on the left.

I can't believe you planned this, Drew. I ought to walk out of here right now.

Or maybe I should show you how to be spontaneous by making you have hours and

hours of hot sex.

I guess I had that coming. Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, Speedy. You can't watch Drew having sex.

Although it would be cute to see you try to put your paws over your eyes.

Crap. Now we've got to get him out of the garage to put the leash on him.

Hey, listen.

Just open the door and trick him into thinking we're going to let him back in.

Uh -oh, Speedy, we left the back door wide open. Come on, boy.

Hey, look, he brought us beer, but why'd he put it way over there?

Because he's a dumb animal.

We will never speak of this again.

Drew? Yeah?

I think it's time for you to gift wrap your present.

Oh, yeah.

We'll let the condoms in the bathroom. We'll be right back.

position and we are ready for takeoff.

All right.

Get ready for some vanilla thunder.

Drew, are you okay?

Say something.

I fell on my penis. Call an ambulance.

Hey, Drew.

I'll be all right.

I don't know if you can actually sprain it.

Now I know why my mom always said never run in a house with an erection.

So, what did the doctor say?

I have to stay off it for six to eight weeks.

Honey, I'll wait for you as long as it takes.

Yeah, well, it'll be okay.

As soon as I'm able to pee without screaming, we'll all have a good laugh

this.

you don't think it's all gloom and doom here at Cleveland Clinic.

This man tripped over his dog and tore his corpus cavernosa.

The spongy bodies of erectile tissue in the penis.

Mr. Carey, do you mind if the students have a look?

What the hell? I'll never be this big again.

Now what you're about to see is not for the faint -hearted.

Ladies and little nippers are strictly forbidden.

This poor, miserable creature was born a normal parent, but an horrible accident

left it in this deplorable state.

As you look upon this human oddity, count your blessings that the Lord did

make you.