Original subtitles

You know, Frank, it's just not fair.

Every time the store changes hands, I gotta lay somebody off.

I just wish it wasn't you.

I'm really gonna miss you, Frank. You've been like family.

Bye -bye.

Take care, Frank. See ya.

And he's gone. Dips on his ficus!

You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Did you see his face?

He's so upset he left this picture of his family behind and my new art deco

friend.

Ah, Mimi, it's about time for my ten o 'clock with Mr. Sola. I'd make sure he

gets a coffee or a water or anything he wants. Hey, where are you going?

I'm getting out of here.

When the new boss wants to see you, it can only mean one thing. You're fired.

I can't afford to lose my work visa.

I can't go back to that cold water flat in East London with mummy's drinking and

her endless stream of men.

They can't all be uncles.

Sir, you don't know for sure you're fired.

Gary, you've had a number of years to observe my work habits. If you were the

new president, what would you do?

Get the hell out of here, sir.

Hello, Mr.

Carey. Hello,

Mrs. Carey.

Hey, are you two married?

Take that back!

Mimi, come on. He doesn't know any better. He's new here.

For your information, I'm married to the pig's brother.

Are you the pig?

No, it's just a nickname, really. It's kind of a long story how it happened.

No, I get it.

Where is Mr.

Wick? Oh, he's not here.

He worked...

to go somewhere.

You know, if you could keep track of your boss, it may help you keep track of

your job.

Men's room, third stall from the left. If you see his pants down around his

ankles, don't hesitate. That's just part of his act.

Thank you.

Now, Mr. Carey, I've been meaning to talk to you, too. Now, I've been

your file, and something about your workload just doesn't add up. Okay, I

where this is going.

This is my last day here. I've got a few things to say.

I hate you.

I hate you? I hate you.

I thought about you in the shower.

Mr. Carey, we're not laying you off.

Oh. In fact, you do the work of two men.

I think it's time you had an assistant.

Oh, my God.

An assistant?

Are you crying?

No, I just got a little something in my eye. I need a moment.

My God, man, what have they done to you? What haven't they done? done to me.

Look, go ahead and hire whoever you want. Just send the paperwork up to my

office. I was saving this for a trip to the daycare center, but I think you need

it.

Have a sucker.

You're a nice man.

So, you're getting an assistant.

Why don't you just cut a check to your large intestines, because that's the

party that does any work.

You're just jealous you don't have somebody to answer your phone or do your

filing or...

Run down a gazelle for your lunch.

Hey, Drew.

I just got fired.

What? Yeah, Louder's not running the board anymore, so she doesn't need an

assistant. Also, I didn't do so great on my evaluation.

Oh, what'd they say?

I don't know, something about too many sick days, a bad attitude, a bunch of

other crap I wasn't in the mood to listen to.

Hey, do you know anyone who's looking for a good assistant?

Uh, maybe there's someone to classify.

Let's see here.

Oh, hey, here's something.

Do you have any experience bathing the elderly?

Drew, aren't there any openings in the store?

You know, I can't think of anything.

Oh, didn't management just say you could hire an assistant?

My work here is done.

Drew, is that true? Why didn't you say something?

Look, if you want the truth, it's going to take just a second.

Okay, here it is.

I didn't want to insult the woman I love by offering her such a lowly position

as my assistant.

Drew, are you crazy? I would love to be your assistant. I didn't learn anything

working for Mrs. Louder. I still don't even know how to turn the computer on.

Oh, you don't have to spend any more time convincing me.

You're hired.

Oh, thanks, Drew.

Oh, allow me.

If you carry his office, he's busy. Call back later.

What'd you do that for? Honey, we're talking.

It's going to be so great working together.

Are you crying?

I cry when I'm happy.

All this energy coming.

It's such a crude...

Yeah, Kate got fired as Mr. Lauder's assistant.

Well, we all knew that was going to happen sooner or later.

I mean, you'd have to be an idiot to hire Kate in the first place.

Kate starts tomorrow as my new assistant.

Let me finish.

No, any way you look at it, it's a dumb thing to do.

Look, I love her and everything. This is going to ruin my relationship.

She's no good with phones. She's no good with computers or anything or people.

She should just be a forest ranger out in the woods somewhere where she won't

hurt anybody.

Relax. With the way she ditches that work, you'll probably never even see

Remember when she had that job with Meals on Wheels?

Well, we ain't got those three weeks.

Lewis! What happened to you?

What happened, buddy? I wrenched my neck a little, but I'm all right.

Lewis, I told you, men can't fight their own nipples.

a confession to make.

My car was in the shop and I borrowed yours to run an errand and I got into a

little accident.

Well, how little?

Well, this is all that's left of your car.

These are my keys.

Yeah, I'm sorry, buddy. I totaled it.

So, the last le car is gone.

How could you borrow my car without asking me? What else have you borrowed I

don't know about?

I also borrowed a pair of your boxers.

I totaled them, too.

Oh, my God, Lewis, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, it looks worse than it is. But, hey, we're still on for our date

tomorrow night, huh? Right.

And this, too?

You're going out on a date? Why do I have to hear about it like this?

Because we're just roommates, you freak.

Morning, Mimi. Lovely day, huh? Hey, you better get going. That new boss is

still looking for you. He can look all he wants.

I learned a little trick on the X -Files.

I've mastered the art of stepping into someone's blind spot and thus becoming

invisible.

Whoa! Where did you go?

I'm right here, Mimi.

Well, well, Mr.

Wick, I finally found you. Why?

Who are you talking to?

I'm talking to you.

Yeah. How about now?

What are you doing?

What is who doing? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Now look, if you don't buckle up and get to work, I'm going to tell the board

that you are a complete idiot.

Who's a complete idiot?

Hey, Mimi.

You seen Gator yet?

Did you check your back? Maybe you rolled over.

You check your backs? I think there's a Mexican blanket and a prospector on it.

Morning, Mr. Perry.

Kate, I hate to start off things like this, but you're 15 minutes late.

No, I got here at 7 .30. I did your filing. I typed up a memo that you left.

And here, coffee the way you like it. I really want to do a good job for you.

Wow.

I'm impressed.

Hey, here's a challenge for you.

Why don't you see if you can get Housewares to sign up for their vacation

request? They've been blowing me off for a week. Oh, don't worry. I'll beat it

out of them.

Now, remember, when you talk to other departments, you're representing me, so

stay with us, Maya.

Okay.

Hi, I'm calling from Drew Carey's office.

Yeah, we need your vacation request, ASAP.

Hey, I don't care if you're busy. If you don't email those requests here by

noon, you won't have any vacations.

You see, that's kind of the thing I'm talking about. You know...

When you bark at people like that, you just can't expect them to email you

away.

Because then they do it so fast, they make me look like an idiot.

I have this extra time for the first time in 15 years.

I'm going to go linger at the candy machine.

For once, I'm not just going to panic and get a payday.

You told me to come up and get my parking assignment in the new structure.

Oh, yeah, I have the list right here. Let me see where you are.

Now I know why I didn't get the job as Drew's new assistant. You gotta sleep

with him.

Huh, let's see.

Janet, Janet.

Oh, Janet the skank, here you are.

Yeah, Drew was gonna have you park in B5.

Oh, you know what?

That's a no skank zone.

I'm gonna put you on the roof and spot ZZ99.

But you may want to park at home and take the bus. It'd be quicker.

Drew Carey's office calling.

Yeah, listen, we're challenging your dental claim as a pre -existing

Let me explain what a pre -existing condition is. You ate the yogurt in the

fridge that had my pre -existing name on it, and I've been mad at you for two

days.

Uh, Kate, honey, you can't talk to people like that.

Am I getting the job done or what?

Yeah, but... So you want to enjoy the hamburger, but you don't want to see how

slaughter the cow, is that right?

I just want to say how nice it is to finally have an employee around here

got the guts to get the job done right.

Thank you, sir.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think Brenda down in women's wear needs a little

help with her people skills.

I went to try on a dress.

She handed me a size eight.

I'm a perfect six.

That a girl.

Fire the crazy bitch.

She's clearly drunk on a tiny amount of power. I want her out of here.

But, you know, her heart's in the right place. She's a little confused.

She doesn't know whether she's Stalin or Hitler.

Come on, don't make me fire her. You know what happened when they tried to

Hitler.

Well, normally I wouldn't, but how many chances does one get to make a man fire

his own girlfriend?

All right.

Consider it done. Yes.

I'm afraid you're going to have to say ta -ta to the old slap and tickle with O

'Brien.

Sir, we haven't slept together yet.

Oh, this is delicious.

She got a fire cane, huh?

Any ideas?

I know. Tell her you're transferring her to a store that hasn't been built yet

and then pay her out of your own pocket until she dies.

I guess I should tell her and just get it over with.

Don't worry, buddy. I'll think of some way to help you out.

Hey, guy.

Hey, Pete.

Doesn't work in the stuff.

What's he talking about?

What's gotten into you?

Stockpiling to be a long winter.

Hi, guys. Hey, you guys are never going to believe this. On the way over here,

we passed by Crazy Al's car lot.

No, so far I believe it.

He's got this promotion going where whoever sits outside in an open

the longest wins the car.

And Crazy Al picked my business card out of a fishbowl. So, Oswald, we got a

chance to win you a better car than the one I wrecked. Oh.

They had a brand new car, and it's not even French! No!

Tap Drew and me in. I'm going to get those stadium blankets in the basement.

never know what could happen under a blanket.

Awful. I don't think it's such a good idea. You'd better not spend the weekend

with me after I fire her. So fire her after the contest, buddy. You know I

afford a new car. This is my only chance.

That might be a nice change of pace after freezing all weekend at a

when she sets me on fire.

Talk to Blanket.

Ready to practice?

I'll take it when I can get it.

Too bad you can't make it. We would have had time to do this.

All right, the rules are simple. Whichever team can stay inside of one of

Al's new incredible convertibles the longest gets to drive it home. And why

doing this?

Because you're crazy.

All right, contestants, remember, if I see you outside the car and it's not an

official bathroom break, your team will be immediately disqualified.

The contest begins now.

Hey, uh, just want to say, since you're going to be neighbors, may the best team

win, and good luck to you.

You're going down, old man.

Oh, so the gloves are off, huh?

Let me tell you something. You don't know what you're up against, college

I sit all day.

Office chair, bar stool, couch, toilet, repeat, 24 -7.

This ass is going to chew you up and spit you out.

I think the beer drinking contest is about to pay off. Look.

Oh, there goes that new car smell.

I hope that means we're going to win the car soon. I'm freezing.

Oh, this is ridiculous. I'm going to call the store and have them deliver

sweaters. Oh, you don't want to call the store. They don't even deliver.

I have them so scared they'll do anything I ask.

Yeah, but you don't want any clothes from Winfrey Lotter. They're made by

children chained to machines.

Hi, it's Kate O 'Brien. I'd like to use my employee discount card.

What do you mean it's no longer valid? I work for Drew Carey.

What do you mean not any longer?

Drew, tell this person I'm not fired.

Hello. Hi, Robin.

I haven't told her.

Well, it's kind of awkward A at the oment may.

Bye.

Is there umpthing say you want to el me tay?

Yeah, they want me to fire you.

I'm sorry, Kate.

Why am I fired?

Well, it's just when... Whenever you get a little bit of power, you kind of get

like Hillary probably gets when the cameras are off.

I think we're done talking.

Goodbye.

In shining armor.

And I love you.

You have made me what I am. And I love you.

Drew, what are you doing?

I'm apologizing to my lady.

Why did you fire me? I thought I was doing a good job.

No, it was horrible. The whole story hated you.

You know those guys who worked on the loading dock that were on the prison

release program?

They couldn't wait to get back home.

All right, maybe I did go a little bit overboard, but I just wanted to do a

job for you.

I know.

Why didn't you tell me I was fired when it happened?

I guess I was afraid you'd break up with me.

Drew, I'm not going to break up with you over some silly job. I love you.

If we're going to be in a relationship, we have to learn to be honest with each

other. Okay, honesty.

Okay.

So tell me the whole ugly truth.

Did you really think I was that bad?

No, no, I didn't.

I didn't think everybody else was just threatened by your talent and your

beauty.

Bastards.

This happens to me all the time.

Hey, Lewis, wake up.

Lewis?

Oh, my God, he's dead, and I never told him I loved him!

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Oh, that's funny.

I could have swore I heard someone say that he loved me.

Oh, man, look at those college guys. They're young. They're in great shape.

They're never going to crack.

You know, this is crazy. We're all freezing to death. We have to work

except for Kate.

Maybe we should just quit.

No. I said I'm going to win you a car. I'm going to win you a car.

I just wish it didn't have to end like this.

to go on to more successful careers. You're going to make more money and

going to marry beautiful women. But I'm going to drive this car till the day I

die.

And all the stuff you have to do to adjust your mirror.

I'll never learn how to work this stupid car.